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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Out until 3am instead of 9pm

149 replies

Aibuq · 27/09/2023 09:31

DH messaged saying he was going for drinks after work, and would be back about 8 or 9.
At 10.30 I messaged asking where he was, no reply. Tried to phone, 45 minutes later he replied saying "missed call will be leaving after this drink".

I woke up at 1.30am and he still wasn't home so rang him a few times, no reply but he came online on WhatsApp so knew he was fine. He got home at 3am and doesn't think he did anything wrong as he shouldn't have to tell me if plans change.

AIBU expecting at least a simple message saying "I'll be back later than planned" or to answer the call when he's on his phone anyway.

OP posts:

Wishitsnows · 27/09/2023 11:30

It happens, he went ‘out out’

5128gap · 27/09/2023 11:38

If your H thinks he shouldn't have to let his wife know when he decides on a whim to stay out until 3am instead of 930pm, then he should really be in a relationship with one of the (minority) of women who would be ok with that. But he's not. He's married to a woman who like most of us, at the very least wants the courtesy of knowing he's safe.
No decent person would have a problem with at the least sending a message to update someone waiting for them who cares for their welfare that theyll be late. If he has, then he's the problem, and is showing how little your feelings matter to him. It's up to you what you do with that information.

southlondoner02 · 27/09/2023 11:38

I would only consider this an issue if he was supposed to be up early the next day to look after the kids and this put a scupper on your plans.

I go out after work about once a week. Sometimes home by 9, sometimes much later (2am on occasion). DP is similar. That said it's better not to say you'll be home by 8 if you're not going to be - that's what leads to annoyance and worry. I also wouldn't avoid calls from DP when I'm out, but then I know they won't be him checking up on me.

TigerQueenie · 27/09/2023 11:39

I don't care what my husband does or what time he comes home, he's an adult.

But I do expect that if things change he just lets me know with a text so I don't worry unnecessarily. That's a respectful way to behave and is what I also do.

havingmetime · 27/09/2023 11:42

I woke up at 1.30am and he still wasn't home so rang him a few times, no reply but he came online on WhatsApp so knew he was fine.

If this had been me or dh the phone wouldn't have stopped ringing until it was answered and it would be a very big deal.

EsmeSusanOgg · 27/09/2023 11:48

TigerQueenie · 27/09/2023 11:39

I don't care what my husband does or what time he comes home, he's an adult.

But I do expect that if things change he just lets me know with a text so I don't worry unnecessarily. That's a respectful way to behave and is what I also do.

Pretty much!

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2023 11:54

The one rule we have as a family is that if you are late or plans change you let the others know. Not ask but know. And that is the difference because control and respect.
It is also a safety thing, I had a flatmate who would disappear from 24-48 hours, once she was gone 4 days and we didn’t know whether we needed to do something, (she did have a phone didn’t answer messages) she did turn up just as we were about to call the police. Though once we visited her in her home city (got a hotel she was living at home) disappeared around midnight as she often did. Wasn’t around for shopping brunch the next day and we got the train back. Where we were rung by the police as her parents had called. They took a very dim view when she turned up the next day that she hadn’t been in contact.

it takes seconds to text having a late night, don’t wait up. And taking such responsibility is being a grown up. What he did sounds very teenage

5128gap · 27/09/2023 11:56

Unfortunately OP, there's an awful lot of women who have been trained to be terrified of being 'controlling'. So frightened are they of this label, they are prepared to accept pretty much any type of rude, inconsiderate behaviour from a man, because all that matters is that they can never be accused of restricting his freedom in any way. Often this is accompanied by the thinking that any concern for a man's whereabouts is babying a 'grown adult' and makes you some fussy over anxious fool who should be less 'insecure' and get a life.
This thinking and the tendancy to try and shame other women into adopting it, is a huge gift to the type of man who wants to take advantage. To do as he pleases when he chooses, whether you like it or not. To ignore you, not consider you, and turn up again when it suits him to find you waiting for him all smiles.
Personally, I don't think that's much of a deal for a woman (unless it cuts both ways of course) and not one I'd be accepting.

Bookworm20 · 27/09/2023 13:32

If my DP said he'd be back at 9pm and he still wasn't back at 1.30am. I would be bloody well trying to get hold of him too! Because I would be thinkling something had happened to him.
My first thoughts would not be 'oh hes having a good time'. they would be 'where is he? Whats happened? I hope hes ok'.
So i'm a total control freak, must be. because if he then rocked up at 3am and was completely fine and just basically hadn't bothered to let me know he would be 6 hours late I would be creating merry hell.
Yeah, relieved he was ok. But furious he hadn't taken 2 seconds of his precious drinking time to send a quick text or call, simply to say don't worry, going to be really late.

