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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this situation with my best friend?

144 replies

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 11:42

I was always very clear that my second marriage would be an elopement, just us, our children and two witnesses (probably procured via mumsnet)
I told those important to me that this would be the case, My Dad, my best friend of almost 40 years (let's call her Lucy) and a few close girlfriends.

We are away for a trip in a couple of months and a couple who me and my partner both know well and spend time with are coming to the town we are in to look after our youngest two while we take the eldest children to a show on Friday. I suggested to my partner that as this couple were staying over that we should ask them to be our witnesses and see if we could arrange the marriage for the next day.

He thought this was a great idea, so I asked my friend if she and her partner would be our witnesses, booked the registrar, added two people to the afternoon tea we were already doing that day.
Wedding planned within 45 minutes and saved us a fortune by not booking a trip to get married at another point in the future as all the travel and accommodation costs were already paid, other than the legal fees it's costing us the price of two extra afternoon teas.

I was really excited and mentioned to my partner that I keep going to mention things about the day or my outfit that are being kept as a surprise for him and having to stop myself.
He said "I just assumed you were telling Lucy, you tell her everything"

So despite the fact that elopements are meant to be a secret, I decided to tell Lucy as I never suspected for a minute she'd be upset, I really thought I'd made myself very clear that we wouldn't be having a "wedding" as such, just buggering off and getting married.

But upset she is, very.
Saying how hurt she is that when I was telling her about it today I didn't ask her to come and how it never crossed my mind to include her in my celebration.

But we're not inviting anyone?

My Dad died a few months ago, but even if he were still alive even he wouldn't be 'invited'
It was actually one of the last face to face conversations I had with him and he was totally fine with it.

She then went on to say that she doesn't feel we are as close anymore (news to me) and that she was upset that I didn't come to my goddaughter's baby shower (her daughter) as it was a big day for them both.
Tentative dates for the shower were end of July/start of August, So I thought I'd be safe to book a trip for 2nd weekend in July. That's when the shower happened as my goddaughter ended up having a planned csection.
I get the feeling Lucy thinks I should have not booked anything for the whole of July so that I could definitely have attended the shower and maybe she's right? But that was four months ago I was told the date of the shower and said I couldn't make it and only now I'm hearing that it really upset her that I didn't attend.

I'm not even sure what to say to her now as I am really struggling to see what I've done wrong, Other than telling her!
(And not keeping the whole of July free for the baby shower)
I really wish I hadn't told her, I was so excited about getting married and now I'm just sad.

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 13:22

Ellie1015 · 26/09/2023 13:19

I dont understand how 3 friends instead of two means it isnt the eloping as you would have wanted. What difference does that make?

Because I think people would be more understanding of us having our only 'couple' friends with us. Especially when we explain that they were though in the same town anyway.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 26/09/2023 13:27

Totally your choice but it’s odd you can’t see why she’s hurt as it’s fairly clear to me that you’ve created a situation that will have her questioning your friendship. You’re very dismissive of her feelings.

toomuchforonewoman · 26/09/2023 13:30

Yes I agree OP, you are very dismissive of how your friend is feeling.

Snugglemonkey · 26/09/2023 13:52

Alstroemeria123 · 26/09/2023 11:52

I'd imagine as your oldest and closest friend, the idea of having a less close friend be a witness hurts more than you just sourcing two strangers to rock up and do it.

I agree with this. I’d expect witnesses to either be complete strangers or your closest friends - so would also be questioning the strength of the relationship if you aren’t going down the “strangers” route.

Your choice completely, but I can see why Lucy feels hurt about this.

I totally agree. You are inviting 2 friends to witness and to afternoon tea.

BetterWithPockets · 26/09/2023 13:55

Do you care about this friend, OP? If so, and even though you can’t really understand what you’ve done ‘wrong’ (I can’t either — but as the mix of replies on here show, we all see friendships differently), I’d tell her you’re sorry, and didn’t mean to make her feel that way etc. She’s clearly upset and if you value the friendship, I’d focus more on hearing what she’s telling you/being reassuring than worrying about who’s right or wrong.
Conversely, if you’re not that bothered, I’d be inclined to say you didn’t mean to slight her, and then just move on…

Snugglemonkey · 26/09/2023 13:55

ToWhitToWhoo · 26/09/2023 12:24

I think you're not being unreasonable in your decision, but it might have been more tactful not to have told her about the witnesses; it's not particularly relevant to her and if she's a slightly jealous type, could perhaps arouse jealousy.

