To have lost it at DS aged 11

[FluthyFeaffers]

I have yelled at him this evening.
He is 11, soon to be 12.
Started Yr 7 in secondary school 3 weeks ago.
He is struggling so much with his (lack of) organisation in the mornings before school, I am at my wits end.
I spent the whole of year 5 and 6 battling, absolutely battling with him to get ready for school, but never succeeded. We were late every single day for 2 years.
"Eat your breakfast" gets distracted eating breakfast.
"Clean your teeth" goes upstairs to clean teeth but wanders around doing something else.
"Get dressed" goes in to bedroom to get dressed but ends up doing something else.
Etc. Etc. All through year 5 & 6.
It made us late because whilst this was going on I'm racing around trying to get myself ready for work and trying to get my other younger DC ready. Then I'd go and check on DS and he'd never ever have done what I'd sent him to do.
Nothing worked to motivate him. No reward system, no sticker chart, no amount of explaining about the repercussions of not doing as asked, no amount of explaining about the knock on effect of being late for school. I tried it all for 2 years. Nothing worked.
But because it was primary school, all that happened to him was we missed the school gate and had to go roundcto the front reception to be let in. He got a warm friendly greeting from teachers and I got a look of "Why can't you get your poor child in to school on time" and then I'd arrive late for work and get reprimanded for it.
So I spent the whole summer drilling it in to him that in Yr 7 he must must must get to school on time, because in secondary school if you're late you get a detention, because you're causing your sibling masses of stress by making them late for school every time you're late for school, because I am getting in to serious trouble at work because of arriving late every day because I drop you in late because you're not ready to leave on time, because it creates SO MUCH STRESS when you won't get ready in time to leave on time for school.
Yes yes yes yes yes mum, he said every time I brought it up over summer.
I promise, promise, promise I will change, he said.
4 weeks in to secondary school, and it is a nightmare every single morning.
He cannot, cannot get himself ready for school in time to leave.
I spell out for him every single morning what he needs to do. It's soooooo eeeeeasy. It's the same god damn things every single day! Nothing changes! Do x, y, z.
"Yes mum" wanders around.
"Have you done x, y and z?"
"No, sorry, I forgot. I'll do it now"
Wanders off.
"Why haven't you done x? Ive asked you twice now"
"Sorry"
"Do it now"
"Why haven't you done y? I've asked you 3 times"
"I'm sorry. I'll do it. I'm trying my best"
Last week he needed to take his PE bag on 1 of the says.
"Remember to take your PE bag today, it's hanging in the cupboard " I said.
"Oh yeah!!!!! PE!!!!! I forgot!!!!!! Thanks for reminding me!!!!!"
20 mins later:
"Have you got your PE bag?"
"Oh No! I forgot! I'll get it now...."
15 mins later, after non stop constant continuous marshalling to get ready, do this, do that, do this, do that:
"Right, come on, we're late again, pick up your rucksack and your PE bag we need to leave NOW"
DS hovers around putting on tie and blazer which I'd asked him to do the the past hour sling with all his other things he needs to do.
"NOW" I raise my voice, as he's making my other child late for school and me late for work.
He runs out the door, jumps in the car.
We get to school.
He turns pale and says "I've forgotten my PE bag"
"Tough" I say. " I have told you 3 times this morning to take your PE bag. I reminded you for the 3rd time right before we left home."
DS starts crying
"I will get a detention!!!!!!!!!"
His worst, absolute worst fear, is getting a detention. He's never had one, and is terrified of getting one.
"Maybe you'll learn if you get a detention " I say.
Then he starts begging and pleading with me to take him home to get his PE bag. He's crying sorry over and over again. He looks physically ill, sweating, clammy, pale.
So I drive him home to get PE bag.
My other child starts crying because now she is horribly late for school (different school) and is too young to go in by herself plus she has SEN and isn't mature enough to cope with going in by herself.
I drop him back to school. He's late. I drop DD toschool. She's late. I get 'the look' from her teachers. I drive to work. I'm late. I get disciplined by my boss.
That evening, I talk to DS for a very, very long time about the impact of his disorganisation in the mornings.
We work out that it would help him if I wrote down for him everything he needs to do in the mornings.
So I write it all out in very clear, bullet point steps. I show it to him, he thinks it's really helpful.
Great, I think.
Why didnt I think of this before.
1 week on, it's of no help at all.
This morning, he's wandering around telling me he's ready whilst simultaneously having forgotten 7 instructions in his morning list. I pointed each of the 7 things on the list out to him, staring each thing that was on the list that he hadn't done.
I told him to do them.
Went off to get other child ready to leave, I'm ready to leave, DS still not ready to leave. We were all late again.
Yesterday, he had something really important to take to school. His timetable. I askedchim SIX TIMES to put his timetable in to his rucksack (he'd got it out at home and I'd seen it in theclounge). I told him the night before, and again in the morning, 6 separate times in total "Put your timetable in to your rucksack now, otherwise you will forget" . 6 times. The 6th time was just before we left. I mean, I was getting more and more stern each time. "Put. Your. Timetable. In. To. Your. Rucksack. NOW. NOW!" We got to school. He turned pale. Panicked. "Mum I've forgotten my timetable!!!!!!!".
I point blank refused to go back and sent him in to school without it. He was really upset. Told me after school today that he'd gone to the wrong classroom at one point in the day as couldn't remember without his timetable. So I said "Go and put it in your rucksack now then, do it now".
"Ok" he says.
Dinnertime:
"Did you put your timetable in your rucksack?"
"Oh No! I got distracted! I'll do it now!"
Evening time
"Is your timetable in your rucksack?"
"No.......I forgot......."
"Go and do it immediately "
"OK...."
Bedtime, he's in bed, reading:
"Darling, is your timetable in your rucksack, did you do it?"
"No, sorry, I'm sorry mum, I forgot"
And that was that.
I lost it.
Yelled at him. For ages.
I have NEVER yelled at him before. Never.
He was devastated. So remorseful. Said sorry over and over again.
And finally, he broke my heart by sadly and quietly saying "I'm so sorry for being me. I really struggle with my short term memory mummy. I know it causes problems butvi cant help it".
He's soon to be 12.
He has not got SEN.
He's bright.
He's average at school except for maths where he's below average.
He's amazing in every other way.
He's such a good boy.
He tries so hard all of the time to do his best.
He's a clever boy.
He's a wonderful personality.
Fantastic sense of humour.
Loving.
Kind.
Affectionate.
Funny.
Friends love him.
Teachers complimentary about him.
What the hell is wrong with him in tbe mornings?????????
Am I being too hard?
Am I expecting too much????

