Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14yo refusing to come home

134 replies

Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 21:59

So in a nutshell my dd 14 (who I’ve raised on my own, dad is uninvolved & uninterested in her day to day) and myself have been butting heads quite frequently recently.
It’s over things like her bedroom looking it’s been burgled almost daily, her lack of personal hygiene, her inability to put dirty washing in the washing basket, her stealing her younger sisters treats etc, going in my bedroom and helping herself to my things, lying and being sly.
Her dad does bare minimum and she’s not had much of a relationship with him since his current gf got him to call SS on me about 3 years ago… it was over a tonne of petty things, her having holes in her leggings, me asking him for £12.50 extra toward her lunches and bus fares when she started comp and £10 toward a pair of school shoes… obvs nothing come of it but she didn’t want to talk to him for the best part of 2 years.

Fast forward to last week when I discovered she’d slept all night with a large bag of opened peanuts under her pillow, I sent her a pic of it while she was at school saying wtaf???
Waited for her to come home at 3.30pm, received a text of daddy dearest at 3.31 saying she was with him and would be staying with him for a while because she doesn’t like when I shout. She went with the clothes on her back.
It’s day 4 now and she’s saying she wants to live there in their rule free household, him and the gf she has hated all this time. I am beyond heartbroken and I just do not know how to navigate this situation. They’ll be filling her full of poison against me and I can already tell by the way she’s responding to texts that they’re telling her what to say.
I guess it’s not an AIBU post, more of asking for advice on what I should do?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2023 22:01

Is she still going to school?

Original poster
Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 22:02

So far yes she’s been going to school

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 24/09/2023 22:04

Thank him for taking over the parenting, the homework, the laundry, the cooking, getting her to school, etc.
Take a deep breath.
Tell her you are pleased she is spending some time with her dad, but she is welcome to come home whenever she wants.
Make sure you inform her teacher, head of year and HT.
Stop doing anything you usually do for her. Leave everything up to her dad.

vipersnest1 · 24/09/2023 22:10

^this is very good advice.
Leave the way open for her to return, but also let her realise where she's better looked after and cared about.
It's horrible I know, but you may well find she is back quicker than you expect.
Meanwhile, laugh quietly to yourself at the thought of him being a great parent, but also message your DD regularly so she knows you're thinking about her - keep the messages neutral.

BMW6 · 24/09/2023 22:11

Let her stay at her Dad's OP. She has been totally disrespectful to you and generally an obnoxious brat.

Breathe a sigh of relief that she's out of your space. Make the most of it.

You don't think she'll come to any actual harm at her dad's do you? He's as much her parent as you are so let him do his share of the parenting!

Sprinkles211 · 24/09/2023 22:15

If he's an arse prepare for him to be trying to take the child benefits and stopping maintenance and chasing you for it. My friend had this it was an awful situation, hope she sees sense soon op

BMW6 · 24/09/2023 22:15

Oh and if she changes her mind and wants to come home to you, say No because she is so badly behaved and rude, and you aren't prepared to tolerate it any more.

That's your leverage for better behaviours going forward. Don't welcome her back with open arms.........be a better parent and teach her that actions have consequences.

Beautifulsunflowers · 24/09/2023 22:18

Use this time to have a break from the endless arguments and stress.
As pp have suggested message her and let her know you love her. tell her she can come back any time, I bet she won’t last long there.

Going forward, if she wants her room to be a mess then let her. If clothes don’t go in the washing basket then they don’t get cleaned.
But the stealing and lying need to stop.

Offcom · 24/09/2023 22:18

”I struggle with cleanliness and instead of helping me, my mum screams at me that my room looks like it’s been burgled. The other night I’d been eating peanuts and fell asleep with them still in bed. In the middle of school I got a text from my mum with a photo of them, just saying wtaf? I feel so sick and scared, I know she’s waiting to have it out with me when I get home from school. It’s so stressful living with someone who thinks I’m disgusting and dirty. AIBU if I go and stay with my dad? He’s not perfect but at least he gets me.”

Original poster
Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 22:19

Sprinkles211 · 24/09/2023 22:15

If he's an arse prepare for him to be trying to take the child benefits and stopping maintenance and chasing you for it. My friend had this it was an awful situation, hope she sees sense soon op

This is the end game for him, that’s why he wanted to see if SS would intervene and home her with him!

