To have lost it at DS aged 11

[FluthyFeaffers]

I have yelled at him this evening.
He is 11, soon to be 12.
Started Yr 7 in secondary school 3 weeks ago.
He is struggling so much with his (lack of) organisation in the mornings before school, I am at my wits end.
I spent the whole of year 5 and 6 battling, absolutely battling with him to get ready for school, but never succeeded. We were late every single day for 2 years.
"Eat your breakfast" gets distracted eating breakfast.
"Clean your teeth" goes upstairs to clean teeth but wanders around doing something else.
"Get dressed" goes in to bedroom to get dressed but ends up doing something else.
Etc. Etc. All through year 5 & 6.
It made us late because whilst this was going on I'm racing around trying to get myself ready for work and trying to get my other younger DC ready. Then I'd go and check on DS and he'd never ever have done what I'd sent him to do.
Nothing worked to motivate him. No reward system, no sticker chart, no amount of explaining about the repercussions of not doing as asked, no amount of explaining about the knock on effect of being late for school. I tried it all for 2 years. Nothing worked.
But because it was primary school, all that happened to him was we missed the school gate and had to go roundcto the front reception to be let in. He got a warm friendly greeting from teachers and I got a look of "Why can't you get your poor child in to school on time" and then I'd arrive late for work and get reprimanded for it.
So I spent the whole summer drilling it in to him that in Yr 7 he must must must get to school on time, because in secondary school if you're late you get a detention, because you're causing your sibling masses of stress by making them late for school every time you're late for school, because I am getting in to serious trouble at work because of arriving late every day because I drop you in late because you're not ready to leave on time, because it creates SO MUCH STRESS when you won't get ready in time to leave on time for school.
Yes yes yes yes yes mum, he said every time I brought it up over summer.
I promise, promise, promise I will change, he said.
4 weeks in to secondary school, and it is a nightmare every single morning.
He cannot, cannot get himself ready for school in time to leave.
I spell out for him every single morning what he needs to do. It's soooooo eeeeeasy. It's the same god damn things every single day! Nothing changes! Do x, y, z.
"Yes mum" wanders around.
"Have you done x, y and z?"
"No, sorry, I forgot. I'll do it now"
Wanders off.
"Why haven't you done x? Ive asked you twice now"
"Sorry"
"Do it now"
"Why haven't you done y? I've asked you 3 times"
"I'm sorry. I'll do it. I'm trying my best"
Last week he needed to take his PE bag on 1 of the says.
"Remember to take your PE bag today, it's hanging in the cupboard " I said.
"Oh yeah!!!!! PE!!!!! I forgot!!!!!! Thanks for reminding me!!!!!"
20 mins later:
"Have you got your PE bag?"
"Oh No! I forgot! I'll get it now...."
15 mins later, after non stop constant continuous marshalling to get ready, do this, do that, do this, do that:
"Right, come on, we're late again, pick up your rucksack and your PE bag we need to leave NOW"
DS hovers around putting on tie and blazer which I'd asked him to do the the past hour sling with all his other things he needs to do.
"NOW" I raise my voice, as he's making my other child late for school and me late for work.
He runs out the door, jumps in the car.
We get to school.
He turns pale and says "I've forgotten my PE bag"
"Tough" I say. " I have told you 3 times this morning to take your PE bag. I reminded you for the 3rd time right before we left home."
DS starts crying
"I will get a detention!!!!!!!!!"
His worst, absolute worst fear, is getting a detention. He's never had one, and is terrified of getting one.
"Maybe you'll learn if you get a detention " I say.
Then he starts begging and pleading with me to take him home to get his PE bag. He's crying sorry over and over again. He looks physically ill, sweating, clammy, pale.
So I drive him home to get PE bag.
My other child starts crying because now she is horribly late for school (different school) and is too young to go in by herself plus she has SEN and isn't mature enough to cope with going in by herself.
I drop him back to school. He's late. I drop DD toschool. She's late. I get 'the look' from her teachers. I drive to work. I'm late. I get disciplined by my boss.
That evening, I talk to DS for a very, very long time about the impact of his disorganisation in the mornings.
We work out that it would help him if I wrote down for him everything he needs to do in the mornings.
So I write it all out in very clear, bullet point steps. I show it to him, he thinks it's really helpful.
Great, I think.
Why didnt I think of this before.
1 week on, it's of no help at all.
This morning, he's wandering around telling me he's ready whilst simultaneously having forgotten 7 instructions in his morning list. I pointed each of the 7 things on the list out to him, staring each thing that was on the list that he hadn't done.
I told him to do them.
Went off to get other child ready to leave, I'm ready to leave, DS still not ready to leave. We were all late again.
Yesterday, he had something really important to take to school. His timetable. I askedchim SIX TIMES to put his timetable in to his rucksack (he'd got it out at home and I'd seen it in theclounge). I told him the night before, and again in the morning, 6 separate times in total "Put your timetable in to your rucksack now, otherwise you will forget" . 6 times. The 6th time was just before we left. I mean, I was getting more and more stern each time. "Put. Your. Timetable. In. To. Your. Rucksack. NOW. NOW!" We got to school. He turned pale. Panicked. "Mum I've forgotten my timetable!!!!!!!".
I point blank refused to go back and sent him in to school without it. He was really upset. Told me after school today that he'd gone to the wrong classroom at one point in the day as couldn't remember without his timetable. So I said "Go and put it in your rucksack now then, do it now".
"Ok" he says.
Dinnertime:
"Did you put your timetable in your rucksack?"
"Oh No! I got distracted! I'll do it now!"
Evening time
"Is your timetable in your rucksack?"
"No.......I forgot......."
"Go and do it immediately "
"OK...."
Bedtime, he's in bed, reading:
"Darling, is your timetable in your rucksack, did you do it?"
"No, sorry, I'm sorry mum, I forgot"
And that was that.
I lost it.
Yelled at him. For ages.
I have NEVER yelled at him before. Never.
He was devastated. So remorseful. Said sorry over and over again.
And finally, he broke my heart by sadly and quietly saying "I'm so sorry for being me. I really struggle with my short term memory mummy. I know it causes problems butvi cant help it".
He's soon to be 12.
He has not got SEN.
He's bright.
He's average at school except for maths where he's below average.
He's amazing in every other way.
He's such a good boy.
He tries so hard all of the time to do his best.
He's a clever boy.
He's a wonderful personality.
Fantastic sense of humour.
Loving.
Kind.
Affectionate.
Funny.
Friends love him.
Teachers complimentary about him.
What the hell is wrong with him in tbe mornings?????????
Am I being too hard?
Am I expecting too much????

