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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a baby with new partner at 41?

133 replies

Whyisitallsocomplicated · 26/09/2023 20:49

I have 2 children (age 7 and 11) and they’re amazing. They don’t see their dad (court ordered due to domestic violence)
I always knew that I wanted more than 2 children but was so traumatised after the dv that I didn’t think I’d be able to ever have another relationship but I have the most wonderful boyfriend and it’s something I think I would like to do…
He has a son the same age as my youngest but due to medical issues with his ex she could only have 1 child but he says he always wanted more than 1 child.I’ve brought my kids up all by myself and I would love to experience parenting with a supportive partner. AIBU to think I’m 41 I might not be able to conceive anyway should we just go for it?!

OP posts:
Notagreatyear · 26/09/2023 22:35

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 26/09/2023 21:28

I wouldn't.

Your existing children have gone through a lot of trauma.

You have three children between you to focus on.

Bringing another child into this is selfish imo.

This

bobcat2424 · 26/09/2023 22:38

Please think of your children.. and put them first. Not easy sometimes to do when we're excited about a relatively new romance and it's all so lovely..
You haven't been going out for long.. 'over a year' you say like you trying to make it sound longer.
Enjoy your new relationship and enjoy this time but don't put him on a pedestal.
Do you really want to put yourself through being a single mum again??? And put your children through that too? And all the upset and difficulty of a blended family.
Sounds like you need to grow up and put some more value on yourself and your children (who have already been through a lot..)

Have you had any therapy after the domestic violence? I'm so sorry you have been through that but you need to be SO careful that you don't make a similar mistake looking for your hero.
That is you.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 26/09/2023 22:42

A year is still a new relationship, it's much too soon. You have three kids between you, that's already a lot.

I'd enjoy what you have and prioritise your existing kids

ACertainKindOfLight · 26/09/2023 22:44

No way on earth would l even consider it. It just sounds like an act of desperation to keep your new man. What if he walked away whilst you were pregnant, or shortly after the birth ? You'd be in such a mess. I would stay exactly as you are, living separately for now.

BWTAAL · 26/09/2023 22:47

Don’t do it, you haven’t lived together even. Enjoy the children you have between you. It would actually not be a good idea for your children either as they have also been through so much.

PuttingTheGreen · 26/09/2023 22:48

I don't understand women like you op.

I feel like I've logged into an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Flyhigher · 26/09/2023 22:48

I'd focus on the three kids you have between you and your relationship. You are about to hit teens. And it's going to exhaust you. 41 means teens with menopause. Don't do it!!! Enjoy your partner. Xxx

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2023 22:54

What an absolutely horrible idea. Put the welfare and needs of your existing children first, FGS.

Blueeyedmale · 26/09/2023 22:55

It would be a no from me simply due to the fact yes your children get on with your partner, but living under the same roof that's completely different especially given the trauma you/they have faced I would wait at least a year with him living with you and see how that settles with your current DC before adding to the family

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 26/09/2023 22:58

I’m another vote for no I’m afraid. I understand your desire to have another child especially now you are with someone who seems lovely. However 1 year is not long really, and not living together is not the same intensity as living together. seems like you have a nice settled life at the mo after a difficult period with abuse, I’d be wanting that to continue.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 26/09/2023 22:59

I had 3 under 7 when we met. He had none.. Mine never saw their df... We are a great family! Ds is adored by his siblings.

bobcat2424 · 26/09/2023 23:18

Freezingcoldinseptember · 26/09/2023 22:59

I had 3 under 7 when we met. He had none.. Mine never saw their df... We are a great family! Ds is adored by his siblings.

I think that's amazing and I'm happy for you.

Can I ask, how did you meet him? I have so many friends who are single with no children and I do wonder how?

When I had 3 under 7, I was knee deep in nappies, 'wind the bobbin up.. ' 🙈 jolly phonics and signing reading records.. so I salute you!

JFDIYOLO · 26/09/2023 23:45

I think your existing children need all your attention.

They've been subjected to an abusive father, now they have another man in their lives for only a year or so. So many upheavals.

The amount of attention a pregnancy and new baby will take away from them may not be wise.

