Uninvited from Christmas Day

[Bs0u416d]

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

I agree it’s very upsetting she is doing this . Why are both her dogs nervous ? Where they not well socialised ? It’s odd both have issues ?
m Would you leave your dog behind if she asked ? Like a kennel or sitter maybe ? Do you think she took the decision because she assumed you wouldn’t ?

I wish I was uninvited from family at Christmas

Get a ginormo-dog 😂

Uninvite yourself?

Leave your dog at home on Xmas day!

Childish to want to go home, as adults, for Christmas? What a sad way to look at things.
I think you need to have a conversation with Mum - a grown-up one of course!

Time to find out what a relaxing Christmas feels like I think ... Enjoy it. Share a call or Facetime but otherwise choose something you want to eat, wake up when you feel like it. Watch a Christmas movie whilst stuffing your face with Cheese or chocolate or get hideously drunk. Enjoy a quiet dog walk then go back for cake. You've a right to feel maligned but actually maybe it's time to stop. Enjoy what you have.

I’m sure you will sort it out and have a family Christmas. My PIL no longer let our dogs stay at their house, too much for them. Fine when I can get a house sitter (have a nervous dog so can’t do kennels) but virtually impossible at Christmas. Therefore we can no longer go for Christmas fine by me I prefer to be at home! They come to us.

Did I miss a post? Am i correct in thinking it is only you and your dog but not your siblings and their dogs who have been unvited to spend christmas and boxing day at the family home?? If that is right then I am afraid that I would take it very personally, just like you!! that would be grossly unfair to single out you and your dog!

Load of rot. We more or less alternate between my parents and DH parents (which is 2 households). It's back to family traditions, and for them to see grandchildren etc. Also, MIL is disabled and no longer able to travel far, so what should be done there?
Oh, and we take the dogs with us to family for overnight. THey're family too... my parents came to visit us this weekend, partly to see the dogs who they haven't seen in a while 😱

🤣🤣🤣

I would love to but the guilt trip from everyone isn't worth it

Sounds like you've reached one of those times when things change whether everyone wants them to or not. I wonder how old your mum is? Up until quite recently, my favourite thing was entertaining. I would love to have my house full of guests but recently I've noticed that it exhausts me. I've also noticed I get much more stressed than I used to. I am dreading Christmas and would love one of my DCs to suggest hosting it. It might not solve the dog problem because maybe your mother would still stress about her new dogs but maybe it's time for a new way to celebrate?

To me that’s nuts I’ve always had dogs and as long as none of them are dog aggressive they will work it out between themselves within an hour…there might be a grump at each other but no physical damage more of I don’t want to play warning “look at me bite this air” or “look at my big teeth” (I know a lot of people who haven’t always had dogs see this as aggression when it’s actually the “piss off” you want your dog to do rather than a totally unexpected and seemingly out of the blue scenario of a dog getting into a dog fight. In people language it’s “go away” rather than saying nothing then punching someone) just keep a close eye so if you need to intervene you can, when the younger dogs realise yours isn’t interested they will move onto something else….

Just thinking. If you feel that perhaps your parents have bitten off more than they can chew with having two young dogs, and perhaps they are blaming your dog in some way for making it worse when he is around, but you think this is just them not accepting there is an issue with their own dogs behaviours at times, then perhaps you should go without your dog and see what happens when their dogs are around the labradoodles that will be there. If they still widdle on the settee and your dog is not there, it might give you a bit of a bargaining point. Sacrifice one Christmas to save the rest. Because this issue is likely to reoccur next Christmas too.

Pushing middle age! Mid 30s 😅😅😅😅😅

You have plenty of time to arrange for a kennel or something for your Great Dane. You should respect your mom’s wish to not have a big dog there with her two little dogs, she is simply anxious about what might happen and probably thinks you wouldn’t keep him confined to one room or that somehow he’d get out.

Personally, I love dogs. I love Great Danes. But it is her house. Respect that. I have a relative who would try to insist on bringing her pit bulls whenever she asked to visit, and I had a young child at the time. I could not believe she never got the hint or understood why I might not want her to bring those dogs. I didn’t mind seeing her and wanted to see her as she is fine otherwise, but I did not want to see her dogs. She also kept trying to get me to bring my child to hers and drop him off for a sleepover. With the pit bulls. Foolish. Of course I never allowed the dogs at my house or took my child to hers. I realize a Great Dane is very different from a pit bull. I actually love Great Danes, but your mother is obviously worried about the sheer size, uncertainty, and how her little dogs will react. It is her house.

Why do some pet owners think others want them to bring their dogs or pets to their houses? Unless the dogs are invited, then no, dogs or pets are not to be brought.

I would never ever take my dog to someone else’s house without their express invitation and enthusiasm for seeing my dog.

It is beyond rude. Then you react by taking part of the holiday away that is usually spent at her house and the guests, by having relatives at your house on Boxing Day. You will have your turn next time.

You put your dog above your family, which is your choice. But don’t get angry when relatives do not want to see your dog. They don’t have the attachment you have. You are forcing this. I don’t blame your mother.

You aren’t unreasonable! Your mother is! She’s either got early onset dementia or she simply doesn’t want you there and is using the dog as an excuse!

Do any of your other relatives care if you attend or not? Maybe they aren’t a particularly caring bunch, if they can’t see that it’s a cherished family tradition.

Ask around and see if anyone will speak up in support of you. If they all say they don’t want you or your dog, maybe the family isn’t a particularly caring family - find someone else to hang out with at Christmas!

As they are hosting, they get to call the shots but I'd be massively hurt. However, you doing Xmas another day is nothing to do with them, they can't have it both ways.
Xmas at my parents with all our dogs was chaotic to say the least but all part of the fun. So many dogs, so many years, great memories.
This post has actually made me sad.

Imagine thinking it’s childish to spend Christmas all together in your family home where you grew up

You have a choice, family or dog. That's it.

Op, I've rtft, I think and am a dog lover and love family Christmases. Because of my husband's job we always host Christmas which the kids love, not being traipsed around the country but in their own home with cousins, aunts, uncles, gps coming and going.

My main comment is that you repeatedly say your DM did not suggest a workaround and was upset. I'm not surprised she was upset. She's getting older, it's a big task, difficult for her to admit that even to herself so cut her some slack and YOU work on the workaround, many have been suggested here. Plenty of time to sort some acceptable compromise re c/o your dog. I too would not put my dog into kennels but start researching alternatives, dog/house sitting, home boarding for dogs.

Or go for a much shorter visit for your 'home' Christmas without your Great Dane.

She didn't actually give an opportunity for the Op to find a workaround she disinvited her.

And told her she couldn't host at her house on Boxing Day.

Whilst welcoming the Ops siblings & their dogs.

Eh what does it matter who’s house anyone goes to. What a weird take on it

Mid 30s is not a child who needs to be pandered to at Christmas. Not a child who needs to "go home" and have their dream Christmas served up to them on a plate.

I am 60 and have friends of similar age who, love their adult children and grandchildren as they do, tear their hair out in frustration as to how these adults revert to childish behaviour and dynamics once they are back in the family home. Even if it isn't actually the home they grew up in.

It's not an unusual frustration for older (not elderly) people to have with their adult dc.