14yo refusing to come home

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So in a nutshell my dd 14 (who I’ve raised on my own, dad is uninvolved & uninterested in her day to day) and myself have been butting heads quite frequently recently.
It’s over things like her bedroom looking it’s been burgled almost daily, her lack of personal hygiene, her inability to put dirty washing in the washing basket, her stealing her younger sisters treats etc, going in my bedroom and helping herself to my things, lying and being sly.
Her dad does bare minimum and she’s not had much of a relationship with him since his current gf got him to call SS on me about 3 years ago… it was over a tonne of petty things, her having holes in her leggings, me asking him for £12.50 extra toward her lunches and bus fares when she started comp and £10 toward a pair of school shoes… obvs nothing come of it but she didn’t want to talk to him for the best part of 2 years.

Fast forward to last week when I discovered she’d slept all night with a large bag of opened peanuts under her pillow, I sent her a pic of it while she was at school saying wtaf???
Waited for her to come home at 3.30pm, received a text of daddy dearest at 3.31 saying she was with him and would be staying with him for a while because she doesn’t like when I shout. She went with the clothes on her back.
It’s day 4 now and she’s saying she wants to live there in their rule free household, him and the gf she has hated all this time. I am beyond heartbroken and I just do not know how to navigate this situation. They’ll be filling her full of poison against me and I can already tell by the way she’s responding to texts that they’re telling her what to say.
I guess it’s not an AIBU post, more of asking for advice on what I should do?

Does she have adhd ?

‘Disney dad’ amazing!
He would say to her on the odd occasion he would have her over the years that he will never say no to her, there’ll be no bedtimes, no curfew, she can eat sweets all day every day, not have to eat meals she doesn’t want, she can be on her phone 24/7, he’d never make her brush her teeth… this is how lacking this person is.
He also has 3 other dds and only 1 of them (the youngest 8) has a relationship with his gf. And he regularly falls out with the older 2, 22 & 17.

I believe she might but has never been assessed

Hard as it is

sit back and enjoy spending time with your other children. Your dd will have been taken a little of your attention away and now you can give your other that attention

your dd is safe and warm, she’s not on the streets having run away and that’s a big consultation- you know where she is

for now your dd will be ok the novelty for them all will wear off though. It will not be long before your ex and his gf find the realities of living with a teenager very different from how they perceived it would be.

teenagers can be mercenary don’t take it personally
send her a text saying my door is always open to you. Text her once a week to ask how she is but leave it there

Google inattentive adhd and see if it applies. My mum used to go spare at me for things similar to what you have described - aged 50 plus we realised I have exec functions issues.

This. Leave her there. She wants to act all big and clever so let her live with the consequences. A good lesson for her would be to see the grass isn't greener. And when she does want to come running back after the fun is over, only allow her back with rules and boundaries.

Rubbish. What is with theses posts and excuses just 'because teens'.

This is really helpful, thank you

Your dd will soon tire of this. So will they. This is one of those moments when you need to step back and let them work it out. Remain welcoming and loving towards dd.

In the meantime please research about adhd in teen girls, I recognised your dds behaviour immediately as the same as mine. Same age. They need a lot of support and a lot of slack given.

Your dd will be struggling through the school day as it is, almost certainly overwhelmed with her GSCEs, the pressure and stress. I support my dd by helping her tidy up. Stay clean. We have strategies to deal with overwhelm, and I never shout. It doesn’t work. If you can see her lack of organisation and ability to care for herself is not to annoy you, but because she just can’t do it. It becomes too much. Offer help rather than tell her off.

I don’t do everything for my dd, we do it together. I make jokes and use humour about growing penicillin. Ultimately teens do need more from us if they have adhd. It’s so much harder for them.

I had undiagnosed adhd and this is exactly how i felt as a very messy teen.

I was made to feel so, so much shame over something i really didn't have the skills or awareness to know how to cope with. Had mobile phones been a thing when i was growing up, my mum would certainly have texted me a photo of my room and said wtf. I would have then been feeling sick with anxiety for the rest of the day over the confrontation i was going to go home to. I just really didn't see why my personal space being a mess was such an issue for my mum when it wasnt for me and i was the one living in it.

