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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re friend bringing dog everywhere

370 replies

Toomanythalias · 25/09/2023 13:41

My friend got a dog a couple of years ago and now insists on bringing him everywhere. If we want to go for a coffee we have to go to a dog friendly cafe. If we want to go for a meal we have to go to a dog friendly restaurant. If she calls over to any of our houses she assumes it's ok to bring the dog. We probably should have said something before now as it's been really irritating us.
Anyhow, we're going away early next year for a few days to celebrate a couple of big birthdays in the group. We were planning to spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere like the Cotswolds, and just enjoy a couple of days relaxing, chatting, eating nice meals etc. However this friend is just assuming she can bring her dog, and is sending lists of dog friendly hotels for us to check out. We told her yesterday that we don't want the dog to come and we don't want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and she needs to sort out care for the dog while she's away. She is now in a huff, says she doesn't want to come, she's obviously not wanted ..... I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling exasperated with her attitude.
Were we being unreasonable to have put our foot down?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 26/09/2023 08:20

Just start choosing places that don't allow dogs. Dogs are becoming a nuisance. I don't like them. If other folk do that's up to them. You shouldn't have to make plans to accommodate a dog that isn't even yours.

Allofthisisasimulation · 26/09/2023 08:24

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 26/09/2023 05:22

Yep, just another dog bashing thread. I would say the friend is better off going it alone - with her real friend.

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Can you explain how not wanting a dog to be there every time you do something is 'dog bashing'?

Namddf · 26/09/2023 08:29

theleafandnotthetree · 26/09/2023 08:13

Of course they can be left for periods of time, this has gone out of hand. They fit around your life, not the other way around. And if they are occasionally unhappy or 'miss you' (although I head ascribing human emotions to animals) that is not the tragedy of the ages either. Just like it wouldn't be if they were human indeed! I think when people look back of hundreds of years in say 50 or 60 years and we are truly fucked as a species, the way some people indulge their pets will be seen as symptomatic of our decadence and ridiculousness as a society.

P

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Totally agree. The world’s gone bonkers.

CherryCokeFanatic · 26/09/2023 08:32

Does she have any mental health problems or history you are aware of?

Perhaps this dog is acting as an emotional support dog and is the only way she is able to manage to get out of the house or engage in social situations

Spanne · 26/09/2023 08:35

I don’t see an issue with a dog sitting under a table at a bar if they’re allowed, and I like my mates (and dogs) so would accommodate where possible. The sneaky bringing him and forcing plans to change is a bit off but I wouldn’t fall out with someone about it.

Greenpolkadot · 26/09/2023 08:40

We don't have a dog but have stayed in dog friendly hotels simply because we liked the hotel.
If she's still wanting to come and your still talking to each other I'd aim for a hotel that doesn't accomadate dogs and resist all suggestions from her .

Mrsttcno1 · 26/09/2023 08:41

Nanaof1 · 26/09/2023 07:01

She knows dang well her dog is an intrusion. That was proven with her little stunt at the restaurant. She knew it wasn't a dog friendly place but she forced the dog on everyone so they had to change their plans to accommodate the dang dog.

If they are going to an outdoorsy place, they STILL have the right to say "No" to her bringing the dog. Some of them have dogs and get the picture but she doesn't because she is an entitled nitwit who thinks everyone should be as ga-ga over her dog as she is; and they aren't.

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The thing is though, they didn’t HAVE to change their plans to accommodate the dog regarding the restaurant. As they had a reservation elsewhere as a group they could have said oh no, we have x booked, we’re going there. She’s never been told the dog was a problem until now, they have always seemed happy enough to change plans to accommodate the dog so rightly or wrongly, you can see why she’s suddenly a bit surprised that the entire group has changed their mind. If I was her I’d probably be wondering if the group has been speaking about me behind my back about this for a long time and would feel a bit hurt, as I would have expected my friend to tell me straight from the start?

