Uninvited from Christmas Day

[Bs0u416d]

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

I know it’s hard for you, but you really do seem to have the info you need.

My dog ignores their pair and usually just sleeps on the sofa or finds a fire to flop infront of. But she we will wanter into a room and complain he's on a sofa when so are hers!

Come now, OP, you know this isn’t reasonable of you. She has two lapdogs that she allows on her furniture in her house. She does not want your massive Great Dane on the furniture and has said as much. That’s fair; a dog his size can damage it just by clambering on and off of it. The answer to this is to keep your dog off of her furniture, not to point out that her little cat-sized things are also on her furniture. They could probably have a rugby match on a settee and barely displace the pillows.

Ditto you getting unpleasant when the dogs are brought up in a negative way. It sounds like she can’t just say “Oi, daughter! Keep that bloody horse off my sofas!” without causing an argument. So instead she is clumsily dealing with it by rescinding the invitation. Frankly I think the reason she said you can’t come is simply because she thought saying that you can’t bring your dog would cause a bigger issue due to your past hot-headedness/defensiveness over him. She likely was hoping that saying you won’t be able to come would make you volunteer to make other arrangements for your dog rather than her having to tell you that your dog isn’t welcome.

I think the previous suggestion of having your Dane spend Christmas with your in-laws or something is a great idea. After all, he doesn’t know it’s Christmas and won’t mind hanging out with other people in the slightest. I’ve actually never spent a Christmas with my current dog as it’s not practical to bring her. She goes to a friend’s place and has a blast without me. Friend always texts a picture of my dog wearing a Santa hat or draped in fairy lights or something. 😂

Since you plan on calling to apologize for your death comment, I’d drop in something about your dog going to the in-laws/your friend’s place/whatever you arrange and see where the conversation goes from there.

And don’t worry, you’re not the only one to be ejected from Christmas plans this year because of previous years. My offence was not dog-related but I am also not invited this year. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

There are definitely a few things going on here.

You say that you DM have butted heads before about your dog and her new pups previously so I wonder if she had most of the conversation about Christmas, and options she felt you would and wouldn’t consider, without you in her own mind and then you were added in to the end part where she had concluded that you would not compromise? Not a great thing to do but it does happen.

I also agree that it sounds as though she is feeling a bit daunted by the hosting, whilst still loving to be the host and to have a full house, and is struggling to admit it fully to herself and perhaps she has fixated on your dog which is why you have both ended up here?

As frustrating it is and as quite hurtful the conversation you both had was, I think perhaps once the heat has left the situation you may go back to her and be a bit more gentle (and apologise for the comment which you’ve already said you plan to) and suggest a new way forward? If she is still refusing to have you for Christmas then that’s one thing, but she perhaps needs help coming out of the corner she’s boxed herself in to? It’s a stark realisation when you find that your parents are feeling their age and are having slight wobbles about their calabilites and mortality, however subtle they are when they are experiencing them.

I hope you both get it sorted and have a lovely family Christmas

Oh bore off. This is pretty typical of families at Christmas. How would you even know if the siblings had offered to host?

What an odd thing to say.

Are you a parent? If you are would you not be glad to have your children around you at Xmas time? Or maybe you kick yours out at 18 and hope you never see them again.

A Great Dane? To someone else’s house - that is unreasonable even if your mother is also being unreasonable and mean.

I would have Christmas at home tbh, trying to go to your mum's seems more hassle than it's worth.
I would continue with the plans for boxing day too, whether your mum likes it or not.
Alternatively, come to mine with your Dane, he / she will have a blast with my two Danes 😁
You're not guaranteed to leave with him / her though.❤️

I'd be put out too especially if everyone else's dogs are still invited.

I'd offer any possible solution if you have any where you could visit without dog.

If it's a firm no, host Boxing Day at yours and invite everyone (inc your parents and their dog)

I agree that as our DPs get older they may very well like the idea of hosting and wanting to be the 'matriarch' of the family but the reality is that it gets harder and harder ... yet they don't want to admit it.

The dog may just be an excuse and your DM might feel she can't articulate exactly how she feels .. just because someone has enjoyed hosting it in the past doesn't mean that they necessarily want to go on doing it forever.

You've only got to read the numerous threads on here about the strain of hosting Christmas and how people (& it's usually women) wish their families would just sod off at Christmas and leave them in peace and quiet .. perhaps the OP's mum is on Gransnet having a good old moan .

I put on a good act and am sure my family think I like hosting Christmas... the reality is that I would happily stay home alone and do exactly what I want ... I did one year, they all went skiing and I had the best Christmas ever!

