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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby with new partner at 41?

133 replies

Whyisitallsocomplicated · 26/09/2023 20:49

I have 2 children (age 7 and 11) and they’re amazing. They don’t see their dad (court ordered due to domestic violence)
I always knew that I wanted more than 2 children but was so traumatised after the dv that I didn’t think I’d be able to ever have another relationship but I have the most wonderful boyfriend and it’s something I think I would like to do…
He has a son the same age as my youngest but due to medical issues with his ex she could only have 1 child but he says he always wanted more than 1 child.I’ve brought my kids up all by myself and I would love to experience parenting with a supportive partner. AIBU to think I’m 41 I might not be able to conceive anyway should we just go for it?!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 27/09/2023 10:18

jolaylasofia · 27/09/2023 09:47

why????

Show quote history

Because children are people with complex emotions who have a right to be considered before life changing decisions which will affect them are made.

Especially when some of the children involved have experienced DV and when the prospective parents have been together for only a year and when they don't even live together yet

MargotBamborough · 27/09/2023 10:25

I would look at some of the room sharing threads on here regarding blended families.

For me the biggest consideration would be, do you live in a five bedroom house?

You don't say what sex your children are but there is already quite a significant age gap between your two and it's not clear whether your youngest who is the same age as your partner's child is a boy or a girl. You should consider and allow for the possibility that your partner's son might at some point need to come and live with you full time.

I would say that unless you have enough space for each of your children, including a potential new baby, and your partner's son when he comes to stay, to have their own room, having another baby is more about what the adults in this situation want than about the needs of the children who already exist.

A lot of people will no doubt come along and say nobody ever died from having to share a room as a child, but just look at some of those threads and you will see what I mean.

There was one recently where the OP's 12 year old daughter and 16 year old stepson had been forced to share a room until the OP's 20 year old autistic son moved out, each of them had finally got their own space, then the 20 year old autistic son moved back home and wanted his room back. It turned into a bitter row with some people saying the 20 year old son should be chucked out because his needs had been prioritised over those of the other children for far too long, and others, who I suspect have autistic children themselves, saying that his needs are paramount regardless of his age and that the 16 year old stepson should be kicked out and sent to live with his mother.

There have been various others where, for example, there has been a heated debate over whether a bedroom should be given to a new baby or whether the baby should share with a much older sibling of the same sex so that a step sibling of the opposite sex could have their own room when they came to stay.

Have a read of some of those threads and ask yourself, "Could this be us if we have another baby?" If the answer is yes, don't have another baby.

coconutpie · 27/09/2023 10:51

No no and no. You would be crazy to even consider this. You already have two DC who are dealing with the aftermath of their abusive father and you are considering having a baby with someone you have been dating for a year?! You need to concentrate on your existing DC, not bring another into the mix. I don't understand how some people can't be just happy with their current DC. You are 41 - what if your baby has complex additional needs (higher risk of this because of your age) and so you can't spend as much time with your current DC? That ship has sailed. Be happy that you have two DC already, you're out of an abusive relationship and in a good one now.

lizzaliza · 27/09/2023 13:19

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 26/09/2023 21:57

Ask yourself very very honestly, would my existing two children benefit from a new baby by a different father?

I think you know the answer. Put them first. They've been through enough upheaval in their short lives already.

They would gain a new sibling though? Surely that could also be a huge positive in their lives (further down the line).

unfor · 27/09/2023 13:37

@lizzaliza Not necessarily. It could be the best thing that ever happened to them, of course, but there is research that shows that the fewer siblings a child has, the happier they are.

lizzaliza · 27/09/2023 13:42

unfor · 27/09/2023 13:37

@lizzaliza Not necessarily. It could be the best thing that ever happened to them, of course, but there is research that shows that the fewer siblings a child has, the happier they are.

Oh, really??!! I never knew that. I'll have to look this up.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 27/09/2023 13:48

My existing dc now have a fantastic df.. They didn't have that before! They also have a happy dm.. Didn't have that before either. And a bonus of an amazing little dbro... Never a negative picture here.. Good for you in trying to make a stable life for you all op. So much negativity in new dc in new relationships in here... I met dh in a bar.. The old fashioned way!!
Been together over 10 years.... Married 8.

Ilovegoldies · 27/09/2023 13:48

Why the hell would you complicate your life at this stage? You need your head examined.

klhfd · 27/09/2023 14:03

They would gain a new sibling though? Surely that could also be a huge positive in their lives (further down the line).

That is not a guarantee and not at the expense of what they are guaranteed to lose with time and money being further divided; throw in the age gaps, different fathers, short relationship and parental age and that further exacerbates the situation. They don't need to make a baby to make a family or create stability.

newlystyle · 27/09/2023 14:04

redguitar123 · 26/09/2023 21:18

FFS, how much attention are your 7 and 11 year old going to get to help them recover from the trauma of an abusive dad, if you're busy cooing over a newborn? Awful idea IMO.

This, you owe it to your kids to give them stability. You want to have a baby with someone who you've know a year, not even living together and think this is a good idea? Very selfish imo.

Tellmeifimwrong · 27/09/2023 14:15

I'm always puzzled by the viewpoint that existing dc would suffer if a new sibling comes into the picture. I'm a single mum to 2 dc who have been saying for a few years that they'd love another sibling!

