About this situation with my best friend?

[McQueensMuse]

I was always very clear that my second marriage would be an elopement, just us, our children and two witnesses (probably procured via mumsnet)
I told those important to me that this would be the case, My Dad, my best friend of almost 40 years (let's call her Lucy) and a few close girlfriends.

We are away for a trip in a couple of months and a couple who me and my partner both know well and spend time with are coming to the town we are in to look after our youngest two while we take the eldest children to a show on Friday. I suggested to my partner that as this couple were staying over that we should ask them to be our witnesses and see if we could arrange the marriage for the next day.

He thought this was a great idea, so I asked my friend if she and her partner would be our witnesses, booked the registrar, added two people to the afternoon tea we were already doing that day.
Wedding planned within 45 minutes and saved us a fortune by not booking a trip to get married at another point in the future as all the travel and accommodation costs were already paid, other than the legal fees it's costing us the price of two extra afternoon teas.

I was really excited and mentioned to my partner that I keep going to mention things about the day or my outfit that are being kept as a surprise for him and having to stop myself.
He said "I just assumed you were telling Lucy, you tell her everything"

So despite the fact that elopements are meant to be a secret, I decided to tell Lucy as I never suspected for a minute she'd be upset, I really thought I'd made myself very clear that we wouldn't be having a "wedding" as such, just buggering off and getting married.

But upset she is, very.
Saying how hurt she is that when I was telling her about it today I didn't ask her to come and how it never crossed my mind to include her in my celebration.

But we're not inviting anyone?

My Dad died a few months ago, but even if he were still alive even he wouldn't be 'invited'
It was actually one of the last face to face conversations I had with him and he was totally fine with it.

She then went on to say that she doesn't feel we are as close anymore (news to me) and that she was upset that I didn't come to my goddaughter's baby shower (her daughter) as it was a big day for them both.
Tentative dates for the shower were end of July/start of August, So I thought I'd be safe to book a trip for 2nd weekend in July. That's when the shower happened as my goddaughter ended up having a planned csection.
I get the feeling Lucy thinks I should have not booked anything for the whole of July so that I could definitely have attended the shower and maybe she's right? But that was four months ago I was told the date of the shower and said I couldn't make it and only now I'm hearing that it really upset her that I didn't attend.

I'm not even sure what to say to her now as I am really struggling to see what I've done wrong, Other than telling her!
(And not keeping the whole of July free for the baby shower)
I really wish I hadn't told her, I was so excited about getting married and now I'm just sad.

Am I being unreasonable here?

@OrderOfTheKookaburra Am I missing something? Who is offended about not making a fuss of who getting married?
It's been a long day and I've been reading a lot so I may have missed this bit.

Yes I did and I stand by what I said.

Sorry, just a side issue, really. Some people do get upset about the lack of fuss. You may not.

But the first point still stands. When something big happens in your life and you don't include your friends then they can, and do, get upset. Surely it's the point of friendships, to share important moments?

If it wasn't a big deal for you, you wouldn't be getting so excited about the planning of it. The fact that it is a big deal for you, but you are not including your friend in it, means she feels left out and sidelined.

But if she'd extended her guest list by another couple of people, then there would have been other people getting upset because they weren't included, and so on ad infinitum.

If you genuinely like a big wedding, great! But not so as to try to appease the potential hurt feelings of everyone not invited: that's likely to become a never-ending loop.

The one way in which OP could have possibly saved some stress and drama is the complete opposite: to avoid involving anyone she knew, and have strangers as witnesses.

Anyone who considers the main point of friendship as sharing milestones, and won't accept my wish for privacy (I'm really talking more about birthdays and funerals in my case!) would not be a good friend for me, any more than the other way around I suppose.

To me, friendship is about sharing interests; mutual support and help; acceptance of each other's idiosyncracies and strengths and weaknesses. Not about special days and milestones.

I'm not saying that Lucy necessarily IS denying the OP's right to privacy; she may have been hurt because the occasion WASN'T totally private in the end, and other friends were witnesses but not her. That's a bit more understandable. But accepting a friend's need for privacy regarding their milestones is just as much a part of friendship as anything else.

