To have lost it at DS aged 11

[FluthyFeaffers]

I have yelled at him this evening.
He is 11, soon to be 12.
Started Yr 7 in secondary school 3 weeks ago.
He is struggling so much with his (lack of) organisation in the mornings before school, I am at my wits end.
I spent the whole of year 5 and 6 battling, absolutely battling with him to get ready for school, but never succeeded. We were late every single day for 2 years.
"Eat your breakfast" gets distracted eating breakfast.
"Clean your teeth" goes upstairs to clean teeth but wanders around doing something else.
"Get dressed" goes in to bedroom to get dressed but ends up doing something else.
Etc. Etc. All through year 5 & 6.
It made us late because whilst this was going on I'm racing around trying to get myself ready for work and trying to get my other younger DC ready. Then I'd go and check on DS and he'd never ever have done what I'd sent him to do.
Nothing worked to motivate him. No reward system, no sticker chart, no amount of explaining about the repercussions of not doing as asked, no amount of explaining about the knock on effect of being late for school. I tried it all for 2 years. Nothing worked.
But because it was primary school, all that happened to him was we missed the school gate and had to go roundcto the front reception to be let in. He got a warm friendly greeting from teachers and I got a look of "Why can't you get your poor child in to school on time" and then I'd arrive late for work and get reprimanded for it.
So I spent the whole summer drilling it in to him that in Yr 7 he must must must get to school on time, because in secondary school if you're late you get a detention, because you're causing your sibling masses of stress by making them late for school every time you're late for school, because I am getting in to serious trouble at work because of arriving late every day because I drop you in late because you're not ready to leave on time, because it creates SO MUCH STRESS when you won't get ready in time to leave on time for school.
Yes yes yes yes yes mum, he said every time I brought it up over summer.
I promise, promise, promise I will change, he said.
4 weeks in to secondary school, and it is a nightmare every single morning.
He cannot, cannot get himself ready for school in time to leave.
I spell out for him every single morning what he needs to do. It's soooooo eeeeeasy. It's the same god damn things every single day! Nothing changes! Do x, y, z.
"Yes mum" wanders around.
"Have you done x, y and z?"
"No, sorry, I forgot. I'll do it now"
Wanders off.
"Why haven't you done x? Ive asked you twice now"
"Sorry"
"Do it now"
"Why haven't you done y? I've asked you 3 times"
"I'm sorry. I'll do it. I'm trying my best"
Last week he needed to take his PE bag on 1 of the says.
"Remember to take your PE bag today, it's hanging in the cupboard " I said.
"Oh yeah!!!!! PE!!!!! I forgot!!!!!! Thanks for reminding me!!!!!"
20 mins later:
"Have you got your PE bag?"
"Oh No! I forgot! I'll get it now...."
15 mins later, after non stop constant continuous marshalling to get ready, do this, do that, do this, do that:
"Right, come on, we're late again, pick up your rucksack and your PE bag we need to leave NOW"
DS hovers around putting on tie and blazer which I'd asked him to do the the past hour sling with all his other things he needs to do.
"NOW" I raise my voice, as he's making my other child late for school and me late for work.
He runs out the door, jumps in the car.
We get to school.
He turns pale and says "I've forgotten my PE bag"
"Tough" I say. " I have told you 3 times this morning to take your PE bag. I reminded you for the 3rd time right before we left home."
DS starts crying
"I will get a detention!!!!!!!!!"
His worst, absolute worst fear, is getting a detention. He's never had one, and is terrified of getting one.
"Maybe you'll learn if you get a detention " I say.
Then he starts begging and pleading with me to take him home to get his PE bag. He's crying sorry over and over again. He looks physically ill, sweating, clammy, pale.
So I drive him home to get PE bag.
My other child starts crying because now she is horribly late for school (different school) and is too young to go in by herself plus she has SEN and isn't mature enough to cope with going in by herself.
I drop him back to school. He's late. I drop DD toschool. She's late. I get 'the look' from her teachers. I drive to work. I'm late. I get disciplined by my boss.
That evening, I talk to DS for a very, very long time about the impact of his disorganisation in the mornings.
We work out that it would help him if I wrote down for him everything he needs to do in the mornings.
So I write it all out in very clear, bullet point steps. I show it to him, he thinks it's really helpful.
Great, I think.
Why didnt I think of this before.
1 week on, it's of no help at all.
This morning, he's wandering around telling me he's ready whilst simultaneously having forgotten 7 instructions in his morning list. I pointed each of the 7 things on the list out to him, staring each thing that was on the list that he hadn't done.
I told him to do them.
Went off to get other child ready to leave, I'm ready to leave, DS still not ready to leave. We were all late again.
Yesterday, he had something really important to take to school. His timetable. I askedchim SIX TIMES to put his timetable in to his rucksack (he'd got it out at home and I'd seen it in theclounge). I told him the night before, and again in the morning, 6 separate times in total "Put your timetable in to your rucksack now, otherwise you will forget" . 6 times. The 6th time was just before we left. I mean, I was getting more and more stern each time. "Put. Your. Timetable. In. To. Your. Rucksack. NOW. NOW!" We got to school. He turned pale. Panicked. "Mum I've forgotten my timetable!!!!!!!".
I point blank refused to go back and sent him in to school without it. He was really upset. Told me after school today that he'd gone to the wrong classroom at one point in the day as couldn't remember without his timetable. So I said "Go and put it in your rucksack now then, do it now".
"Ok" he says.
Dinnertime:
"Did you put your timetable in your rucksack?"
"Oh No! I got distracted! I'll do it now!"
Evening time
"Is your timetable in your rucksack?"
"No.......I forgot......."
"Go and do it immediately "
"OK...."
Bedtime, he's in bed, reading:
"Darling, is your timetable in your rucksack, did you do it?"
"No, sorry, I'm sorry mum, I forgot"
And that was that.
I lost it.
Yelled at him. For ages.
I have NEVER yelled at him before. Never.
He was devastated. So remorseful. Said sorry over and over again.
And finally, he broke my heart by sadly and quietly saying "I'm so sorry for being me. I really struggle with my short term memory mummy. I know it causes problems butvi cant help it".
He's soon to be 12.
He has not got SEN.
He's bright.
He's average at school except for maths where he's below average.
He's amazing in every other way.
He's such a good boy.
He tries so hard all of the time to do his best.
He's a clever boy.
He's a wonderful personality.
Fantastic sense of humour.
Loving.
Kind.
Affectionate.
Funny.
Friends love him.
Teachers complimentary about him.
What the hell is wrong with him in tbe mornings?????????
Am I being too hard?
Am I expecting too much????

