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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby with new partner at 41?

133 replies

Whyisitallsocomplicated · 26/09/2023 20:49

I have 2 children (age 7 and 11) and they’re amazing. They don’t see their dad (court ordered due to domestic violence)
I always knew that I wanted more than 2 children but was so traumatised after the dv that I didn’t think I’d be able to ever have another relationship but I have the most wonderful boyfriend and it’s something I think I would like to do…
He has a son the same age as my youngest but due to medical issues with his ex she could only have 1 child but he says he always wanted more than 1 child.I’ve brought my kids up all by myself and I would love to experience parenting with a supportive partner. AIBU to think I’m 41 I might not be able to conceive anyway should we just go for it?!

OP posts:
wynnefr · 26/09/2023 20:52

In short OP - yes of course you should go for it !!! Good luck !!

eastiseastwestiswest · 26/09/2023 20:54

How long have you been together? Are you married? Do you live together? Does he get on with your children and treat them as his own? Have you got combined finances?

Freezingcoldinseptember · 26/09/2023 20:54

I had a dc with a new dh at 43! He was 32!. Dc is now 9.. Conceived very easily and was quite shocked but delighted!. Never take for granted my Bonus Baby! He is amazing!

GreyCarpet · 26/09/2023 20:55

What does he think? Surely, he's the person you should be discussing it with.

GoodVibesHere · 26/09/2023 20:56

It's such a personal individual decision that I don't see how asking people here will help you very much. I mean you may get a variety of responses but it is entirely up to you.

Personally there is no way on earth I'd be having a third child, and at the age of 41. Too exhausting, too financially draining, too risky health-wise, too hormonal at peri-menopause, too many kids. But that's my choice.

YourNameGoesHere · 26/09/2023 20:58

Honestly I'd think long and hard about it. Your children are just getting to the stage where they will need you more for a while, not less. A new baby in the house will be a huge upheaval for them and alongside a new partner it's a big ask of them change wise and not something I'd personally do.

Woebegoing · 26/09/2023 21:01

How would feel about being a single mother to the prospective child?

Because that's a distinct possibility. Your answer to that question should inform your decision.

Hummingbird233 · 26/09/2023 21:02

How new is new?

It's all very well jumping into this, but what if he turns out not to be the nice guy you think? You (and your kids) could be trapped with him for a long time.

I know you're feeling a now or never feeling, but unless you know him well, I wouldn't to be honest.

GotMooMilk · 26/09/2023 21:05

I wouldn’t, you both have children already, it’s a new ish relationship. You have 3 kids between you enjoy them and find your feet as a blended family as you are. You could end up splitting up and would be an older single mum with kids from two dads- obviously plenty of people out there in that situation but would be complicated.

RampantIvy · 26/09/2023 21:08

I had DD at 41 and while most of my friends of a similar age are retired and gallivanting everywhere we are still supporting DD through higher education, so finances are tight, and I am still working.

Summer2424 · 26/09/2023 21:12

Hi @Whyisitallsocomplicated
Go for it hun!
I had my first at 41 yrs old and my second at 42 yrs old, you'll be fine xx

Doyoumind · 26/09/2023 21:13

Guessing you haven't said how long you've been together because it's actually not long at all. That's a key piece of information you need to provide if you want an honest opinion.

YourNameGoesHere · 26/09/2023 21:16

Summer2424 · 26/09/2023 21:12

Hi @Whyisitallsocomplicated
Go for it hun!
I had my first at 41 yrs old and my second at 42 yrs old, you'll be fine xx

It's very easy to say this when you have no other children to consider.

There are 3 young children in this situation who need to be considered it's not as easy as saying go for it and ignoring the children in this situation.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2023 21:16

Doesn't sound like the best idea tbh.
How long have you been together?

Original poster
Whyisitallsocomplicated · 26/09/2023 21:17

So we’ve been together over a year. My kids adore him he’s a really lovely dad to his son too and does things with my kids like takes them to football, bike rides etc they feel very comfortable round him. We don’t live together but are planning to very soon. I know things might not work out but even if we weren’t together I know, based on how amicable he and his ex are, that he would be very involved still so I wouldn’t ever be a single parent like I have been to my kids now if that makes sense. I feel like ideally we would wait longer before trying for a baby but I feel like biology isn’t on my side…

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 26/09/2023 21:17

Seems unfair on your and your boyfriends’ DC.

Original poster
Whyisitallsocomplicated · 26/09/2023 21:18

Also financially we would be ok if we had another baby

OP posts:
redguitar123 · 26/09/2023 21:18

FFS, how much attention are your 7 and 11 year old going to get to help them recover from the trauma of an abusive dad, if you're busy cooing over a newborn? Awful idea IMO.

redguitar123 · 26/09/2023 21:19

oh and you've only been together for a year and don't live together? definitely no.

Look after the kids you've got. they need you.

Loomy · 26/09/2023 21:20

I guess you have to think about what you would do is there were disabilities, whether you’d cope and your kids would. What you would do if you were a single parent again, whether you enjoyed it or found it unbearably tough etc.
I’m 43 and couldn’t imagine starting over again but mine are older and I’m quite lazy!

Pussinskool · 26/09/2023 21:21

"So we’ve been together over a year"

Yikes, no. And you're not living together.

Truth is, you don't really know him that well...

unfor · 26/09/2023 21:21

I get it as I would have loved more kids too, but you should definitely wait until you've lived with him for a bit and found out how you co-parent together. As others have said, parenting teenagers is massively demanding - you are actually in an easy phase of parenting now and it will get more challenging! You need to be sure that you are a good team, on the same page about the kids, and that he will have your back.

TeaKitten · 26/09/2023 21:21

It sounds like your set up right now is perfect, he gets on great with your kids and you don’t live together, so the kids home is still their safe haven. A baby and moving in together would ruin it all. It’s a shame life didn’t work out how you wanted, but enjoy and embrace what you have now, a lovely boyfriend and 2 great kids, and a bonus third sort of step child.

YouJustDoYou · 26/09/2023 21:21

Do not just pop out another human. Jesus Christ. Only been together a year. Don't even live together. Fuck. Your poor kids.

unfor · 26/09/2023 21:23

PS I was extremely broody when I was 41 and had an 8 year old but now I am 48 and have a 15 year old I am so glad I didn't have any more kids (not that I had the opportunity to anyway). It is great to be able to focus on my teenager and my plans for the next phase of life.

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