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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14yo refusing to come home

134 replies

Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 21:59

So in a nutshell my dd 14 (who I’ve raised on my own, dad is uninvolved & uninterested in her day to day) and myself have been butting heads quite frequently recently.
It’s over things like her bedroom looking it’s been burgled almost daily, her lack of personal hygiene, her inability to put dirty washing in the washing basket, her stealing her younger sisters treats etc, going in my bedroom and helping herself to my things, lying and being sly.
Her dad does bare minimum and she’s not had much of a relationship with him since his current gf got him to call SS on me about 3 years ago… it was over a tonne of petty things, her having holes in her leggings, me asking him for £12.50 extra toward her lunches and bus fares when she started comp and £10 toward a pair of school shoes… obvs nothing come of it but she didn’t want to talk to him for the best part of 2 years.

Fast forward to last week when I discovered she’d slept all night with a large bag of opened peanuts under her pillow, I sent her a pic of it while she was at school saying wtaf???
Waited for her to come home at 3.30pm, received a text of daddy dearest at 3.31 saying she was with him and would be staying with him for a while because she doesn’t like when I shout. She went with the clothes on her back.
It’s day 4 now and she’s saying she wants to live there in their rule free household, him and the gf she has hated all this time. I am beyond heartbroken and I just do not know how to navigate this situation. They’ll be filling her full of poison against me and I can already tell by the way she’s responding to texts that they’re telling her what to say.
I guess it’s not an AIBU post, more of asking for advice on what I should do?

OP posts:
Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 25/09/2023 08:27

Result!

BoohooWoohoo · 25/09/2023 08:49

I think that some of your replies have been full of assumptions.

I sent a wtf text to my teen a few weeks ago because he went to school and left a pile of clothes outside his door. He knows that I wasn't angry- it was a sign of being baffled. Anyway it turns out he meant to take those clothes up to the laundry basket but forgot half way. When he got home he sorted the situation. If he had peanuts all over his bed then I would be able to ask him if he was uncomfortable without him kicking off. He'd be ok with a Princess and the Pea joke.

He has a strange system of clothes too. Not all clothes on the floor are dirty so I can't just wash what's on the floor. We have an agreement that I will only wash what is in the wash basket or washing machine for urgent things.

Over the years he has improved. Every Friday he picks up the clothes on the floor, takes the rubbish out and hoovers the floor so that it is ready for friends possibly coming round. Takes him about 15 mins but it looks much better.

OP I think you have no choice but to let her know that the door is open if she wants to come back and hope that she continues going yo school. Yanbu to have rules like brushing teeth and bedtimes on school nights and this is just her way of dealing with the rules.

DoDoDoD · 25/09/2023 09:18

alldakatz · 25/09/2023 08:16

I don't understand what the issue is with the peanuts, unless she is not supposed to have them for medical reasons.

Really? It’s disgusting and unhygienic to sleep with food around you. Peanuts are oily and will stain the bedding and make it smell.

Mariposista · 25/09/2023 09:37

You shouldn't have texted her at school OP. Dealing with it when she got home would have been a better option, by doing that you are only driving her away when she is not there and she would have known she had a battle to come home to and probably thought why bother?
Agree with the PP - leave her where she is. What are either of you getting out of her living with you atm? You're hardly enjoying each others' company. As long as she is safe, getting to school and has her basic needs covered, leave things lie and sort some mediation out. Things have really broken down and you are going to need outside help to repair them. All the best.

TrumanSnow · 25/09/2023 09:47

Redrum22 · 25/09/2023 05:44

The messy room alone isn’t the issue, I can be quite messy with the busy day to day, it’s everything combined with her and it’s getting progressively worse. She’s been like this from around age 7. The whole packet of peanuts emptied out under her pillow, which she tried to hide by lying other pillows across, was the straw that broke the camels back.
I rarely go in her room but as it’s on the same level as my living room, you can smell it when you walk past and it isn’t pleasant, I went in that day to empty her bin and seen the nuts scattered across her mattress and was gobsmacked she had seemingly slept like this.
And no I do not go in her room hunting for dirty pants, she’d be mortified I done this but maybe getting her to do her own washing could be a step in the right direction.