OP posts:
Tiredbehyondbelief · 24/09/2023 22:20

It's such a tricky age. My mum was a single parent. My younger brother went off the rails age 14. She went to hell and back with his drinking (no drugs back then), being excluded from school etc. My brother did managed to turn his life around and has been sober for over 20 years now. Largely because my mum never gave up on him. My brother even had a short spell on prison. I have a very rebellious 12 year old at home (my 14 years old is a joy by comparison). So our children all different. I do believe boundaries are important however I am sure your DD could also say a lot of the topic (teenagers always do). Are there any child therapists where you live to facilitate a mediating session? Even if DD moves back there will be further arguments unless you agree on boundaries. That's the only suggestion I can think of. I hope it helps

BellaAndDave · 24/09/2023 22:24

Offcom · 24/09/2023 22:18

”I struggle with cleanliness and instead of helping me, my mum screams at me that my room looks like it’s been burgled. The other night I’d been eating peanuts and fell asleep with them still in bed. In the middle of school I got a text from my mum with a photo of them, just saying wtaf? I feel so sick and scared, I know she’s waiting to have it out with me when I get home from school. It’s so stressful living with someone who thinks I’m disgusting and dirty. AIBU if I go and stay with my dad? He’s not perfect but at least he gets me.”

There is no way I’d have tolerated dirty rooms, laundry not put in a basket or the machine, lack of personal hygiene or stealing from siblings.

I’ve been through all of the above. It’s called parenting and you don’t need to be a push over to achieve a positive result. There is nothing in the OP that isn’t normal teenage behaviour. Feeling ‘sick and scared”? Really?

CanvaQueen · 24/09/2023 22:24

Surely a 14yo will cost more than you’re getting in benefits? Are you going to lose a lot of maintenance money too?

As PP have said, wish them well and keep the door open. She’ll either behave for them or get bored and come back soon enough.

Offcom · 24/09/2023 22:25

BellaAndDave · 24/09/2023 22:24

There is no way I’d have tolerated dirty rooms, laundry not put in a basket or the machine, lack of personal hygiene or stealing from siblings.

I’ve been through all of the above. It’s called parenting and you don’t need to be a push over to achieve a positive result. There is nothing in the OP that isn’t normal teenage behaviour. Feeling ‘sick and scared”? Really?

Show quote history

Yes, really.

BellaAndDave · 24/09/2023 22:27

Offcom · 24/09/2023 22:25

Yes, really.

Show quote history

As you’re clearly an expert on the subject please expand on your over emotional post on the initial post.

Original poster
Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 22:28

I wouldn’t be losing a great deal of CM from him no, he’s working and he delivers for Amazon on an evening but down as being on benefits so it’s pennies.

OP posts:
Offcom · 24/09/2023 22:30

BellaAndDave · 24/09/2023 22:27

As you’re clearly an expert on the subject please expand on your over emotional post on the initial post.

Show quote history

Why do you think this 14-year-old is refusing to come home?

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 24/09/2023 22:31

You can’t save your relationship with her by making her come home, let her live with her dad if that’s what she wants. Winning every battle no matter what is not a pleasant life to live for anyone.
She is not your pay check, you shouldn’t fight for her just for the money. That is cruel to her.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 24/09/2023 22:33

Sorry I just saw your update re CM. My mistake.

Nicknacky · 24/09/2023 22:33

Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 22:28

I wouldn’t be losing a great deal of CM from him no, he’s working and he delivers for Amazon on an evening but down as being on benefits so it’s pennies.

You will surely be paying him CM though?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2023 22:33

Offcom · 24/09/2023 22:30

Why do you think this 14-year-old is refusing to come home?

Show quote history

Because her dad will let her live in filth and has no rules.

Lindy2 · 24/09/2023 22:34

Perhaps a break from each other will do you both good. I'm not sure what messaging her a photo of the peanuts while she was at school was supposed to achieve other than setting things up for an argument as soon as she got home.

Teenagers are often messy. It's not great but it's usually just a phase.

It sounds like you just need to show her that you're there for her. She can stay at her dad's if she wants but make sure she knows she can come home to you if she wants to without an argument starting.

14 is a tricky age. I'd say pick your battles and let the less important stuff go.

Original poster
Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 22:34

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 24/09/2023 22:31

You can’t save your relationship with her by making her come home, let her live with her dad if that’s what she wants. Winning every battle no matter what is not a pleasant life to live for anyone.
She is not your pay check, you shouldn’t fight for her just for the money. That is cruel to her.

At what point did I mention money?? I was responding to another pp in regards to how messy this could get… it also isn’t about winning every battle… I’m asking for advice on what to do, and yours quite frankly is irrelevant!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2023 22:36

It’s good she’s still going to school. Have you told them she’s with her dad for now? Hopefully they can keep an extra eye on her.

Does she know her dad reported you to SS? She stopped wanting to see him for two years, was that why?

BellaAndDave · 24/09/2023 22:38

Offcom · 24/09/2023 22:30

Why do you think this 14-year-old is refusing to come home?

Show quote history

That’s not what I asked you. You put up an over emotional post and I’m wondering why. You know nothing about the OP yet you made massive assumptions in your post.