14yo refusing to come home

[Redrum22]

So in a nutshell my dd 14 (who I’ve raised on my own, dad is uninvolved & uninterested in her day to day) and myself have been butting heads quite frequently recently.
It’s over things like her bedroom looking it’s been burgled almost daily, her lack of personal hygiene, her inability to put dirty washing in the washing basket, her stealing her younger sisters treats etc, going in my bedroom and helping herself to my things, lying and being sly.
Her dad does bare minimum and she’s not had much of a relationship with him since his current gf got him to call SS on me about 3 years ago… it was over a tonne of petty things, her having holes in her leggings, me asking him for £12.50 extra toward her lunches and bus fares when she started comp and £10 toward a pair of school shoes… obvs nothing come of it but she didn’t want to talk to him for the best part of 2 years.

Fast forward to last week when I discovered she’d slept all night with a large bag of opened peanuts under her pillow, I sent her a pic of it while she was at school saying wtaf???
Waited for her to come home at 3.30pm, received a text of daddy dearest at 3.31 saying she was with him and would be staying with him for a while because she doesn’t like when I shout. She went with the clothes on her back.
It’s day 4 now and she’s saying she wants to live there in their rule free household, him and the gf she has hated all this time. I am beyond heartbroken and I just do not know how to navigate this situation. They’ll be filling her full of poison against me and I can already tell by the way she’s responding to texts that they’re telling her what to say.
I guess it’s not an AIBU post, more of asking for advice on what I should do?

I've got a really messy 14 year old and we've clashed so many times. She lives like a slob and I told her so more than once. And one day she sobbed & told me I made her feel gross and a failure ... and she was right! I was so annoyed that I'd forgotten that no-one should be made to feel ashamed in their own home. She's still super messy but our conversations around it are constructive, not aggressive and she tries much harder than she ever did before. OP I think if you give her time, she'll be back. Teenagers are so so hard, but they are still learning to function. God knows adults find it hard enough

Iwas a messy, chaotic teen nagged by parents.

It's way more stressful going to work all day and not knowing what fucking state you're coming home to. Where will the food be going mouldy this time? What horrors lurk under the bed? Dc can live in utter shit for all I care; when they're not living in the house I work my arse off to pay for.

I won’t be paying him CM no, she’s been there 4 days.
And yes it was because of the report to SS that she refused a relationship with him for nearly 2 years, only up until recently actually and it’s been very very casual.
This is the part I can’t wrap my head around, just the sheer betrayal I feel by going to them because she doesn’t like my rules.

And I have tried and tried to help dc get better at being organised, but leaving rotting fruit and shit encrusted underpants lying around is, ultimately, a choice. One day, dc may well live with other people. They need to know how to do so.

8This is the part I can’t wrap my head around, just the sheer betrayal I feel by going to them because she doesn’t like my rules*

That's just teenage though, she's doing this because she can.

Just stick to your guns. She'll be back.

My advice is to let her but to give her a way to save face.

Tell her you're sorry to hear shes decided to move put and you'll miss her enormously, you've built a close bond over the years and understand she now wants the same time with her dad. Tell her you'll bring a few bits over to last her til next weekend and of shes still set on moving out then you and her dad can have a chat about how to move all her stuff. Explain that it will mean that you'll need to change your working hours and pay her dad money so you'll need to downsize but will hold on for 6 months in case she changes her mind.

That way she knows she can safely come back and if needs be paint you as someone she feels sorry for to her dad. It's ok to be her excuse. At 14 she wont have the maturity to manage his manipulation and walk away because she realises she has made a mistake.

Ultimately you cant actually stop her. I'm sure a court would give weighting to her wants. So appear to support her decision and give her some easy ways to come back without feeling embarrassed. It's a fine line between giving her a way to save face and being manipulative yourself. The main thing is to let her know she is always sage and has a home with you, even if you end up sharing a mattress and moaning about mess.

I was constantly in trouble for being messy, late, disorganised etc. Because I was messy, late, disorganised!

I needed help with those problems, not someone pointing out Id broken rules.

I was trying to show that perspective in my post.

This^
We’ve not long lived in our new house and for the first 5 weeks I didn’t see a single bit of underwear in the wash, not even a sock. And at least one of those weeks she would have been having a period.
I lose sleep worrying how she’s going to be as a young adult left to her own devices.

Just bite your tongue. It’s been four days. She I’ll probably be home in a few more.

