To have lost it at DS aged 11

[FluthyFeaffers]

I have yelled at him this evening.
He is 11, soon to be 12.
Started Yr 7 in secondary school 3 weeks ago.
He is struggling so much with his (lack of) organisation in the mornings before school, I am at my wits end.
I spent the whole of year 5 and 6 battling, absolutely battling with him to get ready for school, but never succeeded. We were late every single day for 2 years.
"Eat your breakfast" gets distracted eating breakfast.
"Clean your teeth" goes upstairs to clean teeth but wanders around doing something else.
"Get dressed" goes in to bedroom to get dressed but ends up doing something else.
Etc. Etc. All through year 5 & 6.
It made us late because whilst this was going on I'm racing around trying to get myself ready for work and trying to get my other younger DC ready. Then I'd go and check on DS and he'd never ever have done what I'd sent him to do.
Nothing worked to motivate him. No reward system, no sticker chart, no amount of explaining about the repercussions of not doing as asked, no amount of explaining about the knock on effect of being late for school. I tried it all for 2 years. Nothing worked.
But because it was primary school, all that happened to him was we missed the school gate and had to go roundcto the front reception to be let in. He got a warm friendly greeting from teachers and I got a look of "Why can't you get your poor child in to school on time" and then I'd arrive late for work and get reprimanded for it.
So I spent the whole summer drilling it in to him that in Yr 7 he must must must get to school on time, because in secondary school if you're late you get a detention, because you're causing your sibling masses of stress by making them late for school every time you're late for school, because I am getting in to serious trouble at work because of arriving late every day because I drop you in late because you're not ready to leave on time, because it creates SO MUCH STRESS when you won't get ready in time to leave on time for school.
Yes yes yes yes yes mum, he said every time I brought it up over summer.
I promise, promise, promise I will change, he said.
4 weeks in to secondary school, and it is a nightmare every single morning.
He cannot, cannot get himself ready for school in time to leave.
I spell out for him every single morning what he needs to do. It's soooooo eeeeeasy. It's the same god damn things every single day! Nothing changes! Do x, y, z.
"Yes mum" wanders around.
"Have you done x, y and z?"
"No, sorry, I forgot. I'll do it now"
Wanders off.
"Why haven't you done x? Ive asked you twice now"
"Sorry"
"Do it now"
"Why haven't you done y? I've asked you 3 times"
"I'm sorry. I'll do it. I'm trying my best"
Last week he needed to take his PE bag on 1 of the says.
"Remember to take your PE bag today, it's hanging in the cupboard " I said.
"Oh yeah!!!!! PE!!!!! I forgot!!!!!! Thanks for reminding me!!!!!"
20 mins later:
"Have you got your PE bag?"
"Oh No! I forgot! I'll get it now...."
15 mins later, after non stop constant continuous marshalling to get ready, do this, do that, do this, do that:
"Right, come on, we're late again, pick up your rucksack and your PE bag we need to leave NOW"
DS hovers around putting on tie and blazer which I'd asked him to do the the past hour sling with all his other things he needs to do.
"NOW" I raise my voice, as he's making my other child late for school and me late for work.
He runs out the door, jumps in the car.
We get to school.
He turns pale and says "I've forgotten my PE bag"
"Tough" I say. " I have told you 3 times this morning to take your PE bag. I reminded you for the 3rd time right before we left home."
DS starts crying
"I will get a detention!!!!!!!!!"
His worst, absolute worst fear, is getting a detention. He's never had one, and is terrified of getting one.
"Maybe you'll learn if you get a detention " I say.
Then he starts begging and pleading with me to take him home to get his PE bag. He's crying sorry over and over again. He looks physically ill, sweating, clammy, pale.
So I drive him home to get PE bag.
My other child starts crying because now she is horribly late for school (different school) and is too young to go in by herself plus she has SEN and isn't mature enough to cope with going in by herself.
I drop him back to school. He's late. I drop DD toschool. She's late. I get 'the look' from her teachers. I drive to work. I'm late. I get disciplined by my boss.
That evening, I talk to DS for a very, very long time about the impact of his disorganisation in the mornings.
We work out that it would help him if I wrote down for him everything he needs to do in the mornings.
So I write it all out in very clear, bullet point steps. I show it to him, he thinks it's really helpful.
Great, I think.
Why didnt I think of this before.
1 week on, it's of no help at all.
This morning, he's wandering around telling me he's ready whilst simultaneously having forgotten 7 instructions in his morning list. I pointed each of the 7 things on the list out to him, staring each thing that was on the list that he hadn't done.
I told him to do them.
Went off to get other child ready to leave, I'm ready to leave, DS still not ready to leave. We were all late again.
Yesterday, he had something really important to take to school. His timetable. I askedchim SIX TIMES to put his timetable in to his rucksack (he'd got it out at home and I'd seen it in theclounge). I told him the night before, and again in the morning, 6 separate times in total "Put your timetable in to your rucksack now, otherwise you will forget" . 6 times. The 6th time was just before we left. I mean, I was getting more and more stern each time. "Put. Your. Timetable. In. To. Your. Rucksack. NOW. NOW!" We got to school. He turned pale. Panicked. "Mum I've forgotten my timetable!!!!!!!".
I point blank refused to go back and sent him in to school without it. He was really upset. Told me after school today that he'd gone to the wrong classroom at one point in the day as couldn't remember without his timetable. So I said "Go and put it in your rucksack now then, do it now".
"Ok" he says.
Dinnertime:
"Did you put your timetable in your rucksack?"
"Oh No! I got distracted! I'll do it now!"
Evening time
"Is your timetable in your rucksack?"
"No.......I forgot......."
"Go and do it immediately "
"OK...."
Bedtime, he's in bed, reading:
"Darling, is your timetable in your rucksack, did you do it?"
"No, sorry, I'm sorry mum, I forgot"
And that was that.
I lost it.
Yelled at him. For ages.
I have NEVER yelled at him before. Never.
He was devastated. So remorseful. Said sorry over and over again.
And finally, he broke my heart by sadly and quietly saying "I'm so sorry for being me. I really struggle with my short term memory mummy. I know it causes problems butvi cant help it".
He's soon to be 12.
He has not got SEN.
He's bright.
He's average at school except for maths where he's below average.
He's amazing in every other way.
He's such a good boy.
He tries so hard all of the time to do his best.
He's a clever boy.
He's a wonderful personality.
Fantastic sense of humour.
Loving.
Kind.
Affectionate.
Funny.
Friends love him.
Teachers complimentary about him.
What the hell is wrong with him in tbe mornings?????????
Am I being too hard?
Am I expecting too much????

