Aibu to pay for an escort?

[unexpectedalliances]

Hear me out ... 20 year relationship and my partner and I had good sex to start with (I'd orgasm when I was in 'control'), but would make him take control to slow me down - he's never been the one to make me come unless I had a lot of mental imagery. Since a pelvic floor avulsion tear (and several kids) my sex drive bottomed out and my orgasms are shite. It's come out that for 15 years he's been seeing escorts and I've suddenly realised he's put no effort into my arousal for a really really long time (probably the 15 years) and I was just thinking it was me because I've not been getting aroused (but I've been head in the sand). We want to try and make it work but I have rediscovered my sec drive and realise the physical part of sex with him isn't that great. I want to know if it's my body's physical changes that have stopped it or if it's just him. I'm thinking a sex worker might be more skilled at figuring me out .. and at least I'd get an answer? Or so they just own a penis and likely to be as good or not as the next bloke?

The majority of male sex workers are gay and only see male clients.

If you live near Leeds, go to Holbeck at night and see the reality of sex workers prostituted women.

Divorce the cheating rapist (paid-for consent is not consent, so he is a serial rapist) and get an STI test and a Hitachi wand in that order.

OP have you thought about therapy (either couples or solo)?
Whilst you could see a sex worker if you so wished, it seems like that would be somewhat missing the point. Your husband has been keeping a dynamic-changing secret from you and that needs time to process and filter though. Therapy can help with that.

To the (absolutely expected) pearl-clutching PPs: I don’t see any of you criticising people for buying clothes from anywhere on the high street. Fashion’s exploitation of labour is considerably less ambiguous than sex work.
Sex work is real work. Not everyone does it because they had a traumatic childhood or were abused or have been trafficked. Everyone participates in the commodification of sex (yes, even you) so why are you getting your knickers in a twist when someone decides to capitalise on it? Unclench for five minutes and give your saviour complex a rest will you.

get rid. Don't be his equal. Revolving door please.

Ltb....

There's a brilliant film starring Emma Thompson called 'Good Luck To you, Leo Grande'. You should watch it!

Maybe don't bother and get a cat instead.

All of the moral issues aside, why do you think that the first time sex with someone you have never seen before will give you an Earth shattering orgasm?
Even in "good luck to you, Leo Grande" that didn't happen.

Haha crosspost!!!

You can call prostitution "real work" when and only when women risk pregnancy stacking shelves at Tesco and health care professionals get offered extra money to take off their protective gloves and facemasks. Your argument relies upon ignoring the huge risk that sex acts inherently pose to prostituted women's health, and that's before you consider the forced drug dependency, trafficking, and abuse meted out by the pimps who enslave these women.

The only "happy hookers" are graduate women with other options and an exit plan. They are a riny minority and even their health is at risk. Brooke Magnanti's (aka Belle Du Jour) book gave her regular chemist's shopping list with cystitis powders and thrush cream on it. The rest of us don't buy these things every time we go to the pharmacy because we aren't being fucked hard multiple times per week or even day by men who we can't say "stop" to because they are paying to fuck until they ejaculate and no less.

The garment industry comment is a classic case of whatabouttery and as such requires no further rebuttal.

Sex work is real work? No it really isn’t.

You need to masterbate. You are the skilled person your body needs.

Are you that naive? Prostitution isn't like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman you know! These women are usually brought into the country believing they're heading for reputable jobs but once they get here, the pimps remove their passports and they're sent to work, beaten if they refuse and sometimes force fed drugs to keep them in line. Human trafficking us a huge problem which you'd know if you ever listened to the news
https://www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/what-we-do/crime-threats/modern-slavery-and-human-trafficking#:~:text=Referrals%20for%20modern%20slavery%20and,10.3%25%20on%20the%20previous%20year.

Exploitative - well isn't much of work..

Dig up the road for £100 a day. Sleep with the OP for £150 an hour.

Of course the ladies of MN would be running and fighting for the shovels.

Still, I think the advice go on a hook-up dating site is a far better option.

Ah yes, more equating paid labour with paid rape.

Dump your partner and see your GP. I’d bet the perimenopause is your issue. When oestrogen declines, there are so many effects, some obvious, some not so obvious. It will perk your sex drive up too. You don’t necessarily need patches or gel, even the topical creams and pessaries can work wonders. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Well the majority of responses seem to be to give it a miss, so I will. I am not trying to drip feed - because it truly is a very complicated, toxic shit show with a lot of other stuff going on, but therapy is in the offing, I truly believe there might be MH issues around sex (for him), and I don't actually want to go out and pick up - It's a bit overwhelming. I didn't like vibrators for the last 50 years, I'm not that excited to want to start now, and I don't want a 'connection', I literally want to know if my body - with whatever part of the pelvic floor torn off from the bone - is able to feel the sensations it used to feel. I was hoping a transactional experience might help me concentrate on me without feeling bad about it.

Holy shit, 15 years of paying for prostitutes behind your back. That's habitual and if you stay with him you're looking at 15 more years of the same. Get rid of this absolute cockgoblin then your wealth, self esteem, and confidence may return along with some earth shattering orgasms.

I can't think of anyone who would stay with him after this.

Are you really believing the escort/prostitute sees that £150 an hour? Personally I don't get beaten or force fed drugs to make me go to work and then have to hand over all my wages to a gangster, I doubt you do either.

Only inadequate losers pay for sex and overlook the ethics of what they're doing, including the predicatbale men coming on here trying to justify it.. We see you. Loser. Don't sink to your husband's level OP.

So do you have an open marriage now?

If so, why not find a FWB?

Most women can’t just meet a stranger and go to having sex straight away as we are not built like that.

You say your DH has MH issues with sex, yet he’s been using escorts for 15 years - that doesn’t make sense.

Find your self respect and end the relationship.

He has not cheated on you once or twice and then felt bad, it’s been 15 years!!
All whilst you’ve had to spend all of this time sexually frustrated, he’s been having the time of his life.

If you and your DH aren’t having sex then you might as well be just friends anyway.

I'm not your personal search engine.

You incorrectly stated very few were trafficked. I cited evidence that proved you wrong. Perhaps check your own facts before making sweeping statements.

I'm thinking that Callum Dan has been using escorts given their obvious support for the industry and unwillingness to believe that women would willingly wish to shag strangers for the enjoyment and pocket money!

There's so much more going on in your life right now, but I guess this is some kind of distraction for you.

Male sex workers mainly practise on men so no great expertise there. If you go on fab, there are physios who offer yoni massage as a free service - they are more likely to be good at it. But for me, sexual attraction is a big part of it as well.

Now on to clitoral orgasms. Mine are shockingly weak in perimenopause but I find a bullet clitoral vibrator is great. Don't write everything off without trying it, particularly if you last tried sex toys 15 years ago. There are plenty of clitoral ones out there now.

If you want to try sex, go online. There are some amazing lovers out there.

Have you considered a sex therapist or physiotherapist? Not a sleazy one, one who can look at your physical and mental issues and actually help because they have training and experience in that area. You seem to have money to throw at this, so it would seem a better use of it than ONS with escorts.