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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re friend bringing dog everywhere

370 replies

Toomanythalias · 25/09/2023 13:41

My friend got a dog a couple of years ago and now insists on bringing him everywhere. If we want to go for a coffee we have to go to a dog friendly cafe. If we want to go for a meal we have to go to a dog friendly restaurant. If she calls over to any of our houses she assumes it's ok to bring the dog. We probably should have said something before now as it's been really irritating us.
Anyhow, we're going away early next year for a few days to celebrate a couple of big birthdays in the group. We were planning to spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere like the Cotswolds, and just enjoy a couple of days relaxing, chatting, eating nice meals etc. However this friend is just assuming she can bring her dog, and is sending lists of dog friendly hotels for us to check out. We told her yesterday that we don't want the dog to come and we don't want to stay in a dog friendly hotel and she needs to sort out care for the dog while she's away. She is now in a huff, says she doesn't want to come, she's obviously not wanted ..... I'm torn between feeling bad and feeling exasperated with her attitude.
Were we being unreasonable to have put our foot down?

OP posts:
Nugg · 26/09/2023 05:17

I adore my dog and take her lots of places but I'm aware of boundaries and your friend is not!! YANBU

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 26/09/2023 05:22

Cosyblankets · 25/09/2023 13:57

Wonder what tomorrow's dog thread will be? There's literally a dog thread every day.
Is she the only one with a dog?
Does she really not get it?

Yep, just another dog bashing thread. I would say the friend is better off going it alone - with her real friend.

Bubbleblues6 · 26/09/2023 05:27

She is being ridiculous you can't always take the dog. I have a Staffordshire bull terrier and my friend had a Patterdale. She always has it with her too so when we meet for a walk/coffee in the park I don't take my dog. But she would not bring it to other places so she's not like your friend. Why would she even want the dog on a weekend away with her friends in a hotel. Thats bonkers

CrazyHamsterLady · 26/09/2023 05:35

Why should one person’s desire out of the group trump everyone else’s, sounds like you’ve been very accommodating so far. It’s not like the dog is a service animal, just a loved pet. But it’s her pet, not yours, and shouldn’t restrict your choices of where you can go.

PumpkinBum3 · 26/09/2023 06:02

Not at all unreasonable. Whenever we see MIL the dogs HAVE to come. They are prioritised over her grandchild and we are very limited in what we can do as it must revolve around the dogs. It’s boring and I’m done with it myself.

Your friend needs to learn her pet isn’t the centre of everybody’s world and she’s selfish. Not to mention frigging weird.

Therealjudgejudy · 26/09/2023 06:02

Fair play for standing your ground.

Roselilly36 · 26/09/2023 06:12

I can totally see why you are irritated OP. It now seems that you can’t do anything with your friend without the dog, that would get on my nerves too. I wouldn’t want my friend coming on the break in these circumstances, if she stays in the dog friendly hotel, she will be bringing dog out for meals/coffees and everywhere you want to visit, if she doesn’t bring the dog, no doubt she will worry about it constantly and that could spoil your break away. Good luck & enjoy the Cotswolds.

Nanaof1 · 26/09/2023 06:56

Lavender14 · 25/09/2023 14:45

Unless it's an assistance or support dog then she's being unreasonable. I love my dog, we bring him with us most places we go and will choose dog friendly places so he's accommodated but if we're meeting others we would never presume that we can bring the dog unless we're meeting for a walk or somewhere i know is dog friendly and i wouldn't insist on it. In some instances I would bring him like for example if you were doing a walking holiday and found a lovely airbnb that happened to allow pets, I'd see no reason why she couldn't bring the dog as long as she can partake in all planned activities or is happy to do her own thing while you all go to the spa or to a particular restaurant etc. But again for something like that I'd still probably try to board him so I could do everything planned as a group unless I knew I could leave him at the air bnb and he'd settle and be fine.

I would put my foot down and just not give in but keep including her and asking her opinion on hotels etc so she knows she is still wanted. If she's chooses not to go so she can stay with her dog then that's up to her but she can't dictate everyone's holiday .

If she relies on her dog for confidence when she goes out I'd ask what she plans to do with the dog when you all do certain activities? For example if you go to the spa she can't bring the dog and many hotels won't allow her to leave the dog unattended in the room. Or is she expecting you to also plan activities around the dog as well as accommodation?

I will say that we've stayed in 5*hotels that are dog friendly and gorgeous squeaky clean air bnbs. If you do your research it doesn't mean you need to stay somewhere grotty to accommodate the dog if that's a concern. But as with anything like this, it has to be a group agreement. No one person can dictate.

Maybe the rest of the group just doesn't want to deal with her dang dog. Maybe they don't care about a 5* hotel that is "still dog friendly" or a "pet friendly" AirBnB. Not EVERYONE wants to be around a dog all of the dang time. People have the right to not want the dog on the trip at all, no matter what their plans might be.