Just need to add that my DC has real problems with short term memory and it turned out she had a severe B12 deficiency. It affects memory and makes her very tired and confused. She is being treated, but even with treatment she still suffers.

Please get him checked out for ADHD my son whose now38 is like this such a short term memory The sooner you get him help and support the better

I know it’s been said but another adding ADHD jumped out from your OP

If he hasn’t been assessed, I don’t think you can assume he doesn’t have SEN.

Speak to the school and GP.

Do think these behaviours are challenging and you are human and frustrated, obviously you know already it wasn’t a helpful response to his genuine struggles with this.

Ma’am,

You really need to have your son evaluated by a professional. Being the parent of a child with ADHD (now 33], I must say your child has the classic signs. It does sound like he does not have the hyperactivity that some have, but the hyper-focus, inattention to things he is not interested in (such as certain classes in school), and forgetfulness, are all known signs that he more than likely is dealing with ADHD. For his sake and yours, please get him tested. Some people may tell you he will grow out of it, but that is a fallacy. People with ADHD never “grow” out of it. As they mature most learn how to deal with it. He will thank you in the end.

Good luck and best wishes to both you and your son.

He’s got adhd.

He sounds identical to my son who is the same age.

Give him headphones and music,
j bet he’ll focus much better

my son has coffee with his breakfast and that gets him focussed

I wake him up 15 earlier than needed to build in error time

This absolutely screams ADHD - EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING DIFFICULTY.

It took me years to realise my son is Autistic and ADHD. Don't believe half the nonsense you hear on NHS websites and often even the school. It isn't always about being hyperactive. That saying kids do well when they can is just so true. I don't believe he isn't trying hard enough. It really is so much harder for him by everything you said.

The NHS refused to assess my son btw saying not enough evidence. Couldn't believe it. So did my own research then had to pay for a thorough assessment. It's so much better for us all especially him knowing about his Neurodivergence.

No advice but I think you sound like an amazing mum doing her absolute best for a clearly very loved child 💐💐💐

@FluthyFeaffers hyper focus is definitely part of ADHD. I am a Senco and would ask the school to do a adhd screener (this is not a diagnosis) .

@FluthyFeaffers it sounds like he has ADHD inattentive type (used to be known as ADD).

My kid is 100% the same and has ADHD. Cut him some slack and ask him how he feels, I'd he struggling.

He screams ADHD or Dyspraxia to me. I have 2 SEN kids. Both ASD, Dyspraxic and one has ADHD, one dyslexic. I’ve had 20 years experience with SEN kids. Your son sounds SEN to me. He sounds exactly like both of mine. People with ADHD can hypa focus it’s a common trait. They have huge issues with working memory, short term memory too. The fact he is so easily distracted says ADHD too. I’d definitely look into it as my child is now on medication and went from failing to passing with 7-9’s in GCSE. The medication has transformed their life.

I would warn you not to listen to the school too much. Even your GP. Getting an assessment on the NHS these days like everything is a nightmare. You will likely be palmed off, told there are no issues, he isn't hyperactive so can't be. If he's possibly Autistic you'd even get told he can't be as he has friends. Trust your own instinct and do your own research!
I was stood alone against everyone saying FFS someone help support this assessment!! No one did. The SENCO was horrendous and almost blocked it. They don't want the resources it takes to support used up if the pupil is doing ok.
Trust yourself and definitely take note of all the suggestions from parents with similar issues.
Good luck with it all.

