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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's best mates wife is an arse

130 replies

CloakandDagger1 · 26/09/2023 22:36

She is condescending and passive aggressive. I bite my tongue for the sake of my husband and his friendship but she makes my teeth itch!

We socialise sometimes, I tolerate her, but just recently I've noticed her snide comments more and more. For eg, I have booked something for DH Birthday. I told her, as in general chat. Her response - why are you going there? Well, whatever floats your boat, it was probably good in 1985 etc etc. I just find her comments constantly like this and in texts always has the laughing face emoji after any passive aggressive comment which irks me even more!

I feel like one day I'm just going to explode on her as it's bubbling under the surface now. DH obviously just wants me to not get worked up and rock the boat as would affect his friendship with his mate.

For the record she doesn't really have many friends (I can see why)

Does anyone else have to tolerate their DH annoying wife and how do you navigate it? I guess I could just tell DH to see his mate on his own, but I don't really want to make things awkward for him, I'm just not sure I can stand spending time with her anymore.

OP posts:
Owjrbvr · 27/09/2023 09:14

I don’t like my DHs best friends partner - she is patronising and makes it clear she thinks she is better than me. I have really tried but now DH primarily sees his friend alone; maybe we see them both for a weekend once a year or parties of events but that’s my limit. It’s helped by her not being that keen on me because I don’t pander to her being amazing in every single way

countrygirl99 · 27/09/2023 09:19

You need a bingo card. We have one for one of DHs SILs.

Ladyoftheknight · 27/09/2023 09:33

If you can't avoid her, I'd have a word. Ask her if you've done something to upset you, as she always seems defensive and on edge. Make her see what you see- she might be insecure and projecting, or just a cow without realising.

A woman I know used to be awful in public, mocking me and anyone she was with, knocking things over and loudly blaming us etc. I asked her what her problem was and she's very anxious and in social situations just flaps and panics about everything. It could be something like that

Everydayimhuffling · 27/09/2023 09:47

Interesting that she's trying to initiate a friendships with you. In that case I would comment on her rudeness in a straightforward way with no anger. Either she'll become more aware of her behaviour or she'll want to spend less time with you. Win win!

Sunshinenrain · 27/09/2023 09:47

I don’t understand why so many people have to socialise as couples.

If it’s his friend then them 2 should socialise by themselves.
Then you can socialise with your friends and his DW can socialise with her friends.

I’d hate it if I met up with my friend and she brought her DH.

In some scenarios it can’t be helped but if after you’ve met her you know you didn’t like her then I would stop meeting up.

Sunshinenrain · 27/09/2023 09:51

Owjrbvr · 27/09/2023 09:14

I don’t like my DHs best friends partner - she is patronising and makes it clear she thinks she is better than me. I have really tried but now DH primarily sees his friend alone; maybe we see them both for a weekend once a year or parties of events but that’s my limit. It’s helped by her not being that keen on me because I don’t pander to her being amazing in every single way

This is a good compromise.

Tell your DH to go and see his friend on his own.

If it’s an event that you’re both at then be prepared to be blunt with her.

If someone was rude about something I had booked for my DH I’d have said something like - what do you mean by that? Don’t you think that’s a shitty thing to say?

Some people are rude because people let them get away with it.

Clarich007 · 27/09/2023 09:53

She sounds awful, but why are you pussy footing round the problem ?
She obviously doesn't care about your feelings, why should you care about hers?
I would have to call her out on this very childish behaviour every time. It might feel uncomfortable though. Don't the men ever comment when she is being like this ?
I agree though to limiting contact.Life's too short for putting up with horrible people.

Frogger8395 · 27/09/2023 09:54

I never initiate but sometimes getting out of things causes ill feeling, and I don't want it to cause issues for my DH

Ill feeling with who? Why would it cause issues for your husband? There’s no need to sacrifice yourself to this dysfunction to keep your husband happy.

Clarich007 · 27/09/2023 10:00

Very good point Frogger

Sunshinenrain · 27/09/2023 10:01

Frogger8395 · 27/09/2023 09:54

I never initiate but sometimes getting out of things causes ill feeling, and I don't want it to cause issues for my DH

Ill feeling with who? Why would it cause issues for your husband? There’s no need to sacrifice yourself to this dysfunction to keep your husband happy.