YOUR past isn’t what the OP is dealing with! Most teenagers are messy, late and disorganised, the OP has offered parental guidance, her DD has stolen from other siblings and that behaviour needs to be challenged. Your earlier post was over emotional., this is not about you.

Some strange replies here. As if any mother is just going to shrug and say oh well she was hard work so Ill just let her learn the hard way.

Thats not how parenting works. Any mum will be unable to sleep or relax if their child vanishes overnight from the home like this..

The replies here just sound totally cold and emotionless

Op id speak to a solicitor and be there at his house looking for her. Do you have othher adults who could mediate

I’m sorry for expressing an above-acceptable level of emotion in my Mumsnet post. And sorry for talking about myself when you asked what makes me an expert. Next time someone asks if they are being unreasonable I’ll be sure to remember that in no way is an alternate perspective an appropriate response.

But what do you mean by help? I've tried many, many different things with my dc. The only one that actually works in standing in his room saying:"now do x. Now do you." But that's not actually helping him, because he'll forget tomorrow.
I suspect his idea of 'help' would be for me to do it for him. My mum's idea of ' help' was a binbag of my stuff on the lawn.

What did actually teach me? Going to uni and having no one to do anything for me.

need to change your working hours and pay her dad money so you'll need to downsize

Don't guilt anyone, that is dreadful advice. Ultimately he is still her father.

I also think you need to pick your battles.

What do you mean you didn't see even a sock in the wash?

Do you not do her laundry?

I'm not for spoon feeding capable DCs but I think it's the norm to go into a teens room and take out the dirty clothes and wash them?

Where was her underwear?

Could you not pick it up and wash it?

It's bordering on neglectful that you didn't find a way to wash your child's underwear for over a month. Yes, she might be lazy. But you being a parent and doing the hard graft of parenting trumps that. Yours is a duty.

Unfortunately you can't force her to come home, so just have to make the most out of a bad situation. Likely she'll be back with you soon, but worst case, she'll have to live with her dad for the last few years before flying the nest. Worse things have happened. If you make a big deal of it, she might use moving out as a threat in future arguments.

I second what some wise post before said... when she asks to come home, set ground rules first. Eg - I expect you to spend 20 minutes every day cleaning your room.

In terms of laundry, get her to do her own at 14!

I think you have got really good advice here on letting her know that she is loved by you and welcome to come home. Leave it to him as long as you think he is a safe person. I am not all the way into the teenagers years yet so hope this isn’t unhelpful: but texting her the photo of the peanuts was only going to start a row. And that can put a wedge in your relationship. She needs to know that you support her and that you have her back. That your the person she can come to when life goes wrong. It sounds like she got mad and wanted to hurt you.

Frustrating though it may be, her room is her room and if she wishes to live in a skanky mess - it's her choice. Pick your battles.
My eldest DD was the same until she got a boyfriend at about 17. He must have commented and lo and behold, the room got cleaned. Weirdly, he didn't last long but the cleaning did. She now spontaneously cleans her own room and other areas of the house.

They do come out of the other side of being a teenager !

Body doubling is a great technique, which is you being in the room.

Breaking tasks down into steps is super helpful, possibly with a timer attached.

On ADHD boards I’ve seen parents have positive results with using voice assistants to help like Alexa Routines.

It could say something like: You’ve got two minutes to pick up every single thing on the floor and put it on your bed. Go!

Now pick up the dirty clothes and put them in the hamper. Sixty seconds and counting

Are there any cups or dishes which need to go in the dishwasher? Pick them up and sort them out and be back in three minutes for your next task Etc.

The theory is that having a robot giving instructions feels quite neutral.

There’s a useful free website for generating step-by-step to do lists called something like Goblin Tasks.

Hope something there is useful.

An opened bag of peanuts!? I’m beyond baffled at how this is a big deal… a bit odd yes but why is OO even checking under daughters pillow?
OP seems insane and DD is probably better off at her dads for now

I’m beyond baffled at how this is a big deal

I thought this. OP would likely be appalled by my 17yo DS's bedside table "snack draw"

😂😂😂I should have tried that when I was a teenager - "Muuuuuum, you're so neglectful for not picking up my pants!!"

It being neglectful and child needing to put laundry in basket are not mutually exclusive - both can happen at same time.

5 weeks tho. Thats grim for any parent to knowingly leave un-dealt-with. Even in the 80s

and this is why we have a country of snowflakes.
lazy ass folk who take no responsibility for anything and no respect for anyone. and thinks the world owes them a favour.
let's all do what we want at the expense of parents/family and when we are called out for our mess cry ooh i'm scared and it will all go away. PLEASE.