You may love your dog to death but don't expect every other person to feel the same.

Nanaof1 · 26/09/2023 07:01

Mrsttcno1 · 25/09/2023 14:49

I can see both sides of this, you’re allowed to feel however you feel about dogs, but if nobody has ever said anything about this before and her dog has, as you say, always tagged along, surely you can’t be too surprised that she assumes the dog would be able to come there?

Depending on the place you’re going/what the plans are, I can sort of see why she might have thought it okay to bring the dog. Like we have a dog, we don’t take him everywhere and if for example we were going for a city break, he’d be staying over with his dog walker, but if we were going to the Lake District then we’d take him, because in the Lakes actually everywhere is dog friendly and bringing him wouldn’t change what our plans might be, the cafes/pubs/restaurants/shops etc are dog friendly, so we would take him. But obviously if we were going to a city centre hotel for a weekend away, that’s not a dog friendly location, we couldn’t go shopping/restaurant etc so we’d leave him. Maybe the place you’re going is a bit like the Lakes and she knows places there to be dog friendly, and up to now nobody has said anything about her dog coming along to your cafes/restaurants, so she can’t see the difference between doing that at home and doing that elsewhere?

She knows dang well her dog is an intrusion. That was proven with her little stunt at the restaurant. She knew it wasn't a dog friendly place but she forced the dog on everyone so they had to change their plans to accommodate the dang dog.

If they are going to an outdoorsy place, they STILL have the right to say "No" to her bringing the dog. Some of them have dogs and get the picture but she doesn't because she is an entitled nitwit who thinks everyone should be as ga-ga over her dog as she is; and they aren't.

IncompleteSenten · 26/09/2023 07:08

Let her get on with her sulk and when she starts on about you excluding her or not wanting her to come, tell her that you want her to come not her dog and she's choosing to not come rather than make dog care arrangements.

Her life revolves around her dog but that doesn't mean yours has to and she's upset because her bulldozing and manipulation has stopped working. Tough shit.

EthicalNonMahogany · 26/09/2023 07:08

If kids or partners are being allowed to join, then only fair for dogs to be allowed too

um, no it isn't. A partner is a human (and anyway they don't usually always come). Children are humans (and, again, usually they don't always come). A dog is a creature you are deliberately causing to exist for your own amusement, it has no right to be anywhere. Why not bring your horse, hamster or fish? Ridiculous.

Nanaof1 · 26/09/2023 07:20

EthicalNonMahogany · 26/09/2023 07:08

If kids or partners are being allowed to join, then only fair for dogs to be allowed too

um, no it isn't. A partner is a human (and anyway they don't usually always come). Children are humans (and, again, usually they don't always come). A dog is a creature you are deliberately causing to exist for your own amusement, it has no right to be anywhere. Why not bring your horse, hamster or fish? Ridiculous.

That's what I had been thinking! Why not your pet boa, python, flying squirrel, descented skunk, parrot, chicken or pygmy goat?

Dwappy · 26/09/2023 07:22

CDiamond · 26/09/2023 02:15

Dogs are not kids, agree on that factually but for many dog owners, their dogs are like their kids. You guys are not being unreasonable IF you have banned kids and partners from these activties as well (coffees, lunches, weekends, etc - really are mothers in your group able to make all this without their kids? Feels like a lot of regular plans and I doubt most parents can do so much without kids, if they are young).

If kids or partners are being allowed to join, then only fair for dogs to be allowed too (unless one of the kids has extreme fear of dogs, or the dog is badly behaved, etc - this should be by exception and with good rationale). Otherwise, its a bit petty to vote-out a friend rather than accomodate her love for her dog (and her dog!).

Surely it would only be more like kids/partners if bringing them along was changing where you'd go.
For example they'd all booked a pub with a strict no children policy then someone turned up with their child and said well we need to go eat at the local soft play cafe instead.
Or a women friendship group booked a women only event and one turned up with her husband and said well now we need to do a different event that's mixed sex.
But regardless, even if plans didn't need to be changed, I'd still get annoyed if anyone kept bringing a child, partner or animal all the time and seemed incapable of meeting up without them.

Crocadoodledoo · 26/09/2023 07:26

She’s been massively unreasonable, but she probably feels ganged up on as she knows you’ve all been discussing her behind her back. That’s why she’s so upset. Hopefully she’ll see sense and you can all have a nice dog-free break.

Nanaof1 · 26/09/2023 07:27

Ladybug14 · 25/09/2023 14:58

Because no one has said ANYTHING to her before. I'm assuming this news (that dog isn't welcome) was a bit of a shock to her

Show quote history

I think she knew when the group planned a dinner out at a non-dog-friendly place and she STILL brought her dog and expected everyone to cater to said dog, which they did, however reluctantly. Of course, the wise course of action would have been the night of the dinner out:

"Oh, you brought Pookie with you."

"I had to, she got SO sad when she saw me leaving without her."

