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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to pay for an escort?

148 replies

unexpectedalliances · 25/09/2023 23:43

Hear me out ... 20 year relationship and my partner and I had good sex to start with (I'd orgasm when I was in 'control'), but would make him take control to slow me down - he's never been the one to make me come unless I had a lot of mental imagery. Since a pelvic floor avulsion tear (and several kids) my sex drive bottomed out and my orgasms are shite. It's come out that for 15 years he's been seeing escorts and I've suddenly realised he's put no effort into my arousal for a really really long time (probably the 15 years) and I was just thinking it was me because I've not been getting aroused (but I've been head in the sand). We want to try and make it work but I have rediscovered my sec drive and realise the physical part of sex with him isn't that great. I want to know if it's my body's physical changes that have stopped it or if it's just him. I'm thinking a sex worker might be more skilled at figuring me out .. and at least I'd get an answer? Or so they just own a penis and likely to be as good or not as the next bloke?

OP posts:
Blueeyedmale · 26/09/2023 00:18

You can find the information easily enough so what you are saying you don't believe there are any victims of trafficking or someone working as a independent escort as never been the victim of abuse emotional or sexual?

Hollydays · 26/09/2023 00:19

I'd find it really difficult being intimate with my partner if he told me he'd been seeing sex workers for 15 years. I don't think escorts is the way forward.

GalaApples · 26/09/2023 00:20

Find a nice relationship with a good man, and you will find out what you want to know about yourself. Kick this one to the kerb- he has betrayed you and lied for 15 years - what else do you need to know to end it? You are worth far more than you have right now. Good luck with your journey - it could be a lot of fun.

CallumDansTransitVan · 26/09/2023 00:24

This reply has been deleted

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Blueeyedmale · 26/09/2023 00:26

The information is easily available online so do it because 2 mins ago it was not any in your opinion now its a few so I think we know who is talking rubbish

CallumDansTransitVan · 26/09/2023 00:32

Blueeyedmale · 26/09/2023 00:26

The information is easily available online so do it because 2 mins ago it was not any in your opinion now its a few so I think we know who is talking rubbish

OK lets try it another way.

Blueeyedmale · Today 00:06

Op yes men can be trafficked to not only that but even the independent ones are often victims of abuse,emotional and sexual

In response to that statement. How many sex workers by percent, male or female are victims of trafficking or abuse?

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/09/2023 00:36

This reply has been deleted

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United Nations International Labour Organisation study put the amount of sex trafficking victims at well over 4 million.

3.8 million adults and a million children.

Over 99% are women and girls.

So you are quite wrong.

Blueeyedmale · 26/09/2023 00:36

Does it matter how many percent it is even one per cent is too many you could easily look that information up but you try and point score, but these are peoples lives unfortunately it happens in this job or are you saying that it does not I did not say in every case I said it does happen so I don't understand why you are trying to point score of the back of it

Presil · 26/09/2023 00:41

Very possible you'll find your libido and sexual response improves once you get rid of your cheating arse husband and leave him to the prostituted women whose company he desires.

Or maybe it won't and you can address things then.

Anyway that's what I'd be focusing on, rather than on finding the mythical stud muffin male escort beloved of daytime soaps and BBC3 features.

novalia89 · 26/09/2023 00:41

I had an old flatmate who was a male prostitute and that was his choice. Another flatmate 2 hated him for it and threw him out of the house. However his boyfriend was very manipulative and flatmate 2 had a breakdown due to many things (mother’s death, father’s stoke, being ostracised for being gay and other things).
Anyway, he wasn’t exactly trafficked but was emotionally manipulated into taking pictures and doing onlyfans sort of stuff that he didn’t really want to do and had been cut off from his friends and family. This was a massive bodybuilder type guy too. So it wasn’t really his choice to do that either :( you can’t assume that it is true consent.

CallumDansTransitVan · 26/09/2023 00:47

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/09/2023 00:36

United Nations International Labour Organisation study put the amount of sex trafficking victims at well over 4 million.

