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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this situation with my best friend?

144 replies

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 11:42

I was always very clear that my second marriage would be an elopement, just us, our children and two witnesses (probably procured via mumsnet)
I told those important to me that this would be the case, My Dad, my best friend of almost 40 years (let's call her Lucy) and a few close girlfriends.

We are away for a trip in a couple of months and a couple who me and my partner both know well and spend time with are coming to the town we are in to look after our youngest two while we take the eldest children to a show on Friday. I suggested to my partner that as this couple were staying over that we should ask them to be our witnesses and see if we could arrange the marriage for the next day.

He thought this was a great idea, so I asked my friend if she and her partner would be our witnesses, booked the registrar, added two people to the afternoon tea we were already doing that day.
Wedding planned within 45 minutes and saved us a fortune by not booking a trip to get married at another point in the future as all the travel and accommodation costs were already paid, other than the legal fees it's costing us the price of two extra afternoon teas.

I was really excited and mentioned to my partner that I keep going to mention things about the day or my outfit that are being kept as a surprise for him and having to stop myself.
He said "I just assumed you were telling Lucy, you tell her everything"

So despite the fact that elopements are meant to be a secret, I decided to tell Lucy as I never suspected for a minute she'd be upset, I really thought I'd made myself very clear that we wouldn't be having a "wedding" as such, just buggering off and getting married.

But upset she is, very.
Saying how hurt she is that when I was telling her about it today I didn't ask her to come and how it never crossed my mind to include her in my celebration.

But we're not inviting anyone?

My Dad died a few months ago, but even if he were still alive even he wouldn't be 'invited'
It was actually one of the last face to face conversations I had with him and he was totally fine with it.

She then went on to say that she doesn't feel we are as close anymore (news to me) and that she was upset that I didn't come to my goddaughter's baby shower (her daughter) as it was a big day for them both.
Tentative dates for the shower were end of July/start of August, So I thought I'd be safe to book a trip for 2nd weekend in July. That's when the shower happened as my goddaughter ended up having a planned csection.
I get the feeling Lucy thinks I should have not booked anything for the whole of July so that I could definitely have attended the shower and maybe she's right? But that was four months ago I was told the date of the shower and said I couldn't make it and only now I'm hearing that it really upset her that I didn't attend.

I'm not even sure what to say to her now as I am really struggling to see what I've done wrong, Other than telling her!
(And not keeping the whole of July free for the baby shower)
I really wish I hadn't told her, I was so excited about getting married and now I'm just sad.

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
SheerLucks · 26/09/2023 22:22

I think this is one off those situations where Lucy would have been quite justified for having a moan to her DH and maybe other close friends, but she shouldn't have been so direct with you.

IME as soon as someone, friend or partner, makes it clear they've been hurt (over something relatively minor like this) it skews the relationship forever.

Whataretheodds · 26/09/2023 22:30

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 11:54

She says it's not that she's jealous or upset our other friends are being witnesses,She agrees that it makes sense as they are there anyway.

But she's hurt that I haven't asked her to come at all.
But then it becomes not an elopement with just us and two witnesses as was always the plan.

Show quote history

But it's already not an elopement - you've got 2 friends there.

Whataretheodds · 26/09/2023 22:31

Have you asked her what she thought you should have done differently re the baby shower? Were there crossed wires?

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 22:36

I know what you mean @SheerLucks but fingers crossed it will all be okay.

We've apologised to each other, I've agreed that it was thoughtless to tell her over the phone and catch her off guard and that I would never intentionally hurt her, she says knows that and she's apologised for over-reacting and it was more to do with whatever was causing her to have an emotional day and also that the baby shower thing was really nothing to do with it.
I've hurt her feelings and I accept that.
She's hurt mine and she accepts that.
Hopefully we can put it behind us.

OP posts:
Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 22:40

Whataretheodds · 26/09/2023 22:30

But it's already not an elopement - you've got 2 friends there.

Show quote history

But then if I have a friend there, then my partner's friend should be invited and he'll want his wife to come as she's a friend of my partner also, then my mum will (pretend to) be offended and before you know it we're needing the big room and afternoon tea for twenty.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 26/09/2023 22:42

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 22:40

But then if I have a friend there, then my partner's friend should be invited and he'll want his wife to come as she's a friend of my partner also, then my mum will (pretend to) be offended and before you know it we're needing the big room and afternoon tea for twenty.