You need to get him checked for ADHD. My son has it and it is exactly the same. I only got a diagnosis when he was 15 and I regret not doing it sooner. He drove me insane for years! It’s like speaking to a brick wall. He’s much better now.

Hi
teenage / high school years are super stressful and a massive step up from primary school. My eldest is 21 so have been through it. 🤪

So my son is clever, bright but massively disorganised, oversleeps, forget everything. They never suspected SEN but he has now been diagnosed with Dyspraxia and suspected ADD
Not saying that your child has SEN but how you’re describing him sounds very familiar, but it could just be how they are! Not everyone is organised etc.

Part of my work is screening kids for ADHD and being able to focus on something they are interested in does not in any way rule out ADHD.

As someone with ADHD you sound like you are describing my childhood

i would read up on it, and see if you think it fits your sons behaviour and look into an assessment for him.

Am sorry, I haven't read the whole thread. My son is dyslexic ( diagnosed) but I suspect also ADHD. He's not hyper physically but has all the other traits.

My son is useless in the mornings. I love him dearly and he's a wonderful human so I just use the path of least resistance. He will either learn to do all the stuff himself that he needs to, to become independent in time or he won't. But I can't be bothered to spend my life having the mornings you have so instead I lay his clothes on his bed and he gets woken up with a bowl of cereal. So by the time he leaves his room he is dressed and fed on the way downstairs he brushes his teeth, this shoes are at the bottom of the stairs and his bag next to the door which I pack. It all happens in half an hournand he's out of the door. No scope to wander around and get distracted. He has to do enough to cope at school so I at least make home easier for both of us. I'm sure I will get flamed but who cares. He might improve as he gets older but his strengths lay in other areas. Good luck.

You are describing my daughter. Diagnosed with dyslexia (she can read extremely well!) and dyspraxia. We're on the waiting list for ADHD too. She ticks a lot of boxes.

