Aibu to pay for an escort?

[unexpectedalliances]

Hear me out ... 20 year relationship and my partner and I had good sex to start with (I'd orgasm when I was in 'control'), but would make him take control to slow me down - he's never been the one to make me come unless I had a lot of mental imagery. Since a pelvic floor avulsion tear (and several kids) my sex drive bottomed out and my orgasms are shite. It's come out that for 15 years he's been seeing escorts and I've suddenly realised he's put no effort into my arousal for a really really long time (probably the 15 years) and I was just thinking it was me because I've not been getting aroused (but I've been head in the sand). We want to try and make it work but I have rediscovered my sec drive and realise the physical part of sex with him isn't that great. I want to know if it's my body's physical changes that have stopped it or if it's just him. I'm thinking a sex worker might be more skilled at figuring me out .. and at least I'd get an answer? Or so they just own a penis and likely to be as good or not as the next bloke?

Honestly OP if you just want to know if you can still feel those things, there’s plenty of toys out there (not just vibrators) which can help you with that. And arguably, you’d have a much higher chance of success doing it that way as you know your body. Even putting aside any moral issues with using escorts, any man you chose to try this with (escort or otherwise) doesn’t know your body, your likes, your dislikes. Your first experience with someone is very rarely the most amazing because it takes a bit of time to learn what the other person likes/needs x

I have been working in MSHT investigations since 2016. My lived experience with the trafficking of sex workers is that this environment is exlusively limited to overseas nationals . Predominantly the SE Asian diaspora from China down through Vietnam / Brazil and Roma people from Romania/Hungary/Bulgaria. Providing the largest groups of at risk women.

Whilst victims of trafficking and slavery are by a vast majority white indigenous males aged 20-35. I have never met or encountered any working in the sex industry . They are by a vast majority in abusive Labour or cannabis farming.

I have been to more brothers than I care to remember. Where workers are legally present (the workers are either British or have the right to remain in the UK) I have never encountered anyone who is not there voluntarily and regard it as well paid work compared with other work available.

It is a myth that all sex workers are exploited trafficked victims . There certainly are many victims out there but it is not the 'norm' by any means.

Why is mumsnet suddenly full of people who call women "pearl-clutchers" for pointing to the realities of prostitution, and call rape victims liars?

This. There's a reason most male sex workers service men not women.

OP sort your body and your emotions out. If once you are on an even keel and you still want to engage a sex worker go ahead. But I have a feeling by that point you won't want to.

Yes my housemate who was a prostitute (gay) seemed to enjoy it but he had an exit plan. He already had an ok job working in IT for the BBC. I think that he just liked the easy money.

However he (and the (soon to be) exploited other) housemate had a massive disconnect from it. Hd would talk about being ghosted or their boyfriend flirted with someone else and be sad, like school crush type drama, whilst having robotic unemotional sex with his client (I only heard it once tbh). The other flatmate who just did videos and pictures was the same. Total disconnect emotionally from that and was missing the true emotional connection from his boyfriend (it was his boyfriend who manipulated him into doing the sex work).

The police also turned up in my houseshare in relation to the first flatmate, once he he moved out. I’m talking 2 riot vans of police officers and two police officers in a car. So yes, it’s still dodgy asf.

He’s utterly repulsive, how did he check that none of these women over 15 years were trafficked? Or did he not give a fuck if he was raping someone? I’d suggest you go spend some time on UKPunting and see what disgusting creatures these men are.

I don't see a problem with you going to a sex worker aslong as you do your research into who they are and why they are doing sex work properly and are absolutely confident you are buying a service off someone in good mental health who enjoys their job and is truly consenting / wants to be a sex worker but I do question why you are trying to make a relationship work with someone who has been paying for sex behind your back for so long. Do you not have any dignity or self respect?

Very few sex workers are trafficked. The vast majority do it as financially it is preferable to much regular work

Are you a punter?

You're talking shite.

Oh and 'care to link to reliable statistics" proving that" ...... Right back at you. You'll be er produce those, because they don't exist. That's because it's not recorded.

One look at UK punting tells you lots of them are. They're run by gangs. Theyre not free to go and work in tesco and getting a nice cheerio from their gang member pimps - fondly referred to as "Serghei" by the punters.

You're delusional.

Op Male escorts usually do men and couples... There's not enough female only business.

As a result, I wouldn't touch them with a barge pole with three condoms on the end.

Just go on hook up sites and as a woman, the choice will be yours. Though the condom comment still applies.

It won't ever create parity for what your h has done to you for 15 yrs though.

That's the impression I'm getting too.

Given the trafficking statistics its a very real possibility/probability that anyone who buys sex from an escort is complicit in a woman having sex against her free will.

Men don't want to face the unpalatable truth that this is rape.

Anyone seeking to minimise this needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

How the fuck can anything be less unambiguous than rape?
I've already posted this link but I'm going to share it again because idiots like you really need to read it.
https://committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/64627/html/

No judgement from me, as this is you we are talking about. I think this is the kind of thing that a sex surrogate might help with. You aren't just trying to get off, you are wanting to explore how your sexual responses work following an injury.

It is a deep shame that your husband, whose children you bore which resulted in this injury, has not been able to provide you the intimacy and the space to explore this with him. That is what couples who love each other, and want to have sex with each other long term do. They find a way to overcome physical sexual difficulties in order to maintain marital intimacy; though it may be excruciating, take patience, and even fail and be embarrassing, they do try.

Instead he took the easier route to achieving sexual satisfaction for himself by visiting prostitutes. No risk of failure there. That isn't a real man.

I think you need to confront him in therapy with the reality that you are supposed to be sexual partners, but he hasn't provided you with a space in which you can explore what you need for sexual satisfaction, to the point that you are so unconvinced of his ability to do so that you are considering outsourcing the job.

And I think you need to consider whether you want to remain married to a man who has broken the explicit and implicit contract of marriage in the way that he has.

For some reliable statistics on migrant sex workers, there is Dr Nick Mai's research hub (with plenty of sources linked):
https://sexhum.org/research-team/

Also the Beyond The Gaze study here:
https://www.beyond-the-gaze.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/BtGbriefingsummaryoverview.pdf

Both of these researchers interviewed actual sex workers and took their lived experiences seriously rather than trying to push their own agendas, which makes a change.

Sex work is not rape. If you are calling all sex work rape you are essentially saying it’s not possible to actually rape a sex worker.
f* that.

Yes it is. You can't buy consent.

@Tandora Um, no. That’s not what pumpkin is asserting at all and your comment doesn’t make sense.

Did you read the link she posted? It’s a stark reminder of the realities.

You still want to be with him even though he's been seeing escorts behind your back for 15 years??

Every time there's a thread about escorts, it descends into arguments about trafficking. The OP is asking whether her using an escort would satisfy her desires. If she is paying the man and the man is accepting her money, prima facie, that's consent. It's not the OP's responsibility think anymore of the transaction.

Of course it’s ops moral duty to consider the man’s circumstances!

Can you imagine if everyone behaved without a moral code, you could literally buy or do anything at all? The whole of society is based on a system that gives people rights. The right not to be abused, trafficked, assaulted. Buying something does not give you a free pass to do whatever you like!

You are both unspeakable in your attitudes towards other human beings and morality. You definitely belong together.

If that were the case, the sex industry wouldn't exist. Its a business, first and foremost.

Couldn't agree more!