Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this situation with my best friend?

144 replies

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 11:42

I was always very clear that my second marriage would be an elopement, just us, our children and two witnesses (probably procured via mumsnet)
I told those important to me that this would be the case, My Dad, my best friend of almost 40 years (let's call her Lucy) and a few close girlfriends.

We are away for a trip in a couple of months and a couple who me and my partner both know well and spend time with are coming to the town we are in to look after our youngest two while we take the eldest children to a show on Friday. I suggested to my partner that as this couple were staying over that we should ask them to be our witnesses and see if we could arrange the marriage for the next day.

He thought this was a great idea, so I asked my friend if she and her partner would be our witnesses, booked the registrar, added two people to the afternoon tea we were already doing that day.
Wedding planned within 45 minutes and saved us a fortune by not booking a trip to get married at another point in the future as all the travel and accommodation costs were already paid, other than the legal fees it's costing us the price of two extra afternoon teas.

I was really excited and mentioned to my partner that I keep going to mention things about the day or my outfit that are being kept as a surprise for him and having to stop myself.
He said "I just assumed you were telling Lucy, you tell her everything"

So despite the fact that elopements are meant to be a secret, I decided to tell Lucy as I never suspected for a minute she'd be upset, I really thought I'd made myself very clear that we wouldn't be having a "wedding" as such, just buggering off and getting married.

But upset she is, very.
Saying how hurt she is that when I was telling her about it today I didn't ask her to come and how it never crossed my mind to include her in my celebration.

But we're not inviting anyone?

My Dad died a few months ago, but even if he were still alive even he wouldn't be 'invited'
It was actually one of the last face to face conversations I had with him and he was totally fine with it.

She then went on to say that she doesn't feel we are as close anymore (news to me) and that she was upset that I didn't come to my goddaughter's baby shower (her daughter) as it was a big day for them both.
Tentative dates for the shower were end of July/start of August, So I thought I'd be safe to book a trip for 2nd weekend in July. That's when the shower happened as my goddaughter ended up having a planned csection.
I get the feeling Lucy thinks I should have not booked anything for the whole of July so that I could definitely have attended the shower and maybe she's right? But that was four months ago I was told the date of the shower and said I couldn't make it and only now I'm hearing that it really upset her that I didn't attend.

I'm not even sure what to say to her now as I am really struggling to see what I've done wrong, Other than telling her!
(And not keeping the whole of July free for the baby shower)
I really wish I hadn't told her, I was so excited about getting married and now I'm just sad.

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
mushroomushroom · 26/09/2023 16:23

I didn't think she'd be working as it's in between Christmas and New Year, I'd never ask someone to give up a days annual leave, everyone gets so few!

Earlier on you said that when you asked her to babysit she said she couldn't take annual leave, so it reads to everyone here that you did in fact ask her to take annual leave to babysit...

TidyDancer · 26/09/2023 16:40

I think you've been incredibly thoughtless over this tbh. I understand completely how Lucy is feeling, and you've made the whole thing worse by not just holding your hands up, admitting you've fucked up (albeit unintentionally) and just apologising for that.

It all just sounds a bit of a mess really. Hopefully if you apologise she will understand you didn't mean to upset her but I wouldn't be too surprised if this takes a while to settle.

Cola2023 · 26/09/2023 16:42

Elopement doesn't normally involve all this planning and talking about it for months in advance.

It's a small, planned wedding.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 16:46

AliceOlive · 26/09/2023 16:10

I'm usually pretty blunt, But this is such an overreaction that I am now wondering is there something else going on with her?
Maybe I should just leave it for a while 🤷

Have a word with yourself. You don't get to decide that someone else's feelings in reaction to your decisions are an overreaction.

When you plan a momentous life event and leave out people who are close to you, the natural consequence is that they will recognize they are not as important in your life as they had hoped. It's true - you don't have the relationship she thought you had. So either getting married is no big deal to you, or Lucy is no big deal to you.

You have a right to have a low key wedding, but you can't do this without making some people feel badly.

No I don't get to decide that, However seeing as I have known her most of her life I'd say I could tell when she's not herself.