But the main issue seems to be something else. She seems to regard formal celebrations of milestones in life as very important, to the point that she cannot imagine someone not choosing to have them, on at least a small scale. You (like me) don't put huge value on such formal celebrations. So she sees it as that you didn't include her in your celebration, rather than that you didn't HAVE a celebration, and that your witnesses were your celebrants, rather than just being convenient witnesses. Perhaps you could try once more to explain to her, in these terms, that there was NO celebration involved,

I also wonder if perhaps her daughter is stirring things up a bit: as her godmother, have you found her inclined to be demanding or ready to take offence?

Have you perhaps been less available than normal (understandable if you're getting married, even by elopement), and your friend is interpreting it in her own way? Might she think that she'll be less important to you, now that you're married? Perhaps you should try to invite her to more personal 'just because' meetings, to combat this possible impression. But if she's become the type of person who measures friendship solely in terms of how one treats formal occasions, there's not much you can do about it.

There is a celebration though. An afternoon tea.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/09/2023 14:06

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 13:22

Because I think people would be more understanding of us having our only 'couple' friends with us. Especially when we explain that they were though in the same town anyway.

Show quote history

So basically she isn't there because (1) she declined to come and babysit your kids and (2) she is single?

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 14:15

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/09/2023 14:06

So basically she isn't there because (1) she declined to come and babysit your kids and (2) she is single?

Show quote history

Wow, that's mean and a bit of a leap.

  1. The only reason the babysitting is even relevant is to explain why our other friends are through there. And that she had previously stated she didn't want to commit to anything months in advance.
  1. Shes not single, but my partner has only spent 5 minutes in her partners company, whereas he is friendly with/has spent more time with the male half of the couple.
OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 26/09/2023 14:41

Yabu

MarsandMercury · 26/09/2023 14:42

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 13:22

Because I think people would be more understanding of us having our only 'couple' friends with us. Especially when we explain that they were though in the same town anyway.

Show quote history

But can't you see that as soon as you have friends there at all, you are leaving other friends out? So effectively you're saying to your very best friend 'sorry there are other more convenient and available friends to witness our wedding, and oh yes we are also inviting them out to afternoon tea to celebrate, but not you'. I'm really not one for drama in relationships, but I think this was a shitty, thoughtless thing to do, and I'd be desperately hurt in your friend's position.

MarsandMercury · 26/09/2023 14:45

Essentially: if you are eloping, you don't invite any friends. Otherwise it's not eloping, it's a small wedding with two old friends as witnesses but that leaves out your best friend. Would it really have been such a different day if your best friend had come along as well? You can't blame her for drawing conclusions about how unimportant you think she is in your life.

Ellie1015 · 26/09/2023 14:48

Come on, you know being unwilling to book leave/plan in advance to babysit is not the same as being unavailable for wedding.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 14:54

Ellie1015 · 26/09/2023 14:48

Come on, you know being unwilling to book leave/plan in advance to babysit is not the same as being unavailable for wedding.

No it's absolutely not the same, you're right.
But she said at that point she didn't want to commit to anything over the next few months as she didn't know how much help her daughter needed.

So why would I then ask her to commit to something? When she had already told me otherwise?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 26/09/2023 15:00

I m very surprised at the voting to be honest, I would have guessed at a resounding YABU! You call Lucy your best friend but have invited other friends to be the witnesses, of course she is going to be upset! How do you not see this?

Were you actually trying to punish her for not taking a day off work to baby sit for you? I cannot believe you even thought that was something you could ask. I'd be taking a big step back from you if I were Lucy.

The god daughter baby shower thing is completely separate, you couldn't make the date and that can't be helped.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 15:12

Aprilx · 26/09/2023 15:00

I m very surprised at the voting to be honest, I would have guessed at a resounding YABU! You call Lucy your best friend but have invited other friends to be the witnesses, of course she is going to be upset! How do you not see this?

Were you actually trying to punish her for not taking a day off work to baby sit for you? I cannot believe you even thought that was something you could ask. I'd be taking a big step back from you if I were Lucy.

The god daughter baby shower thing is completely separate, you couldn't make the date and that can't be helped.

Yes I call Lucy my best friend as evidenced by almost 40 years of friendship and when she was bridesmaid at my first wedding and fell pregnant in the run up to it, I moved the whole thing so that she could be there.
Being a bit older and wiser now I realise that the day itself really doesn't matter. (to me anyway, but our kids want a 'wedding' and this is our compromise.

