14yo refusing to come home

[Redrum22]

So in a nutshell my dd 14 (who I’ve raised on my own, dad is uninvolved & uninterested in her day to day) and myself have been butting heads quite frequently recently.
It’s over things like her bedroom looking it’s been burgled almost daily, her lack of personal hygiene, her inability to put dirty washing in the washing basket, her stealing her younger sisters treats etc, going in my bedroom and helping herself to my things, lying and being sly.
Her dad does bare minimum and she’s not had much of a relationship with him since his current gf got him to call SS on me about 3 years ago… it was over a tonne of petty things, her having holes in her leggings, me asking him for £12.50 extra toward her lunches and bus fares when she started comp and £10 toward a pair of school shoes… obvs nothing come of it but she didn’t want to talk to him for the best part of 2 years.

Fast forward to last week when I discovered she’d slept all night with a large bag of opened peanuts under her pillow, I sent her a pic of it while she was at school saying wtaf???
Waited for her to come home at 3.30pm, received a text of daddy dearest at 3.31 saying she was with him and would be staying with him for a while because she doesn’t like when I shout. She went with the clothes on her back.
It’s day 4 now and she’s saying she wants to live there in their rule free household, him and the gf she has hated all this time. I am beyond heartbroken and I just do not know how to navigate this situation. They’ll be filling her full of poison against me and I can already tell by the way she’s responding to texts that they’re telling her what to say.
I guess it’s not an AIBU post, more of asking for advice on what I should do?

Can you expand on the peanut thing, op? What possessed you to text her "WTAF?" at school? Whatever the issue, you could have waited till she came home to raise it 😵‍💫
Weird that you were poking around under her pillow when you didn't wash her flaming underwear for a month.

@Redrum22 why havent you shopped him for being on benefits when he is working? two can play at his game. Nasty of him to go to SS but you should hit back and hit him where it hurts in the pocket. agree that you need to leave her with him. ask if she needs clothes etc be ultra reasonable even though its killing you inside because she needs to see that the grass is not greener on the other side and she wont do unless she is there. when she wants to come back, because 100% she will, dont do the tiptoeing on eggshells and pandering to her that you will want to do. set the ground rules down about what you expect. if she is 14 and chooses not to wash and smell thats now up to her. a bit of tough love needed.

OP, which hill do you want to die on?

I have been through the mill with my DC (now all over 18). One was particularly hard work.

Things that helped, a tiny bit:

Their bedroom is their space. If they are happy to live in a pig sty, that's fine. This includes peanuts under the pillow. Why does it matter if someone wants to live in a tip?
(Disclaimer: I am also untidy, and would be mightily pissed off if my DC started telling me to tidy my bedroom and that I was in some way morally defective for not doing so. My entire house looks as if it has been burgled, so I'd be a mighty hypocrite if I started to complain).
Shared spaces need to be kept tidy, if the tidy people in the shared space outnumber the untidy ones. If not, then they don't.
If she doesn't put laundry in a basket, it won't get washed.
Otherwise, hold your nerve. One of mine in particular flounced regularly to her father's house. It never lasted long because he was an arse. I never said a word when she came back, other than 'nice to see you'.
Sometimes teenagers will go to wherever the faster wifi is.
Don't take it personally, and don't nag about the unimportant stuff.

As other posters have said, I’m struggling to understand why a bag of peanuts in bed is such an awful crime.

Perfect 😊

I can’t advise on the practical stuff more than other posters have, but emotionally you must try and remember that she is being manipulated and used as a pawn by two people who should be looking after her. They are letting her down big time and she will be back to her safety net (you) sooner than you think.

The stuff with her dad goes way deeper than her hygiene habits. Teenagers can be fecking horrible but she is not capable of understanding the levels of sinister emotional abuse at play - she really thinks this is all about peanuts. You are allowed to feel your feelings but she hasn’t betrayed you, her dad has betrayed her big time.

As difficult as it will be OP you need to let her stay there until she realises it’s not great there or daddy dearest sends her home.

As PP has said thank dad for taking over for a bit and let her know where you are while also letting school know where she is and the situation especially should the issue of cleanliness should arise. Don’t bite and pick your battles

My 14 year olds room is her space. If she wants her washing done she puts it in the laundry basket. I pop my head in and if it's a mess I tell her I'm not impressed and it needs sorting, she says OK and sorts it. I dont shout, scream, have fights with her. What's the point?

What was the issue with the peanuts? It wouldnt have bothered me at all. She is obviously worried about you kicking off to have gone to her dad's with the clothes on her back. I left home at 15 because my mum couldn't give me space, I came back as teens do, but I refuse to treat my daughter how my mum treated me it was intense and controlling.

I think its all about balance, and picking your battles. Its an awkward age.

So tricky.

What does your DD know about her dad, and your feelings toward him?

I think sending her that text at school over peanuts was over the top. The fact she is now refusing to come makes me wonder if you often lose your temper?

She has experienced an insane amount of upheaval in her 14 years. She a teenager who also has tricky and troublesome family dynamics. She needs you to be her safe space and support her.

Remember she's young and has gone through a lot.

OP's child is 14. It's key to remember they are still a child and how OP handles this situation is something OP's child will remember. Teachers often see the parents behaviour reflected in the children. The child is 14 - only 14 and for all those that will jump on this and say that that is plenty old enough to know how to clean a room - sure. If you ask them to break it down, they know, but in the moment, when they're undergoing stress - parents shouting/nagging does induce stress - even if you don't think it does, it does cause the body to have a stress reaction, especially as their brains aren't fully developed yet, and research shows this doesn't happen until they're 25! So OP's child is still a near decade off brain maturity. Guide them through cleaning their room, stay in the room and do it with them - make it a positive activity and take away that negativity associated with the activity. Give lots of praise when they get things right.
Text your daughter and tell her this is your plan going through. And be strong enough to apologise. Tell her you got this wrong and you went about it the wrong way. Disciplinarian methods aren't the only way to get results. If you show you can be open and honest and big enough to apologise to her (not every parent can muster the courage to apologise to their kids when they have wronged them) then it will do wonders for your relationship with her - not only now, but as she goes through her teenage years and beyond. She will talk to you about her relationships - both platonic and romantic, her career plans, and other life plans. If not, she may keep you at arms length through lack of trust, or worse start to push you away.

