DH's best mates wife is an arse

[CloakandDagger1]

She is condescending and passive aggressive. I bite my tongue for the sake of my husband and his friendship but she makes my teeth itch!

We socialise sometimes, I tolerate her, but just recently I've noticed her snide comments more and more. For eg, I have booked something for DH Birthday. I told her, as in general chat. Her response - why are you going there? Well, whatever floats your boat, it was probably good in 1985 etc etc. I just find her comments constantly like this and in texts always has the laughing face emoji after any passive aggressive comment which irks me even more!

I feel like one day I'm just going to explode on her as it's bubbling under the surface now. DH obviously just wants me to not get worked up and rock the boat as would affect his friendship with his mate.

For the record she doesn't really have many friends (I can see why)

Does anyone else have to tolerate their DH annoying wife and how do you navigate it? I guess I could just tell DH to see his mate on his own, but I don't really want to make things awkward for him, I'm just not sure I can stand spending time with her anymore.

No, I would never put myself through this. Let your DP see his mate on his own. Stop engaging with her entirely, life is too short and you aren’t your DP’s mum - he can handle his own social life.

"DH obviously just wants me to not get worked up and rock the boat as would affect his friendship with his mate."
I would be informing my husband that my exploding next time she does her passive-aggressive schtick on me will rock the boat considerably more than my non-attendance.

And - why would it affect his friendship? Really, why? Is his mate's friendship conditional on whether or not he provides a female to entertain his missus? Surely not! So - why would it affect their friendship if they just meet them two selves??

How come your DH friend got with someone so horrible?

Life is too short to put any energy into people like this

You could do the classic MN thing of saying “sorry did you mean to be that rude” but really the best thing to do is step away and let the husband’s socialise on their own

This is one of those sinarios you need to ask what would Jane Boulton do. She's been asking for stuff like this email her I'd love to see what she would say in your position.🤣🤣🤣

Completely anonymous obviously.

Absolutely, I say stupid crap all the time. I do try and ammend it though, worry about it and try and make up for it, this may be the difference here. Some people (like myself) are just socially quite awkward and try and cover it up. It doesn't help that sometimes I'm the life and soul, bright and breezy and seemingly the funny one in my group. It's a bit of a bipolar personality, it's definitely not always like this. A lot of time is spent being anxious and beating myself up. Possibly she does the same.

By all means think of some clever putdowns, but do it after the event.

But putdowns get nobody anywhere.

How about a default reply of "Yes, I suppose you're right" in an ordinary conversational way?
It is hard for the other person to escalate the situation when faced with such a reply. Their default setting is "the other person is wrong, and I am right."
This is why agreeing with them will usually stop them in their tracks.

I must admit it does feel weird the first few times you do it, though

That's definitely insecurity then. Not that you have to tolerate this in the slightest.

"It was good in 1985"
" Really? I didn't realise you were that old to have been then. "

i think some people just say what they think, without realizing how annoying or how much of a pickle they are at times etc

After a nasty dig, I find putting on a very shocked face, pausing a bit and then muttering 'God, you're awful' as you shake your head and walk away, to be incredibly effective!

Keep contact minimal, don't volunteer information. Try to make more meetups just the men. Don't invite them over as a pair. She sounds like a turd.

I have found- “Christ that’s -a rude/awful/indiscrete thing to say!- what do say about me when I am not around?!” To be really effective. It calls it out with a bit of back tracking and then some ability to claw back with some humour.

Why is your DH or his friend making plans that include you and her?

Does DH’s friend do it to force you to spend time with his wife?

Who suggests meeting as a four, DH or his friend?

And why do you go along with it?

Why are you texting her or does she text you? Is it a Whatsapp group?

Haven't you cultivated your "withering look" yet? It helps keep the mouth shut.

Love this.

Do you like DH's friend? If so, then maybe you just have to tolerate his choice of a wife, and be polite but distant, for the sake of DH and his mate.

DH's best mate just married a woman with whom I have nothing in common, and although they have been together for a long time, I'd never met her before the wedding. I can 'pass myself' as the saying goes. We don't have to be bosom buddies. Distance and situations mean we are unlikely to ever be in that position.

I refuse to see my DHs best friends wife. None of the wives in their friendship group will be in the same room as her. I explained to my DH that it’s not going to happen, don’t make plans with them that involve me, because I won’t go. Don’t invite her here, because I will just leave the room. After a bit of complaining it’s been fine, I just don’t see her. With the text messages if you don’t want to outright tell her to go away I would just take days to respond.

This is good advice, and then it becomes something that’s funny/entertaining - instead of annoying.

And if you can subtly (but not too subtly!) get it over to her that you find her amusing, even better.

😂😂 love this 💩

Some people are just unpleasant, without necessarily being insecure.

She created a group WhatsApp. I removed myself a while ago and said I'm reducing my phone time 🤣
She messages me. I don't initiate. She tries to organise things. I ended up on a shopping trip with her last year and spent the entire time listening to her jibes and snide remarks. I swore then never again. Life's too short to be with people who make me feel miserable. I never initiate but sometimes getting out of things causes ill feeling, and I don't want it to cause issues for my DH.

I wonder if she feels the same, her husband is encouraging her but she can’t stand you and knows you don’t like her. The exact same convo is happening in their house about you.

honestly the pair of you should just accept you don’t like each other and stop this surrendered wife thing of trying to please your husbands by spending time together, give it up.