One word instructions. Eg. Coat. Wait for him to complete the task.

An egg timer. Eg - set 5 minutes- Pack your bag. Stay with him whilst he does this.

A visual timetable might help rather than a list.

Perhaps a whiteboard in his room.
It's all trial and error- and lots of scaffolding to help him succeed.

My 14yo needs a ton of support to be organised and still hasn't nailed it. My 12yo is a bags packed, always ready child who is very anxious and hates being late.

There's lots of frustration for everyone so be kind to yourselves.

Another one voting for undiagnosed ad(h)d. This was my daughter exactly. Diagnosed at 16.

Hyperfocus absolutely is a feature of ADHD. You might wait a long time for a medical assessment so as a mental health professional I would highly recommend putting in place some practical coping strategies to deal with the issues at hand (regardlesss of the cause). This could include reading up on executive functioning and helping him prepare the night before or just asking him to do one task at a time. Its more common in boys than girls but girls mask it well. My daughter has traits and needs ths approach. Shes always really forgetful but is academically really bright.

My 12 year old is exactly the same, but we had him assessed by the ed psych (suspecting adhd) and they said he had Working Memory issues. Has problems retaining info unless it’s drummed in repeatedly.
The best thing I have found is a list that he ticks off, works wonders and he gets a dopamine hit when he’s finished 😂. Sorry if anyone else has suggested this, have to make dinner and can’t read through 26 pages of responses, but thought I’d add in case it helps anyone x

Your son sounds exactly like my son. Same issues every single morning. Very clever. Hyper focused on stuff he's interested in. He sounds like my son 100%. Secondary school, by year 9 realised that something was up with my son regarding his short term memory, etc. So they got him referred to have assessments, etc. He's ended up being diagnosed with High Functioning Autism, after 3 years of appointments assessments etc.
Maybe it's worth speaking to the school to see what they've noticed and explain the difficulties you've had and see what they suggest.

My first thought too!

My son was exactly like this. He was eventually diagnosed with dyspraxia. He was also diagnosed with dyscalculia aswell. He still struggles with some organisational skills despite having a degree and a job - still prone to losing stuff, leaving things to the last minute.

Sounds just like my godson, who has dyspraxia.

Sound like me I have dlscia dpicia and dlsclua probably spelt those conditions wrong
I'm never late my mother was obsessed with time keeping so that did rub off but my short term memory has always been very poor most days I lose or forget something .
When people first meet me they get cross and frustrated but most people are usually very understanding once they get to know me and see my strength I do have coping system ,but I was the generation they didn't get support, and it has caused me a lot off stress it does sound like your son has a Sen and it will be very frustrating for him I have found when people get cross with me I actually lose and forget more.
I hope things get easier for your son

I would say this is almost certainly ADHD, I am an LSA at a secondary school and have a son going through the referral process for ADHD. Please check the symptoms on the NHS website, it’s not always just the hyperactivity that most people think of when they think of ADHD. If he has ADHD then your DS really can’t help his forgetfulness/disorganisation. His brain just doesn’t work in the same way as someone without ADHD.
These are things I do to help myself/son in the morning.

• Routine. Get him up at the same time every morning, make it earlier to allow plenty of time if you can
• No TV or devices until they are ready, dressed, breakfast, teeth cleaned, shoes on, literally ready to walk out of the door. My son can then watch TV for a bit but he has to be ready before he does.
• my son gets dressed immediately after getting up (baths the night before), comes down for breakfast (he needs to be fully dressed), he then does his hair, teeth then shoes. It’s the same everyday, he knows the routine. *encourage him to pack his bag the night before, timetables, books etc.
• leave the packed bags literally by the door so you nearly fall over it on way out, included anything extra like PE bag directly next to it. I sometimes tie the handles together of school bag and PE bag
• I sometimes put all the bags in the car well before we leave to avoid forgetting anything
• I get up earlier than the kids so I am ready before them so we are not all rushing around at the same time. I can then focus on making sure the children are ready. I know it’s not very appealing but just half and hour earlier makes all the difference
• Do as much as you possibly can the night before and get DS to do then same
• encourage him to do the same thing every morning, routine, routine, routine. He may then be able to achieve this with little input from you Good luck xx

Poor love this was my boy. Gorgeous but he drove me to distraction. I helped all of the way through Year 7 as he could not manage. Year 8 I stepped back and half helped him. Reminded him, checked everything with him helped with homework. Now it's year 9 and I remind but don't help. It's now his responsibility. I feel like I am training him for Years 10 and 11.

