To have lost it at DS aged 11

[FluthyFeaffers]

I have yelled at him this evening.
He is 11, soon to be 12.
Started Yr 7 in secondary school 3 weeks ago.
He is struggling so much with his (lack of) organisation in the mornings before school, I am at my wits end.
I spent the whole of year 5 and 6 battling, absolutely battling with him to get ready for school, but never succeeded. We were late every single day for 2 years.
"Eat your breakfast" gets distracted eating breakfast.
"Clean your teeth" goes upstairs to clean teeth but wanders around doing something else.
"Get dressed" goes in to bedroom to get dressed but ends up doing something else.
Etc. Etc. All through year 5 & 6.
It made us late because whilst this was going on I'm racing around trying to get myself ready for work and trying to get my other younger DC ready. Then I'd go and check on DS and he'd never ever have done what I'd sent him to do.
Nothing worked to motivate him. No reward system, no sticker chart, no amount of explaining about the repercussions of not doing as asked, no amount of explaining about the knock on effect of being late for school. I tried it all for 2 years. Nothing worked.
But because it was primary school, all that happened to him was we missed the school gate and had to go roundcto the front reception to be let in. He got a warm friendly greeting from teachers and I got a look of "Why can't you get your poor child in to school on time" and then I'd arrive late for work and get reprimanded for it.
So I spent the whole summer drilling it in to him that in Yr 7 he must must must get to school on time, because in secondary school if you're late you get a detention, because you're causing your sibling masses of stress by making them late for school every time you're late for school, because I am getting in to serious trouble at work because of arriving late every day because I drop you in late because you're not ready to leave on time, because it creates SO MUCH STRESS when you won't get ready in time to leave on time for school.
Yes yes yes yes yes mum, he said every time I brought it up over summer.
I promise, promise, promise I will change, he said.
4 weeks in to secondary school, and it is a nightmare every single morning.
He cannot, cannot get himself ready for school in time to leave.
I spell out for him every single morning what he needs to do. It's soooooo eeeeeasy. It's the same god damn things every single day! Nothing changes! Do x, y, z.
"Yes mum" wanders around.
"Have you done x, y and z?"
"No, sorry, I forgot. I'll do it now"
Wanders off.
"Why haven't you done x? Ive asked you twice now"
"Sorry"
"Do it now"
"Why haven't you done y? I've asked you 3 times"
"I'm sorry. I'll do it. I'm trying my best"
Last week he needed to take his PE bag on 1 of the says.
"Remember to take your PE bag today, it's hanging in the cupboard " I said.
"Oh yeah!!!!! PE!!!!! I forgot!!!!!! Thanks for reminding me!!!!!"
20 mins later:
"Have you got your PE bag?"
"Oh No! I forgot! I'll get it now...."
15 mins later, after non stop constant continuous marshalling to get ready, do this, do that, do this, do that:
"Right, come on, we're late again, pick up your rucksack and your PE bag we need to leave NOW"
DS hovers around putting on tie and blazer which I'd asked him to do the the past hour sling with all his other things he needs to do.
"NOW" I raise my voice, as he's making my other child late for school and me late for work.
He runs out the door, jumps in the car.
We get to school.
He turns pale and says "I've forgotten my PE bag"
"Tough" I say. " I have told you 3 times this morning to take your PE bag. I reminded you for the 3rd time right before we left home."
DS starts crying
"I will get a detention!!!!!!!!!"
His worst, absolute worst fear, is getting a detention. He's never had one, and is terrified of getting one.
"Maybe you'll learn if you get a detention " I say.
Then he starts begging and pleading with me to take him home to get his PE bag. He's crying sorry over and over again. He looks physically ill, sweating, clammy, pale.
So I drive him home to get PE bag.
My other child starts crying because now she is horribly late for school (different school) and is too young to go in by herself plus she has SEN and isn't mature enough to cope with going in by herself.
I drop him back to school. He's late. I drop DD toschool. She's late. I get 'the look' from her teachers. I drive to work. I'm late. I get disciplined by my boss.
That evening, I talk to DS for a very, very long time about the impact of his disorganisation in the mornings.
We work out that it would help him if I wrote down for him everything he needs to do in the mornings.
So I write it all out in very clear, bullet point steps. I show it to him, he thinks it's really helpful.
Great, I think.
Why didnt I think of this before.
1 week on, it's of no help at all.
This morning, he's wandering around telling me he's ready whilst simultaneously having forgotten 7 instructions in his morning list. I pointed each of the 7 things on the list out to him, staring each thing that was on the list that he hadn't done.
I told him to do them.
Went off to get other child ready to leave, I'm ready to leave, DS still not ready to leave. We were all late again.
Yesterday, he had something really important to take to school. His timetable. I askedchim SIX TIMES to put his timetable in to his rucksack (he'd got it out at home and I'd seen it in theclounge). I told him the night before, and again in the morning, 6 separate times in total "Put your timetable in to your rucksack now, otherwise you will forget" . 6 times. The 6th time was just before we left. I mean, I was getting more and more stern each time. "Put. Your. Timetable. In. To. Your. Rucksack. NOW. NOW!" We got to school. He turned pale. Panicked. "Mum I've forgotten my timetable!!!!!!!".
I point blank refused to go back and sent him in to school without it. He was really upset. Told me after school today that he'd gone to the wrong classroom at one point in the day as couldn't remember without his timetable. So I said "Go and put it in your rucksack now then, do it now".
"Ok" he says.
Dinnertime:
"Did you put your timetable in your rucksack?"
"Oh No! I got distracted! I'll do it now!"
Evening time
"Is your timetable in your rucksack?"
"No.......I forgot......."
"Go and do it immediately "
"OK...."
Bedtime, he's in bed, reading:
"Darling, is your timetable in your rucksack, did you do it?"
"No, sorry, I'm sorry mum, I forgot"
And that was that.
I lost it.
Yelled at him. For ages.
I have NEVER yelled at him before. Never.
He was devastated. So remorseful. Said sorry over and over again.
And finally, he broke my heart by sadly and quietly saying "I'm so sorry for being me. I really struggle with my short term memory mummy. I know it causes problems butvi cant help it".
He's soon to be 12.
He has not got SEN.
He's bright.
He's average at school except for maths where he's below average.
He's amazing in every other way.
He's such a good boy.
He tries so hard all of the time to do his best.
He's a clever boy.
He's a wonderful personality.
Fantastic sense of humour.
Loving.
Kind.
Affectionate.
Funny.
Friends love him.
Teachers complimentary about him.
What the hell is wrong with him in tbe mornings?????????
Am I being too hard?
Am I expecting too much????