My DS has ADD. Not hyperactive but could not focus when school became the "go from class to class format". He wasn't diagnosed until he was an adult so his later childhood and teen years were crappy for him. No one listened to me, because very few thought much about ADD on its own then (20-25 years ago). It was ADHD or nothing.

Honestly, you need to have him tested, evaluated and ask a GP about anything else that would cause short-term memory problems.

Sounds like my daughter and she’s just been diagnosed with autism so it might be worth asking the school SENDCO to investigate x

My son is 16 he has always been the same, no sen. He’s now and college and I promised myself he would have to sort himself out for college .. but I’m a soft touch so still dealing with the morning nightmares and being late for work! Hopefully one day it will be different 😂

ADHD.

Just like my eldest daughter.

Yeah... stop prepping the evening dinner at 5.30 am for a start. You have organised your mornings poorly.

You sound like a very supportive loving mum. It sounds like you should aim to head to the doctors to get referred for an ADD assessment for him. Sooner rather than later, as wait lists are long

I’ve been reading up on inattentive ADD a lot recently as I suspect it links a lot of my daughters behaviour and I had so many moments of realisation of my own personality and traits

I suspect ADHD. Is he like this going other places not just school?

I have ADHD. To be on time I get everything ready in advance. Since you drive to school pack the PE kit etc. in the boot the night before, all clothes out ready, breakfast made or prepped. All he should need to do on a morning is bathroom, brush teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast. Have cereal bars in the car in case he can’t manage breakfast. Stand next to him for the 2 minutes it should take to get dressed. Honestly life is hard with ADHD so lower your expectations of what is achievable and make a realistic plan to be on time.

Could be auditory processing disorder- not a hearing problem but the way the brain understand sounds, and will struggle with comprehension etc…

@FluthyFeaffers ive read a few more of your responses in here

As I'm sure plenty other have said ~ hyperfocus is a trait of ADHD ~ if something is of interest to us we will spend hours on it, to the detriment of other things

"Attention Deficit" is actually misleading & very much misunderstood ~ we actually have far too much attention & we have problems controlling it...