I would assume she is using the dogs as an excuse to get out of hosting. The lack of solutions or even a conversation confirms that to me.

Maybe she’s finding hosting a bit too much but also has said to you before that your dog isn’t behaving itself - best option is to find a kennel so you can go or just stay home and invite everyone to yours the weekend before or after - Christmas is just a day

@smallshinybutton

Maybe she's fed up of that being the case and you always bringing your dog.

But not any of her other children's dogs? 🌹

Yes. She likes her children's other dogs. 🌹

I like being with family on Christmas Day and have only once or twice in 60 years spent it just with dh or my dh and children (one of those years being 2020) BUT I don't think of going to my parents house as "going home". Home is where I live. I also stopped expecting the older generation to host every year once I became an adult.

Mama90 how old are you? Peoples views chsnge it’s demanding hosting large groups of people and their families and dogs physically and mentally however much you love them - big ask of people north of 70.

Which is why usually gently the mid generation step up to facilitate these big Christmases for the parents so the parents can see their families but can actually enjoy them without the worry stress and skivvying.

The signs are here that the mum is fed up of hosting hence why she’s handled this badly. A thoughtful daughter would pick up on this not strop about her flipping outsize dog.

Not a dog person so find animals dictating whether or not I see family members absolutely baffling - the tail wagging the dog quite literally

@Bs0u416d

What a handsome chap your dog is! 🥰

dogs do seem to be a bit of an issue with older people. My own parents adore their dog who can’t do any wrong in their eyes but my sister’s big dogs are awful, they think. And it’s caused a few issues.

If you can get out of Christmas without any hurt feelings then I would. And it is not up to your mother who you can and can’t invite to your house for Boxing Day. She’s unreasonable and domineering about that.

OP I get your disappointment but wonder if this has a deeper meaning. Perhaps your mother is aware she can’t host for much longer and wants the last few times to be perfect (I.e. no nervous dogs). Personally I would look at care for your dog and go. The dog won’t know it’s Christmas. Don’t fall out with your mother because you are both stubborn - neither of you are wrong it’s just a difference in perspective.

Why be a martyr? As my children got older they all pitched in with helping out. My dc now do most of the cooking and tidying etc, we shop together.

Your dog is so beautiful. What a stunning chap! He's welcome here for a Yorkshire Christmas anytime!

All the posters that think she doesn't want to host, it doesn't make much sense when:

a) other siblings and dogs are still invited
b) op's mum was offended when op talked about inviting others for Boxing Day

It's very odd. I think I'd let things calm down and try and have a chat with her.

You aren't unreasonable to be really upset by this though.

Your dog is beautiful!

I think there are a few things here -

1. she has new dogs, she knows they aren't well behaved and she knows yours is, but the fact is, whether it's her dogs fault or not, your dogs presence probably ups their poor behaviour. So what's probably already a bit stressful becomes very stressful for her when your dog is in the equation. It doesn't really matter that your dog is the saint in this scenario as it's her house and her dog's territory so your dog becomes the problem when it arrives in their territory. It's not yours or your dog's fault. Just the way it is.
2. she was probably dreading having this conversation with you, knew she had to be firm about the dog and so approached the conversation from that angle because she was worried about it. She was probably so focussed on the difficult conversation that she didn't think through the rest of it. Not ideal but quite common when people have to do confrontation, they go too far with it because they are nervous.
3. you could also suggest the work round, no point causing a big rift when there are potential work rounds that haven't yet been explored. Be the bigger person, ring her up, apologise for the off the cuff remark and then ask if you can work together to find a solution.
4. I have a dog, the rest of my family have dogs, we do mix them at Xmas, but bugger me is it stressful! My dog is in fact not a saint, but I'm used to her pain in the arse habits. Other family dogs are also not complete saints, nothing too bad, but getting on my sofa is one of the things; but the main thing is, the annoying things their dogs do is amplified because they are not my dogs! 🤣 a bit like you can cope with your own kids irritating habits but when you see it in other kids - well you tend towards thinking by they are that little bit extra annoying than your own. It's just what you're used to and not necessarily rational.

Just remember, she's dealing with really young dogs and it's very stressful, that combined with doing Christmas hosting has probably made her realise any extra dog stress might just make her Xmas too hard to handle.

You sound like you are heading towards phoning her anyway and sorting it out, but do it sooner rather than later so neither of you has too long to stew on what the other has said that upset them.

Here's hoping you have a lovely Xmas despite the way it feels at the moment.

She doesnt want to host OP's dog

If you all have dogs are your other family members taking their dogs?

have you straight up said you’re hurt and asked to discuss workarounds?