3.8 million adults and a million children.

Over 99% are women and girls.

So you are quite wrong.

Show quote history

And in the UK, what proportion of sex workers are trafficked?

CallumDansTransitVan · 26/09/2023 00:49

novalia89 · 26/09/2023 00:41

I had an old flatmate who was a male prostitute and that was his choice. Another flatmate 2 hated him for it and threw him out of the house. However his boyfriend was very manipulative and flatmate 2 had a breakdown due to many things (mother’s death, father’s stoke, being ostracised for being gay and other things).
Anyway, he wasn’t exactly trafficked but was emotionally manipulated into taking pictures and doing onlyfans sort of stuff that he didn’t really want to do and had been cut off from his friends and family. This was a massive bodybuilder type guy too. So it wasn’t really his choice to do that either :( you can’t assume that it is true consent.

I agree that case doesn't sound entirely consensual. But the belief that seems to be the common one here that most sex workers are not doing it volutarily is incorrect.

ExperiencedTeacher · 26/09/2023 00:53

CallumDansTransitVan · 26/09/2023 00:49

I agree that case doesn't sound entirely consensual. But the belief that seems to be the common one here that most sex workers are not doing it volutarily is incorrect.

Show quote history

This is interesting and perhaps reveals my prejudice, because I believed the same as the pp. Could you point to studies to support your point?

CallieQ · 26/09/2023 00:55

VeryGoodVeryNice · 26/09/2023 00:13

Menopause killed orgasms for me, they were a lot weaker like you say, and bloody difficult to get there. I’ve been taking a menopause supplement for a few months and happy to say that knee trembling orgasms are back, same partner so it was nothing to do with him.

That said using prostitutes for 15 years would be more than enough reason to get rid of him. That’s not something I could move past.

Which supplement is this?

VeryGoodVeryNice · 26/09/2023 00:58

@CallieQ its called Menopause Complex by a company called Hey Nutrition

momymu · 26/09/2023 00:59

I will go against the tide and say go for it OP! OL shag might not be that great, but the professional might just do the trick. I'm drawing inspiration from 'The Big Mike', as I have never knowingly met 'professional' IRL, so might be very mistaken.

momonpurpose · 26/09/2023 01:01

If he's using sex workers and now you want to use one too why on earth do you not call it a day and end it. It's clearly over for 15 years. Get out and have a happy life both of you

HeatherMoores · 26/09/2023 01:09

What’s this obsession with skill sets!

Seriously though it might not work like you think it would. He would only be doing it with you for money and not because he was in to you. That might be more of a turn off than you think.

MsLavender · 26/09/2023 01:13

It doesn't matter if it's 1% or 50% of people who are trafficked/coerced/exploited etc the fact is some people are and you can never be sure which ones have been and which ones haven't so why risk taking advantage of someone like that? it's grim. Aside from those people there are a lot of vulnerable people (addicts/homeless/care leavers/runaways) who fall into prostitution for survival, yes, even male prostitutes.

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 26/09/2023 01:14

CallumDansTransitVan · 26/09/2023 00:07

I'd love to know where this information comes from.

Show quote history

https://committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/64627/html/

Well this is one source. Around half of women involved in prostitution report being victims of childhood sexual abuse, up to 70% being in care and 85% report being physically abused by a family member. That definitely supports the idea that "even the independent ones are often victims of abuse, emotional and sexual ".

But I think you know that and just don't give a shit.

chaosmaker · 26/09/2023 01:17

@unexpectedalliances just because someone is a sex worker, it doesn't automatically make them a skilled lover. I think the PP who talked about hormone replacement stuff might have the right suggestion for you.

Presil · 26/09/2023 01:20

It's easy enough to get cock if you're a woman. No need to pay. The trouble is finding a decent man attached to it.

LalaPaloosa · 26/09/2023 01:22

Where are all these good men? Easier said than done.

LalaPaloosa · 26/09/2023 01:22

This is just the issue

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