To have lost it at DS aged 11

[FluthyFeaffers]

I have yelled at him this evening.
He is 11, soon to be 12.
Started Yr 7 in secondary school 3 weeks ago.
He is struggling so much with his (lack of) organisation in the mornings before school, I am at my wits end.
I spent the whole of year 5 and 6 battling, absolutely battling with him to get ready for school, but never succeeded. We were late every single day for 2 years.
"Eat your breakfast" gets distracted eating breakfast.
"Clean your teeth" goes upstairs to clean teeth but wanders around doing something else.
"Get dressed" goes in to bedroom to get dressed but ends up doing something else.
Etc. Etc. All through year 5 & 6.
It made us late because whilst this was going on I'm racing around trying to get myself ready for work and trying to get my other younger DC ready. Then I'd go and check on DS and he'd never ever have done what I'd sent him to do.
Nothing worked to motivate him. No reward system, no sticker chart, no amount of explaining about the repercussions of not doing as asked, no amount of explaining about the knock on effect of being late for school. I tried it all for 2 years. Nothing worked.
But because it was primary school, all that happened to him was we missed the school gate and had to go roundcto the front reception to be let in. He got a warm friendly greeting from teachers and I got a look of "Why can't you get your poor child in to school on time" and then I'd arrive late for work and get reprimanded for it.
So I spent the whole summer drilling it in to him that in Yr 7 he must must must get to school on time, because in secondary school if you're late you get a detention, because you're causing your sibling masses of stress by making them late for school every time you're late for school, because I am getting in to serious trouble at work because of arriving late every day because I drop you in late because you're not ready to leave on time, because it creates SO MUCH STRESS when you won't get ready in time to leave on time for school.
Yes yes yes yes yes mum, he said every time I brought it up over summer.
I promise, promise, promise I will change, he said.
4 weeks in to secondary school, and it is a nightmare every single morning.
He cannot, cannot get himself ready for school in time to leave.
I spell out for him every single morning what he needs to do. It's soooooo eeeeeasy. It's the same god damn things every single day! Nothing changes! Do x, y, z.
"Yes mum" wanders around.
"Have you done x, y and z?"
"No, sorry, I forgot. I'll do it now"
Wanders off.
"Why haven't you done x? Ive asked you twice now"
"Sorry"
"Do it now"
"Why haven't you done y? I've asked you 3 times"
"I'm sorry. I'll do it. I'm trying my best"
Last week he needed to take his PE bag on 1 of the says.
"Remember to take your PE bag today, it's hanging in the cupboard " I said.
"Oh yeah!!!!! PE!!!!! I forgot!!!!!! Thanks for reminding me!!!!!"
20 mins later:
"Have you got your PE bag?"
"Oh No! I forgot! I'll get it now...."
15 mins later, after non stop constant continuous marshalling to get ready, do this, do that, do this, do that:
"Right, come on, we're late again, pick up your rucksack and your PE bag we need to leave NOW"
DS hovers around putting on tie and blazer which I'd asked him to do the the past hour sling with all his other things he needs to do.
"NOW" I raise my voice, as he's making my other child late for school and me late for work.
He runs out the door, jumps in the car.
We get to school.
He turns pale and says "I've forgotten my PE bag"
"Tough" I say. " I have told you 3 times this morning to take your PE bag. I reminded you for the 3rd time right before we left home."
DS starts crying
"I will get a detention!!!!!!!!!"
His worst, absolute worst fear, is getting a detention. He's never had one, and is terrified of getting one.
"Maybe you'll learn if you get a detention " I say.
Then he starts begging and pleading with me to take him home to get his PE bag. He's crying sorry over and over again. He looks physically ill, sweating, clammy, pale.
So I drive him home to get PE bag.
My other child starts crying because now she is horribly late for school (different school) and is too young to go in by herself plus she has SEN and isn't mature enough to cope with going in by herself.
I drop him back to school. He's late. I drop DD toschool. She's late. I get 'the look' from her teachers. I drive to work. I'm late. I get disciplined by my boss.
That evening, I talk to DS for a very, very long time about the impact of his disorganisation in the mornings.
We work out that it would help him if I wrote down for him everything he needs to do in the mornings.
So I write it all out in very clear, bullet point steps. I show it to him, he thinks it's really helpful.
Great, I think.
Why didnt I think of this before.
1 week on, it's of no help at all.
This morning, he's wandering around telling me he's ready whilst simultaneously having forgotten 7 instructions in his morning list. I pointed each of the 7 things on the list out to him, staring each thing that was on the list that he hadn't done.
I told him to do them.
Went off to get other child ready to leave, I'm ready to leave, DS still not ready to leave. We were all late again.
Yesterday, he had something really important to take to school. His timetable. I askedchim SIX TIMES to put his timetable in to his rucksack (he'd got it out at home and I'd seen it in theclounge). I told him the night before, and again in the morning, 6 separate times in total "Put your timetable in to your rucksack now, otherwise you will forget" . 6 times. The 6th time was just before we left. I mean, I was getting more and more stern each time. "Put. Your. Timetable. In. To. Your. Rucksack. NOW. NOW!" We got to school. He turned pale. Panicked. "Mum I've forgotten my timetable!!!!!!!".
I point blank refused to go back and sent him in to school without it. He was really upset. Told me after school today that he'd gone to the wrong classroom at one point in the day as couldn't remember without his timetable. So I said "Go and put it in your rucksack now then, do it now".
"Ok" he says.
Dinnertime:
"Did you put your timetable in your rucksack?"
"Oh No! I got distracted! I'll do it now!"
Evening time
"Is your timetable in your rucksack?"
"No.......I forgot......."
"Go and do it immediately "
"OK...."
Bedtime, he's in bed, reading:
"Darling, is your timetable in your rucksack, did you do it?"
"No, sorry, I'm sorry mum, I forgot"
And that was that.
I lost it.
Yelled at him. For ages.
I have NEVER yelled at him before. Never.
He was devastated. So remorseful. Said sorry over and over again.
And finally, he broke my heart by sadly and quietly saying "I'm so sorry for being me. I really struggle with my short term memory mummy. I know it causes problems butvi cant help it".
He's soon to be 12.
He has not got SEN.
He's bright.
He's average at school except for maths where he's below average.
He's amazing in every other way.
He's such a good boy.
He tries so hard all of the time to do his best.
He's a clever boy.
He's a wonderful personality.
Fantastic sense of humour.
Loving.
Kind.
Affectionate.
Funny.
Friends love him.
Teachers complimentary about him.
What the hell is wrong with him in tbe mornings?????????
Am I being too hard?
Am I expecting too much????

