Secrets out and I feel stupid

[Kittylala]

To think my 5 year old could keep her mouth shut.
I cannot look at her. I am so disappointed. She has told everyone at at school that I am (5 weeks) pregnant. Her father wanted her to know first. I wanted to tell my parents early due to a family wedding next week.
I told her it was our family secret. I told her that if it slips out - just cover it by saying 'it's a joke'.
Instead she has told 6 kids who's parents I dispise and told them to keep it a secret. The parents and I were all good friends last year. I am disabled. I don't know what happened, but they have been ignoring me for the majority of the year. I didn't want them to know.
My parents in the end didn't take the news well. Again I don't know why. I am so disappointed. My daughter is wonderful. I am angry with my partner. I am so low. How do I get back control? I wish I hadn't told anyone, not even my partner x

But can you bring yourself to look the fox in the eye?

To think my 5 year old could keep her mouth shut
I cannot look at her

I’m at a loss to understand how anyone can say this about their 5 year old child. You can’t blame a child for goodness sake. You’re the parent OP, you shouldn’t have told her. You also encouraged her to lie and say “it’s a joke” if it “slipped out” so you were more than aware she may have said something.

I’m disgusted that any parent would encourage their child to keep “family secrets”. That’s a safeguarding issue right there. Your poor child. How do you get back in control? You apologise for asking her to keep anything a secret to start with!

I can understand why you are annoyed with your partner for telling a 5 year old - it would be very surprising if she then managed not to tell anyone and much more likely that she told nearly everyone she met. Odd thing to do really without discussing the timing with you. It is also a very very long time for your daughter to wait before the baby is born.

Control over what? How and when people find out about your pregnancy? That horse has long bolted. People will find out anyway in time - doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things does it? Most people [who aren't your immediate family/very close friends] won't really be that interested...and it will be yesterday's gossip by tomorrow at best.

Thank you so much everyone. You are all right. After writing my post I gave her a big hug. I am disappointed in myself mostly for letting my dh persuade me into telling her. Of course she is 5 years old and of course she is excited to tell everyone. I am angry that I am being forced to divulge my news to passify others. I am upset about my parents reaction. Mum has now told her friends. I am upset and angry with no where to divert these feelings. I want time to process, but I can't because I have to parent. I have no control. It stems from having a narc mother. I just don't know how to get a sense of independence and control. I feel so much shame and anger at how pathetic my life is, I am.

Thank you all xx

This!!!

Why did you tell her?

She is 5 years old. 5.

Your reaction is completely over the top and I really feel for your DD, she must be feeling awful due to your reaction.

You cannot look at her , you're so disappointed? Wow op just wow

YABVU

OP, congratulations on your news.

In terms of you saying you feel out of control on this matter, Ask yourself if those thoughts are rational or if there are alternative interpretations?
Sometimes, reframing a thought is all it takes to flip the switch.

Perhaps Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations or realistic statements.

I am creating a safe and loving environment for my baby.
Or
My baby is a source of love, happiness, and endless wonder

OP, it doesn't sound like you want this baby. Please don't feel forced into having a baby you don't want.

I can only hope you have written your post in haste. To say you 'can't look at' your 5 year old is just absolutely horrible!

YABVU in thinking she could keep this or any secret.

Edit - just seen your update and relieved to see you have given your daughter a hug.
Sounds like you have little support from your family I hope your partner steps up to assist you through this all.

You are emotionally abusing your daughter. I know that sounds dramatic but you shouldn't be telling her to keep family secrets and to lie to people. That's immoral.

And now you're giving her the cold shoulder (or not looking at her in your words) because she acted her age and spilled the beans.

It's not her fault, it's yours. Don't put this on her, she's only small; you're the adult.

And what relevance has your parents feelings towards it got?

Time to stop being defensive and start taking responsibility.

You need to create boundaries with your narc Mother. She will have enjoyed looking disappointed in you, knowing the hurt she caused. She views you as weaker than her and uses your desire to please her to reinforce that.

Also, please remind your dh that it is better to wait until after the first scan. I have had lots of miscarriages and would never want to explain to a five year old that the baby is 'gone'.

If your mum is a narc can you reduce contact with her and just focus on your own family?

Why would you tell a 5yo at 5 weeks pregnant anyway? Way too early I think

There's a reason why 5 year olds aren't employed by the Secret Service.

What on earth were you thinking?

Congratulations!
BTW, if I wanted the whole town to know something, I never had to announce it. All it took was to tell my DD it was a big secret.
You're massively BU. She's a child. Taking it out on her is completely wrong.

I think your husband is the problem here. He is the one who insisted on telling her, thus placing you in a very awkward position if she (predictably) told everyone around her. He's an idiot if he thought a five year old would be able to keep a secret, and he's selfish for exposing you to all that negativity in your social circle so he wouldn't have to be discreet around her.

I’d pretend she hasn’t said anything and if anyone asks just say it’s early days I’d appreciate you keeping it to yourself. If my child comes home and tells me anyones pregnant I don’t mention it until I know it’s obvious or the mum tells me first because these things happen! Enjoy your moment OP, don’t let it be overcast with this xx

"To think my 5 year old could keep her mouth shut
I cannot look at her"

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Your dd is only five - not her fault. My dd is 8 and can't keep a secret to save her life, so she doesn't get told. Lesson learned.

If you want something to be a secret you don’t tell a 5 year old.

I don’t think the parents will give a shiny shite to be honest. I’m sure they’ve got enough in their own lives going on. Sorry to be blunt but op, but you’re not that important.

You cannot expect a 5yo to keep such an exciting secret. Your partner was silly to think that a good idea. You really cannot blame her. Please give her a break and realise how silly this is.

Five year olds always tell the secrets.

Wow - really mean. Your daughter doesn’t deserve you feeling like that.