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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Out until 3am instead of 9pm

149 replies

Aibuq · 27/09/2023 09:31

DH messaged saying he was going for drinks after work, and would be back about 8 or 9.
At 10.30 I messaged asking where he was, no reply. Tried to phone, 45 minutes later he replied saying "missed call will be leaving after this drink".

I woke up at 1.30am and he still wasn't home so rang him a few times, no reply but he came online on WhatsApp so knew he was fine. He got home at 3am and doesn't think he did anything wrong as he shouldn't have to tell me if plans change.

AIBU expecting at least a simple message saying "I'll be back later than planned" or to answer the call when he's on his phone anyway.

OP posts:
missjonesy · 28/09/2023 18:36

I too expected notification when my partner said he was going for a couple and then 6 hours later he still wasn’t home, mainly because I would think I’ll wait and have tea with them or I’ll wait and we can go to bed together or whatever.
Now we go with if he says he is going for a couple I will presume he is out for the night, not having food with me and I’m going to bed when I feel like it.
If it’s all the time, think of a new plan/change something/make a fuss. If it’s a one off. Go with the ‘you should have been more considerate and I hope your head hurts today’

Lilyburnspotts · 28/09/2023 18:44

Men always seem to do this in my experience, my OH does this on rare occasions and I usually expect it now. My brother who is also a grown man and in his 30s also does this. I don't think they have the same level of worry about anything and so don't see where a partner might be concerned. There was a lady in my local area who's husband went missing on a night out, just an ordinary guy, not a huge drinker or a fighter and sadly he was dead when they found him, so I think not to be concerned by a 3am arrival would be odd. Next time you go out though, arrive back at 3am and see how he likes it!

Julimia · 28/09/2023 19:01

Surely this is a matter if common courtesy before we even get to anything else...

Spacecowboys · 28/09/2023 19:30

I think it’s reasonable to expect a quick text to say staying out later than planned, don’t wait up.

MarryingMrDarcy · 28/09/2023 19:37

Not unreasonable to expect some consideration. If he wants to go out until all hours and not have anyone worrying about him, he should either find a partner who has the same outlook or be single.

Thinkbiglittleone · 28/09/2023 19:48

It's common decency, if plans change to just let your DH/DW know.

No, you don't need to tell them your every move, but if it impacts on them and they might worry after you go out out drinking and 6 hours late, just send a txt.

Amazebobs · 28/09/2023 20:48

I have already told my DP that all I need is a text when he sets off to come home. That way my fancy man can leave through the door instead of the window.

Z0rr0 · 29/09/2023 00:20

Honestly my first thought is he was in the pub expecting to head home and got a better offer.

Z0rr0 · 29/09/2023 00:30

Also it's not controlling to expect a partner to check in with an update on when they might get home and how if it's after public transport. Assuming your OH cares about you and your welfare, it's common courtesy to just let them know an approximate ETA and to send an update if plans change.

QueenBitch666 · 29/09/2023 00:42

Make sure next time you're out stay out all night and don't update him
Inconsiderate tool

Noopnoop · 29/09/2023 06:14

You're not being unreasonable OP. For me, it's not about the time but about him not communicating. My DP knows I have no issues with him going out but if he thinks he's going to be out for a lot longer, to just send me a text message. It's basic courtesy.

BusyMum47 · 29/09/2023 06:54

FOJN · 27/09/2023 09:49

He's a grown up who can stay out until 3am if he likes but he told you he would be back at a certain time, was 6 hours later than he said, was uncontactable and thinks you are unreasonable.

Anyone who thinks consideration for the person they live with is unnecessary is probably better off living alone.

⬆️ I agree!

It's a basic lack of courtesy & respect towards you. I'd be pissed off in your shoes. Mind you, I can be a bit evil in situations like that & would probably have locked him out!! 😆

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2023 12:39

theduchessofspork · 28/09/2023 00:36

Since he lives there, I imagine he has a key..

Show quote history

And bolted

Coachvikki · 29/09/2023 14:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. In uni, my housemate would go mad at me if I stayed out without letting her know my plans had changed. She cared about me and it was really unfair of me not to let her know (I only did it once).

Coachvikki · 29/09/2023 14:04

QueenBitch666 · 29/09/2023 00:42

Make sure next time you're out stay out all night and don't update him
Inconsiderate tool

Yep, and if he doesn't go mad at you then leave him because he doesn't care about you.

Lollipop81 · 29/09/2023 18:10

You must know how it is, you’re on a night out you’ve had too much to drink and you forget to text to say you will be late. As others have said if it’s a one off just leave it. He is a grown ass man, get off his case 😂😂

irregularegular · 29/09/2023 18:24

It's not the coming home late that is the problem. I think the problem is that he said he would be leaving at 11.15 and then clearly didn't. I'm not really a worrier, but I think I would have been worried at 1.30am if he doesn't have form for coming home much later than he said.

If he'd just said that "it could be late tonight, not sure when exactly" then it wouldn't be a problem for me!

Middleagedspreadisreal · 29/09/2023 18:49

Where exactly was he til 3am? Pubs aren't still open at that time?

Buggersticks · 29/09/2023 18:59

I'd worry myself daft he was hurt somewhere.

greenbeansnspinach · 29/09/2023 19:31

CampervanKween · 27/09/2023 10:46

I grew up at a time when you weren't constantly in touch with people, so this wouldn't concern me at all. I wouldn't want to be texted on a night out either tbh, I'm an adult, and like to be able to come and go as I please.

It’s good to see different points of view here, and yours made me laugh (in a nice way) it reminded me of my two cats, who definitely do come and go as they please!

ilikemethewayiam · 29/09/2023 19:34

Well I’d be arranging a night out, and not coming back til I felt like it and telling him, you shouldn’t have to tell him your change of plans. Would he have a problem with that?

Mba1974 · 29/09/2023 20:22

Together for 26 years, married for 14, having been on both sides of this, we are happily at the point of saying see you in the morning now and have been for a long time!!

Catslave67 · 29/09/2023 21:18

When my husband did it I made him decorate the lounge the next day as penance for not letting me know. I woke him up early, pointed him in the direction of the lounge where the room was ready to be painted. He was absolutely hanging but has never done it since. A text and it could have been avoided!

GabriellaFaith · 29/09/2023 21:20

I would be absolutely LIVID.

If you say your going to be home at a certain time then firstly it's courteous to let the person expecting you know if you won't be. But also they may be worried something has happened to you if your not. I know if my hubby said he'd be home by 9 I would wait to watch something with him then. So it would end up spoiling my evening too hangings round! If if have known, i would have made different plans!

But yes, more than anything I think it's just rude and childish.

I hope his head was absolutely banging and you put on bsnvingnusicti make breakfast too at 6am 🙊🤣

SnozPoz · 29/09/2023 21:42

Your DH is being inconsiderate. I would be asking myself if he'd been off shagging, but maybe that's just me.