Being an ADHDer myself, this absolutely SCREAMS ADHD. Please, I absolutely BEG you to get him an ADHD assessment. Mine was overlooked as a child am I ended up with borderline personality disorder & cptsd due to the emotional neglect by my parents and them constantly telling me that I’m lazy, I don’t listen, I’m too forgetful and everything else. Your ‘drilling into him’ is probably ruining him his self-esteem.

Poor boy, my heart goes out to him but also to you as I understand the frustration. He needs help and as ADHD can take many months to get a diagnosis [unless you pay for private] then the system to try, which I found improved matters, is to split activities into 2 - what can be done the evening before and what can only be done in the morning. Don't use written lists, use images and on a big sheet on the wall. For the night before fit it around other activities e.g. you can watch x on TV once you have done a. Do a checklist for what needs to be in the school bag, again visual. Sit with him and do the checking calmly, it takes 3-4 weeks for it to build into a 'habit' i.e. less reliant on working 'immediate' memory. For the morning focus on the minimum, if he is dressed and has his bag he is ready to go. He can have a travel toothbrush kit in his bag to use at school if he has forgotten his teeth, have a car bag with some food if he hasn't eaten breakfast. Also very important is what he is doing with his time instead of preparing, what distracts him - tv, phone, gaming, laptop etc - keep all of those out of the way and off until he is ready to go. Most important of all is to take a deep breath and start again, calmly, as all the anxiety and agitation affects the working memory massively and just makes it worse. For the first 3-4 weeks you and he may need to get up half an hour earlier. I don't like to sound like a preacher, I just hope my own experience helps until you can get the professionals involved.

yes this is consistent with ADHD. A friend's daughter has these issues. This may be helpful https://childmind.org/article/child-has-executive-function-issues/#:~:text=Kids%20who%20are%20distracted%20by,struggle%20in%20school%20as%20well.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0885201420301593

The school may be able to assist with an assessment. It may not be ADHD or ADD but only an expert will be able to tell. In the meantime, google may help come up with strategies to help. It doesnt sound as if your child is deliberately doing this but I appreciate it must be extremely difficult for your. My friend's child is in final year now and every school morning has been as you describe. Best of luck

Adhd.
Be kind to him. Learn about it. Watch YouTube channel Jessica mcabe how to adhd.