Have not read all the replies, but just came to join the chorus of “adhd” and when you said he can’t have adhd as he can really focus on things, you even mentioned “hyper focus” which is a known ADHD trait 😁

good luck. I managed to completely change mornings with my DC around that age by:

• allowing a lot more time at mornings, and setting the kitchen clock 10 minutes fast 😁
• keep calm myself, and stick to a trued and tested routine
• no shouting
• bags, including pE bags and lunch all get sorted the night before and are always in exactly the same place
• Never give more than 1 instruction
• get up 30 minutes earlier than you think you should
• leave the house 10 minutes before you think you should

My DD was like this. Didn’t get her assessed until she was 17, don’t spend the next four years battling a fight you can’t win. DD has inattentive ADHD. Our lives would’ve been so much better if we’d all understood that her difficulties were not her being forgetful or lazy etc.

Bless him. I am so glad you have taken the comments on board. I hope you can get a diagnosis for your ds.

Yes I would imagine he has ADHD too and you should have a list the night before to make his life easier.

A visual check list for the morning would be hugely helpful too. You can buy them cheaply on eBay.

Has he had covid? Long covid has been known to cause brain fog / memory issues!

This was my son. Eventually ended up home schooling as he just couldn't manage the levels of self-organisation required and school was very happy to give endless detentions for the same things over and over and over again, without wanting to engage as to why the same issues kept occurring over and over and over again, and what might help to change it.

Now 21, recently diagnosed with Autism and on waiting list for ADHD assessment too.

My son is autistic with suspected adhd. I could've written this myself. You need to explore whether there is a sen issue further, it sure sounds like it.
I do a lot of prep the night before for my son, also 11. I make sure his clothes are laid out, pack lunch is made the night before and bag is packed. Visual charts can also help. It sounds like he is struggling to focus. My son also has a terrible short term memory but can remember every small detail of something that happened when he was 2. Our mornings are still very chaotic, but we manage.

I've not read the whole thread but read your posts and just wanted to say that I hope you get to the bottom of this and that you sound very very lovely and have a lovely relationship with your son ❤️

My ds can be a bit like this. I'm looking into ADHD.

Collect all bags, homework, timetable etc. the night before and put it by the door.

Put uniform, hair brush, toothbrush with bowl together in one place downstairs (no going upstairs and getting distracted).

Also, put other kids on bus to school so at least they get there on time, but this won't be possible for other families.

Sorry OP, not going to read all the comments but I know I'm not the only one to suggest that your son DOES have additional needs... This isn't just being badly organised or lackadaisical. He seems to be remorseful and it matters to him if he's late (because detention) so I suspect the poor lad has dyspraxia or perhaps ADHD. So get help for him! What's the senco like at his school?
It might help your understandable frustration at the situation if you accept this is part of him and that he has additional needs.

This is my dd. Diagnosed at 16 while having some routine therapy for depression post lockdown.

It made so much sense once I read into ADD without the H. We sought the help needed, and now she just recently aced her exams and got her first place university.

Don't be too hard on yourself @FluthyFeaffers for 'losing it', simply see it as the opportunity needed (as a result of your post) to get your son the help he clearly needs.