I didn't have dirty underwear or food lying around though. If i could have got away from the constant shame and guilt i felt over my personal space not being up to my mother's standards, i would have taken it.

I wish my mum had been like you.

Nope. Teens rooms become their space. They bring the thing out that need washing. Or put on their own wash.

If a room got untidy it stressed me - so I closed the door.

Maybe she was changing her bed?

OP, I agree with this poster and think you need to calm down, take a deep breath before you raise issues with your daughter.

OP my DD14 has ADHD so I have a lot of these issues too, personal hygiene etc she is like Stig of the dump and if I didn't run her a bath or tidy her room, ensure clean underwear is out etc she wouldn't bother.

But honestly, she comes home exhausted from school so I try not to shame her about things just try and couch it about taking better care of herself which is slowly working.

I really hope your DD will be home soon, she'll get fed up of no rules and fending for herself.

If she does have adhd, it may be that she didn't know what to do about the peanuts and that's why she tried to hide it. To a neurotypical person it might seem obvious to either put them back in the packet and into the kitchen, or to throw them away.

But making a decision like that, after she's made a mistake and let the peanuts go all over the bed and she's supposed to be getting ready for school can seem like a paralysing choice.

My thought process would have been:

"Oh shit, i fell asleep and the peanuts spilled. Mums going to be angry. Do i put them back in the packet, even though they're not clean enough to eat now because i slept on them, or do i throw them away and waste a packet of peanuts? What will mum say if she happens to notice the peanuts in the bin? Will she go mad because i can't tell her i fell asleep and they spilled out? I feel so guilty i shouldn't have fallen asleep and let them spill, I'm such a stupid lazy idiot, why can't i just get things right?

Better to hide them under the pillows and deal with them later when I've got time to think about what to do about it. Hopefully she won't go in my room. Oh no, mum's found them and texted a photo, now I'm in trouble again and there's going to be a row when i get home. Dad wouldn't think this is a problem, I'll go there instead because he wouldn't care."

To anyone who reads the above and thinks I'm just making excuses, or I'm a lazy snowflake, fuck off. this is my experience of living with adhd ever day. Adhd paralysis is a real thing and that's what it looks like in my head.

Honestly, if you think she may have ADHD then the worst thing you can do is shame her for behaviours that are symptoms of her adhd. Perhaps start parenting her as if she does have adhd. There's plenty of resources out there. ADDitudemag.com is a good place to start.

It strikes me that the reason Disney dad might be Disney dadding is that ADHD is often genetic. Maybe he has it too, and was shamed for things he couldn't help in the past and he doesn't want to do it to his own daughter. Obviously not the personal hygiene bit but the bit about him not making her eat food she doesn't want - honestly it sounds like his house is way more adhd friendly where she can make her own decisions about when she's tired, what meals to eat etc. Perhaps you need to give her more freedom to make choices that make sense to her.

Chances are she will be waiting years for a diagnosis. Self diagnosis and acting as if she is adhd is valid in the meantime.

Another strategy when she comes back is to stop shouting at her ever. There is no need to shout. She clearly didn’t want to come home because of that. It doesn’t teach anything. And never tell her off while she’s a school - that’s not on.

You are allowing the home you run to become a warzone. Quieten up and lead it with love, reason and civil communication. Model this for your chaotic teen.

Tell her when she’s home in a kind and calm manner what the problem is, why it’s a problem and that you trust her to sort problem out. Even if you don’t. Keep doing this. Make it about building her up, not knocking her down.

I give this advice direct from my own experience of realising conflict and tension, shouting and rows, did not work for my teenage daughter. She didn’t suddenly get better but as our relationship improved, she felt more confident and we worked out a way to enjoy being together. I was right to trust her as she is a wonderful adult.

I also think you should model reasonable, thoughtful behaviour by starting with an apology for bringing your home issues into her school day unnecessarily. And for shouting at her. She does need to know home is open to her and she’s welcome back whenever she wants, because you trust her to help you get your family back on an even keel.