His brain (if adhd) is structured different to a typical time brain.

Adhd =

• lack of ability to tell time passing
• executive disfunction
• the brain is less able to filter out distrations, so ie going to fetch something from his room he's more likely to see something that distracts him along the way
• rejection sensitivity dysphoria
• potential sleep problems (link with delay melatonin onset)
• hyperactivity can be internalised just as much as externalised. Ie lots of thoughts.

He probably is trying really hard!
You need to be kind and work with him!
And see a gp, get a referral.

I've never felt the need to respond more to a comment than this.
This is my son (and myself) 100%. Hyperfocus on tasks he finds of interest, hyperlexia, kind, strong sense of justice, emotional, highly intelligent but completely unable to remember instructions no matter how hard he tries.
he has been diagnosed with ADHD.
ADHD is NOT just boys running round causing havoc. Many learn to mask to 'fit in'.
please don't beat yourself up for getting frustrated, you're human. But please please consider speaking to a professional to get the advice and support you and your son need.
Thinking of you.

I have ADHD and I have switched off half way through your post. There are a lot of words!

Get a chore chart from Amazon. You have to shut the shutter when each step is completed.

In half term, have 1-2 practice days minus the stress of doing it on the actual day. First day you do it with him, if he wants.

To be honest the bag should be ready the night before so that should be a list.

1. Bag check list
2. Getting ready morning routine list

I would carry on checking it's done, so he doesn't cheat and shut them without doing it. Eventually it will stick.

I am a fully grown adult and I have lists for the above!

Bless you. It’s hard and I’ve read your updates OP.

I basically did as much as possible for my DS for school for the first half term. All he had to do was get dressed, eat and brush teeth. Everything ready the night before with him.

that’s because I suspected he had attention issues and would forget or get confused if I kept barking instructions at him.

Now he’s nearly 14, and he’s so so much better. Very independent, needs just a bit of nudge to get up but he sorts himself out albeit he’s very last minute. I let that go because he is never late for school.

my dd is now in year 7, and again, I help her get ready, remind her what to do. We have a shelf in her room where all school stuff lives so she can do it without thinking. If you can put things in the same place then it reduces stress.

all the best OP.

*threatmatrix

By reminding him you are enabling him. When it’s time for you to leave, you leave whether he’s ready or not. Put him in the car even if he’s not ready. Believe me it works. I dragged mine in in his pyjamas, he was soon dressed the next day*

Another NT response to what could be a ND issue. The fact it worked on your child just confirms they are more than likely NT
Might also work when they are shorter than you but my ds was taller than me at 12 years old

This is totally my DD. In the morning I give her one instruction at a time and make her talk it out loud until she has done it. I get her to prep her bag and uniform the night before. I get up early so I’m ready to focus on getting her ready I’m the morning. It’s a drainer. I think my daughter is also ADHD. I kept mentioning it at primary but as she’s a well behaved girl, it’s not on their radar. My daughter has been in year 7 for three weeks now and has already lost her tie and two PE kits. I’m going to ask the school if they can assess for ADHD. I can’t believe you’ve never shouted at him until now- you must have the patience of a saint. I loose my sh** all the time! Obviously makes zero difference !

I have no good advice, but just wanted to say you have literally just described my son to an absolute tee! Even down to the words of the conversations you are having! The fact that he is amazing in every other way! My son is almost 16 and now in year 11. They must be clones! Thank god mine is only at school until May! Sorry, I know that is of no help to you at all, but just wanted to sympathise 🥰

My son was not diagnosed with adhd till he was in his 40s despite me arguing with teachers. He has obviously got a problem and I'm afraid no matter how much it inconveniences you your going to have to take control. YOU will have to sort out what he needs for the next day and put in the car the night before, that stops the need for returns home. YOU need to ensure he is dressed before he has his breakfast that may help rather than letting him spend time over his food. Perhaps breakfast bars he can eat in car, not perfect but will help. Most importantly you need to get him to a doctor ASAP. The poor child is struggling.

Oh and I also lose my shit on a weekly basis! Then followed by some softer words in the car just trying to explain why it's so frustrating for me and DD in the mornings 🤦🏻‍♀️

My son is smart bright and articulate. Also very dyslexic and has ADD ( not the hyperactive ADHD) just straightforward attention deficit disorder. I've had exactly the same conversations with him all his life.
A private clinical psychologist can carry out the testing, ask around, ask the SENCO. Even his form teacher and other teachers will have noticed his inability to organise himself and his possessions.
The Clinical Psychologist is not cheap, but once diagnosed the school may have to make adjustments for him. However, it wont change how your son is, until he learns to use the tools you are working with. You must not 'do it for him'- that's the easy way to scoot round and collect all his stuff and put it on the from of his wardrobe every night for the next morning.
The checklist works, but you need to be with him to with him to keep him on track using it until this becomes a habit for him. Expecting him to get on with it when you ask him, you've already said isnt working.
Every night dedicate that time to being there when he's doing his checklist. It will be a bit like he's the pinball in a pinball machine and your are the flippers, pinging him back on track when he goes distracted. No wifi or TV or phone in his room to add to the distraction. My son now uses a timer on his phone to remind him he has a job to finish. It keeps going off until he dies it.
At least then in the morning he is sorted the night before, so you only have your other child to sort.
Do you have a partner to help you share some of the stress of school mornings ? II've been there. Son is now 20, has lists and other skills to self organise, but took many many years to establish these behaviours.

He sounds like my son. Super disorganised but could hyper focus on a subject of his interest. He was diagnosed with adhd and autism.

I think your lovely child needs to be reassessed. My son has issues, I paid privately to get him assessed, he couldn't remember 3 things when going up to bed and always said couldn't remember. Apologise to your son and please please get him tested.

You've just described mornings with my ADHD son...

Hyperfocus is a massive symptom of adhd. Your son clearly has it. You have been unreasonable and need to rectify it. Poor lad

He’s probably got ADHD.
I have and at least 2 of my children have and what you’re describing is a serious executive functioning problem. You need to find ways of supporting him. It sounds like his self esteem is at rock bottom.

He definitely sounds Neurodiverse, especially if you have another SEN child it could be genetic. Sometimes it doesn't show until they are older.

I think you're going to have to pack his bag for him the night before, put something in the fridge like overnight oats, or a diced bowl of fruit for him to ear for breakfast, and get him dressed yourself. I would even put his bag in the car the night before. He is struggling and needs that support. Less stress for you all in the morning. Perhaps get up 30 minutes earlier to dress him and to take 10 for yourself with a cuppa x

You can do this OP. You've got this.

P.s. I lose my sh*t at my kids every day. It's overwhelming. I also have ADHD and 3 neurospicy kids. I'm also a student Psychologist. I see you doing your best.

From experience within my family ,I think he may have ADHD or ADD
I know its very frustrating when you have work and other children to sort , but he is showing you he needs help

I did an ADHD course and one of the biggest takeaways was to lower my expectations of him in the morning and give him more support. I get up earlier to get myself ready then stay with him to brush teeth, get dressed, eat and we pack his bag for school the next day the night before together... I was expecting too much of him/ expecting him to be able to have the executive function of a neurotypical kid.. Once I realised he needed me more - our mornings are a lot calmer.

From a ADHD household …..

• Give him one instruction at a time.
• Get him to pack his bag the evening before.
• Use lists/check lists
• Don't shout at him when he forgets

My organisation skills are awful, I can easily walk into a room and forget what I was supposed to be getting. It’s much harder if I try and do several things at once. I am easily distracted which makes it even harder to remember what the original task was. I get my DC’s things ready for school/college the evening before, then I know when we get up all they need to do is wash, brush teeth, get dressed and have breakfast before leaving the house. At the age of 17 I still have to remind dd2 to brush her teeth….almost every day.

I’m surprised that his previous school didn’t suggest anything. This child needs help. He’s not being deliberately awkward. Please talk to the GP and t he school who will recommend some. It will make all of your lives easier..
please do so..poor you , poor sibling and poor son.

Checklist Board, 2Pcs Detachable Reusable Daily Schedule to Do List Board Chores Chart for Kids, Chore Chart Memo Checklist https://amzn.eu/d/3YD786C

My son (and husband who is dyslexic) are terrible at forgetting what they are meant to be doing. Their brains work very differently from mine. So we use above checklist with small simple steps. Then at least I can tell him to check that rather than me having a checklist in my head.

Your DS sounds exactly like my GD, she has just been diagnosed with ADHD, she too will hyper focus on something but forget what she’s been asked to do. ADHD doesn’t always mean hyperactive. The link posted earlier explains everything perfectly
hope you get it sorted soon 😊