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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from Christmas Day

384 replies

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:01

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

OP posts:
Cat1313 · 26/09/2023 21:21

Leave your dog at home.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/09/2023 21:28

LindorDoubleChoc · 26/09/2023 21:14

Mid 30s is not a child who needs to be pandered to at Christmas. Not a child who needs to "go home" and have their dream Christmas served up to them on a plate.

I am 60 and have friends of similar age who, love their adult children and grandchildren as they do, tear their hair out in frustration as to how these adults revert to childish behaviour and dynamics once they are back in the family home. Even if it isn't actually the home they grew up in.

It's not an unusual frustration for older (not elderly) people to have with their adult dc.

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I just thought it was funny to consider 30s pushing middle age.

Mendingslowly · 26/09/2023 21:44

Your dog is gorgeous OP. That's about as constructive as I can get on this thread. I'd have him for you, but my own dog would probably terrorise him.

Sillyname63 · 26/09/2023 21:48

Has everyone been un-invited? Is you mother using the dogs as a cop out of hosting Xmas day, is she finding it to much, either the hosting or the cost as I get the impression you ain't the only one with a dog?, If the other members are willing to come to you either on the big day or the Boxing day , go with that, if she says anything about being upset tell her she is welcome to come and see what happens.

InWalksBarberalla · 26/09/2023 21:49

Graciebobcat · 26/09/2023 16:37

Elderly? She is likely in her 50s or 60s and very far from elderly.

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The OP has said her mum is 72.

My parents and in laws are around that age and we've definitely seen changes in coping recently in some of them - physically they seem not that changed but mentally less resilient and flexible.

Lavender14 · 26/09/2023 21:59

Op we're in a similar position but in a different way because my parents dog (who is unsocialised and nervous) started biting this year so I'm not happy to bring my very friendly, well socialised dog the way we normally would.

How far are you from your parents?

We're a 2 hr drive from mine so it's basically going to mean we can't go for as long. We'll have our dog out at the crack for a huge walk and then he'll be home while we head up to my parents for a few hours and then we'll need to leave reasonably early to get back for him unless dh family who live near us are willing to pop in and let him out etc. Would you be able to do something similar?

If she's not training her dogs properly there's a risk they might approach your dog reactively and since he's well trained and socialised you wouldn't want that experience to undermine the training you've worked hard on.

I'd go to her with a list of suggestions of what you think could work and let her mull them over when she's not flustered.

BurnToastAgain · 26/09/2023 22:06

My parents are getting on in years and I accept the fact that they will change as they age further. I think we all do/will, if we live long enough.

If I were you I’d cut my parents some slack and also stop slagging off their dogs because they are smaller than yours, nervous/anxious and urinators, in your words. If you think about it, your dog probably produces more waste than theirs if it’s anything like the many G Danes I’ve known over the years.

Your problem does have a solution but I think you want to prevail and that’s why you aren’t even trying to arrange care. Your dog is important to you so why are you acting so surprised that hers are equally important to her? If she knows her dogs will be stressed by your dog, and not by those of your siblings, do you think the onus is on her to kennel her pups?

LittleMonstera · 26/09/2023 22:10

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 22:00

I acknowledge that what I said to my mother was a) mean and b) in the moment. On the whole, I am not mean, I am a caring and engaged (and very generous family member)

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Just for balance I snort laughed reading the who dies first comment and so did my partner (and we're also fairly nice people IMO).

If it's not been said I'd keep in mind normal, age related, cognitive decline in your mother's odd behaviour. My own DM, in her 70s, has at times reacted in an unusually volatile way over small problems that she would have shrugged off once upon a time.

T1Dmama · 27/09/2023 00:59

It’s such a tough one… she has new dogs which have changed the dynamics of Christmas…. But if my 2 dogs didn’t get on with another family members then I wouldn’t take mine to theirs or want theirs at mine..
we have to leave my dogs home Christmas, I get a comment for leaving to check on them / walk them… but then my parents don’t like dogs and find them a huge inconvenience.

Emz6103 · 27/09/2023 02:43

LindorDoubleChoc · 25/09/2023 19:14

Dogs aside, it's probably time that you and your adult siblings (all in your 30s) offer to host your parents and inlaws every now and then? It's kind of childish to "go home" for Christmas when you're pushing middle age.

Nonsense!! Nothing childish about spending every other Christmas with your siblings and parents. Rather nice actually! Jealous?

CrappyBarbara · 27/09/2023 02:59

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:27

He's been going to their house for 4 years though you're perfectly entitled to your opinion. Your right I suppose re the alternative care but its not that straight forward over christmas (becasue I'd not want to kennel him, which is my own barreir to the situation so your point provides useful introsepction)

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It’s September. I guarantee if you start trying now in earnest you will find a sitter for your dog over Christmas. Not everyone has family to spend the holiday with or wants to and there are people out there would love to make some extra money spending time with a sweet dog. If you have any Jewish friends ask them to ask around their community — we don’t even celebrate Christmas.

But if you’re stuck on making a point because your mum won’t let your dog come then by all means don’t bother to try.

Candymay · 27/09/2023 04:12

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 20:26

This is very possible. Our dog is not difficult by any means but he does loom large (literally) and he does tend to ignore other people so whilst he isnt unpleasant, he doesnt ingratiate himself.

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This is a hilarious description! Thanks for the laugh at 04:00.