Help him through Year 7 - it's a huge transition for some and they need the support.

As a side, my boy has a sensory processing disorder. They have also gone through ADD/autism checks and think it all stems from sensory issues. The distraction was huge. Talk to school - if they are good, they will help you both. Good luck.x

The post before mine is good advice and exactly what I used to do. Routine and prep the night before.

OP my son is very much like this, very distracted but can hyper-focus. We’d find him on his bedroom floor with one leg in his trousers because half way through putting them on he’d start reading a book and forget what he was doing. In the first year of secondary school he was constantly in lost property looking for his stuff (my top tip, make friends with the admin staff!). He does have SEN and we just accept his brain works a bit differently. He’s a smart kid but it does drive you mad! I have also got frustrated.

First though, I think you are doing far too much in the mornings. Couldn’t some of it wait until after school? This is my morning (3 DCs)
I get up at 6am we leave at 8am and there’s no way I would be putting on a wash and doing lessons and cooking in the mornings, no wonder you are stressed. Can some of that be done at weekends / evenings?

For now I think you are going to have to do more for him. There is SO much to learn when starting secondary school. All the new people, new buildings, new rules. There is going to be a huge amount going on inside his head that you aren’t aware of. He may not even be able to articulate this.

Instead of running back and forth between the 2 DCs, could you focus on one at a time? Get DD ready and focus on her. Then once she is all ready, give her a book or she watches tv and then you go focus on getting DS ready, stay with him until he is all done. 10 minutes of your focused time would be better than 1 hour of shouting reminders.

I do think you should speak to the SENCO at school about your concerns, but also you and your DS need to find ways to manage in the meantime. I think all the reading you have been doing is great and will hopefully give you a different perspective and some ideas. Good luck!

He sounds exactly like my 6 year old grandson. He's waiting on an assessment for ADHD. I would definitely be beginning the process to see if he is SEN.

Sorry to hear you're under so much stress OP. I agree with others that this is probably ADHD.

Sounds like my daughter who has ADHD (diagnosed at 16 when it became more apparent that her chaos was not deliberate 😬)

It’s really surprising that with a child also diagnosed with SEN you never considered your son might have some kind additional needs as well. There is a very strong genetic basis for autism, adhd (including inattentive adhd etc). You should also consider yourself and their father. A diagnosis can bring understanding, patience and empathy as well as opening up a whole range of strategies and adjustments that can make everyone’s lives easier and more enjoyable.

I would say start letting him feel the natural consequences. He might be forced to learn, even if it is the hard way, and you might not have to get to such a high level of stress. Put the responsibility of himself on him. He is absolutely old enough.
So, when everyone is waking up, you could say, "It is [time] now. You have [span of time] to get ready. We will be leaving at [time] whether all these things are done or not." You could set a timer every half hour just as a reminder, but I wouldn't continuously tell him what he needs to do, even if that results in a natural consequence for him (i.e. going to school without teeth brushed, getting a detention, etc.).
I would also encourage him to prep things the night before. He could have clothes laid out, bag(s) packed and set by the door, etc. You could write a list of morning tasks together that could be hung up in his bedroom. Just small tools that might encourage a bit more independence without leaving him with nothing.
Good luck!
I only have a 2 and 4 year old, both boys (but I had many cousins and siblings growing up) and even 4 is such a challenging age, so I feel this. ♡

This could have been me posting about my DD before her ADHD diagnosis. You have my empathy, it's so tough :0(

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread, but I have read enough to see that many people have referred ADHD. Just wanted to add that your DS sounds so like my DS (year 6) who is dyspraxic and has also been referred for an ADD assessment (a subset of ADHD). There is a lot of overlap between these things. May be worth looking into dyspraxia too (I’m sure others have mentioned this already). His primary school told us all through that there was no SEN as dyspraxia is not very well understood. I hope you get somewhere with this and that secondary school goes really well for him.