Punish her for not taking a day off? Are you for real!?
I didn't think she'd be working as it's in between Christmas and New Year, I'd never ask someone to give up a days annual leave, everyone gets so few!

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 26/09/2023 15:15

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 14:54

No it's absolutely not the same, you're right.
But she said at that point she didn't want to commit to anything over the next few months as she didn't know how much help her daughter needed.

So why would I then ask her to commit to something? When she had already told me otherwise?

Show quote history

Because a wedding is momentous to many. Babysitting...less so.

Either you often have struggles reading social cues (can't think how to phrase that right) or are deliberately being naive here because you know deep down that it was a bit of a screw up.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 15:19

IhearyouClemFandango · 26/09/2023 15:15

Because a wedding is momentous to many. Babysitting...less so.

Either you often have struggles reading social cues (can't think how to phrase that right) or are deliberately being naive here because you know deep down that it was a bit of a screw up.

Show quote history

Don't generally have problems with social cues.
Surely it's only momentus to us, The ones getting married.
I can absolutely understand parents being upset if their children didn't invite them.

OP posts:
LoobyDop · 26/09/2023 15:51

I think you’re being really disingenuous. From what you’ve said, Lucy has always made it clear that she considers you her best friend and that part of that is that your wedding is important to her. For you to say, oh well, I don’t feel like that so surely nobody else does, is at best insensitive and ignoring/dismissing what she has explicitly told you. It doesn’t mean you have to get married in a way that makes her happy, but at least acknowledge that you very much aren’t doing that and that it isn’t surprising that she’s upset.

Dragonsandcats · 26/09/2023 15:58

I think you changed the dynamic of an elopement with random witnesses to a (very) small wedding by inviting your friends. I’m not surprised she’s hurt.

MarsandMercury · 26/09/2023 16:02

I think you're being disingenuous too, sorry. 'i couldn't possibly ask her to commit, she's busy, so I won't invite her at all' - seriously? You didn't even ask her, what a presumption!

Do you often struggle to admit you've fucked up? I have family who are like this and it's astounding the depths of the hole they'll dig just to avoid saying 'shit sorry, I was thoughtless - let me put this right'.

BarrelOfOtters · 26/09/2023 16:03

She's jealous. I would be in her shoes, I'd be really hurt that 2 other friends can go and she can't. Might not be rational or grown up - but I'd be really hurt.

stillavid · 26/09/2023 16:05

You are definitely being unreasonable but you don't so far be able to see it from Lucy's perspective at all.

I would be prepared for her to cool the friendship somewhat as you have shown her by your actions what you seem to think of her.

AliceOlive · 26/09/2023 16:10

I'm usually pretty blunt, But this is such an overreaction that I am now wondering is there something else going on with her?
Maybe I should just leave it for a while 🤷

Have a word with yourself. You don't get to decide that someone else's feelings in reaction to your decisions are an overreaction.

When you plan a momentous life event and leave out people who are close to you, the natural consequence is that they will recognize they are not as important in your life as they had hoped. It's true - you don't have the relationship she thought you had. So either getting married is no big deal to you, or Lucy is no big deal to you.

You have a right to have a low key wedding, but you can't do this without making some people feel badly.

Greenfluffybasket · 26/09/2023 16:14

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/09/2023 11:46

I'd imagine as your oldest and closest friend, the idea of having a less close friend be a witness hurts more than you just sourcing two strangers to rock up and do it.

If I were Lucy, I'd be curious as to the choice you made, probably a little hurt, and maybe just try and rationalise it that you and I aren't as close as maybe I assumed.

Whatever your wedding plans, you'd clearly prepped those closest to you that you didn't want any friends or family there. Yet now you've invited a friend. So other friends may wonder why not them.

It's your day, and your choice of course. But I think you'd have to be a little short sighted not to even imagine how Lucy feels at this point.

Absolutely this. You've been a bit of an idiot about it.

Aavalon57 · 26/09/2023 16:20

You initially said you were going to elope and have two random witnesses. Having your children along isn't actually eloping, so you were never eloping. You've now gone from two random witnesses to a couple who are actually close friends and they will also be coming to the afternoon tea. So in fact, your 'elopement' has turned into a small yet milestone occasion and you still can't see why Lucy is upset. Baby showers - I'm not keen on them myself but you are obviously an important part of Lucy's life and her daughter is your goddaughter, so I can see why she was upset about that, too. I've said that you are being unreasonable because sometimes it's not just about us at all but also about the people who are prominent in our lives. It seems you are more important to Lucy than she is to you. Has the friendship always been like this?

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