Not to state the obvious but your approach hasn't been working so it isn't 'preparing her for life'. Sending the peanut photo during school was either trying to start a text argument; trying to upset her or trying to make her worry all day about your response rather than focus on school. There is no positive parenting reason for what you did.

Your DD has had lots of uncertainty. She's crying out for connection. Maybe rather than a peanut photo, you should send a message telling her you love her and asking her to come home. In the meantime read some books about parenting teens.

The untidy bedroom was a battle I decided to drop once my DC got to around 12/13, I put a laundry basket for dirty washing in their room and told them no laundry would be washed unless it was in the basket, collected it a few times a week other than that I didn't go in there just kept the door closed.

As for your DD moving out it's a difficult one but as PP have said she's with her dad and at 14 would get a say as to where she wanted to live, but as you say you feel upset especially as she had little or no interaction for a few years.
It's all so new her living with her dad and of course she's going to find it nice as will he until such times, if it happens that your DD slips back into her untidy ways and it starts to grate on him or his GF.

As difficult as it is for you and as long as your DD is safe where she is use this time for all those living in your household to have some breathing space things will calm down and who knows your DD may be back home before long.

I don't get the big deal over the peanuts but it sounds like it was the last straw. Is it possible she is depressed? Most teenage girls would be obsessed with good hygiene at that age I'd think. Have you noticed her withdrawing and losing interest in things as well?

That's really helpful, thank you @Offcom

Because 14 yr olds can be right little shits!

Let her know you support her, and that the option to return is there when she is ready to have a chat about how things can be improved and less volition at home. She'll either get bored there and come home, or she won't. But making sure she knows you're there is all you can do. And I wouldn't be surprised if he puts in a claim immediately for CSM from you.

I wonder how long it will take for dad’s girlfriend to get fed up with having a 14yo around once the reality sinks in rather than just seeing it as a way to get one over on you. I would keep very calm, say she is welcome to come home whenever she likes and can show you a basic level of respect. In the meantime when does she want to come and collect her things. I would put money on her being back within a few weeks if that.

I would send dd a text that you love her unconditionally and her home and bed will be always be here for her.

I would enthusiastically embrace the arrangement with her father. Tell him you are delighted he has finally stepped up as a parent, and you are going on holiday for a rest after 14 years of parenting alone and leave them to it.
Don’t do anything, say anything or intervene. He is doing you a massive favour in the long run. I would actually go away for a few days myself, you deserve the break.

Inform the school of the changes at home. Be honest about your struggles with her. Keep in close contact with then re attendance.

Don’t be heartbroken. She will be back. Disney Dad will tire of her teen behaviour soon enough as will his gf.

I'd let her. But her dad is now responsible for all her expenses. You pay the required cm.

When he has to start being a parent and it starts costing him money you see how fast things change.

It's not a betrayal. She is 14. She is acting like a 14 year old.

Does it really matter if her room is a mess? Do you need to go in when she is not there?

We all need a bit of space occasionally.

Texting her while she is in school is not appropriate.

You are the adult, act like it.

We have 4 teens. 14-18. I never go into their rooms
Unless I'm actively looking for something which is less than once a year. The cleaner also doesn't clean their rooms as a rule.

However the rule is if they want friends to stay over it has to be tidy. Sheets changed.

2 are very clean and 2 are tidy. 2 are fairly rank when it comes to washing. (Only 1 is both clean and tidy!)

The worst offender can only do a decent job if someone does it with him. It's like he just can't comprehend what tidy should look like. But it's just not a battle I will take on. In a bid for self respect for him I do make sure his clothes are ironed if/when he washes them.

Hi Op

When DD does come back, I’d possibly work to also change how you react to and deal with these issues. As others have said, the only thing you achieved by texting her about peanuts (which is trivial) is that you made her anxious about coming home, nothing she could have done while she’s at school.

You mentioned she said she doesn’t like it when you shout at her. Do you actually shout at her for stuff like an untidy bedroom? If so, I think that’s too much. I am 35, my bedroom and whole house is messy. I have clothes on the floor. It doesn’t actually matter.

If the doing the washing is an issue, this is something that can be tackled in a calmer way once she comes back. And in the meantime I’d concentrate on making her aware you’re willing to react to issues differently.

I also moved to my dad’s for a bit at a similar age because of how much I hated living with my mum, and I was also worried about going home sometimes. My mum to this day, thinks she was perfect. It’s also really hard being in the middle of 2 parents that don’t get on, so i’d say cut her some slack and let things progress.

The messy room alone isn’t the issue, I can be quite messy with the busy day to day, it’s everything combined with her and it’s getting progressively worse. She’s been like this from around age 7. The whole packet of peanuts emptied out under her pillow, which she tried to hide by lying other pillows across, was the straw that broke the camels back.
I rarely go in her room but as it’s on the same level as my living room, you can smell it when you walk past and it isn’t pleasant, I went in that day to empty her bin and seen the nuts scattered across her mattress and was gobsmacked she had seemingly slept like this.
And no I do not go in her room hunting for dirty pants, she’d be mortified I done this but maybe getting her to do her own washing could be a step in the right direction.