Maybe not that great at predicting whether or not she would be upset right enough.

Just spoke to her and cleared the air.

She was having an emotional day for reasons she didn't have time to talk about this afternoon and we will catch up properly next week.

I apologised that I'd upset her and she apologised for bringing the non attendance of the baby shower into it as it has nothing to do with it.

Hopefully get a longet chat soon.

OP posts:
ToWhitToWhoo · 26/09/2023 16:49

To be honest: I would be a little more sympathetic to Lucy's reaction over the marriage incident if she weren't also making a fuss about the baby shower (her daughter's; not even her own). I think that the OP's handling of the former was a little tactless, though hardly the crime of the century. But in combination, it seems that Lucy is at best in a jealous mood, and at worst is treating real and imagined rules of etiquette about ceremonies as more important than everyday friendship.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 16:50

Cola2023 · 26/09/2023 16:42

Elopement doesn't normally involve all this planning and talking about it for months in advance.

It's a small, planned wedding.

You've to hand in the documents to the registrars ideally three months before the date of the wedding so I think it probably does, That's really the only 'planning' I've done other than add two people to a booking and booked a bigger taxi.

OP posts:
Cerealforever · 26/09/2023 16:50

MarsandMercury · 26/09/2023 14:45

Essentially: if you are eloping, you don't invite any friends. Otherwise it's not eloping, it's a small wedding with two old friends as witnesses but that leaves out your best friend. Would it really have been such a different day if your best friend had come along as well? You can't blame her for drawing conclusions about how unimportant you think she is in your life.

Edited

This.

Hotcuppatea · 26/09/2023 16:53

Come on. You must understand why she's upset. Forget the baby shower thing. You should have had either complete strangers or asked her to be your witness.

Hankunamatata · 26/09/2023 16:57

But your not eloping your having two close friends as witnesses. Of course your other friend will feel snubbed and hurt

TossieFleacake · 26/09/2023 17:09

MarsandMercury · 26/09/2023 12:37

You didn't elope though, you had two close friends there and went out for a celebratory tea afterwards! I'd be incredibly hurt if I were Lucy, sorry.

This!!!

You have chosen other long standing, good friends to be your witnesses.
You have, in fact, booked your wedding to coincide with their availability.

I think Lucy has every right to feel hurt and less important to you than she thought.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 17:22

Hotcuppatea · 26/09/2023 16:53

Come on. You must understand why she's upset. Forget the baby shower thing. You should have had either complete strangers or asked her to be your witness.

Okay, I see what you're saying.

You say it should have been Lucy or strangers.

But then it becomes a thing bigger than either of us want it to be.

I'm not expecting you or anyone to solve this for me but just to put forward my thinking behind it.

If I had Lucy as my witness, Then who do we get for my partners witness?

In an ideal world, it would be my best friend and his best friend.

His best friend, Not an option as he died a couple of years ago.

His closest friend lives far away and as he is friendly with his wife too, She would expect to be invited.

He has four siblings, Which three of them should he piss off?

So asking Sue and Bob seemed like the option that would cause the least fuss and meant that I wasn't stressed out in case we couldn't find strangers to be witnesses

That hasn't really worked out the way I'd hoped, But as others have said just because it it wouldn't upset me, doesn't mean it wouldn't upset others.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 26/09/2023 18:22

But your scenarios you just mentioned are the exact reason why Lucy is upset. You changed the dynamic by asking friends.

You should have just invited strangers and not included an afternoon tea.

And booking leave for a wedding far more likely than to babysit. The first I'd make an effort for. It would also go down better at my work, especially in peak periods.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 18:44

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/09/2023 18:22

But your scenarios you just mentioned are the exact reason why Lucy is upset. You changed the dynamic by asking friends.

You should have just invited strangers and not included an afternoon tea.

And booking leave for a wedding far more likely than to babysit. The first I'd make an effort for. It would also go down better at my work, especially in peak periods.

