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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's best mates wife is an arse

130 replies

CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 22:36

She is condescending and passive aggressive. I bite my tongue for the sake of my husband and his friendship but she makes my teeth itch!

We socialise sometimes, I tolerate her, but just recently I've noticed her snide comments more and more. For eg, I have booked something for DH Birthday. I told her, as in general chat. Her response - why are you going there? Well, whatever floats your boat, it was probably good in 1985 etc etc. I just find her comments constantly like this and in texts always has the laughing face emoji after any passive aggressive comment which irks me even more!

I feel like one day I'm just going to explode on her as it's bubbling under the surface now. DH obviously just wants me to not get worked up and rock the boat as would affect his friendship with his mate.

For the record she doesn't really have many friends (I can see why)

Does anyone else have to tolerate their DH annoying wife and how do you navigate it? I guess I could just tell DH to see his mate on his own, but I don't really want to make things awkward for him, I'm just not sure I can stand spending time with her anymore.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2023 22:25

RunningAwayToJoinTheCircus · 26/09/2023 23:47

"It was good in 1985"
" Really? I didn't realise you were that old to have been then. "

No. Don't do this being alive and aware of stuff in 1985 doesn't automatically make you a dick. Please don't make things worse by being ageist!

SequentialAnalyst · 28/09/2023 03:00

Don't try to protect your DH feelings at the expense of your own.
He is a grown man, he should be able to handle you stating, and enforcing, your own boundaries. You say yourself, on this very thread, that you don't want to see this woman.

GypsyTartForSchoolLunch · 28/09/2023 05:38

When she said "why are you going there? Well, whatever floats your boat, it was probably good in 1985 etc etc", I'd have been tempted to respond "as you don't like it then I'll put you down as not being able to make it".

Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 28/09/2023 08:39

Concannon88 · 27/09/2023 20:06

Is this an actual issue? Are you joined at the hip or could you both perhaps have separate friends?

She doesnt even sound that bad based on your description. For instance you describe her negatively as passive aggressive and then go on to say you are passive aggressive. I really dont get it.

I went on to say I'm passive aggressive 🤔 I didn't say that.
DH and I aren't joined at the hip. I have my own friends too.
I've tried to be nice to this woman as its DH closest mates wife so obviously be great if we all got along.
We've done many social things with them, but I'm finding her snide remarks very tiring - hence my post for advice, as awkward to navigate this far down the line without making things awkward between my DH and his friend.

OP posts:
Wesel85 · 28/09/2023 08:56

Just tell her that her about her rude behaviour and be honest.
How is she meant to correct such behaviour if your not honest about it, if you don't address it and just don't see her anymore you will look like your making thing difficult.
That way you don't have to feel awkward or make excuses not to see her.

Don't ignore the rude behaviour or comments just to keep the peace.

namechangnancy · 28/09/2023 10:47

@CloakandDagger1 I have a feeling that poster you mentioned is feeling a little triggered by this thread. Pay comments like that no heed.

Frogger8395 · 28/09/2023 11:21

awkward to navigate this far down the line without making things awkward between my DH and his friend

You've said this several times. But you’ve also said your husband will accept it so there will be no awkwardness from him. That only leaves one person to make things awkward which is your H friend.

Is this man as nice as you say he is? I’m wondering if he can be if he sees no problem with his wife’s behaviour. If you can be specific about what awkwardness you are expecting from him people will be able to advise you.

Caroparo52 · 28/09/2023 11:38

Tell dh that his mate's wife gets on your nerves and from now on it's boy's nights only. Everyone will get the message and maybe the penny will drop that she's not a nice person to have as a friend.
If she texts you nicely then reply but not agree to any dates as you're very busy. If she's rude to you then Silence Is A Powerful Tool. Use it.

PyramusandThisbe · 28/09/2023 11:55

Frogger8395 · 28/09/2023 11:21

awkward to navigate this far down the line without making things awkward between my DH and his friend

You've said this several times. But you’ve also said your husband will accept it so there will be no awkwardness from him. That only leaves one person to make things awkward which is your H friend.