Teens are extraordinarily annoying and irrational but they are also wonderful and sensitive. They can be so fragile too. It’s a very difficult stage for many. Gentle handling can turn things round without trampling on their confidence. I’m not saying ignore the problems. Communicate with love, that’s all.

I think the OP is getting an unduly hard time here - OP, you must be worried sick about your daughter. Leaving a load of peanuts under the pillow is gross and even if your dd has ADHD she will have to learn to be a bit more hygienic in her habits. One of my DCs has some really filthy habits and after being cross with her a few times we've found a way around it which is basically she has her own laundry bag in her room and twice a week on set days she puts her stuff in the washing machine, and she tidies her room every morning for 10 minutes before going to school. It's now as routine as brushing her teeth and built into the morning.

You could apologise for sending the photo - it could have given her a fright/a 'here we go' feeling of not wanting to come home as she knows she'd have to face your anger if she did.

I hope she's in touch with you and you can have a loving, calm conversation. Presumably there are some activities you like doing together and you could let her know you miss her and wish she was there to watch netflix/have dinner with or whatever it is you enjoy together. You could say you just lost your temper over the peanuts and wish you hadn't and if she comes home you can work it out. Just make sure the door is open for her, don't beg/plead, and then let it be.

I know my dd feels like her head is about to explode when she is presented with a peanut type situation. She knows she has messed up. She feels she is always messing up. She doesn’t know how to fix it, so it’s left.
Don’t worry because there are plenty of other people lining up to tell her how this negatively affects them - her teachers for sloppy, late homework, her friends for being scatty or needy. The bus driver for always forgetting her pass and so on. She will be comparing herself in a constantly negative light. We are their safe harbour from the world.

Things that work for us:

Packing the day before
Nightly routines for showers etc. Reminders and daily checklist for deodorant and teeth brushing even now Making lists
Setting alarms to remember things
A kindle because she can’t sleep well so she is not left alone in bed with nothing to do.
An agreed menu around vegetables
Clean uniform out ready each day
We make her bed together. Pull curtains - close a million drawers
We tidy up her room before bed each night, so her mind can relax and rest.
We keep an eye on her homework timetable and help her plan
We advise her how to moderate her responses on SM and WA etc and to always reply when calm
We live in a peaceful, orderly house so she feels secure.
We understand her unique vulnerability
We celebrate her high energy, character and achievements constantly to counter the outside negativity, especially when she has managed to remember to brush her hair!
I even brush her hair op because it would turn to matted hair and she wouldn’t even notice or care.
When she explodes, I respond with calm compassion because it’s hard sometimes- who wouldn’t feel the same as them. She has every right to feel angry and overwhelmed with life, because that’s her experience.
I never compare her to others. I adjusted my expectations to suit her

They won’t always need this much parental input, but for now they do. The spooner we learn to embrace and love their wildness - their feral ways and the essence of who they are - the better it will be for everyone.

I would apologise too, and tell her you know she is doing her best.

I don't understand what the issue is with the peanuts, unless she is not supposed to have them for medical reasons.

Intruding into someone's work or school day to complain about a problem at home is not on, unless it's a genuine emergency.

All of this. Similar thing happened with my eldest son and the son of a headteacher I worked for. The 'coolness' will quickly fade and the chaos will lose its glow. The girlfriend may also find that 'the prize ' she thinks she has won is actually a brat.
As this poster said ,just be calm,measured and tell her the door is always open. Make sure you and you other daughter also enjoy the peace.

Can’t believe some of the comments that the OP has been getting. Neglectful for not washing clothes that aren’t put in a laundry basket!? WTAF. My teen knows that if it isn’t in the laundry basket, it doesn’t get washed. I’m not dealing with a floordrobe and there is no reason why I should. There is a clear expectation set and reminders are given the day before I do the wash. Some people are just enabling the next generation to be disrespectful slobs.

Leave the door open to your daughter OP but don’t drop your boundaries, you would be doing her no favours to do so.

I have a teenager with adhd and they are as described by posters above.
Let her go and live with her dad. It won't be as great as she thinks it'll be but she needs to find this out for herself.