"Well, this restaurant does not allow dogs."

"There is a dog friendly one down the street! I checked!".

"But we are eating here. This was planned and we choose not to go elsewhere."

That would have relayed the point the best.

Zanatdy · 26/09/2023 07:39

I’d imagine it’s a covid dog who was never left at home alone so has separation anxiety. I guess she needs to understand you don’t always want the dog there and either find dog care or not come (and not be in a huff)

Imisssleep2 · 26/09/2023 07:42

She shouldn't expect everyone to confirm to get dogs needs, it doesn't hurt for the dog to have a couple of hours down time alone at home while you have coffee or meal out, and if she has made the dog have separation issues she will need to arrange a sitter. It is unfair of her to expect everyone to stay in a dog friendly hotel for her sake, she needs to choose a few days without the dog and get a sitter or to not go. Why should you all be surrounded by other people's dogs all weekend? Chances are they cost a bit extra too to cover potential damages from unruly dogs too

HoppingPavlova · 26/09/2023 07:52

YANBU. I’ve posted about this before, but I ditched a friend who brought her dog everywhere. The reason she did it was that it was appallingly behaved at home, barked non stop and all neighbours had complained to council. So she took it everywhere. Everywhere. With a little jacket that she bought off eBay that said ‘Assistance Dog’, then if ever challenged she would go on about her right to have her Assistance dog there. She didn’t have anything wrong with her, just a badly behaved dog that had pissed off all neighbours with council action. She thought this solved the problem, I couldn’t tolerate it (was a poorly behaved dog out as well), so ditched both the friend and her dog.

MeMySonAnd1 · 26/09/2023 07:55

I have a friend like this, we simply stoped meeting as often because I really didn’t want to spend my very little free time and money in the very few, not particularly exciting places that allowed the dog in.

I love my dog to bits but there’s no way I would impose them on my friends much less so for a holiday. My dog doesn’t come in holidays with us either as we couldn’t do most of the stuff we do in a holiday if we bring them in, the hotel options would be significantly reduced, the holiday would be all about meeting the dog’s needs and the dog would not even enjoy it. Unless you are going for a walking holiday that is.

MargaretThursday · 26/09/2023 07:59

Had this fairly recently. One friend suggested meeting up (in families), either going for a walk or having a meal.
Knowing that at least two of the families would hugely prefer to sit down and have a meal, I suggested a place for a meal. All was happily arranged, until fourth family, who hadn't said anything at this point texted "it will have to be a walk because we can't leave the dog more than a couple of hours".
They knew full well that one of the families has very good reason not to be able to go for a walk, plus at least their own dc probably would choose not to come if it was a walk.
We ended up having a (shortened) meet up for a meal.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/09/2023 08:02

@Toomanythalias - good for you for going ahead and booking the nice hotel. Can I ask if there are any dog friendly hotels nearby? I'm only asking because if there are, don't be the least bit surprised if she books there and still expects your activities to revolve around her and her dog.

theleafandnotthetree · 26/09/2023 08:13

uncertainalice · 25/09/2023 14:23

I am thinking about getting a dog...but this kind of carry-on really puts me off; why do dogs have to go everywhere with you these days?

Can dogs really not be left alone even for a short time, or is this more about their owners' needs?

Of course they can be left for periods of time, this has gone out of hand. They fit around your life, not the other way around. And if they are occasionally unhappy or 'miss you' (although I head ascribing human emotions to animals) that is not the tragedy of the ages either. Just like it wouldn't be if they were human indeed! I think when people look back of hundreds of years in say 50 or 60 years and we are truly fucked as a species, the way some people indulge their pets will be seen as symptomatic of our decadence and ridiculousness as a society.

P

CoffeeCantata · 26/09/2023 08:13

Frequency
She has very severe social anxiety and says her dogs make her feel more comfortable because they give her something comforting to hold and something to do with her hands when she feels stressed or anxious. They're also a perfect excuse to leave the group for a short time without having to explain that she is feeling panicky and needs time alone (which often leads to people following her to check she is OK). She can just tell people the dog needs to toilet so she's going outside/away from the group.

Yes - but don't you need to balance this up with the 'irritation factor' to friends and others? I have to say that someone constantly in the company of their dog would put me off making any kind of relationship with them. Especially the mention of the dog's toilet requirements!! Thanks for that mental picture....😖

Naunet · 26/09/2023 08:15

Xrays · 25/09/2023 13:57

She’s being ridiculous. Can’t stand people who treat their dog like a child and want to take them everywhere.

You shouldn’t take your kids everywhere either, including friends trips away!

Allofthisisasimulation · 26/09/2023 08:18

YANBU.
She is BU though, assuming everyone wants her dog there all the time.
If she is reacting badly then it's something she needs to find her own way through, because it's not unreasonable to not want a dog there all the time (even if you don't mind some of the time, don't mind or even quite like dogs).