He sounds like he's ADD which is adhd without the hyperactive, definitely 100% a thing and hyperficusing is a classic symptom there's loads of reels on Facebook that are so interesting pointing out symptoms that you wouldn't consider. Unfortunately the waiting list os 18-24 months, get in touch with the schools senco and ask for a referral.

I was and still am exactly the same as your son. I'm 32 now with severe ADHD of the inattentive subtype. I will never work or live independently as my executive functioning is so bad. My mum does everything for me.

It is a problem with the brain, and you can't train him out of it. His best hope is that he responds to and tolerates ADHD medication, though this won't improve his executive functioning, it will just make him more able to focus during the time his medication is in effect.

I'm sorry OP, I haven't read the whole thread yet but I felt the need to respond to you. This was exactly my life once upon a time. It is hugely frustrating, especially if you are a well-organised person yourself. It's also a big addition to the mental load to constantly man mark them. I know a lot of people have mentioned ADHD - rightly so. But please also consider Dyspraxia. 3 out of 4 DS's here with it and 2 of those 3 were like this in the morning. There are some other flags that go with that, such as poor handwriting, not so great at team sports, struggles riding a bike. But they don't all have to apply. Picture/image lists (in multiple locations) worked better for the worst one of mine in the mornings if any help. Also, just because school don't pick up on something, doesn't mean it's not there. Teachers aren't trained to spot all of this. A lot can go under the radar, especially if they are bright and doing well academically.

This is just like my daughter, now Y8. She has a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. Main stream school, great at English, spelling etc, has to be made to knuckle down to other subjects as she will "forget" to do EVERYTHING! We have a countdown timer which helps with focus (a bit ) "set your timer for 10 minutes, by which time you need to be dressed". It's visual, she can see the time she has shrinking by the colour on the dial. (She can tell the time, btw, but seems to have no concept of the passage of time - to her, having 15 minutes to complete a task, or an hour , "feels" the same.) She also has an Alexa in her room, which she uses (when instructed) to set alarms and reminders, and which I can use from another room to gee her up! Her hyper-focus is music (she sings A LOT, loudly!) so another thing that works is to get her to play a favourite song on Alexa, and to have to have done X by time the song finishes!

The advantage of having a "label" from diagnosis, is that the school staff know what she needs, and can make (small, in her case) adjustments for her. Get him some help - there's no stigma, and there IS help out there.

This sounds EXACTLY like my 14 year old daughter. Exactly and I really feel your pain. She was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago. It’s no less frustrating but at least we know why now. It makes me want to peel my own skin off saying the same thing over and over again and it achieve nothing but it’s not her fault. Which again doesn’t stop it being stab myself in the eyes frustrating.

I have adhd, so do both of my children - this screams adhd. I would say quite severe too as my mornings aren’t as bad as that

i have the same sorry story

I would also like to say that you sound like a wonderful mum. For me mornings were the hardest. I think people with neurotypical children massively underestimate how hard it is for parents with SEN children. Children are hard enough work as it is but add SEN and it’s so much harder.
I am so envious of my friends that have children that organise themselves for the day. Ones that make their own lunch and can get dressed completely unaided. Who can make their own breakfast and be organised. It sounds like bliss. Having SEN kids is like never leaving the toddler years. It’s very difficult. So I applaud you as you are clearly doing a fantastic job.
Please don’t beat yourself up for not recognising your son may have SEN. You aren’t trained in SEN so why would you know what to look for? I am trained and it still took me a while to see the ADHD in one child as they presented so differently, it was the psychologist who was assessing them for ASD that noticed it.
If I, someone with, at that point, 15 years of experience in SEN missed it then it’s no surprise you didn’t pick it up.
I hope you can get him seen soon and your daughter gets better support at school. X

No concept of passage of time/what will fit in is classic AD(H)D too though. Just as much as hyperfocus.

Good luck OP. Your description of wiping the misty window was truly heartwarming. At the same the, 'the fear' is a great motivator for us ADHDers, so perhaps allowing a couple of detentions to land is actually a good idea. It's not the end of the world, but it does put a bit of accountability & motivation back in his court!

This sounds like adhd to me. My daughter is successful at school but her organisation is terrible. Shouting does not work, at all. Well, does it for any of us?
Routine, calm, all moves it along. Remember, adhd needs dopamine. It can be as simple as cracking a joke or laughing at their bad one. A cuddle or playing songs, maybe a boogie.
Don’t hate me but might you all need to get up a bit earlier too?
Asking 6 times sounds extreme and a bit scatty. So I would reframe and say, ‘you’ll need this won’t you? Pop it into your bag right now so it’s done.’
Maybe your son doesn’t have adhd but the above will still help.

Lots of replies urging you to seek diagnosis for your DS, but @Nowdontmakeamess post is really important, you need to look at a family -wide approach.

ADHD

Omg this is me and my son. It's ADHD. We aren't even diagnosed but I can tell you it's awful..like having brain fog with a goldfish memory. Also look up pathological demand avoidance...