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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Out until 3am instead of 9pm

149 replies

Aibuq · 27/09/2023 09:31

DH messaged saying he was going for drinks after work, and would be back about 8 or 9.
At 10.30 I messaged asking where he was, no reply. Tried to phone, 45 minutes later he replied saying "missed call will be leaving after this drink".

I woke up at 1.30am and he still wasn't home so rang him a few times, no reply but he came online on WhatsApp so knew he was fine. He got home at 3am and doesn't think he did anything wrong as he shouldn't have to tell me if plans change.

AIBU expecting at least a simple message saying "I'll be back later than planned" or to answer the call when he's on his phone anyway.

OP posts:
Scaredycatttt · 28/09/2023 07:52

"Stating out later than planned, not sure when I'll be back x" takes two seconds and isn't controlling. I think people who think it's controlling to let your partner know where you are probably have some kind of complex. It's very rude to tell someone you'll be somewhere at a specific time and then just not turn up, why is it considered controlling when it's your own partner? If anything it's worse

Arrivederla · 28/09/2023 07:53

TigerQueenie · 27/09/2023 11:39

I don't care what my husband does or what time he comes home, he's an adult.

But I do expect that if things change he just lets me know with a text so I don't worry unnecessarily. That's a respectful way to behave and is what I also do.

This. Basic courtesy.

Businessflake · 28/09/2023 07:59

This falls firmly into the camp of always under promise and over deliver. It’s always likely to be a late one. Then when you stroll through the door at 10pm it’s a pleasant surprise.

Sunshineandflipflops · 28/09/2023 08:10

Colourfulponderings · 27/09/2023 10:02

My stance for DH is go out as late as you like but let me know so I’m not worrying you’ve been attacked on the way home.

This was how I felt with my ex husband. I wasn't trying to control him but if I was lying awake until the early hours with our children in the house because he said he'd be back around 11 and still wasn't back at 2am and no communication then I'm going to be pissed off and probably worried something had happened, all for the sake of a quick message.

Yes they are adults and therefore adults should be able to communicate with other adults who share a home and likely children with them that they are ok and will be out a little later and not to worry/go to sleep.

Suffice to say we are now divorced as this was just one example of his childish behaviour, and I am now happily living with a man who doesn't drink and actually likes to socialise with his partner.

Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 08:30

I don’t understand why people even tell each other what time they’ll be back, as it’s normal to come back earlier/later than planned.

This would really annoy me because if someone says they’re going to be back at 9pm and then aren’t back for hours, you are naturally going to worry.

He should have just texted saying he’ll be home later than planned but not sure what time.

Wrongsideofpennines · 28/09/2023 08:32

I would be wondering where the heck he was to stay out until 3am on a Tuesday night. Particularly if he was online but not answering calls. I think there's more to it and that's why he's defensive.

grumpycow1 · 28/09/2023 08:49

It’s not controlling to expect your partner to tell you they are going to be late back - at the very least so you don’t wait up for them etc. It’s plain rude what he did. It doesn’t matter if he was out until 3am, just a text to say that plans had changed and don’t wait up would be nice. I’d be fuming and telling him that if he wants to act like that, he’s welcome to go and live alone and have all the ‘freedom’ he likes.

Bertiesmum3 · 28/09/2023 08:57

My husband goes out I ask him roughly what time he’ll be home, he will say a time and I’ll say so you’ll be home 2 hours after 🤣
I don’t know he’s home until I wake up in the morning and see him in bed!! He doesn’t go out drinking before anyone says!

EvelynKatie · 28/09/2023 09:11

It takes less than a minute to send your partner a quick text to let them know you won't be home at the time you planned/don't wait up/don't worry etc. It just shows a lack of care and thought to not do that!

SallyWD · 28/09/2023 09:14

He got carried away. We've all been there. I'd forget it if it's a one off. If he's frequently doing this then I wouldn't be happy.

SENDintheClowns101 · 28/09/2023 09:16

IMO it’s respectful to let your OH know if your plans change dramatically. I don’t care what time my husband comes in on a night out, but I do care that he’s not at the bottom of a river 🙄 I’m a worrier by nature and a simple - having a good night, going to stay out abit, will be home later is suffice 👍🏻

Polis · 28/09/2023 09:24

As a one off it wouldn’t bother me if I knew where he was, although I would have expected a quick text if possible to say he wasn’t going to be home at 9.

I have left my husband at the local pub at 9 expecting him to home at 11 but he has walked in at dawn. No phone signal so no warnings.

ActDottie · 28/09/2023 09:27

I think he should’ve updated you just said it’ll be a long one I don’t know when I’ll be back just so you could go to sleep easily. I can’t sleep if I don’t know my husband is ok.

JFDIYOLO · 28/09/2023 09:40

Staying out til late with his mates?

Absolutely fine.

Failing to consider your feelings when he didn't let you know that's what he was doing and doesn't think he's done anything wrong?

Selfish thoughtless immature arse.

Do you have children? I wonder how he'd react if they - or you - did that to him?