Single parent?

Just wanted to give you a solidarity hug - my DD was assessed as being autistic aged 10 but everything you have said is her to a tea in the morning. However she’s now 12 in yr8, and we are very slowly turning a corner on some of the organisation stuff. I think year 7 transition to secondary is hugely overwhelming and draining on any kid, then add in any difficulties with executive functioning and attention it’s massively overwhelming. My nephew finally started to get better organised age 14, he is also neuro diverse so age and learning strategies can help in time, but I’m afraid they do need ALOT mores scaffolding at home than the average kid. My eldest child in contrast just organises herself with minimal input from me.

To coin a well used Mumsnet saying

"Oh do fuck off"

Go twiddle your wooden spoon somewhere else.

Poor kid.

He so obviously has inattentive type ADHD (and/or autism possibly, it's difficult to tell).

He's absolutely crying out for help, and I don't understand why the OP has just spent every day for 2 years thinking that he's like this for no reason and that he enjoys being forgetful and in trouble all the time, and having him being late for school every day without even considering that there could be a problem. Talk about head-up-your-arse syndrome.

I hope he gets a proper assessment done and some support soon.

@FluthyFeaffers My one tip for executive function problems/disorganisation with ADHD is to 'externalise' everything. Whatever DS needs to do, create an external and visual prompt for it. When you tell someone with ADHD something, it just gets lost in the millions of other things swirling around in their brain at that moment, and trying to remember and organise your thoughts is overwhelming and disheartening. Taking the need to think away from someone can be really helpful.

And this doesn't have to be something that you do for him. Sit down together one day (not in the morning) and write down a morning routine to put on the fridge/bedroom door/wherever your DS will see it. And start super small, perhaps just one task for a few weeks. This builds up positive feedback in the brain that you did something right, instead of always being wrong. So perhaps to start with, 'make sure PE kit is in bag'. Have him tick it off, empower him to work around his memory and brain and get something right. You sound like a lovely mum, so I bet you'd be great at this.