I agree . I'd be upset .

This!

I agree. You chose a less close friend over her. Of course she’s upset. Please don’t think of trying to tell her how she should feel, she can’t help the way she feels.

@ClairDeLaLune I wouldn't call Sue less close at all, We are very close.
I don't think I would try to tell Lucy how to feel.

Something that occured to me last night.

If (as seems to be the general consensus) a best friend should be witness/bridesmaid at every wedding (hopefully just the two mind) Should she then be godmother to ALL children or is it okay that other close friends get a 'turn'.
I was thinking that was fine but all the replies have made me think perhaps that too would be offensive amd hurtful.

I think the confusion is that you called Lucy your "best friend of nearly 40 years". That's a superlative that implies she is your closest friend, and then you go on to say that you have other close friends which implies they are not of the same standing as Lucy. If you have other equally close friends, I agree you don't always have to have the same witness/bridesmaid. But I still think you were thoughtless to Lucy and you are not eloping in the way most people would understand eloping to be - you are just having a very low key wedding.

Eloping isn’t what you are doing, you have booked a wedding and invited two friends and then rubbed it in the face of your best friend. Also one of you last face to face conversations with your dad was about you not inviting him to your wedding.., really? You sound self absorbed and don’t think about anyone else’s feelings.

How the fuck do you figure that out?
What a nasty bitchy thing to say!
My last face to face conversation with my Dad was weeks before he died unexpectedly, I wasn't stroking his hand on his death bed telling him he wasn't walking me down the aisle

Dad:is your divorce through yet?
Me:not yet
Dad:will you and DP get married?
Me:yeah but we'll just bugger off and do it, maybe in London, just two witnesses
Dad:That's a great idea

I'm not equating a wedding with a bit of babysitting at all - but the way it has turned out means you have collated the babysitting with the wedding anyway. She might see it as you being annoyed with her for not babysitting and have cut her out of the wedding seeing as your other friends are now the witnesses. They must be pretty good friends to be bothered to come and babysit for you (not sure why you couldn't just pay for a babysitter like most people would). I think you've messed up here - just disinvite your witnesses, pay for a babysitter and get two strangers to do the witnessing instead. Or ask your closest friend to the wedding. It doesn't matter why you've invited the babysitters to be witnesses, the fact is you have, and they're also your friends.

She knows that isn't the case. I was accused of that so many times on this thread yesterday that I brought it up and asked if she thought the same
"don't be bloody daft, of course not" was her reply.

The original plan was to drop DC off in hometown and collect on the way home, which is the babysitting I asked Lucy to do, forgetting that she now works in between Christmas and new year.
Another friend offered to do it but I then realised I'd booked the evening show rather than the matinee, Sue was there when I discovered my error and said that her and Bob were going to be through in that town and they'd just stay over and look after DC for us.

I shan't be changing any plans now, Upon Lucy's instruction and I wouldn't dream of disinviting Sue and Bob (how would THAT not be rude?) or having strangers watch my DC, If Sue and Bob hadn't offered I'd just have sent DP and the older DC to the show and I'd have stayed in the hotel with the wee ones.

@RunningFromInsanity I'm reading over the thread and wanted to ask you a question, If you don't mind answering?

What if you had already been bridesmaid at her first wedding? And it was so important to her that you were there that she changed her wedding date when you became pregnant so that you could still be bridesmaid?
Would that make any difference to how you felt or would you still feel hurt that she'd chosen another close friend to be witness?
(bearing in mind she had been very clear that the agreement was two witnesses and no other guests)

You are inviting people though! You’re inviting this couple. And not your best friend. Are you really surprised that she’s upset?! Why wouldn’t you want your ‘best friend’ at your wedding but you want this couple? Of course she’s hurt! You’re not going off with strangers or inviting nobody, you’ve just invited other people and not her.

@babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo
Yeah I was really surprised at her reaction as...

a) I had told her that DP and I had agreed on two witnesses only and she knew what a struggle it was to pick two where we weren't leaving out one half of a couple or 3 of four siblings.

b) I had gone to great lengths to ensure she was my bridesmaid at my first wedding and I really thought she wouldn't mind another close friend being witness at this one.

c) I didn't think she subscribed to the (apparently very common given a lot of the answers on this thread) opinion that the best friend is always the bridesmaid/witness, I guess the reason I thought this may be because although I am godmother to her first born, other friends/relatives are godmother to her younger children so I (wrongly) assumed she would be okay with my decision. (I was fine with the whole godmother thing, in fact it didn't even occur to me until mulling over this thread yesterday)

If I was a bridesmaid before I wouldn’t automatically assume I would be one at a second wedding but I would like to think I would be invited. To me that’s what would hurt.

I would be fine if it was just you, your partner, any kids and even your parents but the fact that other friends are invited, even if it’s just as witnesses, that would be hurtful and feel I am not as close as I thought we were

You can say it’s an elopement, no big deal, they are just there to sign a piece of paper but it’s not an elopement it’s a low key wedding that you have invited friends to and left other close friends out of

Well you are usually only godmother to one child if you mean you should have been godmother to all her children.

You invited two friends to your wedding and didn't invite your best friend of 40 years...you invited 2 other friends. Of course she's hurt!

@BarrelOfOtters I wasn't aware of that, I'm not religious in the slightest.
I don't mean I should have been godmother to all the children, as I said above it didn't even occur to me until last night. I simply wondered if it was thought of as another situation where the best friend takes precedence or do others get a crack at it.

Yes I asked two people close to both me and my partner to be witnesses at my wedding at which we are having only two witnesses and our children.
I'm sorry it's upset my best friend but it wasn't done to upset anyone as I've explained there were no two easy choices and we'd resigned ourselves to finding strangers on the internet until now.

The problem is that you've made a big fuss about not wanting a fuss, whilst making a fuss that you want to talk to her about but not include her in.

If you wanted someone to share the fun about dresses and what you were wearing, you should have directed that to your witnesses. Not the person you were choosing not to invite the message you are giving is that she isnt close enough to be invited but she will do for getting excited for you. Very selfish.

You ought to have put a bit more thought into how you told her, probably after the event and skimming over who the witnesses were, rather than doing it like a bull in a china shop on a whim. That's why shes pissed off with you. You didn't even tell her decently and still wanted her to gossip with while leaving her out.

Whilst it's true that the conversation about telling Lucy originated from my saying to DP about me having to stop myself speaking to him about dresses/surprises on the day as no one else knew (Is that really considered making a fuss?)

I certainly didn't tell her because I wanted to talk flowers and frills (surprisingly we have very different taste in clothes and shoes too, she'd have me in a ballgown whilst I'm planning on wearing a jumper dress I've got in the cupboard)

So, no I didn't tell her just so I had someone to gossip with. I told her because DP said he didn't mind if I did, I'm a rubbish secret keeper (my own, not other peoples) and thought it would be better than her finding out at the same time as everyone else. In hindsight that was my first mistake.

I definitely should have put more thought into how I told her but I only get 15 minutes to speak to her a couple of times a week while she's driving to work so I did just blurt it out.

Yeah I think it’s in poor taste to want to gossip about your wedding to someone who would dearly love to be there but isn’t invited. It’s not that she needs to fill all of those important roles (bridesmaid/godparent) but that you’re excitedly telling her about all the preparation for something you’ve equally said you want to be so low key she can’t come.

You’ve been a bit clumsy with this one.

@Jellycatspyjamas no I'm not, see above response, we posted at the same(ish) time!
I wasn't phoning to gossip with her, that's just how the conversation about DP not minding if she knew came about!
Haven't so much as mentioned any details as given her response of course it would be in poor taste.

It's funny how people can make so much about themselves!
Your wedding plans sound just perfect. Spontaneous and fun.
Enjoy your day, don't let anything hinder your excitement.
Congratulations 🎉