Group of school mums.

[Hiwelcome]

There is one group of school mums who have children in my daughters reception class. Every drop off and pick up they stand in a circle chatting away and seem very involved in the school, seem to know everybody and everybody’s children. I’ve noticed they are quite hostile towards me though and have started giving me ‘dirty looks’. I have never spoken to them but do smile and this morning one of them gave me the evils back. I know I shouldn’t care but it’s annoying me as this is every morning and I’m just trying to go about my day and drop my daughter off to school but it’s bothering me.

Since when is smiling and saying hello “goading”

I know what she talking about, it's the forcing it that would irritate me.
As I said I was grieving, did not want to speak to anyone and wanted to be left alone , not forced into cheery greetings.

So if someone smiled at you and said “hello”

and didn’t know you were bereaved

you honestly would have told them to fuck off

Forcing someone into interacting, killing them with kindness when they have clearly indicated they wish to be left alone is goading.
It's clear the pp is forcing an interaction.
Good grief read the room!

since when is smiling and saying hello “forcing” anything?!

A smile and “hello” is according to your

“forcing” interaction
and “goading”

depressing

The 'In Crowd Mums.' An institution as old as time itself. I remember a similar grouping when I used to have children at primary school over 35 years ago. Don't worry.

No losing 3 dear people close together is depressing, utterly deranged with grief is depressing.
Someone saying hello and smiling is fine in usual circumstances but at the time someone " killing with kindness" with forced, repeated cheeriness in the face of an unresponsive woman would have tipped me over the edge.
Good communication is knowing when to be silent and when to speak.
It's pretty clear the pp is all about forcing unwanted interactions repeatedly so bear that in mind before you reply.

I don’t go around not smiling or saying hello because they might have lost three people in quick succession

If someone was at the school gate and seemed “deranged” with sadness…. I would actually ask them if they’re ok

no doubt you’d tell me to fuck right off!

I'm not suggesting that I do either but if someone doesn't look keen or doesn't reply I wouldn't force it with repeated interactions.

Pp wasnt suggesting saying hi and smiling once, they suggested continuing it repeatedly until someone is forced to reply.
That's not really very perceptive or respectful and is really strange behaviour.

No only if you behaved like a bellend and kept on and on
Oh wait ...

Saying hi and smiling is not forcing interaction

I say it to fellow dog walkers and back to me all the time for example.

These threads do nothing more or less than show why some people are the ones chatting with others and being friendly - and others very definitely are not.

Surely it is far more helpful to the OP to be encouraged to consider that the person giving her the evils probably wasn’t - that it’s unlikely a grown adult would do this to someone they don’t know, and that there’s probably something far more mundane, complexly unrelated to the OP, at play?

@Hiwelcome - I’m glad you got chatting with someone today.

These things take time - there’s no getting around that. Building an acquaintanceship takes time, let alone an actual friendship! Especially if, like me, you’re naturally a bit shy.

It was well into year 2 with my eldest that the connections I was slowly making started to really go anywhere.

And quite a few people I ‘tried on for size’, for want of a better phrase, I turned out to not really have all that much in common with. That’s to be expected - don’t let it get you down or put you off.

But, over 10 years later, I’m now really good friends with a decent-sized group of women, all of whom were thrown together when our kids started school. The kids themselves aren’t all necessarily still friends. But we very much are.

And it’s deepened into true friendship, supporting each other through life events. And no, not one of us posts about it on social media 😬 in response to someone upthread!

Keep going, keep making connections. Fall back on your existing friends in the meantime, and as time passes, you’ll find nice people to add to your life.

Ah that's great.

Also everyone saying 'be nice... go talk to the person standing alone' they might not want you too. Millions of people are introverts or on the spectrum or have other things going on, they aren't there to be social.

I actively DON'T want to make 'friends' with parents, I have my own friends that I made through shared interests... those are my KIDS friends parents. My mam use to make friends with parents, inevitably there would be falling out and WW3 would occur. I had to move classes and all sorts... just let your kid have THEIR small world when you can literally make friends with ANYONE else.

I also am disabled and fatigue from even simple things is massive, social exsertion really takes a toll and I don't want to have to spend hours recovering (just in time to do it all again) from forced interactions when I'm just trying to get through a task I have to do.

Do I look lost, possibly pained and very awkward? absoloutly... but leave me alone because you'll only make it worse.

I’m wondering how my times I’ve given someone a scowl when actually I was just thinking and not noticing.

Hmm, I’ve thought it over and yes, calling women you don’t know ‘vicious cunts’ = a rude bastard.

I mean, feels like a stretch. I am not advocating for calling women vicious cunts. I thought it was obvious I was implying its a behaviour.

You see I would assume… oh she hasn’t got her glasses on or she’s stressed about something or, like me, she frowns when she’s thinking hard!

others would assume you were being hostile, bitchy and giving them dirty looks

I have been through this and come out the other side, as my children are at college, and my youngest is at secondary school, so no more school runs for me. There was a clique when I was doing the primary school run, my goodness I'm so glad to be away from that now. I used to hate it so much. Try to rise above it as you're better than them. They are very sad.

It’s horrible I have to go through this every day with a certain clique at my sons school, I am a young mum and I feel as if they look down on me.
I just make out that they are not there now don’t even give them eye contact.

School ground politics is a thing, judgy parents ones that say hello one day and blank me the next., I don’t go out of my way anymore.

Due to house moves I have had to do the school run at 4 different primary schools. So that's 4 different times I have had to put the effort in to make new friends

All of them have /had their little quirks. There was 1 school that just didn't have much of a social life so was very hard to integrate, I did give up a bit on that school.

@Hiwelcome if you want more friends you are going to have to put the effort in and be a bit ballsy - say hello lots, smile lots, help out at the school fair etc. Also seek out the 'organised mum' -she'll know when everything is happening and introduce you to people.

Some friendships happen organically, some you have to be proactive and strategic about - navigating this school situation sounds like the second.

Exactly. Think generously rather than assuming it's a bitchy look directed at you.

@Denimdreams killing with kindness doesn't mean forcing someone into a conversation. It means being pleasant even when the person you're being pleasant to isn't giving off particularly pleasant vibes. If you think generously about the person you might think 'perhaps they're grieving' and smile and say hello rather than deliberately look the other way or giving them a dirty look back. That creates an atmosphere that may or may not have previously really existed and once you get into that pattern it's very hard to get out of or do anything rather than spiral down.

My year 1 child has developed some really lovely, healthy and close friendships at her school OP. Do you know why? Because she developed them independently. Mum cliques do their kids no favours as kids are extremely perceptive. If they sense that you're super cliquey with certain other mums they will probably feel a lot of pressure to get on with their kids. This might work out but it adds another unecessary layer of complexity to the kid's friendships and removes a lot of their own autonomy to make their own decisions about socialising and be their own judge of character. You're at school for your kids so just focus on faciliating their friendships not your own. Who cares what other mums think of you for the 5 minutes a day you're waiting for your kid. What's the worst they can do?