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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to pay for an escort?

148 replies

unexpectedalliances · 25/09/2023 23:43

Hear me out ... 20 year relationship and my partner and I had good sex to start with (I'd orgasm when I was in 'control'), but would make him take control to slow me down - he's never been the one to make me come unless I had a lot of mental imagery. Since a pelvic floor avulsion tear (and several kids) my sex drive bottomed out and my orgasms are shite. It's come out that for 15 years he's been seeing escorts and I've suddenly realised he's put no effort into my arousal for a really really long time (probably the 15 years) and I was just thinking it was me because I've not been getting aroused (but I've been head in the sand). We want to try and make it work but I have rediscovered my sec drive and realise the physical part of sex with him isn't that great. I want to know if it's my body's physical changes that have stopped it or if it's just him. I'm thinking a sex worker might be more skilled at figuring me out .. and at least I'd get an answer? Or so they just own a penis and likely to be as good or not as the next bloke?

OP posts:
Chubza · 26/09/2023 01:22

This thread is bonkers, both the op and the subchat. Of course billions of sex workers are trafficked or have a background of abuse, men and women.
and op, just do hook ups with guys online. Find some you can build a rapport with by chatting first and then get some great sex under your belt.
don’t pay someone, there’s absolutely no need and you will be very lucky to find a male sex worker who has an actual skillset which is used to please women.
most of the hot male sex workers service other men.
get some hrt or at least try the supplement mentioned upthread.
practice self care and try a variety of sex toys, the rose and womaniser are both great but there’s so much more you can do for yourself. Get some lube and have some solo fun.

also ditch your creepy sleazy lazy selfish girt of a husband, no wonder you can’t get off properly, your intuition knows what’s happening in central if you are choosing to be blasé about it and blaming yourself.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 26/09/2023 01:23

Just get a vibrator like every other woman does instead of trying to justify the potential sexual exploitation of another human being. And also get an sti test and dump the cheating scumbag of a husband.

spookehtooth · 26/09/2023 01:30

I'm with the bin him crew, then you can explore what you're interested in via dates, hook ups, sex workers too if you must. I find the idea of paying a bit grim personally, but you do you as they say, whatever makes you happy

oakleaffy · 26/09/2023 01:39

It sounds awful.
How could you even think of paying a man for sex?

These men will be wanting to get the transaction over with as quickly as possible.

From what I've heard, gadgets get the job done better than any male!

Look on somewhere like lovehoney.

Edit...And bin the crap sexworker using partner as well.

AIstolemylunch · 26/09/2023 01:43

Bleurgh, have some self respect. Can you imagine what the poor sex worker would be thinking while shagging you? Sex work is damaging, to all concerned, particularly women.

There are plenty of hook up sites and apps now, use them if you have to, or buy a good vibrator.

Blueink · 26/09/2023 02:22

No absolutely would not do this and suggest psycho sexual counselling would be a healthier and more supportive way forwards.

I couldn’t continue in a relationship with that level of betrayal. Have you fully processed what’s happened?

Mrsmulhern · 26/09/2023 02:28

Why on earth would you? It’s never ethical and how would actually purchasing sex with someone that’s only doing it to get paid help you orgasm? How would you feel comfortable?!

You should dump him, get a vibrator and go on tinder for a casual hook up with someone that’s fully consenting to sex with you.

0lga · 26/09/2023 02:36

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 26/09/2023 01:23

Just get a vibrator like every other woman does instead of trying to justify the potential sexual exploitation of another human being. And also get an sti test and dump the cheating scumbag of a husband.

This.

tolerable · 26/09/2023 02:59

actually-ignoring all i rapid scrolled througgh -but noted the escort shit aint your issue..get a pussy pump.(lovehoney)absolute ELEVATE your go to area..also some sorta vibrator.for once ya got to that.do you.then asess if hes a requirement/gets in on action.

Cetim · 26/09/2023 03:28

Dump him and get on a hook up app. It's cheaper

oksothisisusnow · 26/09/2023 03:42

TBH, I think your husband has completely destroyed your confidence if you think that the solution to your predicament is using sex workers.
I'm not sure if you've thought about how it might feel to pay for sex? Personally the idea of a person being in me, because I've purchased their consent and feigned enthusiasm would put me right off.
Anyway, paying for sexual services doesn't necessarily buy you the skills set you seem to be thinking you'll get. In your position I'd buy some toys and look for casual hook ups.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 26/09/2023 03:46

Wtf would you want to stay with your husband? He has and does show you no consideration, pays women for sex and could over the years have passed you any number of diseases but clearly did not think enough of you to give a stuff about your sexual health. Yuck.

Dita73 · 26/09/2023 04:04

This can’t be real

NorthernLights5 · 26/09/2023 04:19

OP I used to be a sex worker. For a long time I would have said I was happy making a living that way as I'd convinced myself it was true. The fact is the vast majority of us were either trafficked or forced into it. And the majority of us were abused from a very young age.

