Aibu to pay for an escort?

[unexpectedalliances]

Hear me out ... 20 year relationship and my partner and I had good sex to start with (I'd orgasm when I was in 'control'), but would make him take control to slow me down - he's never been the one to make me come unless I had a lot of mental imagery. Since a pelvic floor avulsion tear (and several kids) my sex drive bottomed out and my orgasms are shite. It's come out that for 15 years he's been seeing escorts and I've suddenly realised he's put no effort into my arousal for a really really long time (probably the 15 years) and I was just thinking it was me because I've not been getting aroused (but I've been head in the sand). We want to try and make it work but I have rediscovered my sec drive and realise the physical part of sex with him isn't that great. I want to know if it's my body's physical changes that have stopped it or if it's just him. I'm thinking a sex worker might be more skilled at figuring me out .. and at least I'd get an answer? Or so they just own a penis and likely to be as good or not as the next bloke?

I don’t think this thread should even be about OP wanting an escort.

I think it should be primarily making her see that she can do better than someone who cheats on her for 15 years!

Not merely cheating, either - using women who, even if they weren't trafficked, could not freely consent. They weren't in a position to refuse. Her husband has been raping women for fifteen years.

YABU. The Focus is much more reliable.

Because it’s bloody relevant. Her husband has been seeing prostitutes for 15 years, there’s a big chance he could have met trafficked women. I would think it’s extremely relevant to find out how he was verifying that these women were not trafficked, because if he didn’t (and let’s be honest, that’s pretty impossible), that means he didn’t care if he was raping someone. Do you not think that’s a pretty big fucking deal?

From what I've seen and heard this is true. The idea that brothels are full of frightened, trafficked women, desperate to escape, is nonsense. No doubt there ARE such women, but they're a minority. Also, many of the customers aren't weird, creepy predators. A sex worker once told me that she genuinely liked a lot of her clients, and that one or two had even become friends.

As for straight male escorts being victims of abuse, that's silly. Again, I'm sure there are some, but I'm also sure that the vast majority are good-looking men who think they're God's gift to women and are keen to cash in on it. Rather than broken and damaged, I suspect the majority are arrogant and vain.

I'm not saying prostitution is harmless fun. Selling your body to strangers is an ugly, depressing thing. And men who visit brothels are pretty contemptible. It's forgivable when the man is young and stupid and frustrated, but a full-grown adult should know better. Even if only one in ten prostitutes is there because of addiction, violence, coercion, trafficking, childhood abuse, etc, that's too many.

Yes, and stock up on the sex toys. Personally, I'd drop him like a hot plate. Why on earth would you stay with a man who's been cheating on you for years? Look for a nice, decent guy you can have regular sex with – a pleasant, FWBs situation. If that blossoms into a relationship, great. Random hook ups aren't the answer.

There is nothing wrong with ethical sex work (people who CHOOSE to do this, set their prices and receive the entirety of the money and choose their own clients).

It is very different now, than it used to be and a lot of people are making the choice to do this work because they love sex and they see it as providing a service for those who need it.

I know several people in the industry who love it and wouldn't stop because it's fulfilling for them.

The judgement on mumsnet is ridiculous and some people here make it sound as though all sex workers are drug-addicted, underaged, trafficked women which simply isn't the case.

The good thing about this new wave of ethical sex work, is the more people who use their service, hopefully the other seedy side of things will get less and less.

The problem with male sex workers is a lot of them are just horny dudes who want to get paid. They don't understand or have any intention of treating it as a professional service for the female client, do you need to be very careful who you choose.

I think that its a wonderful idea, a bit of self exploration, sex with someone handsome and maybe learning what YOU like now :)

So how can you tell the difference between a person trafficked and one is doing it because they ‘love’ it? Do they come with stickers or flags?
I wonder how much they ‘love’ sleeping with old unwashed disgusting men? But that’s a whole new thread.

Paying to use someone’s actual body doesn’t sound ethical either

It's not a big deal to me as its neither my body or cash.

The naivety that most women are trafficked is unbelievable. Some cannot comprehend that some women simply see the sex I dusty as easy money. It's as though every punter is meant to ask whether the woman is doing her job of her own accord. The underground sex world is very carefully orchestrated. I knew this thread would turn into a moral debate rather than a pragmatic question the OP asked.

