To have lost it at DS aged 11

[FluthyFeaffers]

I have yelled at him this evening.
He is 11, soon to be 12.
Started Yr 7 in secondary school 3 weeks ago.
He is struggling so much with his (lack of) organisation in the mornings before school, I am at my wits end.
I spent the whole of year 5 and 6 battling, absolutely battling with him to get ready for school, but never succeeded. We were late every single day for 2 years.
"Eat your breakfast" gets distracted eating breakfast.
"Clean your teeth" goes upstairs to clean teeth but wanders around doing something else.
"Get dressed" goes in to bedroom to get dressed but ends up doing something else.
Etc. Etc. All through year 5 & 6.
It made us late because whilst this was going on I'm racing around trying to get myself ready for work and trying to get my other younger DC ready. Then I'd go and check on DS and he'd never ever have done what I'd sent him to do.
Nothing worked to motivate him. No reward system, no sticker chart, no amount of explaining about the repercussions of not doing as asked, no amount of explaining about the knock on effect of being late for school. I tried it all for 2 years. Nothing worked.
But because it was primary school, all that happened to him was we missed the school gate and had to go roundcto the front reception to be let in. He got a warm friendly greeting from teachers and I got a look of "Why can't you get your poor child in to school on time" and then I'd arrive late for work and get reprimanded for it.
So I spent the whole summer drilling it in to him that in Yr 7 he must must must get to school on time, because in secondary school if you're late you get a detention, because you're causing your sibling masses of stress by making them late for school every time you're late for school, because I am getting in to serious trouble at work because of arriving late every day because I drop you in late because you're not ready to leave on time, because it creates SO MUCH STRESS when you won't get ready in time to leave on time for school.
Yes yes yes yes yes mum, he said every time I brought it up over summer.
I promise, promise, promise I will change, he said.
4 weeks in to secondary school, and it is a nightmare every single morning.
He cannot, cannot get himself ready for school in time to leave.
I spell out for him every single morning what he needs to do. It's soooooo eeeeeasy. It's the same god damn things every single day! Nothing changes! Do x, y, z.
"Yes mum" wanders around.
"Have you done x, y and z?"
"No, sorry, I forgot. I'll do it now"
Wanders off.
"Why haven't you done x? Ive asked you twice now"
"Sorry"
"Do it now"
"Why haven't you done y? I've asked you 3 times"
"I'm sorry. I'll do it. I'm trying my best"
Last week he needed to take his PE bag on 1 of the says.
"Remember to take your PE bag today, it's hanging in the cupboard " I said.
"Oh yeah!!!!! PE!!!!! I forgot!!!!!! Thanks for reminding me!!!!!"
20 mins later:
"Have you got your PE bag?"
"Oh No! I forgot! I'll get it now...."
15 mins later, after non stop constant continuous marshalling to get ready, do this, do that, do this, do that:
"Right, come on, we're late again, pick up your rucksack and your PE bag we need to leave NOW"
DS hovers around putting on tie and blazer which I'd asked him to do the the past hour sling with all his other things he needs to do.
"NOW" I raise my voice, as he's making my other child late for school and me late for work.
He runs out the door, jumps in the car.
We get to school.
He turns pale and says "I've forgotten my PE bag"
"Tough" I say. " I have told you 3 times this morning to take your PE bag. I reminded you for the 3rd time right before we left home."
DS starts crying
"I will get a detention!!!!!!!!!"
His worst, absolute worst fear, is getting a detention. He's never had one, and is terrified of getting one.
"Maybe you'll learn if you get a detention " I say.
Then he starts begging and pleading with me to take him home to get his PE bag. He's crying sorry over and over again. He looks physically ill, sweating, clammy, pale.
So I drive him home to get PE bag.
My other child starts crying because now she is horribly late for school (different school) and is too young to go in by herself plus she has SEN and isn't mature enough to cope with going in by herself.
I drop him back to school. He's late. I drop DD toschool. She's late. I get 'the look' from her teachers. I drive to work. I'm late. I get disciplined by my boss.
That evening, I talk to DS for a very, very long time about the impact of his disorganisation in the mornings.
We work out that it would help him if I wrote down for him everything he needs to do in the mornings.
So I write it all out in very clear, bullet point steps. I show it to him, he thinks it's really helpful.
Great, I think.
Why didnt I think of this before.
1 week on, it's of no help at all.
This morning, he's wandering around telling me he's ready whilst simultaneously having forgotten 7 instructions in his morning list. I pointed each of the 7 things on the list out to him, staring each thing that was on the list that he hadn't done.
I told him to do them.
Went off to get other child ready to leave, I'm ready to leave, DS still not ready to leave. We were all late again.
Yesterday, he had something really important to take to school. His timetable. I askedchim SIX TIMES to put his timetable in to his rucksack (he'd got it out at home and I'd seen it in theclounge). I told him the night before, and again in the morning, 6 separate times in total "Put your timetable in to your rucksack now, otherwise you will forget" . 6 times. The 6th time was just before we left. I mean, I was getting more and more stern each time. "Put. Your. Timetable. In. To. Your. Rucksack. NOW. NOW!" We got to school. He turned pale. Panicked. "Mum I've forgotten my timetable!!!!!!!".
I point blank refused to go back and sent him in to school without it. He was really upset. Told me after school today that he'd gone to the wrong classroom at one point in the day as couldn't remember without his timetable. So I said "Go and put it in your rucksack now then, do it now".
"Ok" he says.
Dinnertime:
"Did you put your timetable in your rucksack?"
"Oh No! I got distracted! I'll do it now!"
Evening time
"Is your timetable in your rucksack?"
"No.......I forgot......."
"Go and do it immediately "
"OK...."
Bedtime, he's in bed, reading:
"Darling, is your timetable in your rucksack, did you do it?"
"No, sorry, I'm sorry mum, I forgot"
And that was that.
I lost it.
Yelled at him. For ages.
I have NEVER yelled at him before. Never.
He was devastated. So remorseful. Said sorry over and over again.
And finally, he broke my heart by sadly and quietly saying "I'm so sorry for being me. I really struggle with my short term memory mummy. I know it causes problems butvi cant help it".
He's soon to be 12.
He has not got SEN.
He's bright.
He's average at school except for maths where he's below average.
He's amazing in every other way.
He's such a good boy.
He tries so hard all of the time to do his best.
He's a clever boy.
He's a wonderful personality.
Fantastic sense of humour.
Loving.
Kind.
Affectionate.
Funny.
Friends love him.
Teachers complimentary about him.
What the hell is wrong with him in tbe mornings?????????
Am I being too hard?
Am I expecting too much????

