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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's best mates wife is an arse

130 replies

CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 22:36

She is condescending and passive aggressive. I bite my tongue for the sake of my husband and his friendship but she makes my teeth itch!

We socialise sometimes, I tolerate her, but just recently I've noticed her snide comments more and more. For eg, I have booked something for DH Birthday. I told her, as in general chat. Her response - why are you going there? Well, whatever floats your boat, it was probably good in 1985 etc etc. I just find her comments constantly like this and in texts always has the laughing face emoji after any passive aggressive comment which irks me even more!

I feel like one day I'm just going to explode on her as it's bubbling under the surface now. DH obviously just wants me to not get worked up and rock the boat as would affect his friendship with his mate.

For the record she doesn't really have many friends (I can see why)

Does anyone else have to tolerate their DH annoying wife and how do you navigate it? I guess I could just tell DH to see his mate on his own, but I don't really want to make things awkward for him, I'm just not sure I can stand spending time with her anymore.

OP posts:
Verymodestmouse · 26/09/2023 22:39

Oh my god, let him see his mate on your own. Pretend to get a hobby that keeps you really busy and so you can’t come anymore. The husbands will have more fun without you there anyway!

Thedogscollar · 26/09/2023 22:42

Yes I agree with @Verymodestmouse I wouldn't want to spend my time with somebody like this.
I can see why she has no friends.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/09/2023 22:43

Don't put yourself through this! Your husband will just have to get used to seeing his friend on his own. You can't be stuck with that woman all the time! Also, if she texts you something rude, just don't reply at all.

Screamingabdabz · 26/09/2023 22:45

You are never going to be friends with her so I would just let him meet up with his mate and ask him to leave you out of it. Nothing worse than having to socialise with dicks. Life is too short.

Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 22:45

Thedogscollar · 26/09/2023 22:42

Yes I agree with @Verymodestmouse I wouldn't want to spend my time with somebody like this.
I can see why she has no friends.

Initially I felt bad that she had no friends, so tried to be one for her, but Christ I can see why she has none! I get the impression she's made a couple of potential friends run for the hills from little things she's mentioned. I think I'm next!

OP posts:
Insommmmnia · 26/09/2023 22:46

If you dont go along then your DH and his mate have a better reason to just do things together without wives/partners which sounds more enjoyable for your DH as well

Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 22:47

Verymodestmouse · 26/09/2023 22:39

Oh my god, let him see his mate on your own. Pretend to get a hobby that keeps you really busy and so you can’t come anymore. The husbands will have more fun without you there anyway!

I could become an avid knitter or take up long distance horse riding 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 22:49

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/09/2023 22:43

Don't put yourself through this! Your husband will just have to get used to seeing his friend on his own. You can't be stuck with that woman all the time! Also, if she texts you something rude, just don't reply at all.

This is actually good advice. I end up just sitting on the sofa battering my DH ear. Maybe the silence speaks most loudly and no response will give her the message.

OP posts:
Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 26/09/2023 22:50

She sounds the type who's insecure, so makes sarky remarks, to hide it.

evuscha · 26/09/2023 22:52

Stop texting with her, tell DH you don’t wish to socialize with her, life is too short for that crap! He can see his mate on his own whenever he likes but surely you don’t have to double date and go out as couples. I would stay neutral and polite if I had to see her at some group events like weddings or whatnot but otherwise I would stay well away from her.

Switchingoff · 26/09/2023 22:53

You don’t have to text or make small talk with her! Cut down interactions to the bare minimum

Ienjoyedthebarbiemovie · 26/09/2023 22:55

You either say no more couple dates, or you calmly and diplomatically call her out on her horrible behaviour

you have no obligation to befriend her though

Mamai90 · 26/09/2023 22:56

I would drop her like a hot stone. You don't need to be her friend. Let DH see his mate on his own and don't feel bad about it!

Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 22:57

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 26/09/2023 22:50

She sounds the type who's insecure, so makes sarky remarks, to hide it.