You're about to hit peri menopause, which is probably where this is coming from. And hot flushes, night sweats, anxiety, palpitations, itching, weight gain, emotional roller coasters ... all the favourites 😏... will be a very trying clash with pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights, toddler tantrums etc etc.

You've only known him a year - it's a gigantic double whammy for a new relationship to deal with. Do you really know if he will step up and be there for it? For you?

Also - be careful with a man who does not live with his own young children. He either left them, or she got them away from him.

junbean · 26/09/2023 23:54

I just had a baby at 40, with my other kids teenagers. Age doesn't have as much as a bearing on fertility as they make it out to be. It's not nearly as risky as they say either. Go ahead and look up the statistics and facts around it because the comments here are probably going to be awful. My LO is very healthy and happy, and I don't feel a day over 20. I would love to have another one too. Do what you want, and don't stress it, it might be easy or it might not!

WhateverMate · 26/09/2023 23:57

I think it's too fast for your kids.

You've only been with this man a year and you don't even live with him yet.

The kids have got a massive amount to get their heads around when you do start living together, without throwing a baby into the mix.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2023 00:15

junbean · 26/09/2023 23:54

I just had a baby at 40, with my other kids teenagers. Age doesn't have as much as a bearing on fertility as they make it out to be. It's not nearly as risky as they say either. Go ahead and look up the statistics and facts around it because the comments here are probably going to be awful. My LO is very healthy and happy, and I don't feel a day over 20. I would love to have another one too. Do what you want, and don't stress it, it might be easy or it might not!

Is this the same situation? Op’s dcs are a product of a dv relationship and likely traumatised. She doesn’t really know her dp.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 27/09/2023 00:19

I think you'd be bonkers op sorry

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 27/09/2023 00:20

No.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 27/09/2023 00:21

wynnefr · 26/09/2023 20:52

In short OP - yes of course you should go for it !!! Good luck !!

WTF? Confused You can't be serious!

evuscha · 27/09/2023 00:23

junbean · 26/09/2023 23:54

I just had a baby at 40, with my other kids teenagers. Age doesn't have as much as a bearing on fertility as they make it out to be. It's not nearly as risky as they say either. Go ahead and look up the statistics and facts around it because the comments here are probably going to be awful. My LO is very healthy and happy, and I don't feel a day over 20. I would love to have another one too. Do what you want, and don't stress it, it might be easy or it might not!

I don’t think people are saying no based on age (I know plenty of healthy happy 40+ mums), but rather based on the background of her not even living with the boyfriend and not knowing him properly, and both of them already having kids.

junbean · 27/09/2023 00:30

evuscha · 27/09/2023 00:23

I don’t think people are saying no based on age (I know plenty of healthy happy 40+ mums), but rather based on the background of her not even living with the boyfriend and not knowing him properly, and both of them already having kids.

Show quote history

I wasn't commenting on anyone here. I haven't read the other comments and I don't care to. She wasn't asking for advise on the length of her relationship, she asked about her age and having a baby.

bobcat2424 · 27/09/2023 00:30

junbean · 26/09/2023 23:54

I just had a baby at 40, with my other kids teenagers. Age doesn't have as much as a bearing on fertility as they make it out to be. It's not nearly as risky as they say either. Go ahead and look up the statistics and facts around it because the comments here are probably going to be awful. My LO is very healthy and happy, and I don't feel a day over 20. I would love to have another one too. Do what you want, and don't stress it, it might be easy or it might not!

Isn't it revealing how in your post you talk about yourself.. your health.. your LO..
How are your older children doing?

junbean · 27/09/2023 00:31

bobcat2424 · 27/09/2023 00:30

Isn't it revealing how in your post you talk about yourself.. your health.. your LO..
How are your older children doing?

Show quote history

Revealing...? Revealing what exactly? My older children are over the moon about their little sister and otherwise happy and healthy. Why?

bobcat2424 · 27/09/2023 00:36

I think it speaks volumes that in your post you mention a lot about you, how you feel, how healthy your LO is.
You didn't actually mention how your children are coping. Until asked!
But yes, I'm sure they are delighted and it's the best thing to ever happen.

bobcat2424 · 27/09/2023 00:37

'Do what you want and don't stress it' may not be the best advice? Maybe fine for you