People just want to help, the person asking the question might like to read a variety of different experiences. It shows how many people care.

Just a little anecdote for you. My BIL was diagnosed in year 5 with ADHD but his mum never told him as didn't want him on any medication or for him feel different at school and he was just about keeping up at school .. he was the class clown and good at sports so got by.. he scraped through high school and got a place at university although not at any of his top choices. After leaving high school he decided to seek help himself and a doctor advised him he had adhd and said he should try some medication even as a trial for a few months to see how he got on.. he said it changed his whole trajectory.. he said he finally understood how easy it was for others to learn. He started to get fantastic marks and graduated with a 1st.. He now owns his own business and takes medication when he has a lot to get through that day, needs to concentrate on a report or has an important meeting. When I was reluctant to try meds with my son - he told me his story and said he wished his mum had even let him try as his high school years would have been so much easier. They don't work for everyone but if they do you know almost immediately.

Op I have an ability to do that, at one point I thought it was 100% normal.

Ask what he reads first when doing comprehension, I assume that's still a thing, short story & questions.

I used to read the questions first and then look for the answer.

He's a 12 year old boy - he will not want his Mum (or Dad) hovering over him in the bathroom.

He needs to get into a routine that is automatic doesn't need thinking about. And learn to use strategies to help him cope. Mum cannot be there forever.

It's impossible to say with any certainty without knowing your kid, but it seems to me he has a mental block of some sort about going to school.
He knows he has to go, but clearly does not want to go to school.
This started 2 years ago?
Did something significant happen 2 years ago?
You need to see things from his perspective.
Everything makes sense when you have all the facts.
So, what facts are you missing??

I’ve made. Post instead of a reply. Ohh dear. 🤣

Has he been reading out loud to you? Do you sometimes discuss the text and what it means? If you haven't been, can I suggest starting now to help him with his comprehension?

I would recommend watching Connor DeWolfe on TikTok or Facebook reels. He is an actor who was in the Mighty Ducks game changers, and does a lot of ADHD related videos. They are extremely educational but also very funny. He has one video where he suggests that ADHD should be renamed to DAVE (Dopamine Attention Variability Executive dysfunction) because kids with ADHD don’t have a deficit in attention, they can’t regulate it. I’ve pasted the link below:

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1495050534568379?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

MevBrown

This didn’t start 2 years ago, it was in primary school as well. The only change is he isn’t at primary.

What op describes is me growing up

Apparently my mother timed me one morning and it took me 20 minutes to put on a pair of socks. I was apparently staring out if the window fit most of the time.