"And booking leave for a wedding far more likely than to babysit. The first I'd make an effort for. It would also go down better at my work, especially in peak periods"

There was no wedding at that point and I wrongly assumed she'd be off work so wasn't asking her to take leave for anything at all. I feel like I've said this so many times.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 26/09/2023 19:00

You have said it, I saw that. But you were the one that used it as a reason against her.

I'd not use previous leave to babysit, but I would for a wedding. There's a massive difference.

But it matters not. The issue is you aren't eloping - you are having two friends at a very intimate celebration instead.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 19:09

@SquishyGloopyBum The wedding is on a Saturday so she wouldn't need leave as doesn't work weekends.

I used that conversation purely to highlight the fact that she said during the same conversation that she didn't want to commit to anything at all over the next few months as my goddaughter might need a lot of help.

So even if it was feasible to invite her, I would be loathe to ask as it would feel a bit like "I know you've already said you don't want to commit to anything but surely being a witness at my wedding is far more important than helping your daughter"
Or do you think that would have been an okay thing to do?
Genuinely asking, Not being snarky.
In your view (and any others reading) would that not have been out of order and a bit pushy?

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 26/09/2023 19:25

Honestly op, it wouldn't have been pushy to ask that at all.

I find it strange you'd think it would be to be honest.

I'm pleased you are reflecting on all this though. Smile

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 19:32

I just think when someone sets a boundary like that it should be respected.
I'd be pissed off and feel under pressure to attend if I'd already stated that I didn't want to commit to anything and then that same person asked me to do something at exactly the same time of year.
But perhaps that comes down to me not seeing weddings as a big deal and maybe therefore exempt from the 'not committing to anything' situation?

OP posts:
Justhereforaibu1 · 26/09/2023 19:32

Sorry OP you're in the wrong here. You said you're not having anyone to the wedding, but you are. You should have asked 2 strangers. I can understand why your friend is upset. She is being unreasonable about the baby shower though.

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/09/2023 21:08

You are being very black and white over it- talk of setting down a boundary.

Taking your analogy though- you set a clear boundary saying you wanted to elope. You then changed that and invited two friends.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 21:21

I did consider that to be eloping though, I thought eloping was buggering off to somewhere you don't live and having just two witnesses, regardless of who they were.
The modern version anyway, not the running off to gretna without your parents permission.
We're a fair bit past needing parental permission.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/09/2023 21:35

McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 21:21

I did consider that to be eloping though, I thought eloping was buggering off to somewhere you don't live and having just two witnesses, regardless of who they were.
The modern version anyway, not the running off to gretna without your parents permission.
We're a fair bit past needing parental permission.

Eloping these days I think means buggering off to get married and not telling anyone till you're back.

Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 21:39

Nanny0gg · 26/09/2023 21:35

Eloping these days I think means buggering off to get married and not telling anyone till you're back.

Show quote history

Well I certainly wish I'd stuck with that version now.

OP posts:
Original poster
McQueensMuse · 26/09/2023 21:42

I'm definitely not telling anybody else.
I don't think any of my other friends would be upset but it could (clearly) go either way and I'm not taking that chance.

OP posts:
ToWhitToWhoo · 26/09/2023 22:10

AliceOlive · 26/09/2023 16:10

I'm usually pretty blunt, But this is such an overreaction that I am now wondering is there something else going on with her?
Maybe I should just leave it for a while 🤷

Have a word with yourself. You don't get to decide that someone else's feelings in reaction to your decisions are an overreaction.

When you plan a momentous life event and leave out people who are close to you, the natural consequence is that they will recognize they are not as important in your life as they had hoped. It's true - you don't have the relationship she thought you had. So either getting married is no big deal to you, or Lucy is no big deal to you.

You have a right to have a low key wedding, but you can't do this without making some people feel badly.

I feel that's unfair to all people who don't choose to have big celebrations of their life events.

I know quite a few people who chose not to have big weddings, or who simply eloped. Their marriages are just as important to them as those of people who did choose to have big celebrations.

momtoboys · 26/09/2023 22:13

I don;t know that you are being unreasonable - it is your wedding after all. However, I would be hurt if I were Lucy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread