DH's best mates wife is an arse

[CloakandDagger1]

She is condescending and passive aggressive. I bite my tongue for the sake of my husband and his friendship but she makes my teeth itch!

We socialise sometimes, I tolerate her, but just recently I've noticed her snide comments more and more. For eg, I have booked something for DH Birthday. I told her, as in general chat. Her response - why are you going there? Well, whatever floats your boat, it was probably good in 1985 etc etc. I just find her comments constantly like this and in texts always has the laughing face emoji after any passive aggressive comment which irks me even more!

I feel like one day I'm just going to explode on her as it's bubbling under the surface now. DH obviously just wants me to not get worked up and rock the boat as would affect his friendship with his mate.

For the record she doesn't really have many friends (I can see why)

Does anyone else have to tolerate their DH annoying wife and how do you navigate it? I guess I could just tell DH to see his mate on his own, but I don't really want to make things awkward for him, I'm just not sure I can stand spending time with her anymore.

I'd just drop the rope.

But I do occasional deploy the line of "Huh. I didn't think that people said that sort of thing."

I like it because it's maddeningly non-specific as a putdown.

As PPs have said: insecure, jealous and thinks she's better than you. Sounds like Pauline in Mum.

Glad it’s not just me!

my husbands friends wife is from a very grand family, fallen on hard times now though. We go around or they come here and she’s very snobbish about having the right cutlery and wine glasses, and very hot on table manners. Our usual thing is we would put a stew on the table, potatoes in a bowl, and veg etc in another bowl and everyone dives in in a serve yourself sort of way. Apart from her who couldn’t possibly take a spoonful of the potatoes infront if her cause she hasn’t had someone else offer them to her, and she makes a snide comment if we hadn’t heated the plates, and we are drinking white wine from red wine glasses, blah blah blah. It’s just a bog standard stew and cheap plonk ffs.

and my kids are autistic and can’t stand food touching other food so that gets raised eyebrows as well. And we don’t grow our own veg - tut tut. It’s so pompous and tedious. I just want people to come around that are prepared to relax and have a good time - and she is not this!

It's perfectly fine for your husband to have a friend and you not meet as couples . I know in an ideal world it would be great to knock about as 2 couples . But you've tried and it hasn't worked. So I'd just duck out .

Halloween is approaching. Time for ghosting season. There is no need to answer her. I have a neighbour who is a carbon copy of the woman you describe. My way to manage her snide remarks is to appreciate that her own life is pathetic and she must focus on the efforts of others to boost her fragile ego. These people are best managed by always being busy, and just not answering anything that gives her an audiences for her one line put downs. Your husband can enjoy his friendship in the meantime.

Meet up as couples occasionally before Xmas and before midsummer or something. Rest of the time your husbands can meet up. I don't have anything against my best friends husband but I don't really want him there when I want to spend time with my friend.

Is it though?

"laid back and a definite peace keeper" could be reworded as 'total pushover who can be pushed around by those willing to engage in confrontation'.

Every characteristic has a good and a bad side, depending on the situation. Amongst 'normal' people, your husband being laid back and a peacekeeper is a good thing. Amongst rude and pushy people, it is a bad thing as it encourages the rude and pushy to push all the further. You have seen your husband in all situations, in most of which his laid-back peacekeeper personality is a positive. Frogger has 'seen' him only in this particular situation, where being a laid-back peacekeeper is a negative.

"I think he's just trying to avoid a showdown"
Yes - by effectively offering you up to bear the brunt of his friend's wives barbs. Avoiding a showdown is mostly a positive, but not in this situation with this person. It just emboldens her all the more. Some people need to be called out or, yes, shunned.

You don't have to put up with this. You say "he'd be on board" not doing things as a four. So do it. And warn him that if a foursome is arranged again, the gloves will be off, just to let him know there will be consequences to you being forced into this woman's company again. "Firey" will not be a strong enough description!

Agree with this.

An example from my husband:

Car blocks us in on our drive. I'm eight months pregnant, and needless to say, fucking fuming. Him being less wound up than me is a positive. But when we track down the culprit over half an hour later, he says 'it's ok' as he moves the car.

It is NOT ok. But my husband's mealy-mouthed response means that they do the same thing the next day. And I end up getting narky with the neighbour. My husband annoyed with me for getting angry - but all it needed was for him to say, 'thanks for moving the car but you absolutely cannot park there again, especially as my wife is pregnant and needs to be able to leave at a moment's notice'.

WTF op!! Why is your DH putting you in the firing line here? He needs to have your back and stop organising things that include you being berated by this asshat.

Honestly you are not his support human! Tell him to get on with it without you.

