About this situation with my best friend?

[McQueensMuse]

I was always very clear that my second marriage would be an elopement, just us, our children and two witnesses (probably procured via mumsnet)
I told those important to me that this would be the case, My Dad, my best friend of almost 40 years (let's call her Lucy) and a few close girlfriends.

We are away for a trip in a couple of months and a couple who me and my partner both know well and spend time with are coming to the town we are in to look after our youngest two while we take the eldest children to a show on Friday. I suggested to my partner that as this couple were staying over that we should ask them to be our witnesses and see if we could arrange the marriage for the next day.

He thought this was a great idea, so I asked my friend if she and her partner would be our witnesses, booked the registrar, added two people to the afternoon tea we were already doing that day.
Wedding planned within 45 minutes and saved us a fortune by not booking a trip to get married at another point in the future as all the travel and accommodation costs were already paid, other than the legal fees it's costing us the price of two extra afternoon teas.

I was really excited and mentioned to my partner that I keep going to mention things about the day or my outfit that are being kept as a surprise for him and having to stop myself.
He said "I just assumed you were telling Lucy, you tell her everything"

So despite the fact that elopements are meant to be a secret, I decided to tell Lucy as I never suspected for a minute she'd be upset, I really thought I'd made myself very clear that we wouldn't be having a "wedding" as such, just buggering off and getting married.

But upset she is, very.
Saying how hurt she is that when I was telling her about it today I didn't ask her to come and how it never crossed my mind to include her in my celebration.

But we're not inviting anyone?

My Dad died a few months ago, but even if he were still alive even he wouldn't be 'invited'
It was actually one of the last face to face conversations I had with him and he was totally fine with it.

She then went on to say that she doesn't feel we are as close anymore (news to me) and that she was upset that I didn't come to my goddaughter's baby shower (her daughter) as it was a big day for them both.
Tentative dates for the shower were end of July/start of August, So I thought I'd be safe to book a trip for 2nd weekend in July. That's when the shower happened as my goddaughter ended up having a planned csection.
I get the feeling Lucy thinks I should have not booked anything for the whole of July so that I could definitely have attended the shower and maybe she's right? But that was four months ago I was told the date of the shower and said I couldn't make it and only now I'm hearing that it really upset her that I didn't attend.

I'm not even sure what to say to her now as I am really struggling to see what I've done wrong, Other than telling her!
(And not keeping the whole of July free for the baby shower)
I really wish I hadn't told her, I was so excited about getting married and now I'm just sad.

Am I being unreasonable here?

Thanks @CC222 although the voting poll thing is a fairly even split, The comments aren't so that was nice of you to post. But it is AIBU I suppose, So it's the chance you take.

@McQueensMuse I haven't read all the comments, but I get the gist.
I understand why your friend may feel a little hurt. But it's unfair of her to take this all so personally and start bringing up other things that she hadn't previously expressed she wasn't happy about.
How you get married is down to you and your hubby to be. No one has a right to get upset by your decisions, or make it about themselves. 40 years of friendship doesn't make her entitled to be a part of any big life decisions you make. You even wouldn't have had your late Dad there, so that seems to me to be very clear on the fact you want it to be a very personal experience for just you, hubby to be and kids.
You haven't gone out of your way to plan things to intentionally leave her out. You jumped on an opportunity that happened to come about by other friends coming to mind your children while you're already away for the weekend. That's a fantastic idea.
Don't let anyone ruin your buzz... keep talking to your husband and kids, and even the friends who will be the witnesses, to share excitement with. If anyone else is putting a downer on it, maybe just give them some space for now.
You're allowed to get married any way you please. And you're allowed to enjoy the excitement of it all. You're marrying for love and commitment, not to please anyone who thinks they're entitled to be involved in your big day.

Congratulations again, I hope you and your family have the best day ever... 🎉

Well that one made me cry in a good way @CC222 Thanks again.

♥️

Hi OP,

I'm very surprised at the replies here. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

You decided to elope. Your couple friends are there anyway and they can be witnesses. Perfect. Your friend has her hands full anyway.

Mind you, I may be biased as (check my username) it is touching a nerve.

I hope you have a lovely day.

@Buttoutofmywedding c'mon we'll have a double elopement and really put the cat among the pigeons 😁

(that was a joke by the way, before anyone gets offended)

You are definitely being unreasonable to not understand why she's hurt.

"We are getting married and none of our friends will be there" is obviously different to "we are getting married and only these two friends will be there, and not only have I chosen them to be involved in the wedding, we specifically planned the wedding so they were involved".

Your thought process was "oh, well John and Sarah are free to babysit on X date so why don't we schedule the wedding so they can witness it and then we'll go for afternoon tea". There's no reason why that plan is any different to finding out a date Lucy was free for dinner and throwing in her witnessing your wedding beforehand. So you have clearly chosen those friends over Lucy, and it's fair that she's hurt.

You could be each other’s witnesses!

But your framing isn't what happened. It's not "we planned our wedding and wow, Sarah and John happen to be in the area to witness it!"

It's "we made plans to see Sarah and John then decided to add our wedding on top of that so they could be our witnesses".

That's a deliberate choice to include Sarah and John and not anyone else. Which OP is not unreasonable to do, but is unreasonable to pretend she can't understand why it's hurtful to her best friend of 40 years.

Not once did I say to Lucy or anyone that we would have no friends there, I said we were having two witnesses. Is everyone reading witnesses as strangers? Because that's not what I said to Lucy, Dad and the girls.

We'd resigned ourselves to strangers as we couldn't figure out one witness each that didn't cause a ruckus.

So the plans are very different

DP and 'Bob' have become very friendly so it's no longer a case of my friend Sue and her man but having two people we both want at the wedding.

Problem solved 😁

"You sound self absorbed and don’t think about anyone else’s feelings."

It's the OP's wedding. Why should anyone else's feelings (apart from the groom's) be thought about?

Sometimes we don't get to be part of our friends' special moments. As adults surely we can accept that and be happy for them. Not much point in friendship if it has a list of requirements that must be fulfilled in order for the friendship to exist.

I think Lucy is over reacting but then she's also over reacting about you not making a baby shower that she didn't commit a date to the time period she gave. Also you've not chosen the other couple specifically but just went with them as it presented the opportunity when they were here anyway babysitting. But I think she's annoyed you've asked them. And it's ok if she's a bit annoyed as she would have liked to have been there but anything past that is a bit much imo. It's your day and you are entitled to have it your way

@Gcsunnyside23 thank you.

Thank you for that and you know what? You're absolutely spot on!

I can give no decent advice on godparents as I have not been christened and know nothing about it. But, I think from my childhood and my cousins, that usually each child has two completely different ones so that if ever there is a huge family catastrophe each child has two people to look after them. I know that is the case for my cousins who were christened.

I can't think of anyone (in my age group anyway) who has different godparents from their siblings. I thought this was in case the parents died the siblings would go to the same home.
But, I'm an atheist so am just guessing.

Me too, unusual you are a godparent and an atheist?

All I know is that with my family and friends and christenings each child has different ones. I need my nan’s advice she would know instantly but no longer alive.

Well I was eighteen at the time so had no problem with the hypocrisy of it then.
I like being her godmother though, She's a darling.
I'm sorry you lost your Nan, It's horrible when you think 'Oh, I'll ask them such and such' but they're not there to ask.