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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to pay for an escort?

148 replies

unexpectedalliances · 25/09/2023 23:43

Hear me out ... 20 year relationship and my partner and I had good sex to start with (I'd orgasm when I was in 'control'), but would make him take control to slow me down - he's never been the one to make me come unless I had a lot of mental imagery. Since a pelvic floor avulsion tear (and several kids) my sex drive bottomed out and my orgasms are shite. It's come out that for 15 years he's been seeing escorts and I've suddenly realised he's put no effort into my arousal for a really really long time (probably the 15 years) and I was just thinking it was me because I've not been getting aroused (but I've been head in the sand). We want to try and make it work but I have rediscovered my sec drive and realise the physical part of sex with him isn't that great. I want to know if it's my body's physical changes that have stopped it or if it's just him. I'm thinking a sex worker might be more skilled at figuring me out .. and at least I'd get an answer? Or so they just own a penis and likely to be as good or not as the next bloke?

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 25/09/2023 23:45

Can't you work it out solo?

15 years of him cheating on you using sex workers, a group of women who are highly likely to be trafficked and abused. Is he really with hanging on to?

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/09/2023 23:47

Using another human as a sex object is gross OP. Don’t do it. I think you just want to get back at him.

Original poster
unexpectedalliances · 25/09/2023 23:47

Solo used to be all clitoral for me. The orgasms are way smaller now, I've never been into gadgets, wanting to figure it out with a real person. As for worth hanging onto, I really dont know yet.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 25/09/2023 23:47

And you have every right to be furious with him and dump him, of course.

hopefulsandwich · 25/09/2023 23:49

Are you sure you want transactional sex with no emotional connection? Because that’s what it would be like.

CallumDansTransitVan · 25/09/2023 23:50

Grimchmas · 25/09/2023 23:45

Can't you work it out solo?

15 years of him cheating on you using sex workers, a group of women who are highly likely to be trafficked and abused. Is he really with hanging on to?

Have you credible statistics for that claim?

Original poster
unexpectedalliances · 25/09/2023 23:51

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/09/2023 23:47

Using another human as a sex object is gross OP. Don’t do it. I think you just want to get back at him.

I actually dont think so - it's complicated but it would be incredibly easy for me to get back at him in much better ways. I just want someone skilled to give me attention to see I how my body responds.

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 25/09/2023 23:51

Get yourself on a hook up site like feeld and go explore your sexuality, with no exchange of money.
Paying for someone's body is just awful.

UndercoverCop · 25/09/2023 23:52

Consent cannot be purchased. YABU.

Grimchmas · 25/09/2023 23:53

What's stopping you from knowing if he's worth hanging onto or not? I know it's easy to make a snap judgement from an external point of view, but the guy has cheated on you and used trafficked and abused women to get his end away for 15 years. The fact that he's not satisfying you sexually is pretty low down the list of things to work out in this situation IMO. 15 years... what is there to come back to from 15 years of crap sex and him shagging around?

Original poster
unexpectedalliances · 25/09/2023 23:57

The thing is, without travel, everyone know everyone where I live and I want minimal interactions with maximum skill set. And no emotional involvement. The best outcome would be one shag, a fantastic orgasm and I have the knowledge. The worst outcome would be a poor shag, and no knowing if it was me or the lack of skill/attention.

OP posts:
Catsmere · 25/09/2023 23:57

Grimchmas · 25/09/2023 23:45

Can't you work it out solo?

15 years of him cheating on you using sex workers, a group of women who are highly likely to be trafficked and abused. Is he really with hanging on to?

Exactly what I was going to say! DH uses prostituted women - not a reason for OP to also use this appalling industry, but to get the hell away from him (and get checked for STI while she’s at it).

TomatoSandwiches · 25/09/2023 23:58

You can't pay for consent op, hop on tinder or similar and find someone with no strings if you are serious about it.

Blueeyedmale · 25/09/2023 23:59

@grimchmas very good point,OP its also worth thinking some of those men might be victims of abuse no matter how good the escort agency is never pay for someone's body especially when not knowing their circumstances

Original poster
unexpectedalliances · 25/09/2023 23:59

I have no problem with women choosing to be sex workers - I do of course have problems with the trafficking etc. are blokes the same? I assumed it would be by choice

OP posts:
CallumDansTransitVan · 25/09/2023 23:59

unexpectedalliances · 25/09/2023 23:57

The thing is, without travel, everyone know everyone where I live and I want minimal interactions with maximum skill set. And no emotional involvement. The best outcome would be one shag, a fantastic orgasm and I have the knowledge. The worst outcome would be a poor shag, and no knowing if it was me or the lack of skill/attention.

An escort may have had more practice. Whether you connect or not will be dependent on how you click I imagine.

kittenseverywhere · 26/09/2023 00:00

Since you've been married for 20 years, you're probably at the stage where menopause is coming up. The hormonal changes can results in more difficult or weaker orgasms. Not saying it's that but a thought. It could also be that he's not trying.

shoeawsome · 26/09/2023 00:02

Obviously you two are a match made in heaven! 🙄

Honestly just divorce him & start dating some nice men! Don't sink to his level!

Original poster
unexpectedalliances · 26/09/2023 00:05

Absolutely menopause has played a part but he definitely hasn't been trying (tho neither have I - it was more something to be done but usually not very inspiring for me). I can orgasm on my own tho not with him

OP posts:
Blueeyedmale · 26/09/2023 00:06

Op yes men can be trafficked to not only that but even the independent ones are often victims of abuse,emotional and sexual

CallumDansTransitVan · 26/09/2023 00:07

Blueeyedmale · 26/09/2023 00:06

Op yes men can be trafficked to not only that but even the independent ones are often victims of abuse,emotional and sexual

I'd love to know where this information comes from.

Blueeyedmale · 26/09/2023 00:11

From those who have been victim to it pp and from those agencies helping them wow what an stupid comment

VeryGoodVeryNice · 26/09/2023 00:13

Menopause killed orgasms for me, they were a lot weaker like you say, and bloody difficult to get there. I’ve been taking a menopause supplement for a few months and happy to say that knee trembling orgasms are back, same partner so it was nothing to do with him.

That said using prostitutes for 15 years would be more than enough reason to get rid of him. That’s not something I could move past.

CallumDansTransitVan · 26/09/2023 00:15

Blueeyedmale · 26/09/2023 00:11

From those who have been victim to it pp and from those agencies helping them wow what an stupid comment

Care to share a link supporting those statistics supporting that?

magneticmoon · 26/09/2023 00:16

What supplement VeryGood?