I'm 30+, but I still need a visual aid board to make sure I can attempt basic stuff. 'Brush teeth', 'do washing up' etc.. This to the point where the cleaner I hired to help maintain my house assumed for nearly six months that I had young children! I use something similar to this https://www.amazon.co.uk/Magnetic-KYONANO-Whiteboard-Fine-Point-Organiser/dp/B08RSDY72J/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=3FX3GT5M9LZEI&keywords=adhd+fridge+planner&qid=1695905835&sprefix=adhd+fridge+planner%2Caps%2C83&sr=8-3 but I stress to build up any routine slowly and not just fill a board full of chores in one go; it will be overwhelming and that can trigger someone with ADHD to give up before they've even tried.

For adults/older kids who are happy to spend a bit of money to help manage their disorganisation, Tile can be great. https://uk.tile.com/en

Basically GPS trackers you can put on your stuff and link to your phone, to the point where you can get a push notification on your phone if the Tile app detects that you've left the house without your lunch/bag/lanyard etc. It's pricey and not something I'd recommend as a first solution, but it's another way of outsourcing the part of your brain that isn't working so well to technology, whilst taking control of your own responsibility, instead of relying on your family members begrudgingly reminding you time and time again, which isn't fun for anyone involved.

I struggle with hearing too, especially in places with a lot of background noise. I watch TV with subtitles, and in certain situations I use these

https://www.loopearplugs.com/collections/all?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=trgt_uk_search_generic-health_earplugs&gclid=CjwKCAjwyNSoBhA9EiwA5aYlb_O1UKkUtV5qEYzf9ndOpbCwox6iMJsYKxJhnBqmCIJia1DJ80nAlhoCPdwQAvD_BwE

They mute background noise without making you unable to hear speech, so you can focus better on what's being said. Doesn't work for everyone, but I wear in loud meetings and on planes. They come in different types and sizes.

Again, the above tools don't work for everyone, but I wanted to offer some options from an adult with ADHD/ASD who has to make adjustments to get things to work, as these things don't magically disappear once one turns 18. Rooting for you and your DS😊

Dyspraxia

Because inattentive ADHD is so easy to miss - because everybody focuses on the hyperactive types - it is so hard not to (I do it too, when my hyperactive DS2 is home, he dominates, because that is part of what he does, he completely dominates a room, and DD gets overlooked, she is just off somewhere in her own daydreamy world). And because it is not much talked about. I really only worked out what was going on with DD when I was looking for resources to help DS2 understand himself and manage his ADHD, and fell over some descriptions of girls with inattentive ADHD. And especially in primary school, where it is much easier to day dream life away and not cause any bother, and if you are reasonably bright, your grades can be OK as well, even though you are only paying attention for a fraction of the class. And the teacher doesn't notice, grades OK, limited trouble, maybe late a bit, don't always have equipment but if parents are on top of it and most stuff stays in school, it is usually manageable and compared with DC acting out in class, it is all fine. Secondary school where they have to organise themselves a lot more and there is so much going on suddenly all the wheels can really feel like they are falling off. The OP's DS has just hit secondary school, very common time for suddenly all the pieces that have been baffling you as parents to come together enough to get pushed towards diagnosis.

@Lynz32 because its dead easy to think every kid is disorganised. It's the degrees of what is and what isn't normal.

Op may also have issues herself so comparing to not normal. She'd ruled out ADHD because he doesn't have the hyperactive bit.

Give her a break she's trying like we all are, just winging it hoping for the best

Thank you.

I’m a peri-menopausal woman, diagnosed with anxiety & depression, who has just realised (through the diagnosis of my children) that I am most likely neurodiverse. My whole life and being now make sense.

If he does actually have ADHD. Does he have a diagnosis?
I know my best friend when we had small kids together had a son diagnosed with ADHD. Turns out the Mum had it too, she was diagnosed along with the child. He wasn't busy wild bouncing off walls hyperactive, but was so distracted and disorganised but also extremely clever and able to concentrate deeply on random things he was interested at that minute. No way he'd have coped in high school without the medication the neurologist prescribed him. He was nearly moved out of his advance math and science classes due to his being unprepared and unorganised. That would have been such a waste as he was so bright and would have been just as disorganised in the non advanced classes anyway.
So if he has a diagnosis don't fight him and try and make him remember by causing stress, he needs a different approach and maybe like my fiends son, medication to help him.