When you are in a partnership, its common curtesy to let the person -who would be worrying about you - know you won't be home when you said you will. I mean when you're in a partnership you have to consider the other person whether you like it not. Its the absolute basics.
I mean if he'd said 'i don't know when i'll be home, might be evening or maybe early hours, OP wouldn't have worried. But the selfish prick gave her a time and then rocked up 6 hours later.

I bet if the roles were reversed and OP didn't show up when she said she would and then her dh couldn't get hold of her, I bet he'd be worried silly!

AngryBird6122 · 27/09/2023 13:39

Yeah sorry this is not about control. You literally share your life with this person, so it's just considerate to let them know if your plans change. I don't think OP had an issue with him going out! Just that he didn't do what he said he would do. As for not answering your calls but coming on Whatsapp, well WTF?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/09/2023 13:43

My DH has done this before but so have I Tbf. I don't drink anymore so it never happens now but it's easy to get carried away. As long as it's not all the time

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/09/2023 13:44

Im fact he used to wake me up ringing saying I'm coming home soon. That was more annoying. Once he rang me at 4am asking if I wanted a takeaway 😂

GymBergerac · 27/09/2023 13:47

I think it also depends on the H in question. My DH isn't a drinker, and also isn't one for "going out", so if he did say he was out and due back at a certain time, but then wasn't (and wasn't contactable) I would 100% be concerned for his safety as it would be totally out of character.
Conversely, the idiot I used to be married to years ago was rarely home, and I'd have been suspicious if he'd come home before midnight....

Deathbyfluffy · 27/09/2023 13:52

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 27/09/2023 09:49

I know it doesn't help you, but this is one of the benefits of being single.you answer to nobody, but yourself.

He should have let you know he was OK.

Just find a partner who gives a shit, then you get the advantages of a relationship plus have a clue when your partner is coming home.

My ex girlfriend used to do this regularly and it's incredibly annoying - I just want to know they're safe and when to expect them back so I'm not jumping out of my skin at 2am when they barge in after a load of alcohol.
Thankfully my DW is a bit more considerate, and we keep each other in the loop.

Deathbyfluffy · 27/09/2023 13:53

Wishitsnows · 27/09/2023 11:30

It happens, he went ‘out out’

A few messages would have been easy enough to send though.

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 27/09/2023 20:00

Deathbyfluffy · 27/09/2023 13:52

Just find a partner who gives a shit, then you get the advantages of a relationship plus have a clue when your partner is coming home.

Show quote history

..except I don't want a partner.

itsgettingweird · 27/09/2023 20:25

I'd tell him you aren't annoyed he came back late.

But if he says he's back at 9 you worry when he's not. Best to tell you he's heading out for drinks and promises not to wake you when he gets back!

jolies1 · 27/09/2023 20:31

We don’t do specific times or text throughout a night but would send each other a quick text if it was going to be significantly later than planned - it takes a second and everyone nowadays has their phone. Eg if DP heading out to pub then decides to stay out late he would just say ‘it’s going to be a late one, I’ll get a taxi home,” or something. Mainly because it is a bit worrying if you go to bed expecting them home in a bit and then wake up to an empty house at 3am, but if you know plans have changed you’re not bothered.

theresastormcoming · 27/09/2023 20:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 27/09/2023 22:27

I think if you have pets or children it changes from being uncaring and rude to being plain selfish because they assume the person at home is just there to be the responsible one without any consideration.

ASCCM · 27/09/2023 22:32

Where had he been????

saying 6 and getting home at 9 or 11 is one thing. 3 am though?!

AuntMarch · 27/09/2023 22:37

CampervanKween · 27/09/2023 10:46

I grew up at a time when you weren't constantly in touch with people, so this wouldn't concern me at all. I wouldn't want to be texted on a night out either tbh, I'm an adult, and like to be able to come and go as I please.

It wouldn't concern me either, if he hadn't specifically said it wouldn't be a late one. I'd just want a message to say plans changed and not to worry!

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2023 22:57

WandaWonder · 27/09/2023 09:44

I would have said 'I would like a message next time' but he is a grown up

Sure I guarantee there are poster's who will come up with epic lengths sagas involve 20 ambulances and 300 police but again he is a grown up

The door would be locked after the time he told me if he didn't tell me he was going to be later

I don't sleep well in an unlocked house

theduchessofspork · 28/09/2023 00:33

As a one off it’s fine - we all loose track occasionally

theduchessofspork · 28/09/2023 00:36