I would definitely text a photo of scattered peanuts. I regularly send photos on our family chat of stuff like toilet rolls that have not been changed, and mess that has been left downstairs. The ‘culprit’ usually apologises and we move on. It is not such a big deal as some here are making.

I would be devastated if I was you OP. You have been the one that has been supporting your daughter whilst the dad disappeared. And he’s obviously now taking great pleasure in the fact she is staying with him. You must feel sad, angry and confused.

My kids are not ‘scared’ of me pointing out their messiness. I expect they roll their eyes inside but deep down they know I am right. And they respect me too much to leave everything for me to do.

My children though have not had their parents’ marriage end or have us manipulate them. So they feel secure I guess and have no issue with us telling them off about cleaning etc.

Good luck OP. It is tough being a parent of teenagers I know. I do not think you have done anything wrong regarding the peanuts. I would have been more proactive about the washing though and insisted they put it in the laundry. I do think your daughter will come home soon.

TrumanSnow · 25/09/2023 09:49

newlystyle · 25/09/2023 06:09

Rubbish. What is with theses posts and excuses just 'because teens'.

Show quote history

That message from offcom made me cringe to read it.

TrumanSnow · 25/09/2023 09:54

Most teens are messy. They don’t automatically have ADHD.

Lastchancechica · 25/09/2023 10:01

I have one teen with adhd and one without. There is a world of difference between the two, messiness per se is a teen issue but there are other signs that ops dd has adhd and it’s very hard on both the parents and the teens themselves, and shouldn’t be disregarded.

AnonAnonandAriston · 25/09/2023 10:26

heartofglass23 · 24/09/2023 23:11

What do you mean you didn't see even a sock in the wash?

Do you not do her laundry?

I'm not for spoon feeding capable DCs but I think it's the norm to go into a teens room and take out the dirty clothes and wash them?

They put it in the laundry basket like everyone else or it doesn't get done? Going in and getting it IS spoon feeding them

DoDoDoD · 25/09/2023 15:11

AnonAnonandAriston · 25/09/2023 10:26

They put it in the laundry basket like everyone else or it doesn't get done? Going in and getting it IS spoon feeding them

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Every family is different, it isn't necessarily spoon-feeding to collect your teens laundry.

Annonymiss123 · 02/10/2023 15:41

Is your DD still at her dad's @Redrum22?

Original poster
Redrum22 · 02/10/2023 16:04

Annonymiss123 · 02/10/2023 15:41

Is your DD still at her dad's @Redrum22?

She is home… she was going to go back to her dads today for the week but there are bus strikes on in our area and she wouldn’t of been able to get to school from there, whereas she can walk from our house.
She seems happy and wants to still stay there every now and then but (I pretty much told her) she’s staying at home.
Taking it day to day but things have vastly improved.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 02/10/2023 16:45

BellaAndDave · 24/09/2023 22:24

There is no way I’d have tolerated dirty rooms, laundry not put in a basket or the machine, lack of personal hygiene or stealing from siblings.

I’ve been through all of the above. It’s called parenting and you don’t need to be a push over to achieve a positive result. There is nothing in the OP that isn’t normal teenage behaviour. Feeling ‘sick and scared”? Really?

Show quote history

Shaking and sobbing, no doubt. 🤣

users953269 · 02/10/2023 16:56

@Redrum22 I've been following from the beginning but RE your latest post, I wouldn't tell her she has to stay with you, that will work in reverse.

Original poster
Redrum22 · 02/10/2023 17:06

users953269 · 02/10/2023 16:56

@Redrum22 I've been following from the beginning but RE your latest post, I wouldn't tell her she has to stay with you, that will work in reverse.

And you know that definitely, do you?

OP posts:
Islandsadness · 02/10/2023 17:20

@Redrum22 gently, if you want advice you're best taking all side from posters, which will be more use than lots of people agreeing with that the situation is hard.

