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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby with new partner at 41?

133 replies

Whyisitallsocomplicated · 26/09/2023 20:49

I have 2 children (age 7 and 11) and they’re amazing. They don’t see their dad (court ordered due to domestic violence)
I always knew that I wanted more than 2 children but was so traumatised after the dv that I didn’t think I’d be able to ever have another relationship but I have the most wonderful boyfriend and it’s something I think I would like to do…
He has a son the same age as my youngest but due to medical issues with his ex she could only have 1 child but he says he always wanted more than 1 child.I’ve brought my kids up all by myself and I would love to experience parenting with a supportive partner. AIBU to think I’m 41 I might not be able to conceive anyway should we just go for it?!

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 27/09/2023 00:44

I would be keeping the set up you currently have. Your DC (and you) have been through so much trauma

Fallingthroughclouds · 27/09/2023 00:44

Is it a possibility that you are still in the honey moon phase of this relationship and the endorphins are screaming 'mate, mate'. Because you don't live with him and you are soon to be blending a family I would be very cautious. Also what others have posted about your current children getting over the trauma of an abusive father. They need your focus.

RantyAnty · 27/09/2023 05:03

Of course not

Raise the children you have. They need a lot, having been subjected to trauma and abuse.

WandaWonder · 27/09/2023 05:08

Would it be fair on your current children and you will be late 50's when the child is a teenager?

You want but is really fair if this relationship doesn't last on the new and old children?

Is 'but i wanna baby!!!!!' enough?

Hufflepods · 27/09/2023 06:33

Why do so many of these women get with a brand new partner and basically want a do over for life without considering the fact that they already have multiple children??

GreyCarpet · 27/09/2023 07:09

junbean · 27/09/2023 00:30

I wasn't commenting on anyone here. I haven't read the other comments and I don't care to. She wasn't asking for advise on the length of her relationship, she asked about her age and having a baby.

Show quote history

There are more factors to consider than just her age though.

Children who have lived through DV live with trauma. They already have that to deal with. Plus, she doesn't live with this man yet. The children would have to deal with him moving in, acquiring a step sibling, their mother being pregnant and a new baby. Similar would apply to his child too.

This is not as simple as having a first child at 41 when there is no one else to consider. The three existing children also need to be considered.

GreyCarpet · 27/09/2023 07:10

Hufflepods · 27/09/2023 06:33

Why do so many of these women get with a brand new partner and basically want a do over for life without considering the fact that they already have multiple children??

It's a way of 'validating' the new relationship.

junbean · 27/09/2023 07:10

GreyCarpet · 27/09/2023 07:09

There are more factors to consider than just her age though.

Children who have lived through DV live with trauma. They already have that to deal with. Plus, she doesn't live with this man yet. The children would have to deal with him moving in, acquiring a step sibling, their mother being pregnant and a new baby. Similar would apply to his child too.

This is not as simple as having a first child at 41 when there is no one else to consider. The three existing children also need to be considered.

Show quote history

You're reaching...overreaching.

GP78 · 27/09/2023 07:14

Honestly it sounds like you're in the honeymoon period with your BF. You said yourself you were in an abusive relationship for years so your expectations on what is acceptable may well be a bit off. In an ideal world you'd have time to really get to know each other and make sure any future kids didn't end up with a shit dad too. There is no time at 41 though, it's now or never. In your situation I wouldn't tbh and I had a kid at 41 so it's not that 💐

GreyCarpet · 27/09/2023 07:27

junbean · 27/09/2023 07:10

You're reaching...overreaching.

Show quote history

In what way?

What have I said that is not a reflection of reality?

It is a fact that children who grow up in DV have a degree of trauma. It's a fact they don't live together. It's a fact that, if he moved in, her children (and his) would have to get used to a new living situation. It's a fact, that if she became pregnant, she'd be pregnant and there would be another baby in 9 months time. It's a fact that if you have a child when you already have children, you need to consider the impact (positive and negative) on any existing children. It's a fact you don't need to do that if it's your first.

What the OP does is ultimately up to her but her age is not the only factor to consider and she knows that or she wouldn't have included the other details in her post.

I see the impact of childhood trauma every day - both in children and the adults they become. Most of it is through DV. The children needs are the priority here and not the OP's wants.

If she didn't have any other children, if their background had been different, if she and this man had been together for longer than a year and lived together, I suspect the responses would have been very different because the situation would be very different.