Another thing you said is about hyperactivity ~ this is part of the reason why there are so fewer girls recognised as having ADHD when compared with boys ~ because girls tend to have internal hyperactivity & less noticeable, less in your face, external hyperactivity So for example girls may be more in their head day dreaming or zoning out, they may do a lot of fidgeting, doodling, biting nails, twiddling hair, talk too much etc etc

This is not to say that there will be boys who are the same as I describe above or girls who are your classic, stereotypical hyperactive

Teachers are not taught how to recognise ADHD, it is not part of their teacher training... Only if they have a specific interest in it will they be on the ball unless it's in their faces ~ I was told this by my daughters head teacher in primary school x

Sounds very much like my son who is on the spectrum...he has Pathological Demand Avoidance and just cannot follow multiple instructions...single instructions can also go in one ear and right out the other

This sounds exactly like my son. He has ADHD and dyslexia.

Almost certain he has ADHD. My son has it. He’s also Autistic, I could have written this myself!

You’ve described adhd to a T (especially the hyper focus part). He sounds like me, I ask my partner if he wants tea or coffee, by the time I’ve gotten to the kettle I’ve forgotten his answer. Then I click the kettle on and before it’s boiled I’ll have wandered off because I’ve remembered something that in my mind I need to do that second. An hour later hubby is wondering what happened to his tea…. Or coffee, who knows. And this happens all the time. I also have a successful business that supports my family because I hyper-focussed on it for years, and I did well in school. This is all to say that adhd may not look how you think it does… look into it more, bear in mind that he may have the inattentive kind - a lot of people don’t understand the different ways it can present itself. There are loads of good instagram accounts on adhd now, that’s how I came to realise I had it. It is really embarrassing and stressful when you have it because it makes you feel stupid and often like a failure. He needs your guidance to manage it but he will be fine.♥️ What others have said is spot on, prep everything the night before. Get him used to using alarms and his calendar on his phone. He will find ways to cope but at that age he probably needs some help, but you’re setting him up with coping mechanisms that will serve him well into adulthood so it will be worth it. Good luck! I know it’s hard but you can do it ♥️

Classic ADHD - Hyperfocus is definitely a trait

I haven't read the whole thread, so please forgive any repetition. I'm a psychologist, specialise in ADHD, have ADHD and have 2 ADHD kiddos. The OP screams executive dysfunction and there is nothing inconsistent with ADHD. Hyperfocus is extremely real and often more diagnostically useful than inattention (which is harder to observe if a kid has been thoroughly driven to anxiety over forgetting things already - they mask a very attentive facade while not doing anything useful).

After a few years as a stay at home mum I was never going to be able to return to work if I couldn't get my then pre-teens out of the door independently. Here is what works at my house in the mornings:

Nobody leaves their bedroom in pyjamas. Get dressed even before going for a wee. Once being out in the house in pjs is normalised in the morning, they get stuck there.

Teeth have to be brushed right after morning wee/handwashing. If you leave it, it's a chore for later and it got skipped too often.

Alexas in every room give a constant countdown and announce the time each thing should have happened. Collaborate on this. If they want styled hair, it needs to be the thing that is happening during a certain song playing.

Lightbulbs change colour on a timer to tell you a countdown to the time you have to leave. You can't ignore the room around you slowly transitioning from daylight to green (you should be putting shoes on. What isn't done yet isn't happening) to red (you should already be at the door or out of it).

Backpacks need to be packed the evening before. This part has not been foolproof. They often don't have what they are supposed to. What they can't do is kick it down the road and make it anyone else's problem. Missing the bus is worse. If they remember half way to the bus stop, I want them to make peace with it then and get on the bus. Talk to a teacher immediately if it requires accountability/apology, but do NOT miss that bus! Often, exec. function issues create problems instinctively knowing the hierarchy of importance. You've got to spell it out. Things will get missed. Decide which things are more important than others.

With all of this, my kids leave their backpacks on the bus stop, come home with other people's shoes, generally ADHD it up all over the place. It is part of what makes them who they are along with the strong sense of justice, big hearts, fantastic resilience, and great senses of humour. Please don't let your son sit with the belief that he has to apologise for who he is. That was my whole childhood and I still ache over it.

I haven’t read all of the comments, just some of them, just wanted to add that they no longer call it ADD… it’s Predominantly Inattentive Type ADHD. I recommend a website called additude for great info, I’ll link it here: www.additudemag.com/add-adhd-symptoms-difference/

Sorry if it’s already been said… didn’t have chance to ready all responses… but Have you considered dyspraxia… it can affect memory and an ability to think forward and plan the steps of an activity… do you have an Alexa? You can programme it to set many alarms and name them…. One for each activity…