God, I can't imagine spending time with DH's friends' spouses/partners, unless I actually liked them and considered them friends too, or, if for some obscure reason I did feel compelled to see them socially, doing anything whatsoever to 'keep the peace'. Either stop seeing her entirely, or, if you are in her presence, just say 'How rude' if she's snide, and if she's as frequently rude as you say, there won't be any repeat invitations. Life's too short.

I'd just reply to every stupid message from her with "Oh, shut up Mary."

I like this.

Especially if her name isn't Mary.

Stop texting her. Let DH meet up with his friend without you.

But. If she says anything like this when you're all together:

Pause
"sorry I'm not sure what you mean. Can you explain." At least twice (bonus for: tinkly laugh "soz, still don't understand")

I do this for sexist/racist/homophobic comments. (then reduce contact unless it was really out of character)

I'd say are you this much of a cunt to everyone or just me ? and laugh. If she says oh it was probably ok in 1985 - say I know - like your hair do! and trill with laughter.

Oh lord I worry you know one of my ex friends. She and her husband came as a couple and only did socialising as a couple (should have been a red flag in hindsight)

She did this all the time and jut really used to grind my gears. I realised she repeatedly said passive aggressive comments to anyone that threatened her.

Has she churned through many friends by change ? I noticed with my ex friend that whenever someone stood up to her or called her on her shit, she turned on that person.

Disengage and I would say to your dh go on your own and if they ask why I'm not coming mention that the wife has made some unpleasant comments and you aren't into that level of negativity.

Ps my friend was all about "positivity" - but this made it incredibly hard to say hey your being rude without her saying "oh I'm just such a positive person" 🙄🙄

Good luck op I'm glad I don't have to deal with that shit anymore tbh.

This is a bit extreme.
My marriage is a happy one, my DH is just much more laid back and a definite peace keeper which is a quality I admire.
I think he's just trying to avoid a showdown 😂
If I tell him I'd rather not do things as a four, he'd be on board. I think he just shies away from confrontation really whereas he knows I'm a bit little more firey! ( which I've kept under control with this woman - but I can see it changing) 😂

It’s not extreme at all.
It’s an appropriate response based on what you’ve said. And you’ve stated several times that your husband doesn’t want you to rock the boat and that it will affect his friendship. It wont.

Of course you’re firey. You wouldn’t have been brought into it if you weren’t. You, like many other women have been brought into this situation to firefight. To have the conflict that he wont. To be assertive for the both of you because he won’t.

Id say he is very much up for a showdown. And he’ll probably apologise for you afterwards. Bitchy rude woman versus firey wife. What could go wrong?

Is there any reason he can’t confront this issue directly with the wife, or with his friend?

You don't want to make things awkward for your husband, but he's quite happy with things being awkward for you.

Speaking from extremely difficult experience, stop interacting with her. Don’t text, don’t accompany DH to see them. Let him get used to seeing his mate by himself. Life is too short for toxic “friendships”.

My DH often goes out with a friend without me and friend's wife, not a big deal, works well

'Did you mean to be so rude?'

In true MN style.

I worked with a woman like this. I faced it head on one day. I said to her “why do you think a laugh or giggle makes your nasty comments acceptable? “ she looked like I had shot her in the arse. Being passive aggressive is not ok, and you can’t polish a nasty comment in giggles to make it ok.

Is this an actual issue? Are you joined at the hip or could you both perhaps have separate friends?

She doesnt even sound that bad based on your description. For instance you describe her negatively as passive aggressive and then go on to say you are passive aggressive. I really dont get it.

Omg, I think I know her too

My husband’s best friend used to have a wife that was an absolute nightmare to hang out with. She used to be incredibly controlling and always spoke down to her husband and treated him like dirt.

One day both had a terrible argument and got into a fight. The wife threatened him and he committed suicide. It was horrific. He was always such a calm and nice guy but the way that woman treated him would make any sane person become insane. I told my DH that I refused to see her and I knew that she was making his life living hell.

DH told him several times to leave her for his own sanity but they have a kid together and she threatened to never let him see his kid again. The wife was incredibly lazy and entitled too as used to spend his money with little regard to him when he brought 100% into the relationship. To this day I don’t understand why he didn’t leave her and fight for custody as she is such a horrible person and I feel bad for her daughter.

Its been a few years now and my DH is still traumatised by this. I know this is prob more deep than you asked for but if she’s bad news just walk away and just let your husband meet with his friend on his own. That’s what my DH used to do.

Did you mean to come across as rudely as you did in this comment ?

I suspect if you don't get why ops getting upset and you don't get think ops friend is acting badly, then I strongly suspect you are the friend in this scenario.

Because most people would be tired of this type of behaviour and recognise it as a giant red flag.