To make DH an “after school checklist”?

[MulledWhiney]

We have one DD who has just started reception and DH and I are trying to figure out our new routine. Her nursery was attached to my place of work, so it made sense that I did all the drop offs and pick ups. DH did them occasionally if we were both working from home.

Now she is at school, we have agreed to each do 5/10 of the drop offs and pick ups during the week. We both work full time in equally demanding jobs, but have quite a bit of flexibility to work from home 2 days a week each, and to finish early as long as we get the work done in the week.

Today, it was DH’s turn to pick her up and they got home at 3.30. I get home from work at 5.45 to find shoes and bags blocking the hallway, DH is playing computer games whilst DD plays by herself. DD’s shoes are sopping wet. I ask why, and DH says it’s because DD had an accident at school, that’s why there is a bag of wet clothes in the hall too.

They had been home over 2 hours, and it hadn’t occurred to him to do anything with the urine soaked clothes, and he said he didn’t even know the shoes were wet. He also hadn’t read her daily book with her or even checked the book bag. He then blames her for not telling him that a) her shoes were wet and b) she had a new book to read. I said it was his responsibility as the parent who does pickup to do these things, and his reply was that he needs an “after school checklist” because he didn’t realise these things needed doing. The school have told us multiple times to check the book bag daily, and to me it is just common sense to wash soiled clothes and shoes. However, if he wants a checklist, my first draft looks something like:

1. Check the book bag
2. Be a responsible parent

AIBU to think a grown man doesn’t need to be asked to do these things? It’s another thing on top of the mental load I already have. I even had to create a spreadsheet of who was doing the drop offs and pick ups as he said that was the only way he would remember. Although he has still asked me every day because he can never seem to find the spreadsheet.

Oh yes, I find my vagina very handy in operating the washing machine.

I've been practising and I can nearly open the door with it now! Amazing what we women can do.

Regarding him not knowing if it's his turn or not. When he asks if it is his turn ALWAYS answer yes. I'm sure that will make him locate and check the spreadsheet himself.

I don't know what to say about your amazing husband who does the laundry and cleans the house. Each to their own I guess. The thought of my husband hanging our laundry on the line then putting his marigolds on to wash the pots makes my vagina dryer than a prune.

There is no need to deride his ignorance. You have had the whole of nursery to become atuned to and to formulate your DD after school needs.

Take him seriously and write a detailed list. Read though it until you think he understands every point.
Don't forget to list the end result that should be obtained by a set timish per evening.
Suggests he communicates if he is unsure, tweeks it to make it better and that it's great to have the list.

so whatever happened to working as a team and saying there is a bag of wet clothes that need sorting in the kitchen, rather than getting all het up about it?

Obvs your DH also needs to understand he is part of a team!

you have to be kidding!

And I presume the thought of you going out to work has the same effect on him 😂?

He isn't amazing. He doesn't need his penis to operate the washing machine, he's simply an adult doing what needs to be done as an adult.

Each to their own for sure. There's nothing less attractive to me than a man who is sexist and believes childcare and laundry is for women only. Yuck.

I haven't read the whole thread, but perhaps it's useful for us to suggest things to put on the checklist that might seem obvious.

For winter, on collection: check she has coat, hat, gloves when you pick her up. For summer, check she has her sunhat. If going out in the garden when she gets home, reapply sunscreen.

It might be that the provision of the list will gradually lead to internalising things. When DD was little and I went away, I left instructions. It was quite a surprise to me when I realised I could go away for a weekend without writing anything down, because between DH and DD they knew everything that needed to be done.

I earn more money than my husband.

Again, it's a miracle my husband has a penis at all.

OMG, how does he cope?!!

I'm into figures/statistics so do you want to know an interesting trend? Women who earn more than their husbands do more housework than women who earn equally with them.

That's right... get thee to the kitchen, woman, and down on your knees scrubbing, and your husband might just be able to forgive your audacity and lack of femininity in out-earning him!

😂

This kind of makes me angry, as it is making you responsible for managing his childcare. However, I think that as another PP suggested, saying ‘ok DH, have you got 5 mins so we can agree an after-school routine we can both use’ is a non-confrontational way of getting him to take responsibility.

Yes!! Not knowing what to do with a bag of wet clothes is such a turn-off.

So who does the housework in your house??

That's such a bizarre attitude to have. I find my h attractive when he is cooking or cleaning or parenting really well.

That's a genius idea to add on extra chores.
You'll be able to relax

My DH is very much an alpha - an engineer and plays rugby. He loves hanging out the washing and he more than pulls his weight domestically.

Because he’s a capable adult. Not a puffed up man-child with sexist notions of ‘women’s work’.

@letmesailletmesail i 100% have weaponised incompetence. Basically I can't be arsed and I do everything else anyway so these can be blue jobs. Except I found myself saying it to the dc so I had to cop on to myself. Dad will have to change the batteries when he's home, I don't know where he keeps xyz, I don't know how to use the printer etc. and then I realised they didn't know I was capable but not arsed and actually were likely to start thinking I was a bit thick. (The same reason why dh has taken over cooking fries and a few dinners so they know dad can cook just doesn't get the chance to)

You'd be ok with a man who needs to have list written out for him so he knows to put pissy clothing in the washing machine? And not let his small child sit in said pissy clothing? A man who seemingly can hold down what I assume is a fairly responsible job?

The bar really is so low it's in hell.

@MulledWhiney YANBU I'd be so angry with this.

If you have Alexa's you can set a routine on an app on your phone for reminders when he has to do pick ups. But he can obviously set this up himself.

IMO men's brains do not work like women's so yes a checklist is a great idea. Hopefully it will sink in given time.

How many women would accept getting some of the detailed lists some PP have suggested on here, I’m sure most women would be insulted for their partner to think they had one brain cell. The majority of the things are common sense parenting, who have some of you decided to procreate with, why accept such a low bar for a father for your child.

@Motherofjessie and do they have to have such detailed lists for their job, to be able to understand football or any of their hobbies. Or is it just for ‘women’s work’?

What a useless twerp.
Can't work out what to do with a bag of wet clothes.
Plays video games ignoring his child.
Doesn't make dinner.

Yes, make him a list for your dds sake.

They don't NEED a fucking checklist. But they should sit there while it's read out to them over and over again until they 'fully understand' (a PPs suggestion) How dare these useless men leave a bit of wet laundry in the hall for an unacceptable amount of time.