Also re. the outdoorsy place, I think it depends. We have a dog now who’s 2, but before that didn’t have a dog and one of our friends did. We have always gone to the Lakes as a group a couple of times a year and even before we had our dog, they brought theirs to the Lakes. The b&b’s are essentially all dog friendly there, you’d be hard pushed to find one that isn’t, so factoring their dog in never affected where we chose to stay. And when your plans for the day are breakfast’s in dog friendly cafes anyway, walking throughout the day, and then going to the pub at night for tea/drinks (which are all dog friendly anyway), it really made no difference to our plans whether or not they brought their dog, because it didn’t alter any of our plans in any way.

If the plans were to go to London and then have a day in the spa, a night out in a fancy bar etc, then yes obviously someone bringing a dog does change the plans and that is different. But if it was a situation where all of the plans are unaffected by having a dog, and in a situation where your group of friends have never mentioned the dog being an issue before, I can see why she might be surprised its suddenly a problem

lemonraincoat · 26/09/2023 08:50

I actively avoid going to "dog friendly" hotels. The thought of dogs scraping their bums across the floor is very off-putting.

I recently developed an "allergy" when someone with a dog tried to get me to treat their dog like a little person.

Spanne · 26/09/2023 08:55

Wait til you hear what humans get up to in hotels 😱

Mothership4two · 26/09/2023 09:02

I have a dog and YANBU. I never take her if I'm going to other friend's houses and rarely when meeting up for coffee/meal. The only time I have gone to a dog friendly cafe/pub with friends is if we've been for a dog walk together having discussed it first. I would never dream of imposing her on others going away on a break.

When we have big get togethers with DH's side of the family, where there tends to be lots of dogs there or brought along and we still always check that it is OK to bring her.

MrsMarzetti · 26/09/2023 09:05

Spanne · 26/09/2023 08:35

I don’t see an issue with a dog sitting under a table at a bar if they’re allowed, and I like my mates (and dogs) so would accommodate where possible. The sneaky bringing him and forcing plans to change is a bit off but I wouldn’t fall out with someone about it.

Not every dog is made to lie under the table. Too many owners expect that their mutt can sit o a seat or go and bother other customers.

bridgetreilly · 26/09/2023 09:06

Frankly, YABU to have let it get this far. If you don’t want the dog in your house, why haven’t you said so? If you don’t want a dog-friendly meal out, why haven’t you put your foot down? You’ve let her bring her dog everywhere so of course she thinks she can bring her dog everywhere.

Allofthisisasimulation · 26/09/2023 09:06

Spanne · 26/09/2023 08:55

Wait til you hear what humans get up to in hotels 😱

How is this relevant though?

Solonge · 26/09/2023 09:09

Her dog IS her child. She wants to bring her dog everywhere as she lives with her dog, considers her dog ‘family’ and clearly doesnt want to leave dog. No ones fault. Might have helped if you had explained early doors dogs not your thing and that you dont always wish to attend dog friendly places. She clearly has a tight bond with the dog but has to allow for not everyone feeling the same. I think a one to one to explain would help and would calm the situation.

Taketurn · 26/09/2023 09:09

She can piss of then and spend the weekend with her dog instead. She nuts.

athrobbingpairoftrousers · 26/09/2023 09:11

Have experienced exactly the same. Friend brings dog everywhere. Each year we usually have a weekend away. She hinted at bringing her dog but was told straight, no way. These weekends have existed since our kids were at school and we managed never to bring husbands, partners or kids so you are certainly not bringing your dog.
She still brings it everywhere though on our weekly meet ups.

And as for a dog thread every week, good. Bring it on. Maybe it’ll finally cause the penny to drop with these entitled dog owners that no-one else is invested in their fur baby as they are. I noticed that even today, the I-paper has a special report in their magazine. Hopefully if said dog owners read how the rest of the world feel about their entitled-ness (and no I don’t hate dogs, just some entitled owners)

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/09/2023 09:11

How ON EARTH could anyone think you are being unreasonable OP?!

Genuinely curious as to how anyone could think you unreasonable!

