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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from Christmas Day

384 replies

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:01

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

OP posts:
SequentialAnalyst · 26/09/2023 12:55

Mamai90 · 26/09/2023 00:47

What an odd thing to say.

Are you a parent? If you are would you not be glad to have your children around you at Xmas time? Or maybe you kick yours out at 18 and hope you never see them again.

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You don't seem to have read the recent posts addressing this.

For just how many years are the parents, and especially the mother, supposed to spend their Christmas mornings cooking, just to ensure their adult DC deign to join them for Christmas? What is the Christmas hosting retirement age?

How old will you be when you become the default host?

Takeabreather23 · 26/09/2023 13:06

Honestly it sounds like your mums just simply getting older . She feels she hasn’t the energy to deal with her dogs being anxious and it’s easier to just not have your dog . Maybe this will be her starting point to not have anyone else's dog either .

I would be upset she didn’t think there was another option to discuss maybe makes you feel like she isn’t bothered wether you are there or not . It’s actually probably as I’ve stated above .

It is your job to sort your dog and if you don’t want to leave it in Kennels then that’s not your mums worry or problem to solve .

Ssme92 · 26/09/2023 13:39

Have read all your responses OP so I can see you have gotten a lot of opinions but just food for thought....

We are very much an "all dogs included" type family aswell so I totally understand where you are coming from. But I hate one family member's dog's behaviour. The dog is not house trained, behaves poorly, and as a result our dog is the one who gets locked away trying to let their dog get it's own way as that's what it is used to. It is so frustrating. Anyway, the point of my post is, going forward I will be requesting them to not bring their dog to family events that we host. People can change their minds, I suppose, for whatever reason. At the moment, it has turned me off hosting as I know the conversation will not go down well!

If you really want to go home for Christmas (which is completely normal to want to do despite what others are saying here), I'd consider what alternatives you would be comfortable with before sharing them with your mother and see what she says.

Notonthestairs · 26/09/2023 14:00

@SequentialAnalyst But the Op wanted to host on Boxing Day and her mother said not to.
Rather mixed signals if she's looking to stop hosting.

gemma19846 · 26/09/2023 14:23

But your choosing YOUR dad over your parents? Its their house. Get a dog sitter or put him in kennels.

Lookforthejoy · 26/09/2023 14:28

You could go without your dog. If you won't the problem lies with you OP. The problem is not her.

Just a thought but maybe your dog is not just large but also a pain in the behind.

Have your own gathering on another day but don't do it in a spiteful way if there is a family tradition of something else that day.

StillWantingADog · 26/09/2023 14:30

Very unreasonable of your mother to
uninvited you without discussing workarounds and also be annoyed about entirely separate plans of yours for Boxing Day

Ap24 · 26/09/2023 14:35

I wouldn't be leaving my elderly dog alone or in kennels over Christmas. Have an amazing Christmas at your own house and continue with your boxing day plans. In future years I would be making plans to host on the boxing day so I could still have a family get together.

Twiglets1 · 26/09/2023 14:38

I had a similar dilemma one year when we were invited out on Christmas day for the whole day but dog wasn't invited.

I asked around my dog walking pals if anyone had a teenager who would like to earn some extra money (double pay as Christmas day) to come to my house twice to walk my dog/feed him in the afternoon/let him out in the garden. I did get someone that way who was willing to do it as it was easy work really just an awkward day.

My dog was really placid though and would happily go out with anyone.

Baba197 · 26/09/2023 14:48

Not at all childish- I didn’t have my son until 41 and until then I always “went home” for Christmas! Strange comment to make

Cantstopeatingcakea · 26/09/2023 14:50

Apologies if it's already been said.
Do you think a sibling or their spouse doesn't like your dog? Maybe they have young kids? They could have made your mum choose and your mum doesnt want to cause trouble in that marriage so you are the fall guy.
Hope it works out for you.

MarilynSays · 26/09/2023 14:59

Is this an excuse so she doesn't have to host as many? And she's picked on you to 'uninvite' because you are lovely and won't say anything/start confrontation? Just a thought. Hope it all works out for you x

Gnomegnomegnome · 26/09/2023 14:59

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 22:46

The offending article.

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He can come to my house for Christmas, he’s gorgeous!

I wonder what your mum would say if you said that you had sorted out care for your pup over Christmas? I wonder if you would be reinvited?

What have other family members said? Is your dad around or just your mum?

Lemonyyy · 26/09/2023 15:20

Would your parents go away for Christmas? My ILs have excitable terriers who don't like my lab so we're going away for Xmas, two cottages that are next door to each other. Then we can separate our dogs and they can have space from each other.

Probably not helpful if mum is very set in her ways but just thought I'd throw another suggestion into the mix. I'd be very hurt in this scenario too OP!

Londonscallingme · 26/09/2023 15:33

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:46

The rest of the conversation did not go well. She got upset because the family christmas was going to be incomplete but was equelly not suggesting alternative solution to us staying with them. I may or may not have said " there isnt any point in being upset, whether we have a family christmas again now depends on if you or (my) dog die first" this was not my finest hour.

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😂😂😂

sorry, this made me LOL.

I have no advice but I will say I think you’re taking the ‘criticism’ (challenges, might be a better word) from other posters very well.

I'm sure you’ll find a way through it all.

Iateallthechocolate · 26/09/2023 15:36

How old and what breed are your mothers dogs? If they're young can you borrow them for a few weekends between now and Christmas get them used to your dog?

