About this situation with my best friend?

[McQueensMuse]

I was always very clear that my second marriage would be an elopement, just us, our children and two witnesses (probably procured via mumsnet)
I told those important to me that this would be the case, My Dad, my best friend of almost 40 years (let's call her Lucy) and a few close girlfriends.

We are away for a trip in a couple of months and a couple who me and my partner both know well and spend time with are coming to the town we are in to look after our youngest two while we take the eldest children to a show on Friday. I suggested to my partner that as this couple were staying over that we should ask them to be our witnesses and see if we could arrange the marriage for the next day.

He thought this was a great idea, so I asked my friend if she and her partner would be our witnesses, booked the registrar, added two people to the afternoon tea we were already doing that day.
Wedding planned within 45 minutes and saved us a fortune by not booking a trip to get married at another point in the future as all the travel and accommodation costs were already paid, other than the legal fees it's costing us the price of two extra afternoon teas.

I was really excited and mentioned to my partner that I keep going to mention things about the day or my outfit that are being kept as a surprise for him and having to stop myself.
He said "I just assumed you were telling Lucy, you tell her everything"

So despite the fact that elopements are meant to be a secret, I decided to tell Lucy as I never suspected for a minute she'd be upset, I really thought I'd made myself very clear that we wouldn't be having a "wedding" as such, just buggering off and getting married.

But upset she is, very.
Saying how hurt she is that when I was telling her about it today I didn't ask her to come and how it never crossed my mind to include her in my celebration.

But we're not inviting anyone?

My Dad died a few months ago, but even if he were still alive even he wouldn't be 'invited'
It was actually one of the last face to face conversations I had with him and he was totally fine with it.

She then went on to say that she doesn't feel we are as close anymore (news to me) and that she was upset that I didn't come to my goddaughter's baby shower (her daughter) as it was a big day for them both.
Tentative dates for the shower were end of July/start of August, So I thought I'd be safe to book a trip for 2nd weekend in July. That's when the shower happened as my goddaughter ended up having a planned csection.
I get the feeling Lucy thinks I should have not booked anything for the whole of July so that I could definitely have attended the shower and maybe she's right? But that was four months ago I was told the date of the shower and said I couldn't make it and only now I'm hearing that it really upset her that I didn't attend.

I'm not even sure what to say to her now as I am really struggling to see what I've done wrong, Other than telling her!
(And not keeping the whole of July free for the baby shower)
I really wish I hadn't told her, I was so excited about getting married and now I'm just sad.

Am I being unreasonable here?

I'd imagine as your oldest and closest friend, the idea of having a less close friend be a witness hurts more than you just sourcing two strangers to rock up and do it.

If I were Lucy, I'd be curious as to the choice you made, probably a little hurt, and maybe just try and rationalise it that you and I aren't as close as maybe I assumed.

Whatever your wedding plans, you'd clearly prepped those closest to you that you didn't want any friends or family there. Yet now you've invited a friend. So other friends may wonder why not them.

It's your day, and your choice of course. But I think you'd have to be a little short sighted not to even imagine how Lucy feels at this point.

You’re not being unreasonable. Your wedding plans sound brilliant.

Your best friend doesn’t own you. A best friend would be happy for you, and not making it all about her. It’s hardly a snub when no-one else is invited except for two people who, by the sound of it, happen to be there for other reasons.

She’s being ridiculous and given her other comments I’d be tempted to edge away from this friendship, however long standing.

I'd imagine as your oldest and closest friend, the idea of having a less close friend be a witness hurts more than you just sourcing two strangers to rock up and do it.

I agree with this. I’d expect witnesses to either be complete strangers or your closest friends - so would also be questioning the strength of the relationship if you aren’t going down the “strangers” route.

Your choice completely, but I can see why Lucy feels hurt about this.

Yup, agree with others. You’ve been thoughtless here.

Yes, this.

Your wedding, your choice. But you can't always know how someone will feel about it.

She says it's not that she's jealous or upset our other friends are being witnesses,She agrees that it makes sense as they are there anyway.

But she's hurt that I haven't asked her to come at all.
But then it becomes not an elopement with just us and two witnesses as was always the plan.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Eloping is eloping. Plus you'd already told her that you were going to elope, so it isn't as if she didn't know beforehand. I also don't think you did anything wrong about the baby shower.

Sorry but you aren't following the plan you had in your head .Witnesses shouldn't just be casual friends.
My ds did a low key wedding told no one and 2 Witnesses from the registry office. All family and friends were in the same boat

They're not casual friends though. I wouldn't be leaving my children with them if they were.
I've known her for over twenty years and her partner for as long as they've been together which is around four years (roughly)

But had you chosen her to be a witness, she would have been able to be there. Why does some 'lesser' friends visiting prompt you into arranging so they can do it when presumably she could anytime?

I see what you're saying but I did ask a couple of months ago if she'd be able to come through to the town we are in (to watch the wee ones, the town isn't far away from her) and she couldn't book annual leave that far ahead. Absolutely fair enough.
She also said she wouldn't want to commit to anything that far ahead as ahe didn't know how busy she would be with her new grandchild (again, totally fair enough) So I think that's probably why it didn't even enter my head to see if she was available.
Also it then starts the ball rolling of who would be my partner's witness.