SnapdragonToadflax · 27/09/2023 07:34

I think that would be very unwise. You don't even live together. Have you had his son and your children together for any length of time? Do they get on? Blending families is really, really difficult and takes time. A baby puts a deadline on that.

If you really must do this, give it a year living together before trying to conceive. You owe your children that.

klhfd · 27/09/2023 08:03

You've not been together very long and it's not fair on the kids you have now, dividing your time and finances by 3 (4 really) to experience parenting with a partner, I don't understand the obsession of collecting children in relationships. Your older children haven't been erased and need you more than ever. My frank keyboard opinion.

mondaytosunday · 27/09/2023 08:15

Id move in together first. See how that goes as a blended family.
I had my second at 43 so there may be time yet even if you wait a few months. But also, don't bank on it. Will you still be happy without another baby?

Beezknees · 27/09/2023 08:16

junbean · 27/09/2023 07:10

You're reaching...overreaching.

Show quote history

No they aren't overreaching at all. Adults often behave selfishly without considering what their children have been through. I've experienced it as a child.

Hatesf1 · 27/09/2023 08:58

I agree @Hufflepods totally irresponsible - I always roll my eyes when I see the phrase “and the kids love him” especially in the context of a year or less.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/09/2023 09:17

I think you should try if you want to., why not ? I had my first baby at 41, second at 43.
I got pregnant very quickly each time so don’t assume that it will be hard, it might well not be.

redguitar123 · 27/09/2023 09:34

SirVixofVixHall · 27/09/2023 09:17

I think you should try if you want to., why not ? I had my first baby at 41, second at 43.
I got pregnant very quickly each time so don’t assume that it will be hard, it might well not be.

have you read the thread? two kids who have grown up with an abusive dad,
she's only been with the new partner a year and doesn't live with him so would effectively be setting up to be a single mother. Nothing like your situation.

KajsaKavat · 27/09/2023 09:38

I don’t think you should assume he will be a supporting other parent. Also it seems unfair to the existing children . But I do j defat and wanting a third child, I had a third child with the dad of the other 2 children when our relationship was all but over and I was 43 .

PinkRoses1245 · 27/09/2023 09:44

Honestly, no. It's not fair to your existing 3 children. The risk of a baby with a disability is higher at your age, even if you can conceive, and the physically risks to yourself. Are you prepared for that? Have you discussed marriage, housing, finances? You have 3 children between you, that is plenty and more than a lot of people get. Focus on enjoying your new relationship and your existing children, they will need more support emotionally as they become teens, not have you focused on a baby.

jolaylasofia · 27/09/2023 09:47

Loopytiles · 26/09/2023 21:17

Seems unfair on your and your boyfriends’ DC.

why????

InYourHeadZombieeeaeaeaea · 27/09/2023 09:48

You don't even live together yet. Keep your contraception going...

RantyAnty · 27/09/2023 09:52

Hatesf1 · 27/09/2023 08:58

I agree @Hufflepods totally irresponsible - I always roll my eyes when I see the phrase “and the kids love him” especially in the context of a year or less.

When the reality is they can't stand him and keep quiet to please their mum

Pumpernickel27 · 27/09/2023 09:57

If it's really what you want I think you should live together first as a blended family before trying to get pregnant with a new baby. Moving in together and getting pregnant at the same time will be a big adjustment for the children you already have, and for your relationship. So I would move in together ASAP and make sure that you can make that work first.

GreyCarpet · 27/09/2023 10:14

RantyAnty · 27/09/2023 09:52

When the reality is they can't stand him and keep quiet to please their mum

Show quote history

I don't think that's fair.

But what children mean when they 'love' someone in this context isn't what they mean when they say they love their family. It's more similar to "I love Thursdays at school because we do PE." Or when someone says, "I love <insert random celeb name>." They don't actually love them.

I think it's unfair to suggest that children 'can't stand' a parents partner when there is nothing to suggest that.

AmazingSnakeHead · 27/09/2023 10:16

I wouldn't. You have two kids already, who have been through DV and upheaval. They will then need to adjust to having your BF move in with them. And then a new sibling, and the ages of 8 and 11. They need stability and peace, now. You have never lived with your BF so you don't actually know what he's like, he might be very different when you need to share the daily grind of living. And if you split up, you'll then be left with even less time and attention to dedicate to your two elder chidlren.