Calm yourself @SleepyFergus 😂

the op have a breakdown of why she started at 5.30 running around like a headless chicken. It sounded mad and no other parent present.

whereas if there if another parent present but they’re tucked up in bed, puts a different slant on the situation

but you go ahead seeing shadows everything. Depressing way to live!

Oh and @SleepyFergus

i am a single parent 😂

The absolute ignorance in this post. Mind blowing.

That is EXACTLY ADHD… hyperfocus is part of it. Sounds pretty classic tbh, but you should have this ruled out if nothing else. Sending hugs x

I was only diagnosed with ADHD when I hit perimenopause, when I couldn’t mask any more. It has been life changing.

OP, you sound like a super Mum, and it sounds like you’re learning and being open and finding a way through. With your support your son will be just fine, I am sure.

It might be worth seeing if there’s any way of quietening the noise in his head so he can focus - I use audio stories which take up enough space in my head I can focus on what I need to be doing. Variations of pink noise are also good. Good luck.

@Familyofthem that's exactly the magnetic board set I bought for my DC last week, it's great! They have a different colour pen each and we had them create their own lists for the mornings. DD (probably autistic) loves the planning and for DS (adhd) it's so helpful to keep referring him back to the list. He gets a hit from ticking things off.

Have you considered Auditory Processing Disorder @Familyofthem? You mentioned using subtitles and finding it hard to hear in noisy environments. A relative has the same and has just been diagnosed with this. There are apparently lots of techniques that can help.

My DD1 wakes up at 6am every day and she still forgets her books/homework/PE kit/lanyard/bus pass etc - and sometimes a combination of these! She is Y11 now. There would be no point in school issuing her with a detention as she would forget to go. I have Marie Kondo’d her bedroom to within an inch of its life but she can never remember where anything should go, never puts anything away, scatters her belongings everywhere in the incessant hunt for that elusive missing item.

My son is like this and I thought it was inattentive ADHD when the diagnosis was dyslexia and dyspraxia. Be careful making your own diagnosis as many things can present in a similar way. Just get him assessed and in the meantime look up parenting and organisational strategies. An educational psychologist assessment will help and should also be able to direct you to more resources. Good luck to you and your son OP. Understanding it does help.

Seems to me he has ADHD and needs assessment

I know it’s frustrating but couldn’t you just do things like put his timetable or PE kit in his bag. It does sound like he has ADHD , and I speak from experience as both my sons are autistic and one also has ADHD. It’s easier for me to have clothes laid out ready for the morning , bags packed the night before (which I check) and I make them breakfast. One is in year 8 (12yo) and the other in year 6 (10yo). It’s

Being v intelligent and having additional needs are not mutually exclusive! Absolutely classic ADHD symptoms. He obviously is distressed that this is annoying you , and this could line up for bigger issues ( anxiety/ low self esteem ) if not tackled quickly - not to mention the difficulties for him trying to keep track of homework/ timetable changes etc. Please consider an assessment, and in the meantime read up about it. Also in the interim pack as much as he can the night before at a set time ( no gadgets until done/ tick this off before dinner etc). Have EVERYTHING ready and waiting by the door the next morning - a friend went so far as to have a specific box for her oldest son’s shoes and ties because they would always go missing! Timer for teeth/ dress within a favourite song time. Write this all out in order with timings. If necessary breakfast in the car. Also specify clearly that you will leave at x time regardless ( allow 5 min leeway/ set a clock fast ) - you may have to call his bluff on this a few times but younger siblings shouldn’t be penalised. Good luck.

By reminding him you are enabling him. When it’s time for you to leave, you leave whether he’s ready or not. Put him in the car even if he’s not ready. Believe me it works. I dragged mine in in his pyjamas, he was soon dressed the next day.

Oh my god this breaks my heart, it’s textbook ADHD. This sounds like my whole childhood and I had a miserable time of it, have suffered with depression and anxiety my whole adult life, eventually got diagnosed with ADHD and am still in therapy. Please please PLEASE take him to a doctor to talk about it, potentially get a diagnosis if I’m right and let him get the right help, and perhaps get him into therapy to get some coping strategies in place.

I echo what others have said here too. Is there a possibility of ADHD/. ASD or a touch of both.

I would absolutely say he has ADHD. Have you tried giving him 1 thing to do at a time. Tell him to brush his teeth and then come back to you when he’s done it and then give the next instruction. Can you give him a timer with a countdown for each thing he has to do, E.g. 5 mins to brush his teeth?