• Never give more than 1 instruction

This is key! DP has ADHD and I swear I can see the switch in his face when I’m telling him things, from listening and absorbing to “brain has gone on a different path that’s very interesting”. He’ll go for a shower but not get in it because he saw something out of the window on the way and disappeared down a Wikipedia hole thinking about it.

OP, I think you might want/expect independence because we’re programmed to expect it: secondary school! Great, they can do it themselves, I get my time/brain back. But it’s not the same for every child. Instead of spending mornings asking him to do X task when you know it won’t happen, and consequently getting in trouble at work, just do X task yourself or create mechanisms to make X task easy. With ADHD stuff has to be in sight or it doesn’t exist: PE bags and such on pegs in the hall, not tucked away in a coat cupboard. Clear pockets on the wall with things like timetables in. Big whiteboard on the back of the front door with simple prompts: timetable? Kit? Phone? Massive house declutter may help as well, so the stuff that’s necessary for school/life doesn’t lose its visibility among mess.

100 percent agree and then some

Is it just you and him OP?

Do you then go on to work?

Maybe you should have him check by a psychologist. Not being mean buy this is not normal. He can’t help it probably
I’ve a friend with ADD who had been like this throughout her teenage years

Also, just reading that you are up at 5.30 and running around like a chicken, is there any chance you have it yourself?

Please come back and let us know how the assessment(s) go. You write beautifully.

Op why are you running around like a chicken ag 5.30am?

other children? Your work?

Actually, big big apologies to the OP. What seems so obvious to outsiders is hard to spot when it's all you've known. I haven't time to read 15 pages but I did read OP's responses and I see she's come around to the idea that something is atypical about her lovely son.

OP, do talk to your GP as a portal through which you can get a referral to an assessment, unless you think the GP won't be helpful. You can talk to the schools SENCO too, and they will be able to help with a referral too. It'll take ages so in the meantime I'd just treat him as if he does indeed have ADHD and try to understand his mindset and circs. It's hard.

I do think that the fact that his sibling has SEN is also a bit of a flag here...

Hyper focus is absolutely a trait of adhd.

I set alarms on my phone to remind me to do stuff.

Another friend has her Alexa set

He sounds very much like my Y11 DD and she has recently been referred by a Paediatrician for assessments for ADHD, Dyspraxia and has suspected Dyslexia (that nobody will test for unless I pay for it).

She can't remember anything 2 seconds after being told it. She has to leave herself notes every single day to remember things that she needs. It is very very frustrating having to live with it, for both her and me.

I wish that I had got this looked into earlier, but primary school fobbed me off with various reasons and told me secondary school would pick up any issues, but they didn't, then covid hit and so on and so on.

DD's assessment may come too late for GCSE but will help her in college.

YABU for going back though and getting anything that he has forgotten and making yourself even later. He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. Even if he does have ADHD he needs to find a way of coping with this and making reminders etc.

It is also wrong that his sibling is suffering due to his actions.

You have described my diagnosed autistic son in that post.
Sounds very much like SEN to me.
I organise everything at home regarding his school bag and make sure it's packed appropriately every night. PE kit goes in his main school bag for ease as he's lost three pe kits in the last year. Gave up with pencil cases after he lost the fifth one. We make hundreds of copies of his timetable at the start of each term and every morning you can guarantee I will need to grab another copy and put it in his bag.
He just has zero ability to organise himself, school must be drowning in his timetables, pencil cases, pencils and pens, it's costing us a fortune but even with his diagnosis he's not given any extra help because SEN needs are being ignored by the government. He has detentions most weeks because he didn't understand or hear an instruction from the teacher.
His feeling of listening problems could be that there is so much going on around him, movement and sound, that he can't focus and can't work out who exactly he should be focussing on. He's overloaded and struggling to cope, home needs to be his sanctuary, if he likes hugs (mine can't stand them at all) give him a big hug and tell each other you will help each other get organised and get creative with working out routines to aid an easier life. Always place school clothes, bag, shoes, in the same place every single day, always get dressed straight after breakfast and teeth, then you have free time until it's time to leave. Getting that sort of routine instilled in him will take a while but eventually it will be an automatic process for him. It won't be easy though. Good Luck.

Your boy sounds lovely, and I hear your struggles with this. My now adult son had dyspraxia, disgraphia and discalculia, but wasn’t formally diagnosed until he left school. I had no idea that dyspraxia can result in appalling short term memory, which explained so much about certain difficulties he had, it’s changed the way I feel about his apparent lack of care about certain things entirely and made me so much more patient with him. Yes, he can concentrate on certain things, games etc, but will forget things I’ve asked him 10 minutes later, but knowing he doesn’t do it on purpose has really helped. It has also meant it takes him longer to learn repetitive tasks than most people but he gets there in the end. I hope you can get some help with your boy.

You’re amazing btw.