I'm not sure. She's pretty confident but seems to get delight out of slagging people off or making them feel like shit. She's actually pretty vile tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 22:59

Switchingoff · 26/09/2023 22:53

You don’t have to text or make small talk with her! Cut down interactions to the bare minimum

Yes, maybe I need to lay off. I'm pretty friendly by nature, but I think I'll maybe start being a bit more distant and explain to DH to try and keep me out of future plans as much as possible. Why are some people like this though. They lose out on what could be potentially good friends!

OP posts:
IcedBananas · 26/09/2023 23:00

I think it’s wrong to pretend to be her friend when you actually feel like this. She’ll not change her whole personality just for you so what’s the point. Just leave your DH to it with his mate and drop the ‘friend’

NutellaNut · 26/09/2023 23:01

She sounds awful. Definitely let your DH meet his friend on his own in future without partners being involved. You don’t owe this woman your friendship just because your DHs are friends. Also, stop texting her and engaging with her passive aggressive comments! Tell your husband the truth that you’re not going to go out with them again as a foursome. Let him and his friend make arrangements to do guy stuff alone, so you don’t even have to make up excuses why you’re not taking part.

Crucible · 26/09/2023 23:01

I never feel am obligation to DHs friends partners beyond common humanity and politeness. It's just more mental load I don't need. If I hit it off with one of them that's a separate thing. I have few close friends and one of my closest I met this way. The pressure to make up foursomes is ghastly. I would simply not reply to rude texts and decline invitations. Will DH pressure you not to make it 'awkward?'

Thepossibility · 26/09/2023 23:02

“are you trying to be funny or rude?"
And stare at her until she squirms.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 26/09/2023 23:04

I agree with others that you just need to stop seeing her and replying to her texts. It’s nice to couple friends but only if you all get on. No point forcing your relationship with her if you just don’t like her. Your partner will manage his relationship with his friend fine without you both being friends.

PandaExpress · 26/09/2023 23:05

I'd be a snarky cow back, give her a taste of her own medicine and bring her down a peg or two. It's obviously not the grown up or classy thing to do, but I'd be there for the pettiness of it 🤣 Horrible people, shouldn't get away with being horrible.

Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 23:05

Thepossibility · 26/09/2023 23:02

“are you trying to be funny or rude?"
And stare at her until she squirms.

This is good advice! I always wonder what to say when she's rude. I want to unload on her - and it eats me up inside. I think I'll just be less available and if I'm ever in a situation where she says something passive aggressive again I'll use your advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 23:09

PandaExpress · 26/09/2023 23:05

I'd be a snarky cow back, give her a taste of her own medicine and bring her down a peg or two. It's obviously not the grown up or classy thing to do, but I'd be there for the pettiness of it 🤣 Horrible people, shouldn't get away with being horrible.

I feel like this is where I'm heading 😂 I've been the grown up long enough, but it's wearing thin 😂

OP posts:
KandieKaine · 26/09/2023 23:09

When she makes a sarky comment just say " Sorry what do you mean " or just say "what "? Having to reappear herself will the wind out of her sails .

Nagado · 26/09/2023 23:10

I definitely agree with the other posters about encouraging your DH to see his friend on his own, but there are likely to still be occasions he wants you to come with him so I think you need some tactics to deal with her.

I don’t think you can take her, or her opinions seriously. If she criticises something you’re doing, the best way to respond is ‘I wouldn’t expect any other opinion from you, lol’ or ‘I see you’re being a little ray of sunshine and positivity today, lol’. Or ‘ooh, someone’s got out of the wrong side of bed today, lol’ Her nature is her problem. Don’t let it become your problem too. She’s not that important in the grand scheme of things. She’s certainly not important enough to be allowed to disturb your sense of well being. Turn it into a secret game with your DH. Guess what time she’ll make the first snarky comment. The winner gets a cocktail/chips on the way home etc. It’ll make her a lot easier to deal with if you treat her as something that makes you laugh, rather than as someone who stresses you out.

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