A couple things I would try if you can. Do make him get up a bit earlier and try it out for a couple of months if you can. He may need an additional half hour in the morning to actually wake up. Another thing is to sit down with him one day and have him write up a list of all the things he needs to do in the morning. Don't tell him what to write down, make him sit there and think about it and have him write it up. When he is done then you can help him with anything he has missed.
I don't know if you guys have any devices like google or alexa that can be used to add reminders with alarms for him.
A table or area that can he put all his stuff on at night if you haven't already. and trying to see what stuff can be done the night before. maybe start letting him set his clothing out and things like that.
I can barely function in the morning until I have a chance to sit and have something to drink and I get up early enough to give myself a small break in between all the things I have to do. Possibly he may need the same or similar. But nothing that he usually fixates on. It will be a process to figure out how much time he needs for each task and make sure he doesn't have too much time for each task. If it takes 4 minutes to brush teeth and clean toothbrush and clean up the mess from that, don't give him 10 minutes because that leaves time to get distracted. Maybe also have all his toiletries in their own caddy if you don't already do that. Sorry If I am repeating other people, I didn't read a ton of comments.

Another PP has mentioned dyspraxia which is massively underdiagnosed because people don't understand it. You could have written this about my son who is 10, and was diagnosed at 8 thanks to a fabulous SENCo. I didn't see it. How is he with fine motor skills? Large motor skills? Can he ride a bike? Cut food using both knife and fork at the same time? What's his handwriting like? Look into dyspraxia. Also have alexa and give yourself a break. You're dealing with a pre teen and a younger child with SEN whilst, by the sounds of it, working a full time job with a not very understanding dick of a boss. Chin up lovely xxx

Sounds like ADHD to me. Stickers, charts, threats and promises do not help kids with ADHD. I have personal experience of it with family members. Have him assessed as soon as you can. Talk to his school and get them on board.

Is ‘sounds like ADHD’ the new cancel the cheque?

Literally the first response said it’s ADHD.

After years of trying to understand what life must be like for my son with ADHD and how to help him or understand WHY he does certain things, i started following cobywattsmusic on instagram. He posts videos and explainations about him and his mum (they both have ADHD) and explains why they do what they do. Its been a revelation for both of us(DS watches them too as it makes him feel like its not only him having to deal with this), and has given me a greater understanding and alot more patience than before watching them. Might be worth taking a look at a few and seeing if it helps you both. Good luck x

I can totally hear in your post how frustrated you must be, but I really think your son has asd or adhd/add or a mix of the two.
Totally get that you lost it out of sheer frustration, but you need to get him some help and put some coping strategies in place.
My son has asd/adhd and really struggles with Executive functions.
At 16 I still have to give him instructions one at a time.
The morning routine needs to be as simple as possible. Pack as much ready the night before, have everything ready to grab and go so all he has to do is get up, wash/brush teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast, then put shoes/coat on grab bags and off you go.
We had picture lists and a what do I need each day list so he could be more independent. If you see him dithering around get him to check the nest thing to do. Visual cues work much better than aural.
It can get better, but you need to accept he needs more help than his peers at the moment.

Not really the point but you kight find it helps if packed lunches are ready the night before. Anything non fridgeable in the bag and ready.
Anything freezeable (sandwiches freeze brilliantly except for salad), frozen and into the bag as soon as you get up while the kettle boils etc. Fridge stuff the same, best thing is, if u forget the sarnies, other stuff is there.
I'm no expert but sounds like ds has needs, hope you sort it.

Could you get him to prepare his bag and pe gear the night before? Have all his clothes laid out ready for the morn. Get him involved in laying out bowls and cereal boxes for brekkie the night before too. Do all this together as a shared activity for a few weeks. The less he has to think of and organise on the morning the better for everyone! Get him to bring his clothes downstairs when he comes for breakfast and change in a downstairs room, preferably a bathroom if you have one. Less interesting, not many things to get distracted with there! Could have a 2nd toothbrush so he can do his teeth there too and reduce the need to go back upstairs. Get a copy of his timetable for school and have it displayed downstairs on fridge and in his room so he has reminders. Or a weekly calendar with a pe gear pic velco'ed on the days he has it for example and his other activities too, so there's a visual aid for his week. Maybe he can't retain the info or take in information and instructions orally, but might find it easier visually. Get him to switch the pics to organise his week and put them on the correct days. If after you've tried a few things and hes still having difficulties, then it would be worth making an appt to talk to his year head and/or teachers to explain his difficulties. There may be an explanation. He sounds like a very sweet kid. Sounds like he genuinely has trouble taking instructions in. He may have slow processing speed so less instructions and more time might help. Either way it sounds outside his control and he's not trying to drive you mad, even though it's completely understandable that it's stressful and frustrating. Best of luck. Parents need patience of saints!!