I have a feral cat here in my room. She’s also not ingratiating herself.

LindorDoubleChoc · 27/09/2023 07:12

Emz6103 · 27/09/2023 02:43

Nonsense!! Nothing childish about spending every other Christmas with your siblings and parents. Rather nice actually! Jealous?

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No. Not jealous. You appear to have misunderstood me.

TheaBrandt · 27/09/2023 07:17

Quite a few defensive posts about expecting elderly parents to take on the full Christmas load. It’s exhausting hosting and catering for a large group - the mid lifers (30 plus) need to flipping well step up and take over hosting these large meet ups - you are not a 19 year old back from university anymore!

Notonthestairs · 27/09/2023 07:30

TheaBrandt · 27/09/2023 07:17

Quite a few defensive posts about expecting elderly parents to take on the full Christmas load. It’s exhausting hosting and catering for a large group - the mid lifers (30 plus) need to flipping well step up and take over hosting these large meet ups - you are not a 19 year old back from university anymore!

Then why did she block the Op from hosting on Boxing Day? It makes no sense.

Skodacool · 27/09/2023 07:42

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 25/09/2023 21:14

It's her home. She can invite or not invite whom she pleases. And it's very rude to expect to bring your dog unless the dog is explicitly invited.

Like so many on here you don’t seem to have read the OP.

Feduptosaytheleast · 27/09/2023 07:42

We used to have a Great Dane, they really are gentle giants! We would be happy to have him over Christmas if you live near us!

MrsRachelDanvers · 27/09/2023 08:39

Notonthestairs · 27/09/2023 07:30

Then why did she block the Op from hosting on Boxing Day? It makes no sense.

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Maybe the OP should, instead of taking umbrage gently question her mother. Reading the posts, it seems out of character from someone who was always previously welcoming. Maybe hosting a large group plus animals has become a bit stressful for her-and it’s making her behave a bit irrationally. Normally people who have been generous and welcoming don’t suddenly become the opposite as they get older-but things previously found easy become harder to deal with.

Beautiful3 · 27/09/2023 09:04

Maybe she's a little over protective of her new babies? I'd not take it personally and just stay home with your lovely dog.

Lavenderosa · 27/09/2023 09:38

The OPs Mum isn't elderly, she's 72 and stays in her very large house because she loves to host the whole family (five adult children, spouses/partners, grandchildren and assorted dogs). No doubt she isn't the only one peeling the potatoes on Christmas morning so it's not like she's waiting on everyone hand and foot while they just sit around (or is she?).

OP, if you want to be there you'll have to make arrangements for the dog, either at your sibling's place or local kennels. It means backing down and your Mum will have won (which it sounds like will irritate you immensely) but if you want to be petty, take a huge photo of your dog and keep putting it on various bits of furniture!

InWalksBarberalla · 27/09/2023 11:30

Since when is 72 not considered elderly?

Silvers11 · 27/09/2023 11:35

The rest of the conversation did not go well. She got upset because the family Christmas was going to be incomplete but was equally not suggesting alternative solution to us staying with them. I may or may not have said " there isn't any point in being upset, whether we have a family Christmas again now depends on if you or (my) dog die first" this was not my finest hour.

Honestly @Bs0u416d I have read all your posts and many of the replies, but can you honestly cross your heart and say that what you have posted is Exactly the way it went down, because there is something in your later posts that suggests that what we are being told is not the entire truth?

Did she really phone you and say, as an opening for starters, I'm sorry but I don't want you coming at Christmas this year because of your dog? Or did she say first, that this year she would prefer that you came without your dog? Which you then refused to do because a) you don't want to put your dog in Kennels for a few days and b) you were upset and made the above horrible statement in retaliation, without talking about compromises? Because it sounds more realistic that it was something like I have suggested and it therefore then sparked off into a row?

I do genuinely understand why you are taken aback, if it hasn't been an apparent problem before, but to be honest it does sound like it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other as far as you and your Mum are concerned, with both of you wanting your own way as far as the dogs are concerned - and since it is your Mum's house, then she is entitled to say that she doesn't want your dog there?

It doesn't really matter why she doesn't want your dog there, the fact is she doesn't. If you choose not to put the dog in kennels then that's your choice. I don't think your Mum is putting her dogs above her child ( you), so I think YABU in this instance. Sorry!

cavalier · 27/09/2023 12:20

They could invite you and your dear dog over to introduce them to each other at least ? …
Hes a big dog of course and some have nerves around them even though they are usually very placid … Hes part of the family too …
gradual introduction would be the fairest and sensible thing I would say imho

good luck .. we love our animals .. we are not going to anybody homes at Christmas.. we have a Maincoon cat and she goes to a cattery at least 3 times .. mostly short stays but I love to be home in my own abode at Christmas .. and then we see our grandsons for our eldest grandsons bday 6 Jan … Christmas is a precious time and should not be filled with so much angst … it comes and goes in a flash. Good luck I hope something can be arranged for a happy conclusion

Janey331 · 27/09/2023 13:05

How's about you and your 'adult ' siblings do some adulting and invite your DPs to eachothers houses in turn at Christmas for a change, to take the weight of your poor mother?
Adult 'kids' these days never seem to grow up and the cost/hassle and politics of entertaining always seem to land on DPs or DPs parents. Invite them all to yours for Christmas Dinner and ask your mum to leave their pooches at home for a couple of hours if they don't like your dog!