I have 2 dc with ADHD and I laid all their clothes out for them to put on in the morning and would be running between each child to keep them on track to get ready for school

One morning I popped my head round the door to ds’s room. He had on his pyjama top and his school trousers and was jumping up and down on his bed
I told him to finish off getting ready
I then went to attend to his sister and then returned to his room to find him in bed with his pyjamas on
Apparently when I said get ready he got confused as to what he was supposed to be getting ready for so feeling a bit tired he thought it must be bedtime so took his school trousers off and put on his pyjama bottoms and got into bed. 🤣

We were very late that day.

Omg OP you’re such a lovely mum! I love how you’ve read up on ADHD and are sitting with him and listening to him. He will honestly remember this forever!

Sugarfree23 andFluthyFeaffers

I do that too. If it is instructions I read through the words then go back and read through again one instruction at a time over and over till it has gone in my brain and I can picture what I am supposed todo.

I used to say If they could take each Exam syllabus and make it into an interesting film and pepper it with everything you needed to know to pass the exam I would have got top marks and passed everything
I can remember what is on the screen but nothing I read goes in unless it is something that interests me

This is exactly ADD. Hyper focus is a major characteristics and so is good long term memory. He's apologizing for being himself and is building terrible self esteem, you need to get him in therapy to build the skills you don't have the ability to help him with. Maybe also get yourself tested.

@Yalta visual thinking and rememberimg a picture is definitely a thing.

I work a lot with spreadsheets. Everything of mine is covered in colour. A bit of colour makes it so much easier to follow rather than hundreds of lines.

That all sounds amazing OP it's a long battle but worth it. You're an amazing Mum

Disregard all the negative responses. You are going through a very stressful time with your daughter the SEN process is not easy. Unless people have gone through or know the difficulty there is in getting a SEN they will never understand how hard it is. You've also said your daughter has medical problems people should have empathy and not judge when they are not in your shoes. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I hope everything goes well with your daughters SEN and with your son. Good luck💙

Absolutely screams ADHD, especially that he can be hyper focused on topics which interest him… Lego etc.?
The poor divil really is trying his best and the remorse and apologies sound so genuine too.

Absolutely infuriating for you though xx

@Yalta do you ever screw up the instructions on Old le paso Enchiladas kits? Something about the way they are written makes me screw up every time.

Sorry Op for going off on a tangent

He. Has. Adhd ! Xxx

Exactly ! Xx

Delighted 🩷

That's ADHD for sure sound just like my daughter. And hperfixation is alsp a sign of ADHD.

@Becqke OPs (Original Posters) don't edit the opening post, as it would make the rest of the thread confusing. Instead, it's important to at least read all the posts written by the OP on a thread before commenting, in case the thread has moved on significantly from the original AIBU - as it has in this case.

It's really lovely to read your update @FluthyFeaffers. I have a daughter with a processing disorder and we do the sitting down and going through her day thing each day. It really helps her to process things that have happened and cement her learning for the day. It can take ages, but it's important to her, and like you, I would do anything for my DC if it helps them.

I would say ADD with the communication disorder that comes with it and possibly ASD as well. The problem with primary school is that it's set up perfectly to manage routine that it can mask these disorders. We didn't find out until the end of Y7 that our DS couldn't remember or get to assemblies in different rooms, or cope with music lessons on random days.

Ours has a communication disorder. It means unless he writes things down his brain discards them as unimportant. He has no concept of time and cannot do more than one thing at once so can't go upstairs and get shoes and a bag for example. He also struggles with concepts like putting things into piles.

My DH has realised he possibly has ADHD. Part of that is ultra hyperfocus with no concept of time. So he used to be in a lab and not realise five hours had gone by. Apparently you need this type of ADHD to be a good surgeon. One sign is that if it's something they're interested in, they can hyperfocus but can't concentrate on things that don't interest them or tasks like tidying up.

It sounds like your DS is really struggling with this. I would suggest he get "organised" the night before so he has everything he needs for school by the door. Making threats or not being supportive won't help sadly. You probably need to check he has his books and his PE kit for yourself for a while.

And discuss time targets - write a time plan for the morning about what needs to be done by what time. Or buy a timer from IKEA that works in 15 min bursts. Talk to him about ways of managing time. Use focused language reminders... Have you got your shirt on yet? Etc. Don't use vague terms like clothes or ask if he's washed and dressed yet.

The chat with your boy was a very moving up date OP. Its a long journey but so worth while. You will all get there. Wishing you all the best 😊

He has ADHD. How could you not notice?