Is this man as nice as you say he is? I’m wondering if he can be if he sees no problem with his wife’s behaviour. If you can be specific about what awkwardness you are expecting from him people will be able to advise you.

This. And, frankly, even if the DH's friend is liable to fume that his friend and friend's wife don't like his wife, so what? It's not the OP's problem to solve. She can't bustle about trying to advance-solve potential friendship problems in someone else's friendship, especially as the problems haven't actually happened yet! Her husband needs to take responsibility for maintaining his own friendships, and dealing with any issues that arise.

restingbitchface30 · 28/09/2023 18:57

I don’t like my partners friends wife either! I say partners friend but he’s a good friend of mine too so I tolerate her. But she’s awful. She’s made comments about my weight, my baby’s weight, asked why my daughter has a monobrow but not my son (1 year old twins, half Indian). Very opinionated. The list goes on. But I just tolerate her for his sake. I’m also aware they’re a package now so not really much I can do.

Judecb · 28/09/2023 19:07

Don't blow your top, just very calmly ask her if she's aware how rude she's being, it's much more effective. 😆

Madamum18 · 28/09/2023 19:09

I would have those planned responses ready

  1. "Did you mean to be rude or funny when you said that?"
OR Don't respond, just look at her with a non-plussed expression OR "Yes it flats or boat! What floats your boat then? OR "AS its 2023 I have no idea what it was like in 1985! It looks good to me NOW. We don't have to agree of course! What floats your boat?"
  1. "Career ambition? What are you on about?" Looking bemused and raising your eyes to upwards!
OR "Career ambition? Come to think of it, what is your career ambition?" OR "I like things as they are. I have other priorities in life. What about you\?"

In other words take some control of the conversations rather than stewing and turn the table on her by asking questions about her but nicely and with no put downs

Good luck

SequentialAnalyst · 28/09/2023 19:24

Judecb · 28/09/2023 19:07

Don't blow your top, just very calmly ask her if she's aware how rude she's being, it's much more effective. 😆

Effective at what? It will certainly piss her off, and she may not want to see you again. Job done, that's what you want.

But I wouldn't recommend using this strategy with anyone you want to maintain a relationship in the future, eg a relative, or one of your own friends.

WetWetBottomOnTheNightBus · 28/09/2023 19:24

You could be describing my SIL @CloakandDagger1 . She too is rude bitch.
I limit my interactions with her as much as possible.
I found grey rocking worked really well and I don't get messages any more but do bump into her at family occasions (unfortunately) but I always go with an exit strategy.
Good luck with the grey rock 🪨 technique

Sennelier1 · 28/09/2023 19:29

I'm in a similar situation, not the wife of DH best friend but one of the wives in a larger company of friends. She likes me and has tried desperately to be friends, but then one evening she "told" me my best friend had a drinking problem? That's absolutely not true! What did she think to achieve with that? So since then, when we see eachother, I put on my most distant look, act as if I'm in another dimension or something. Not exactly encouraging. One time she spotted me in the British Museum, grabbed me and kissed me on both cheeks. Surprise! I screamed. She hasn't done it again.

Kat126 · 28/09/2023 20:13

Sennelier1 · 28/09/2023 19:29

I'm in a similar situation, not the wife of DH best friend but one of the wives in a larger company of friends. She likes me and has tried desperately to be friends, but then one evening she "told" me my best friend had a drinking problem? That's absolutely not true! What did she think to achieve with that? So since then, when we see eachother, I put on my most distant look, act as if I'm in another dimension or something. Not exactly encouraging. One time she spotted me in the British Museum, grabbed me and kissed me on both cheeks. Surprise! I screamed. She hasn't done it again.