Please don't pay someone to force themselves to have sex with you. I can't imagine it feels good to think "they're only having sex with me for money, not because they want to". Also please look at the saafe website to see what sex workers go through.

WaltzingWaters · 26/09/2023 04:27

I don’t see how you could consider staying with your husband after finding this out. He’s been disgusting and put your health at risk for 15 years. But then if you’re considering doing the same I guess that explains it.

split up and find someone you have a connection with which is far more likely to get you going. I have a hard time having an orgasm but with the help of both toys and my loving and committed partner he always makes sure I get there.

Hiring a prostitute is just grim both physically and ethically.

Fuckmyliferightnow · 26/09/2023 04:44

Book a Yoni massage.

DietsAreForTheWeak · 26/09/2023 04:57

CallumDansTransitVan · 26/09/2023 00:47

And in the UK, what proportion of sex workers are trafficked?

You keep changing the goalposts.
A simple search on Pubmed or any credible news site, for example the bacha bazi of Afghanistan.
You've turned this thread into distasteful trollfest by displaying a shocking level of ignorance and a variation of victim blaming.

Society is just beginning to believe what women have been saying for years, and now we want to use the same blanket of denial toward men.

Horrible thread thanks to you.

CapEBarra · 26/09/2023 05:08

Your DH is a crap shag and he’s been cheating on you for 15 years by having sex with prostitutes, is that right? And you want revenge (?) by having sex with another prostitute but just the once for one big orgasm? And you’ll both be faithful after that? That’s no way to live.

Lastchancechica · 26/09/2023 05:14

I think you should end your marriage and explore your sexuality fully without paying for it.

Ethically it may feel grim to experience this, and have to live with it afterwards. I would have fun if you want to, but no I couldn’t use a young man or woman like that for my own kicks.

Herbiebanannas · 26/09/2023 05:21

Grimchmas · 25/09/2023 23:53

What's stopping you from knowing if he's worth hanging onto or not? I know it's easy to make a snap judgement from an external point of view, but the guy has cheated on you and used trafficked and abused women to get his end away for 15 years. The fact that he's not satisfying you sexually is pretty low down the list of things to work out in this situation IMO. 15 years... what is there to come back to from 15 years of crap sex and him shagging around?

“Used trafficked and abused women to get his end away”

Thats quite an assumption 🙄

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 26/09/2023 05:26

momymu · 26/09/2023 00:59

I will go against the tide and say go for it OP! OL shag might not be that great, but the professional might just do the trick. I'm drawing inspiration from 'The Big Mike', as I have never knowingly met 'professional' IRL, so might be very mistaken.

This.

Your body, your choice, your cash.

CrazyHamsterLady · 26/09/2023 05:26

Why are you not dumping the cheating scum bag? Also 🤮 🤮 🤮 for considering paying someone for a shag. How tacky is that? 🙄

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2023 05:41

@CallumDansTransitVan you seem very invested in proving that sex workers do it voluntarily. But you know that some at least are trafficked, some are acting out child sexual abuse, some started as children. And if you know those things, why would you risk it.

As part of my job, and a few times personally, I've know male and female sex workers, in a few countries. Everyone from women in magazines (yes, I'm that old) to a dominatrix, bar girls in Chiang Mai, and rent boys in London decades ago. The thing about meeting sex workers when they have no financial incentive to lie to you, when you're offering friendship, advice, support, a bed for the night with no one else in it; they tend to tell you the actual truth. And that truth is that it's a rare sex worker with a happy, healthy childhood, no abusive relationships and a free, enthusiastic choice. The only person close to that was the dominatrix and she didn't have sex with clients.

I've also lost one woman to overdose. And she was in full addiction and very clearly not OK and the punters still did what they did.

So please don't go on about statistics and proportions. There are enough women, girls, men and boys who are there because of trauma that it's not worth the risk. You can't buy consent anyway but it's still worse to attempt to buy consent from a traumatised person.

OP there are lots of swinging sites, sex clubs, tinder FFS, Brian from Hull. You don;t need to write weird posts on MN about some fantasy.

CountingDownTheHours · 26/09/2023 05:49

I'm not even sure I believe this post. You seem more concerned about an orgasm than the fact your husband has been cheating for 15 years.

Why on earth would anyone want to stay with someone that has cheated for that long and talk about it like it was a side issue?

Whyaresomepeopledickheads · 26/09/2023 06:03

It doesn’t take a genius to work out what’s going on here. You no longer trust your DH because of his years of cheating with prostitutes. You’ve realised you can no longer orgasm with the cheating arsehole - shocker. You seem to think a prostitute will magically press a couple more buttons and you can be like “aha! That’s what DH needs to do” and your marriage can continue. Your marriage is dead in the water OP. Divorce your DH and move on with someone you actually respect and fancy.