AntiStuff · 28/09/2023 09:55

It's just common courtesy to let someone know if your plans change. If he'd messaged you at say 10/11pm and said, 'actually looks like it's going to be a late one, don't wait up for me' then fine, but to not message at all is just rude.

DP can be a bit hit or miss, so I tend to assume that if he's going out it will be a late one, but like him to just let me know one way or the other by the time I would usually go to bed.

GreenMushrooms · 28/09/2023 09:59

My partner rarely goes one (maybe once per year), but when he does this inevitably happens. It leaves me fuming. He thinks nothing of it. If I go out and I'm 30 minutes late he gets annoyed and blames it on "worry" for my safety, comes out looking for me (this recently happened when I was on a run). As it's a rare occurance I try to ignore it and not make it a big thing - it doesn't seem woth it. However, if it happened regularly it would be a deal breaker. It is disrespectful especially if double standards are involved.

I do agree it is easy to get carried away when out drinking, but I don't think that makes it OK. Especially when a person is hours late.

Have your night out and tell him you'll be back at 3am, make sure you don't text him or answer calls when you're out either- tell him before this will happen and remind him of this night: don't say it in a passive aggressive way, just say you'll be concentrating on having fun with your friends, not your phone 😊

Donnaslayer · 28/09/2023 10:09

This reminds me of Micky Flanagans 'the dreaded flavour' sketch.

Micky Flanagan - The Dreaded Flavour

https://youtu.be/gh7kbXQyKdc?si=DrWbTLPCzKmmrBcj

Nicparke · 28/09/2023 10:25

For me, this is so disrespectful. Especially as he was online and ignoring your calls / messages.

It takes 2 seconds to text to say "staying out later. Go to bed. Don't worry."

Summerlovin24 · 28/09/2023 13:05

I think everyone needs to chill. If that was my partner I would say have fun and do my own thing for the evening . Leave him be. He's having beers and switching off having fun with his mates. I would want the same courtesy. Have a good time and not have to check in with timings. I think its overbearing

PuttingDownRoots · 28/09/2023 13:12

Summerlovin24 · 28/09/2023 13:05

I think everyone needs to chill. If that was my partner I would say have fun and do my own thing for the evening . Leave him be. He's having beers and switching off having fun with his mates. I would want the same courtesy. Have a good time and not have to check in with timings. I think its overbearing

So when would you worry... 6am? 10am? Next week? After all, he's just having fun...

LinaM20 · 28/09/2023 13:15

All it would take is a one line text. “Plans have changed, be back later don’t wait up”
My husband is in the emergency services so his night shifts often run later than planned but if I wake in the night there’s always a text saying that shift is running later so I don’t panic about where he is.

DangerousAlchemy · 28/09/2023 13:43

It's out of order OP & I'd be cross plus assuming something bad had happened to him. It would keep me from sleeping properly wondering if my DH was OK. So that's v selfish behaviour on his part really.

BHRK · 28/09/2023 13:46

This wouldn’t bother me at all, he’s an adult. He’s highly unlikely to have come to any harm!
mad for when I would worry… 9am the next day?
otherwise I’d assume my fully grown DH can manage a night out.
calling him before midnight is batshit in my opinion

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/09/2023 15:39

BHRK · 28/09/2023 13:46

This wouldn’t bother me at all, he’s an adult. He’s highly unlikely to have come to any harm!
mad for when I would worry… 9am the next day?
otherwise I’d assume my fully grown DH can manage a night out.
calling him before midnight is batshit in my opinion

I honestly don't get how it's batshit to check around midnight if they're physically OK, when they said they'd be home by 9pm. That's THREE HOURS and he legitimately could have been hurt or something. It happens. It's basic courtesy to let the person you share your life with know your OK if you're going to be out later than planned.

My DH very very rarely drinks. On the odd occasion he does go out with his mates, he tells me what he expects it to be. If that changes, he messages. If he decides he's going to have a few he checks it's OK to leave the car, because usually he'll have driven. And before DC I'd say no bother, I'll collect you when you're ready and we'll go back for your car tomorrow. Now we have DC it's ok, have fun. Sure you can get home?

If several hours pass and he hasn't told me the plan has changed, I will worry he got in an accident on the way home, or something kicked off at the pub. You hear about all sorts of incidents happening, and even if he wasn't the target I know he'd more than likely try to help so it's not HIGHLY unlikely. Unlikely, but still possible that something bad could have happened, which is why he let's me know it hasn't. Because he loves and respects me.

novalia89 · 28/09/2023 15:48

YeahNoYeah · 27/09/2023 09:56

For me, this would feel problematic...

At 10.30 I messaged asking where he was, no reply. Tried to phone

Like why not just leave him to it at that point? Someone saying 8 or 9 and drink involved always has the potential to become later but they shouldn't be made to feel shit or watched for that.

But then obviously it got worse from there. Does he normally do stuff like this? Do you have kids? Nights out can change, spontaneous nights out are usually the best.

I agree, if he said 8 of 9 and you are already questioning by 10:30 that’s a bit controlling. An extra drink, transports issues and chatting can easily eat up an extra 1.5 hours and that’s when you intend to get back for the time previously stated.

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