You've not been thoughtless at all. It's an elopement. That means witnesses and no guests.

The solution you've hit on makes sense from a convenience and financial point of view.

Lucy seems a bit demanding tbh, her stance on the baby shower is ridiculous.

True friendship is about mutual support during good times and tough ones, not rocking up to baby showers and other money / social media grabs on command.

I think you're not being unreasonable in your decision, but it might have been more tactful not to have told her about the witnesses; it's not particularly relevant to her and if she's a slightly jealous type, could perhaps arouse jealousy.

But the main issue seems to be something else. She seems to regard formal celebrations of milestones in life as very important, to the point that she cannot imagine someone not choosing to have them, on at least a small scale. You (like me) don't put huge value on such formal celebrations. So she sees it as that you didn't include her in your celebration, rather than that you didn't HAVE a celebration, and that your witnesses were your celebrants, rather than just being convenient witnesses. Perhaps you could try once more to explain to her, in these terms, that there was NO celebration involved,

I also wonder if perhaps her daughter is stirring things up a bit: as her godmother, have you found her inclined to be demanding or ready to take offence?

Have you perhaps been less available than normal (understandable if you're getting married, even by elopement), and your friend is interpreting it in her own way? Might she think that she'll be less important to you, now that you're married? Perhaps you should try to invite her to more personal 'just because' meetings, to combat this possible impression. But if she's become the type of person who measures friendship solely in terms of how one treats formal occasions, there's not much you can do about it.

She says it's not that she's jealous or upset our other friends are being witnesses,She agrees that it makes sense as they are there anyway

You planned the wedding there based on the fact that these friends were there. Its not like you had a wedding booked, planned on asking strangers, then found out the other friends were in town so asked them.

Have you considered she isn't actually telling you honestly how she feels? If she's hurt, and feels like she needs to distance herself a bit, she may not want to open up to you.

I was Lucy once and it really (and still does) hurt. Am I being entitled to think I had ‘rights’ as the best friend? Yes. But it still really really hurt and did make me wonder if we aren’t as close as I thought.

I understand how it happened, but also understand her feelings. If you had asked her to babysit and also at the same time asked her to be a witness, then she would have done whatever it took to be there for you. She, understandably, couldn't book leave so long in advance just in order to baby sit; being a witness would have been a different matter. That is not how it happened, but that is how it feels to her.

I think you're absolutely right in that we see milestones/celebrations differently.

My goddaughter is a lovely lass and no not demanding at all. She wouldn't be the type to stir things up about not being at her shower. If either of them had so much as hinted they were upset that I wasn't attending, I would have cancelled my trip. But I think you've hit the nail on the head with the fact that I see it as a party I couldn't come to and she sees it as a major slight.

We live far away from each other and I'm as available as I've always been, More so actually as I'm not working at the moment.
We usually chat weekly for about an hour but she's been super busy with her new grandchild so we definitely haven't spoken as much.

You didn't elope though, you had two close friends there and went out for a celebratory tea afterwards! I'd be incredibly hurt if I were Lucy, sorry.

I understand what you are saying but I wasn't even thinking about getting married when I asked her if she could come through.

YANBU.

A close friend of mine got married a few years ago in a registry office and only had her kids and her mom there. It was both their second marriages and they didn't want a fuss. I was a tiny bit upset but purely because I wanted to spend their day with them. But I completely understood and its their wedding so I would never have said anything! Instead we had a secret hen do with one of her other close friends (she only told close people she was getting married) and we had a lovely girly day.

With regards to the baby shower I don't think you're in the wrong. She didn't give you a set date and told you late July, the second week is not late July!

I think you need to be pretty blunt with her as she's massively overreacting.

I know you weren't thinking about it- but that's how it could feel to her. That is what I was trying to say, when I said I understood how it happened.

If I were you, I would have been very reluctant to ask those two friends to be witnesses just in order to avoid anything like this. It's too bad, and we all know you meant no harm!

You’ve basically taken your friend saying she can’t take a day off work to travel and look after your kids (which, wtf anyway?! That’s a massively cheeky request!) and, without any further discussion, decided it meant she wouldn’t be free for your wedding. Most people would view their best friend’s wedding in a different league from a bit of babysitting.

I'm usually pretty blunt, But this is such an overreaction that I am now wondering is there something else going on with her?
Maybe I should just leave it for a while 🤷

I don't feel like it was particulary cheeky, I was going to take the wee ones through to her. I only asked her to babysit and she couldn't, That's not a problem.
I'm not equating a wedding with a bit of babysitting at all, The only reason I mentioned it at all was to say that she had previously said she didn't want to commit to anything months in advance.
So even if I did pause to think she would be upset, I'm hardly likely to hound her to commit to something when she had already said she didn't want to.
I'd feel like I had badgered her into it almost. Do you know what I mean?

I dont understand how 3 friends instead of two means it isnt the eloping as you would have wanted. What difference does that make?