Show quote history

Which is presumably why you weren't going to have any guests there in the original plan, but now you are.

I'm not saying change your plans, just that I can understand why Lucy is upset.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 22:44

Whataretheodds · 26/09/2023 22:31

Have you asked her what she thought you should have done differently re the baby shower? Were there crossed wires?

We spoke about it today and I told her that if she had said she was so upset that I wasn't going to make it I would have cancelled my trip and that (as a previous poster) suggested we both have place different values on 'functions'
She agreed that she should have said at the time and that the baby shower had nothing to do with what was going on just now.

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 22:52

This is what happens when you elope. I mean, the entire reason behind eloping is to do it without all the people you’d usually include in a significant day, such as a wedding.

It’s your day, and you should do it how you want to do it. But. That doesn’t mean people who care about you won’t be pissed off (at worst), hurt (at best) by not being included.

🤷🏻‍♀️

You’re getting the day you want, so that’s all that matters. You’ve cleared the air with her, so hopefully all is OK.

P.S. I have a best friend of 40+ years and can’t even begin to imagine doing this to her - I am literally 😱 at the thought - but we’re all different.

GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 22:56

Re the baby shower - it seems pretty obvious to me.

She was probably a bit miffed you weren’t there, but understood why, and so put it behind her.

Then this happens. And yes, she’s probably thinking - actually, Muse really doesn’t appear to be all that bothered these days.

And so - something that would probably have stayed laid to rest, has been resurfaced.

Tbry · 26/09/2023 23:03

Myself and my partner hope to one day have a small wedding, just the two of us and two witnesses. We do not have close families or friends so are struggling with witnesses. I asked my closest friend, similar length of friendship to you and Lucy, who declined and regardless of date or location will not ever be my witness. I cannot imagine my closest friend not being there so we have postponed the wedding for now. Still very hard to deal with as we were at her wedding but she does not want to be at ours.

You do not seem to regard your closest friendship in the same way? Of course Lucy is feeling very hurt and upset she would presume she will be a witness.

Please just invite her, life is too short to hurt our closest friends.

Also I am unsure about your eldest children’s ages but over 16s can be witnesses so if you had waited until the eldest are that age you would not have needed anyone else.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2023 23:05

GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 22:56

Re the baby shower - it seems pretty obvious to me.

She was probably a bit miffed you weren’t there, but understood why, and so put it behind her.

Then this happens. And yes, she’s probably thinking - actually, Muse really doesn’t appear to be all that bothered these days.

And so - something that would probably have stayed laid to rest, has been resurfaced.

Completely agree with this. If she was looking for signs she’s not as important to you as she’d thought then she can easily find them. She’s said the two aren’t connected but they will be.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 23:06

GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 22:56

Re the baby shower - it seems pretty obvious to me.

She was probably a bit miffed you weren’t there, but understood why, and so put it behind her.

Then this happens. And yes, she’s probably thinking - actually, Muse really doesn’t appear to be all that bothered these days.

And so - something that would probably have stayed laid to rest, has been resurfaced.

Yeah I think you've hit the nail on the head regarding the baby shower.

Just out of pure interest, You say you can't imagine doing this to your best friend, Would that still be the case if she had already been a bridesmaid at your first wedding or should it make no difference if it's a second, third even fourth wedding?
Is it simply a case of the best friend should always always be first choice for bridesmaid/witness and tough luck to all other friends?
I feel that comes across as a bit snide, it's not my intention, I'm genuinely interested in your opinion.

OP posts:
Tbry · 26/09/2023 23:06

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2023 23:05

Completely agree with this. If she was looking for signs she’s not as important to you as she’d thought then she can easily find them. She’s said the two aren’t connected but they will be.

Show quote history

I agree of course they are now linked in Lucy’s head.

Tbry · 26/09/2023 23:08

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 23:06

Yeah I think you've hit the nail on the head regarding the baby shower.