Bubop · 27/09/2023 14:19

redguitar123 · 26/09/2023 21:19

oh and you've only been together for a year and don't live together? definitely no.

Look after the kids you've got. they need you.

This.

Please don’t make your existing children have to process a new half sibling on top of everything that’s already happened. Getting to know a new stepdad and step sibling is a big enough adjustment.

klhfd · 27/09/2023 14:21

@Tellmeifimwrong my kids would stay up all night and eat nothing but chocolate if they got what they thought they wanted, doesn't mean that would be a good idea or in their best interests. As the adult parent I know what is best for them.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 27/09/2023 14:23

When I was pregnant with my last dc my dd's age 8 and 9 were keen to learn to make cups of tea. So they could help when I was sat breastfeeding the new dc! Hardly the actions of neglected and pushed out of place dc? They are 17 and 18 now and every day show that dc how loved he is.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/09/2023 14:27

Tellmeifimwrong · 27/09/2023 14:15

I'm always puzzled by the viewpoint that existing dc would suffer if a new sibling comes into the picture. I'm a single mum to 2 dc who have been saying for a few years that they'd love another sibling!

Children are fickle, don't tell me you have two of them yet haven't figured out they don't have the capacity to fully understand the impact of such a life changing event?

Two of mine begged for multiple afterschool activities through the years and it always turned out the most begged for activities were the ones they dropped the quickest because it didn't meet their expectations.

Do you think it's wise to live life on the say so of two preteens?

jays · 27/09/2023 14:27

Yes you should go for it! I was told not to have more kids at 32. I met my partner nearly 8 years ago (long after advice had changed) when I was ages with you… il 50 now and I wish I’d gone for it X

TomatoSandwiches · 27/09/2023 14:28

Freezingcoldinseptember · 27/09/2023 14:23

When I was pregnant with my last dc my dd's age 8 and 9 were keen to learn to make cups of tea. So they could help when I was sat breastfeeding the new dc! Hardly the actions of neglected and pushed out of place dc? They are 17 and 18 now and every day show that dc how loved he is.

Were your children subjected to DV and traumatised before your 3rd came along?

klhfd · 27/09/2023 14:32

@Freezingcoldinseptember right and was that additional child the result of a 12 month "relationship", after a DV impacted relationship, with a different father, over the age of 40? Talk about projecting, the replies aren't aimed at you, we don't know your situation.

GreyNomad · 27/09/2023 14:33

Good grief no. Don't be so naïve and, frankly, selfish. Put your living and breathing children first. The mind boggles.

HowcanIhelp123 · 27/09/2023 14:39

Trying for a baby with a guy you've been with for only a year and don't live with is not a good plan. What if you move in and aren't compatible living together!?

Your kids have been through so much disruption in their lives. They've had the trauma of an abusive father, and in the space of a year you're introducing a new partner, moving in with new partner and step sibling, and you want to add a new baby into the mix?

You're not guaranteed a healthy baby - what if the baby is born with Down's syndrome, cerebral palsy, severe autism? How will that affect your existing DC? Do you and partner have the foundation to cope with that and maintain a relationship while caring for that baby? What if you split up and you end up caring for their disabled sibling majority of the time?

Personally I wouldn't go back to baby days when existing kids old enough freedom is returning anyway, but in your situation tbh it seems particularly reckless. You don't know this man - you've been together a year and don't live together. You have kids. You can't see eachother that often given your other responsibilities. Maybe now more often if kids have been introduced, but still no where near enough to decide to the commitment of a baby.

The fact you're 41 has no bearing on it other than the increased risk of foetal abnormalities with maternal age.

Nagado · 27/09/2023 14:53

Are you insane? You haven’t even lived with him yet and you want to tie yourself to him for the next 18 years, at least? You have no idea what he’s like when he’s tired and the DC are making too much noise and there are toys everywhere and there’s nothing for dinner and he’s worrying about bills or work etc. He’s still on his best behaviour with you and it’s easy for him to be the fun step dad figure a few times a week, or a caring dad each weekend. I know you’re thinking about biology but the consequences of having a child with another abusive or generally shitty man should be at the forefront of your mind.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/09/2023 14:59

Under a year and you don’t live together? No. You don’t really know him. And ‘even if we split up he’d be great and amicable like he is with his ex’ is so flimsy an excuse it’s unreal.

Think of your current children and focus on them.

StopStartStop · 27/09/2023 15:05

So you're happy to force not only a strange man but also a new sibling onto your (still young) children?

All about you, eh?

Beezknees · 27/09/2023 16:28

Tellmeifimwrong · 27/09/2023 14:15

I'm always puzzled by the viewpoint that existing dc would suffer if a new sibling comes into the picture. I'm a single mum to 2 dc who have been saying for a few years that they'd love another sibling!

Kids aren't emotionally mature enough to understand the reality of it. That's why the adults need to make the correct choices.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 27/09/2023 17:40

Too many variables to advise. Risk of ill health for you or the baby. Risk of your existing DC being upset. Damage to your career and pension prospects. Having to start again with a baby at 41! 😱

What does your bf think?