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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14yo refusing to come home

134 replies

Redrum22 · 24/09/2023 21:59

So in a nutshell my dd 14 (who I’ve raised on my own, dad is uninvolved & uninterested in her day to day) and myself have been butting heads quite frequently recently.
It’s over things like her bedroom looking it’s been burgled almost daily, her lack of personal hygiene, her inability to put dirty washing in the washing basket, her stealing her younger sisters treats etc, going in my bedroom and helping herself to my things, lying and being sly.
Her dad does bare minimum and she’s not had much of a relationship with him since his current gf got him to call SS on me about 3 years ago… it was over a tonne of petty things, her having holes in her leggings, me asking him for £12.50 extra toward her lunches and bus fares when she started comp and £10 toward a pair of school shoes… obvs nothing come of it but she didn’t want to talk to him for the best part of 2 years.

Fast forward to last week when I discovered she’d slept all night with a large bag of opened peanuts under her pillow, I sent her a pic of it while she was at school saying wtaf???
Waited for her to come home at 3.30pm, received a text of daddy dearest at 3.31 saying she was with him and would be staying with him for a while because she doesn’t like when I shout. She went with the clothes on her back.
It’s day 4 now and she’s saying she wants to live there in their rule free household, him and the gf she has hated all this time. I am beyond heartbroken and I just do not know how to navigate this situation. They’ll be filling her full of poison against me and I can already tell by the way she’s responding to texts that they’re telling her what to say.
I guess it’s not an AIBU post, more of asking for advice on what I should do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 06:42

Soontobe60 · 03/10/2023 06:35

And here lies the problem - you see it as a betrayal. She just wants a relationship with her dad.
If I’d gone into my DDs room and taken photos of it then sent them to her whilst she was at school she would have gone ballistic. It’s a massive invasion of her privacy.
Oh, and despite you saying you’re not going to pay him CM, if he goes via CMS you won’t have a choice.

Show quote history

If he went to CMS he’d have to declare he wasn’t actually on benefits as he is claiming he is, when he in fact is working 2 jobs and I have a sneaking suspicion he isn’t officially down as living with his GF so she can claim maximum UC as this is usually his style.
They also are unregistered dog breeders.
So if he calls CMS I will most certainly be calling HMRC 🙂

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 03/10/2023 07:19

Back off. Make sure she knows she can come home whenever and without recriminations. And her room is her own territory- if she wants to live in a mess that's her choice! It's at about this age that the parent child relationship starts to gradually tilt towards housemates....

users953269 · 03/10/2023 12:09

I’ve taken ALL the advice from my OP. The people closest to me have been supportive of me as they know my struggles with her and how challenging it is to be a lone parent without the support of another adult in raising a child. I come on here to get the negative, non biased opinions on how it appears to people who don’t know us and also advice on how to navigate the situation.

That doesn't make sense.
No one on here knows you so we are all just giving advice based on our experience and opinions.

BoohooWoohoo · 03/10/2023 12:17

users953269 · 03/10/2023 12:09

I’ve taken ALL the advice from my OP. The people closest to me have been supportive of me as they know my struggles with her and how challenging it is to be a lone parent without the support of another adult in raising a child. I come on here to get the negative, non biased opinions on how it appears to people who don’t know us and also advice on how to navigate the situation.

That doesn't make sense.
No one on here knows you so we are all just giving advice based on our experience and opinions.

Sometimes people in real life are too polite to say certain things so an anonymous forum gives you some other angles to think about.

MoonShinesBright · 03/10/2023 12:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

users953269 · 03/10/2023 12:29

@BoohooWoohoo

I agree.
Forcing a teenager to do something, or anyone at that, doesn't work.

Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 15:23

users953269 · 03/10/2023 12:09

I’ve taken ALL the advice from my OP. The people closest to me have been supportive of me as they know my struggles with her and how challenging it is to be a lone parent without the support of another adult in raising a child. I come on here to get the negative, non biased opinions on how it appears to people who don’t know us and also advice on how to navigate the situation.

That doesn't make sense.
No one on here knows you so we are all just giving advice based on our experience and opinions.

Yeah hence the part when I said i come on here to get all angels… but it’s funny THATS the part of it you picked up on it…

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 15:29

@users953269 did you just come on here to argue? Because NOTHING you’ve said so far is relevant to anything being discussed.

OP posts:
users953269 · 03/10/2023 15:46

Redrum22 · 03/10/2023 15:29

@users953269 did you just come on here to argue? Because NOTHING you’ve said so far is relevant to anything being discussed.

Try my first comment for reference.

I was aghast at some of the earlier comments Re daughter feeling scared to come home but starting to feel less so.

I'll leave this now as despite having many similarities to your situation I don't wish to engage.

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