Page 2 | To want a baby with new partner at 41?

KookyAndSpooky · 26/09/2023 21:28

I would prioritise your two DC (who have been through so much) over my want to have a baby in your shoes.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 26/09/2023 21:28

I wouldn't.

Your existing children have gone through a lot of trauma.

You have three children between you to focus on.

Bringing another child into this is selfish imo.

RampantIvy · 26/09/2023 21:29

I know things might not work out but even if we weren’t together I know, based on how amicable he and his ex are

I just don't get this. Women who just view men as sperm donors even if they think the man isn't in for the long haul.

Cowlover89 · 26/09/2023 21:29

Go for it

Chanhedforthis · 26/09/2023 21:31

Noooo don't be silly op

PurpleRadish · 26/09/2023 21:35

If you want. I wouldn't.

JaneAustenshandbag · 26/09/2023 21:37

People who say it will be fine don’t know that. I had a miscarriage at 41 followed by a positive screening for Down syndrome at 42. Everyone thinks the risks don’t apply to them but it is a huge potential risk.

WowOK · 26/09/2023 21:38

You've only been together for a year. I wouldn't even consider it until you've lived together for a year. I understand your under time pressure but i wouldnt want to make a mistake that impacts on the current childrens wellbeing. You could have a fertility MOT to see if having another baby is an option moving forward. You could also consider freezing eggs for the future. I would have a baby with a guy I've know a year.

JaneAustenshandbag · 26/09/2023 21:39

A fertility MOT will tell you if you have eggs left. I have loads left. Doesn’t tell you how healthy they are though.

LDNista · 26/09/2023 21:40

I personally wouldn’t. Your children must’ve been through a lot with the domestic abuse. I’d want to focus completely on giving them the security and attention they need. I wouldn’t move in with a new guy after a year, let alone have a baby with him. I’d still be taking things very slow.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/09/2023 21:42

A year? No.
I think you should get some therapy for the previous trauma and resolve the upset ypu have over having less than ideal first experiences with your children.

RaceToTheMiddle · 26/09/2023 21:45

I know things might not work out but even if we weren’t together I know, based on how amicable he and his ex are, that he would be very involved still so I wouldn’t ever be a single parent like I have been to my kids now if that makes sense

Cannot believe you wrote this!! And considering a baby. Sounds so naive

BabyShaark · 26/09/2023 21:57

You never know if it works out or not.

I can only speak of my own experience: Me and then partner decided to try for baby when I was 40. Had only been together just over a year and not living together (although by then we wanted to move together and both our properties were on the market).

I got pregnant successfully in the third cycle (second cycle resulted in chemical pregnancy).

Today happily married, living together, with a wonderful DD who is almost 4.

There are no guarantees in life.

Yes, your man could turn out to be a d*ck. Yes, you might never get pregnant. Yes, you could have a baby with chromosomal abnormalities. That’s a real risk. As long as you make an informed decision, that’s ok.

You could also wait until you’re 50, find out you’re with the best man on the planet and realise that you’re menopausal.

Personally, I think after a year you can trust your instincts whether a guy is good for you or not. If he has managed to fool you for a year, he can also fool you for two.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 26/09/2023 21:57

Ask yourself very very honestly, would my existing two children benefit from a new baby by a different father?

I think you know the answer. Put them first. They've been through enough upheaval in their short lives already.

Doyoumind · 26/09/2023 21:58

How long are you out of your previous relationship? When you've experienced such abuse I think it can be easy to find someone 'normal' and think they're amazing.

There are so many reasons not to have a child with this man. You're still in the honeymoon period. You haven't lived with him. You have two DC you need to focus on, and whilst they might like him now, consider how they would feel having their world turned upside down if he moves in and you have a baby. You quite probably won't get pregnant anyway, and if you do there are risks.

Try to accept that the way your life has turned out means you'll only have two DC and that's fine. I think after your previous relationship you're chasing a dream and need to face reality.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 26/09/2023 22:01

A year is not a long time and with not living together not ideal.

At 41 your time to conceive is definitely on the decline.

I would have a serious conversation around what you would do in case of abnormalities ie Down’s syndrome as this is an increased risk with being older. Is he seriously wanting another child or is it a yes it would HAVE been nice to have more. If you were to separate how would he proceed with visitation for both of his children. Financially can you afford to take the hit, not just with a child but increased costs due to having 3 children. Would you regret not trying even if it didn’t happen.

Finally but most importantly if it does go wrong can you do it all solo.

Only you know the seriousness of your relationship and whether it is long term no-one on a random internet chat room is aware of your individual circumstances.

Cupcakekiller · 26/09/2023 22:01

It's not your age that's the issue but that you have two older children (but still quite young) who have been through an awful lot and need some peace and stability. You've not been with your bloke for very long and should just concentrate on building a nice life for you and your DCs. Have a relationship by all means but put the kids you have first

Testina · 26/09/2023 22:05

You have one other thread, and in that he has 2 children. So how’s the relationship with the mother of the other one?

I think 4 kids is enough for any relationship, and that you’d heed to be with him longer, and you’re already risking more health issues as an older mother. So it would be a no from me - and that’s before starting on the older two benefiting from plenty of attention given their background.

Teder · 26/09/2023 22:25

YANBU to want a baby, perhaps you’re feeling broody. Personally, in your situation, having a baby would be madness. 3 kids between you and it’s not a long term relationship. Your 2 have experienced trauma and need you.

Butterflyxx2 · 26/09/2023 22:27

Whyisitallsocomplicated · 26/09/2023 20:49

I have 2 children (age 7 and 11) and they’re amazing. They don’t see their dad (court ordered due to domestic violence)
I always knew that I wanted more than 2 children but was so traumatised after the dv that I didn’t think I’d be able to ever have another relationship but I have the most wonderful boyfriend and it’s something I think I would like to do…
He has a son the same age as my youngest but due to medical issues with his ex she could only have 1 child but he says he always wanted more than 1 child.I’ve brought my kids up all by myself and I would love to experience parenting with a supportive partner. AIBU to think I’m 41 I might not be able to conceive anyway should we just go for it?!

Go for it girl best of luck x

YourNameGoesHere · 26/09/2023 22:29

Butterflyxx2 · 26/09/2023 22:27

Go for it girl best of luck x

Show quote history

Did you even read the thread? I don't understand how anyone can think this is a good idea.

evuscha · 26/09/2023 22:31

Normally I would say go for it but given that you don’t live together, it’s only been a year, you’re not even sure if you will stay together - that’s a recipe for potential disaster. Don’t do it.

redguitar123 · 26/09/2023 22:32

Butterflyxx2 · 26/09/2023 22:27

Go for it girl best of luck x

Show quote history

And we have the prize for the least thought through, most superficial post!

Beezknees · 26/09/2023 22:32

I'm sorry but I think YABU. You have 3 children between you already. Your children have been through enough. Blended families are usually difficult and honestly the parents are often quite selfish and don't consider what is best for the children in these scenarios.

Your children's needs are more important than your wants here.

ladypenelopesfan · 26/09/2023 22:33

"I know things might not work out but even if we weren’t together I know, based on how amicable he and his ex are, that he would be very involved still so I wouldn’t ever be a single parent like I have been to my kids now if that makes sense"

Just read this back to yourself and then really, really think about it.
Then give your head a wobble.

It's a "No" from me.