For what it's worth, telling her she had to live with us in opposition to the advice you were given and where you seemed to be a few days ago. What changed?

users953269 · 02/10/2023 17:45

@Redrum22 Did you mean to be so rude?

Donotshushme · 02/10/2023 20:43

I'm glad she's home and that things are better op. Living with ADHD (if she is ADHD) is fucking hard but you'll muddle through it together. Just remember shes not doing these things to upset you.

Donotshushme · 02/10/2023 20:43

users953269 · 02/10/2023 17:45

@Redrum22 Did you mean to be so rude?

She wasn't rude.

Pottomous2 · 02/10/2023 20:46

endofthelinefinally · 24/09/2023 22:04

Thank him for taking over the parenting, the homework, the laundry, the cooking, getting her to school, etc.
Take a deep breath.
Tell her you are pleased she is spending some time with her dad, but she is welcome to come home whenever she wants.
Make sure you inform her teacher, head of year and HT.
Stop doing anything you usually do for her. Leave everything up to her dad.

This. Let them be a “family” and wait for her to come back - she definitely will! The shine will wear off fast.

users953269 · 02/10/2023 21:18

@Donotshushme She was. My opinion.

Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 06:20

Islandsadness · 02/10/2023 17:20

@Redrum22 gently, if you want advice you're best taking all side from posters, which will be more use than lots of people agreeing with that the situation is hard.

For what it's worth, telling her she had to live with us in opposition to the advice you were given and where you seemed to be a few days ago. What changed?

I’ve taken ALL the advice from my OP. The people closest to me have been supportive of me as they know my struggles with her and how challenging it is to be a lone parent without the support of another adult in raising a child.
I come on here to get the negative, non biased opinions on how it appears to people who don’t know us and also advice on how to navigate the situation.
The posts on the inattentive ADHD have been especially helpful and even though I’m not currently looking for a diagnosis, I am treating the situation as she has it and I need to change tact on how I approach certain issues with her.
As for ‘making’ her come home… we agreed together she would return Friday (10 days away from home) we would discuss things and enjoy some time together, just me and her.
Nothing heavy was spoken about. We went shopping for lots of nice smelling plug ins and Reed diffusers etc for her room, room was cleaned and sorted by us both. Anything that would fit into the washing machine was washed. We laughed and talked about stupid shit mainly. This in itself is HUGE progress, just enjoying each other and wanting to spend time together and not butting heads and her festering in her messy room on her phone.
This is her home, she’s my daughter, we are her family. I don’t want her not to be here. She can go to Disney dads all she likes but this is her home. She agrees with this. Said time away was needed but she wants to be here and visit there.

Comments about her feeling scared and being manipulated into agreeing to this incoming…

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 06:25

Donotshushme · 02/10/2023 20:43

I'm glad she's home and that things are better op. Living with ADHD (if she is ADHD) is fucking hard but you'll muddle through it together. Just remember shes not doing these things to upset you.

Thank you! She’s admitted she does struggle with certain things and she’s not doing it to piss me off. I do still think her phone is a major issue (she has a boyfriend now too) but as long as she’s spending a few minutes before and after school straightening her room up and her washing is going in the basket I’m not going to put her screen time back on.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 03/10/2023 06:35

Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 22:43

I won’t be paying him CM no, she’s been there 4 days.
And yes it was because of the report to SS that she refused a relationship with him for nearly 2 years, only up until recently actually and it’s been very very casual.
This is the part I can’t wrap my head around, just the sheer betrayal I feel by going to them because she doesn’t like my rules.

And here lies the problem - you see it as a betrayal. She just wants a relationship with her dad.
If I’d gone into my DDs room and taken photos of it then sent them to her whilst she was at school she would have gone ballistic. It’s a massive invasion of her privacy.
Oh, and despite you saying you’re not going to pay him CM, if he goes via CMS you won’t have a choice.

Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 06:36

And for further reference, for those who commented on child maintenance, my daughter commented yesterday on her dad apparently saying to her that as long as she’s staying with him, he doesn’t have to pay me. Which further adds to his true intentions of the whole thing!

OP posts:
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