Solonge · 26/09/2023 09:12

Really? We live in countryside area where everyone has dogs. We eat out every week, pubs and restaurants and only seen a dog on a chair once! Now France is a different matter. All restaurants appear to be dog friendly with most sitting at the table. At least in the UK you can choose to not eat at a dog friendly restaurant.

Allofthisisasimulation · 26/09/2023 09:13

Solonge · 26/09/2023 09:09

Her dog IS her child. She wants to bring her dog everywhere as she lives with her dog, considers her dog ‘family’ and clearly doesnt want to leave dog. No ones fault. Might have helped if you had explained early doors dogs not your thing and that you dont always wish to attend dog friendly places. She clearly has a tight bond with the dog but has to allow for not everyone feeling the same. I think a one to one to explain would help and would calm the situation.

Her dog IS her child substitute.

24HoursFromTulseHillEstate · 26/09/2023 09:13

CDiamond · 26/09/2023 02:15

Dogs are not kids, agree on that factually but for many dog owners, their dogs are like their kids. You guys are not being unreasonable IF you have banned kids and partners from these activties as well (coffees, lunches, weekends, etc - really are mothers in your group able to make all this without their kids? Feels like a lot of regular plans and I doubt most parents can do so much without kids, if they are young).

If kids or partners are being allowed to join, then only fair for dogs to be allowed too (unless one of the kids has extreme fear of dogs, or the dog is badly behaved, etc - this should be by exception and with good rationale). Otherwise, its a bit petty to vote-out a friend rather than accomodate her love for her dog (and her dog!).

Kids can go into museums, galleries, National Trust properties, all cafes…

OK, kids can’t be shut in the car for an hour while you go round a NT property, but these kind of dog owners won’t do that anyway.

Solonge · 26/09/2023 09:14

I dont have a dog but like dogs. But following what you said, I often feel the same. about children in restaurants, on flights etc. at least dogs dont scream endlessly or temper tantrum when you are having a pleasant meal. You can choose a restaurant thats not dog friendly, I cant choose a child free restaurant!

Iwantcakeeveryday · 26/09/2023 09:21

Have you considered this might be an emotional support dog? My friend takes hers everywhere for this reason. It happens to not bother me, but if it did I would say something the moment it did rather than let it build up for a long time. If you're a good friend, discuss with her why she takes it everywhere as most people don't, ask if there is something you're missing. We all make allowances for friends don't we, there are probably things about you she finds annoying and would love you to leave at home! So if the friendship is important, try to approach her with less judgement. It doesn't mean you have to accommodate the dog on holiday, its more about how you speak to your friend. I wouldn't care at all about the dog being around for coffees etc thats really not a big deal.

Womencanlift · 26/09/2023 09:24

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 26/09/2023 05:22

Yep, just another dog bashing thread. I would say the friend is better off going it alone - with her real friend.

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Every day there are “bashing” threads on various topics on here, kids, partners, MILs, neighbours etc. It is kind of the point of a discussion forum. There are plenty of non bashing dog threads too (albeit not so much in AIBU, maybe take a guess why that is)

Why are dogs not allowed to be discussed?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 26/09/2023 09:25

She's probably ended up in the realms of having a dog she can't leave now due to it never having learned it ok to be left.
It probably creates holy hell when she leaves it so she doesn't leave it. I imagine her attitude to you guys saying something is her feeling a little silly that she's never trained her dog to be alone and realisation that her life is quite restricted because of it.
You were all well within your rights to say something to her - perhaps it would have been better sooner but that's by the by.

Make your plans, include her, but don't be surprised if she doesn't participate. If her dog has separation anxiety, it can be difficult to manage - but she's only got herself to blame and she'll have to manage it because it's not fair on the dog otherwise.

Freepublictransport · 26/09/2023 09:26

Good for you standing your ground.
I have a dog, I wouldn’t dream of being expected to take her everywhere.
in fact, a friend asked me to visit her for a long weekend 3 hours away and I said let me find a weekend my daughter can stay with the dog or I’ll put her in kennels. My friend said you’re not invited if you don’t bring the dog.

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