My ‘Husband’s Friend’s Annoying Wife’ probably thinks I have a drink problem as I always need to drink in her company. 😁

BooneyBeautiful · 28/09/2023 20:17

CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 22:59

Yes, maybe I need to lay off. I'm pretty friendly by nature, but I think I'll maybe start being a bit more distant and explain to DH to try and keep me out of future plans as much as possible. Why are some people like this though. They lose out on what could be potentially good friends!

Show quote history

I think you might need to be a bit more direct and tell DH that you are definitely not mixing with her again. That way there will be no crossed wires. Good luck!

DanielsDancingMonkey · 28/09/2023 21:01

My husband has a group of very close (male) friends. We went out with them a couple of years ago, and two of the wives were really unpleasant to me. Now if he goes out with them, he goes on his own.

The first time he went alone, he asked how to explain my absence. I suggested “Monkey says you were so f$€%ing unpleasant last time, she would rather stick needles in her eyes than see you again.”

I think he actually said we had been let down by the babysitter.

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 28/09/2023 21:08

DH has one of those. We just don’t socialise with her, which is a real shame as his lifelong best friend is just lovely and we get on so well. However, his wife is just dreadful. Boastful, insincere, pretentious, egotistical and dull. The type that bores everyone with how valuable and indispensable she is to her boss 🙄

The rest of ‘the wives’ are lovely. There’s always one!

PongPingPong · 28/09/2023 21:47

Let DH socialise on his own. I don't see his work and sports club friends let alone their partners. Far healthier to have own friends than couple ones. None happen to be DH friends' wives even if most of them are lovely. I find the concept of couple socialising so wierd but clearly it happens.

emmylousings · 28/09/2023 22:29

I have a lovely friend who's partner I just cannot stand. They are happy, it seems like a healthy relationship but I want to scream about the way he treats her (cloying, over the top.nice, she likes it, I find it annoying). I try really hard to see her alone. Tbf, I don't think she likes my DP either!!

JFDIYOLO · 29/09/2023 00:57

Perhaps pretending to be her friend then slagging her off to thousands of women suggests you're more alike than you think

Skynorth · 29/09/2023 02:50

“Snide comments”……. Yet you’re the one bad-mouthing her privately to a bunch of strangers on Mumsnet.
Nobody is forcing you to socialise with her. If you don’t like her don’t engage with her. Just because she is your partner’s bestie’s missus doesn’t mean you have to see her.
Two of my partner’s friends’ wives are just hideous, an opinion shared by many people we know, I never see them and if we see them when we’re out (inevitable in a small rural community) I say hi but that’s the beginning and end of the conversation. My partner goes to see his mates (usually when the wives aren’t in) and if they come to our house they don’t bring their partners. I have actually stayed away from two events because I knew they were both going.
What it amounts to is this: I am responsible for my own feelings so I decide who I see or don’t see.
If not wanting to socialise with these women is an issue for your partner then he isn’t acknowledging that your feelings are valid. Which is a problem. You would need to ask why it would be an issue for him, for example would he feel awkward explaining why you weren’t present on a night out or whatever? In which case he would be placing more importance on his own feelings than on yours. He needs to acknowledge that you alone can decide who you socialise with and that your choice doesn’t affect him (no matter how much he thinks it does.)

Mothership4two · 29/09/2023 03:20

It sounds like you are going to distance yourself from her anyway OP. But if you are every in her company again and she asks a rude question or makes a rude comment, I would ask her why she has said that every single time. If she is going be unpleasant then let her explain herself.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 29/09/2023 04:59

It’s absolutely liberating to free yourself of these duties. I was in a similar position. The woman is married to a friend of mine and my husband’s. Known each other for 30 years. I actually like her in a lot of ways but when she gets pissed she’s so vile and would speak down to me. I gave her a few chances then decided I wouldn’t tolerate it. Husband still sees him. I miss him but certainly don’t miss the drama. Respect yourself and your time. You don’t even have to make it into a big thing. Just say to your husband you don’t fancy it each time and encourage him to have a boys’ night! It’s fine. Well done on not tolerating her bollocks. Resting about the passive aggressive emojis made my bum cheeks clench!