I agree.

Why doesn’t your DH just say DW can’t make it so shall we meet up just the 2 of us and go to the pub/walk/meal and catch up.

Frickinghell · 27/09/2023 10:10

Stop engaging with her. If you have to go out, dont tell her anything about you, just ask her questions. Be polite and a nice human. Try to limit the time you spend together

thing47 · 27/09/2023 10:55

Surely every couple has friends who they see on their own? It doesn't even have to be a case of actively disliking the partners, you might just not have anything in common, or you might prefer to see friends of your own or follow a hobby. As @Frogger8395 and @Sunshinenrain there really is no need to martyr yourself, you just say to your DH that you don't want to spend time with his best friend's wife so he needs to stop including you in meet-ups.

Say you don't mind parties or events where there are lots of other people as well, but you don't want to socialise as a four. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about this.

Olika · 27/09/2023 10:59

thing47 · 27/09/2023 10:55

Surely every couple has friends who they see on their own? It doesn't even have to be a case of actively disliking the partners, you might just not have anything in common, or you might prefer to see friends of your own or follow a hobby. As @Frogger8395 and @Sunshinenrain there really is no need to martyr yourself, you just say to your DH that you don't want to spend time with his best friend's wife so he needs to stop including you in meet-ups.

Say you don't mind parties or events where there are lots of other people as well, but you don't want to socialise as a four. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about this.

I agree.

Frogger8395 · 27/09/2023 11:00

I feel like one day I'm just going to explode on her as it's bubbling under the surface now. DH obviously just wants me to not get worked up and rock the boat

She sounds extremely unpleasant but she’s not actually the source of your anger. The anger is a symptom of your self betrayal and lack of boundaries because you are doing something you don’t want to do. You’re pretending to be her friend to keep your husband happy. Your anger is the part of you that knows you’re being treated badly by your husband and that toxic bitch.

Your husband sounds like a arsehole too. He watches you becoming upset and angry and thinks it’s ok. He thinks you should meekly accept this woman’s behaviour for his benefit despite the fact it’s so upsetting for you.

Put a stop to this shit today. Tell your husband you will no longer tolerate this bitch and that you will never discuss the matter ever again. It’s not your responsibility to tolerate dysfunction to support his ridiculous friendship. He’s a grown man. How he manages this is his problem.

After you’ve done that you should look at your marriage to see if you’re self sacrificing in other areas. Because what he’s been expecting you to do is completely unacceptable. He does not get to grant his friends wife access to you against your wishes which is what he’s done.

Kat126 · 27/09/2023 11:01

Oh OP, so is my husband’s (lovely) friend’s wife. I totally get it.

Some of my ways of dealing with this:

  1. I’m totally transparent with my husband in briefly explaining why she’s objectively an arse. We don’t dwell on it. To her credit, she does this single-handedly when we go out together as a 4. Eg has mood swings in restaurants which ruin the night and is rude to waiting staff.
  2. I encourage my husband to do things with his friend 1:1 or with their other mates. This minimises the chance of us having to do things as a 4 as he sees his friend fairly regularly for a catch up.
  3. When she invites me to stuff 1:1, I make up an excuse. She thinks I have a very busy social life. I really don’t.
  4. I ration the time we have to spend with them. I actually like spending time with her husband as he’s nice and quite fun and my husband obviously values his friendship. He just married someone who is the opposite, unfortunately. We maybe see them a couple of times a year now eg Christmas time is one of them.
  5. She is very tight and will only go to cheap restaurants. I am happy to splash out on a nice meal now and again so when they ask about when we’re next going to meet as a 4, I’ll say “Why don’t you come to [expensive restaurant] with us? We’ve already booked.” They usually make an excuse or suggest a place that’s more budget-friendly for them the next weekend. If they do this, I usually just go back to “Sorry I’ve already got plans with a friend on that evening.” (We do still go along to the restaurants they suggest if eating out - but we’ve had several bad meals. Another reason I don’t love going out with them…)
  6. When we are with them, I tend to get a few wines down me in quick succession to make her less insufferable! 🍷
Kat126 · 27/09/2023 11:06

Frickinghell · 27/09/2023 10:10

Stop engaging with her. If you have to go out, dont tell her anything about you, just ask her questions. Be polite and a nice human. Try to limit the time you spend together

This is another tip too, OP. I just answer her questions about my life without really elaborating and “letting her in” as I would with my friends or people who I want to have in-depth conversation with. I ask lots of questions so they can do the talking and I can just sit there getting drunk.