Just out of pure interest, You say you can't imagine doing this to your best friend, Would that still be the case if she had already been a bridesmaid at your first wedding or should it make no difference if it's a second, third even fourth wedding?
Is it simply a case of the best friend should always always be first choice for bridesmaid/witness and tough luck to all other friends?
I feel that comes across as a bit snide, it's not my intention, I'm genuinely interested in your opinion.

Show quote history

If she is your best friend she should be asked to be your witness….even if it was your 10th wedding.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 23:09

Tbry · 26/09/2023 23:03

Myself and my partner hope to one day have a small wedding, just the two of us and two witnesses. We do not have close families or friends so are struggling with witnesses. I asked my closest friend, similar length of friendship to you and Lucy, who declined and regardless of date or location will not ever be my witness. I cannot imagine my closest friend not being there so we have postponed the wedding for now. Still very hard to deal with as we were at her wedding but she does not want to be at ours.

You do not seem to regard your closest friendship in the same way? Of course Lucy is feeling very hurt and upset she would presume she will be a witness.

Please just invite her, life is too short to hurt our closest friends.

Also I am unsure about your eldest children’s ages but over 16s can be witnesses so if you had waited until the eldest are that age you would not have needed anyone else.

The eldest two are 12 & 14 so would have to wait a fair bit.
I wish registrars offices offered a rent a witness service, Would save so much hassle.

OP posts:
Tbry · 26/09/2023 23:11

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 23:09

The eldest two are 12 & 14 so would have to wait a fair bit.
I wish registrars offices offered a rent a witness service, Would save so much hassle.

Show quote history

I agree. The chances of me/us finding two strangers on the day who would agree is zero percent.

Btw congratulations on your upcoming wedding 💐

GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 23:12

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 23:06

Yeah I think you've hit the nail on the head regarding the baby shower.

Just out of pure interest, You say you can't imagine doing this to your best friend, Would that still be the case if she had already been a bridesmaid at your first wedding or should it make no difference if it's a second, third even fourth wedding?
Is it simply a case of the best friend should always always be first choice for bridesmaid/witness and tough luck to all other friends?
I feel that comes across as a bit snide, it's not my intention, I'm genuinely interested in your opinion.

Show quote history

I can’t really answer that - purely because I would never elope.

Eloping literally necessitates excluding important people. Not for me.

I don’t know who I’d necessarily have as a BM or witness the second time around - but I would absolutely have them there in some capacity.

GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 23:15

Honestly for something that’s ostensibly a ‘low drama’ option, elopement (or, at least your elopement) seems very, very fraught. Worth it?

Surely it would’ve been easier all round to extend the guest list by a couple of people. It still could have been low key, stress free and done on a tiny budget.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 23:23

Fingers crossed it will prove to be just today that has been a bit stressful and I should hope that yes, getting married to the person I love will be worth it.

OP posts:
junbean · 26/09/2023 23:30

I don't understand why adults need coddling so much. It's YOUR wedding. You can do whatever you want! If someone gets their feelings hurt over that they are either extremely selfish or emotionally unstable. It's equally selfish to tell you just before your event as well! Had it been me as the friend and I was hurt, I would have pretended to by happy and excited too, so not to spoil your big moment. She's messed it all up because she was thinking of herself.

junbean · 26/09/2023 23:32

"Not as close" = not putting her first all the time

Macaroni46 · 26/09/2023 23:35

If I was Lucy I'd be devastated. And I wouldn't be your friend anymore. How you can't see how hurtful this is, I don't know.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 23:39

@Macaroni46 Did you read the whole thread?

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 26/09/2023 23:46

Agree with pp that with the baby shower and now this wedding situation if I was Lucy I would be starting to take a step back from you as it does look that you don’t want to share key moments of each other’s life

You say you place different values on functions but if my closest friend of 40 years chose another friend to be a witness at their wedding it would hurt.

Fine if you want to elope (although a four month planned ceremony with people you know as witnesses is not what I know an elopement to be) but inviting some friends to play such an important role is obviously going to be noticed and commented on

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/09/2023 23:58

This is the reality of elopements. People get upset that they don't get to share your special day.

YOU want your wedding day to be a low key, private affair, but others see it as sharing your milestones.

If people want to elope, that's fine with me, but don't get offended if I don't make a fuss of you getting married then.