@Lastchancechica

Hahaha

Unwashed disgusting men...

As I mentioned, they choose their clients and get paid very well.
These men are often professionals. The unwashed masses aren't paying these prices.

Also, anyone with a brain can figure out that 26-year-old Andy from Brighton who trained as a plumber wasn't trafficked and Sarah from Aberdeen who was going to be a dental nurse but enjoys this much more is doing just fine.

Read the comment up thread from the person who works with these people and how rare it is that white British people are actually in this job involuntarily.

How many friends do you have doing this job?

I feel quite confident speaking about it as I know several who are paid upwards of £500 an hour and genuinely love the job.

Get a grip.

👏 👏

I work in an industry where we do deal with sex workers yes, and every single one bar none have drug issues, alcohol dependencies, often sexually abused as children or are in so much debt they have no choice.

If you think you can come on here and bare face lie about the abject horror of it, and say it’s all fine and dandy and not even acknowledge the serious risks involved to the girls/boys you are seriously, seriously fooling yourself.

I'd suggest making sex work more acceptable and legalising brothels would make things even safer for Women.
In brothels, they have the security of other women around to help if a client is abusive. Legal brothels would allow the managers to keep details of the staff including health checks.
The brothel could call the police if situations beyond their control happened. The police could visit the brothel and inerview staff to ensure they are there willingly.

@Lastchancechica
What exactly am I lying about?

I haven't denied the awful part of the industry once.

But the people I personally know treat this as a career, they love it. Not one of them has a drug problem and they all are earning amazing money and travelling.

This is not the case for all people, of course.

But it is ignorant to speak in broad terms as if every single sex worker is a drug addicted, abused person.

Being sexually liberated and making money from it is a valid choice.
One of my friends sees 3sh clients a week and then does as she pleases.

If you told her to go and work in a call centre she would laugh you out of the room.

Are you dealing with the regular sex worker, advertising on the internet and meeting clients in hotels at circa £200 an hour. Or is it street prostitution where people are doing it to support habits like you describe.

Street prostitution is a tiny perentage of sex work. Dealing with the addictions and mental health issues leading to that lifestyle, is the only way to help these poor people. The lack of mental health services and piss poor substance addiction services are where you need to vent your anger.

Between 2008 and 2010, I was registered on a well known escort website. I charged 200 quid for 2 hours and 2 hours normally meant 1.5 hours.Do you know why I did it? It was more honest than the work I had done in 'normal' circumstances and way less bitchy/stressful/bullying etc.. I used to check out my competition on this website. Until you have been in the industry, as a participant, not on the outskirts, you know nothing about the realities. The amount of 'easy' money became a weighing up of my not doing 9 to 5 work, to the dangers I was placing myself in. I always got paid and my clients ranged from vets, to doctors, wing commanders to professors. I couldn't care less whether they lied about their job, although I'm intelligent enough to have been able to converse on their respective occupations.

I should add,I was a mature escort and believe me, there of plenty of those.

I can only assume you are a man that uses this service! How do you ‘know’ so many, how much they earn etc.

Dodgy as hell.

I have dealt with sex workers for nearly twenty years, there is absolutely nothing you can tell me about this extremely vulnerable group that I haven’t already seen first hand.

I have seen the broken noses, jaws, missing teeth, choke marks, burns, I have seen the physical injuries, the tears and most of all I see the sheer misery and hopelessness of an unprotected group of mainly women left to fend for themselves. You might imagine they are all ‘sexually liberated’ capitalists but nothing could be further from the truth.

Apologists make me sick to my stomach, and I have no wish to engage with your sordid, seedy world of human misery and trafficking any further thank you.

I wonder how many times you change your professed career to suit a thread topic. Of course anybody who sees that escorting is not black and white must be a man.

@Lastchancechica

Nope, not a man. Just a boring 31 year old woman who sits at home with her cats (hence the username) and likes to live vicariously through her friends.

You clearly have not read my replies to you, I know how much they earn and how happy they are because they are my friends 😂
(there's two of them, hardly a crowd) and they tell me about the people they know, so I feel comfortable using the word "several" in regards to a group of people who I am personally aware of who are happy with sex work.

But I have no desire to spend my Tuesday afternoon debating someone who refuses to view things outside of their narrow opinions.

✌🏻

Deluded