Frogger8395 · 27/09/2023 11:46

Does anyone else have to tolerate their DH annoying wife and how do you navigate it?

No. You don’t have to tolerate anyone. I don’t know why so many men claim to need their wives to tolerate their friends nasty wife, or their nasty mil or sil to support their relationships. We see it on here all the time.

Are any of her her nasty comments directed at your husband op? How does he react?

diddl · 27/09/2023 11:47

why are you going there? Well, whatever floats your boat, it was probably good in 1985

If someone spoke to me like that I'd assume that they were generally nasty/didn't like me.

Either way I wouldn't want to waste any more time on them.

If I had to see her I'd leave the talking to the others!

Orangetreexherry · 27/09/2023 12:06

OP, would your DH make the similar sacrifice for you if the situation was reverse? I don't think so. In any case, I wouldn't do anything I'm not comfortable with, for a grown up man. You are not his mum.

StolenCookie · 27/09/2023 12:23

She’s not a direct friend of yours so it should be relatively easy to distance yourself. I wouldn’t ‘give her a taste of her own medicine’ as has been suggested here - satisfying as it might be, you risk coming across as the horrible one if you end up in an altercation and she tells people you exploded at her for no reason. Also she must be miserable in her life if she behaves so poorly. I think walk away and just live your life!

FrozenGhost · 27/09/2023 12:34

Just don't spend time with her, surely. I don't spend time with my DH friends/their partners and rarely with my friends partners. And they are nice people, we just aren't friends as such and I have my own friends, hobbies and interests that take up my time.

Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 27/09/2023 13:23

Frogger8395 · 27/09/2023 11:00

I feel like one day I'm just going to explode on her as it's bubbling under the surface now. DH obviously just wants me to not get worked up and rock the boat

She sounds extremely unpleasant but she’s not actually the source of your anger. The anger is a symptom of your self betrayal and lack of boundaries because you are doing something you don’t want to do. You’re pretending to be her friend to keep your husband happy. Your anger is the part of you that knows you’re being treated badly by your husband and that toxic bitch.

Your husband sounds like a arsehole too. He watches you becoming upset and angry and thinks it’s ok. He thinks you should meekly accept this woman’s behaviour for his benefit despite the fact it’s so upsetting for you.

Put a stop to this shit today. Tell your husband you will no longer tolerate this bitch and that you will never discuss the matter ever again. It’s not your responsibility to tolerate dysfunction to support his ridiculous friendship. He’s a grown man. How he manages this is his problem.

After you’ve done that you should look at your marriage to see if you’re self sacrificing in other areas. Because what he’s been expecting you to do is completely unacceptable. He does not get to grant his friends wife access to you against your wishes which is what he’s done.

This is a bit extreme.
My marriage is a happy one, my DH is just much more laid back and a definite peace keeper which is a quality I admire.
I think he's just trying to avoid a showdown 😂
If I tell him I'd rather not do things as a four, he'd be on board. I think he just shies away from confrontation really whereas he knows I'm a bit little more firey! ( which I've kept under control with this woman - but I can see it changing) 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
CloakandDagger1 · 27/09/2023 13:31

Frogger8395 · 27/09/2023 11:46

Does anyone else have to tolerate their DH annoying wife and how do you navigate it?

No. You don’t have to tolerate anyone. I don’t know why so many men claim to need their wives to tolerate their friends nasty wife, or their nasty mil or sil to support their relationships. We see it on here all the time.

Are any of her her nasty comments directed at your husband op? How does he react?

Sometimes yes. Which makes me super protective. DH isn't a pushover, he's just a lovely natured man with a big heart who dislikes confrontation. She just makes underhand snide remarks. She asked me once why I have no career ambition 😂
I just find her rude tbh

OP posts:
TheShinmeister · 27/09/2023 13:33

It’s jealousy, plain and simple plus she thinks she’s better than you

Frogger8395 · 27/09/2023 14:10

If I tell him I'd rather not do things as a four, he'd be on board

Then do this.