We used to do this in my family as each new dog was added. Socialise the dogs with each other. That way we could cover each others holidays, and Christmas is easier. All but one are dead now sadly.

sc0nes4t · 26/09/2023 16:01

OP, having seen the photos, I now declare that you're being completely unreasonable. You don't deserve that absolutely gorgeous dog and he should come and live with me. Problem sorted. 😀

MrsRachelDanvers · 26/09/2023 16:11

It may be that as your mother is getting more elderly, then she is becoming less flexible and anxious. Maybe she just doesn’t want the stress of having to think about the interaction between your dog and hers. Nor the hassle of thinking g about workarounds. Can you accept that people change over time and this is just a change that’s happened to her? And treat it with kindness as you would hope your own children would as you get old. Not make jokes about her dying. It’s already happening to me-was a dog lover but find myself less tolerant these days of my stepdaughter’s dog-the constant watching and telling him off-he’s a lovely character but boisterous and a handful and I no longer want to shut the cat away!

M4J4 · 26/09/2023 16:34

MrsRachelDanvers · 26/09/2023 16:11

It may be that as your mother is getting more elderly, then she is becoming less flexible and anxious. Maybe she just doesn’t want the stress of having to think about the interaction between your dog and hers. Nor the hassle of thinking g about workarounds. Can you accept that people change over time and this is just a change that’s happened to her? And treat it with kindness as you would hope your own children would as you get old. Not make jokes about her dying. It’s already happening to me-was a dog lover but find myself less tolerant these days of my stepdaughter’s dog-the constant watching and telling him off-he’s a lovely character but boisterous and a handful and I no longer want to shut the cat away!

Can you accept that the issue here is that the quietest and least trouble dog is being targeted here?

No one needs to accept being excluded with 'kindness'. OP's mother hasn't even given OP the option of leaving the dog elsewhere, she has been summarily uninvited.

You are projecting your own situation onto OP when they are not the same.

Graciebobcat · 26/09/2023 16:35

I just couldn't imagine as a mum, not seeing my daughter at Christmas because I had acquired a couple of dogs, I'd make it work. I don't understand some people's priorities. I have a lovely dog but she would never come first over DDs.

Graciebobcat · 26/09/2023 16:37

MrsRachelDanvers · 26/09/2023 16:11

It may be that as your mother is getting more elderly, then she is becoming less flexible and anxious. Maybe she just doesn’t want the stress of having to think about the interaction between your dog and hers. Nor the hassle of thinking g about workarounds. Can you accept that people change over time and this is just a change that’s happened to her? And treat it with kindness as you would hope your own children would as you get old. Not make jokes about her dying. It’s already happening to me-was a dog lover but find myself less tolerant these days of my stepdaughter’s dog-the constant watching and telling him off-he’s a lovely character but boisterous and a handful and I no longer want to shut the cat away!

Elderly? She is likely in her 50s or 60s and very far from elderly.

pizzaHeart · 26/09/2023 16:39

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 22:00

I acknowledge that what I said to my mother was a) mean and b) in the moment. On the whole, I am not mean, I am a caring and engaged (and very generous family member)

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I wonder OP if your mum’s suggestion was a bit in the moment too. I was recently in the situation when my Mum said something mean to me over phone (wasn’t your dilemma but a bit similar) and I became upset and answered her back and put the phone down. After a bit of crying etc I decided to phone her and say sorry for my remark. When I did this she was really pleased and she said to me that she was actually wrong and said what she said without proper thinking.
She wasn’t sure about calling me as I was so upset and my sister advised Mum to wait a few days (which was quite a bad advice actually). So me phoning first sorted out everything between me and mum, just something to consider.
My mum is very stubborn, and I have very similar character.

79andnotout · 26/09/2023 16:52

Could you try and improve relations between the dogs between now and christmas? Involve a behaviourist? Better to work on a solution that will mollify all parties, if not in time for this christmas, but the next gathering?

I have two greyhounds and fortunately my inlaws are tolerant of them in their house at Christmas as it's the one time of the year I wouldn't leave them at home. The rest of the time I'm happy to chuck them in kennels (which they love as they have a massive paddock to run around).

stichguru · 26/09/2023 17:00

Just leave your dog at home! Problem solved. I mean you are being critical of your mum for being worried about the comfort of her dogs, and of not wanting you to bring the dog, so presumably your attitude is that the dogs don't come first and should be left out the way. Or maybe you aren't willing to do that for the comfort of your dog, in which case you are doing EXACTLY what you are upset at your mum for doing!

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 26/09/2023 17:09

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 22:24

Another wonderfully wise and measured response. Exactly what I came her for. Of course I don't equate her to a pet!! She just made me mad and she made her own mistakes in the conversation and I lashed out, shes 72, not 92. But your words measured and you're right. Thanks.

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It sounds like this could well be the crux of it. If you are a close family and you have a lovely Mum it can be difficult to acknowledge that the dynamic is changing and that you have to make adaptations to this - and it's not unusual for it to elicit a 'childish' response (I'm not calling you childish, to be clear, OP - it's just unsurprising that you have fallen more deeply into what some therapists call 'the child role' in response). A good few years ago I had a similar response to my Mum asking me and the kids not to come for Christmas as early as I normally would, as she needed the time and space to get ready. She also loves hosting and having a houseful and is reluctant to come to us instead, but she recognised she needed that space as the whole thing was getting more challenging. I was quite hurt and to be honest, felt a bit rejected and a bit tantrummy. When I'd given it some thought I realised my reaction was about not wanting to face up to the fact that it was an early sign the dynamic was changing between me and my lovely caring Mum. I didn't really want to acknowledge she wasn't always going to be able to play the same role for me, and that in fact I was going to have to be the grown-up and start playing the caring role more myself. It sounds like you've got pretty good awareness of yourself and of different points of view, OP - and you've readily accepted there's an apology to be made. The practicalities might be tricky to leave the dog elsewhere but if you can put your hurt to one side and make it happen, I think you will be glad of it in the long run.Edit: I can't seem to get paragraphs into this bugger, sorry OP!