Why does a bad meal out turn me in to a d**k?!

[kennycat]

We went out for lunch with the children and it was husband's secret choice. He's a big meat eater and I'm not and I have an ED so it's always tricky anyway. As always I had a minor nervous breakdown actually deciding what I wanted as I weigh up price/calories/likelihood of vegetables etc etc and decided on a 'red pepper and harissa chicken burger'. with a baked potato rather than fries. Menu said it came with tomato, lettuce and fried red onions. It did not. I asked where they were and the waitress traipsed back from kitchen saying that it had changed since the menu was written to which I said 'you can't do that!'. The children shared a big old beef burger which had cheese in, pickles, burnt ends and whatnot and was only £1 more than my disappointing affair.
I went and spoke to the chap in charge and said how utterly shite it was and got something taken off the bill. He also told me that it was the 'beef burgers' that came with the salad items and not the chicken burger. How silly I thought!

I did this away from the table to try and not be a dick in front of family but it pretty much ruined the steak experience for my husband and he's said we aren't going out for dinner again because this happens a lot.
I'm cross with myself because I spoiled his day.
However, I absolutely cannot stand crap food when paying a small fortune for it. I just can't suck it up like he seems to be able to.
Talk me down- I can't stop beating myself up about this. How dare I behave like this?? How should I have dealt with my rubbish meal?

Or it might be him?

I supported my daughter through an ED and the ED turned my lovely kind polite caring daughter into a deceitful rude impossible brute sometimes.

Cut yourself some slack. You did well to manage a meal out. He knows you did your best and he loves you.

I didn’t say those actual words! I was really polite about it and the manager totally sympathised with my points. I wouldn’t dream of being that rude to someone!

Sounds like you've been going to the wrong places. I'm not being entirely flippant, that menu screams of mass produced stuff picked to look good on the menu not feel good in your mouth and tummy.
And how hard is it to bake a potato properly?!
The ED can't help but complicate things but it didn't undercook your potato!

Then why say that you did say 'how shite it was'. Why not just state what you said? Posters think you are rude because of what you put in your first post.

If you had asked, when your food came out, if it would be possible to have a thick slice of tomato and whatever else you wanted, I'm sure you could have had it. I really do not understand why things got to the stage where your husband has refused to eat out with you again but the fact that he has now said that should be resonating with you for change, not this.

You sound entirely self-absorbed and I think that has nothing to do with an eating disorder. Many people have eating disorders; many.

Thank you for all your comments. Some nuggets to cling on to there for me.
im not a serial complainer but am very hot on getting the meal I ordered. With what bits meant to come with as usually it’s the side bits that have attracted me to the meal rather than the main thing!

this Is a monthly thing we’ve done for the last 15 years since marrying. We go to a new place each month and it’s a secret from the other person . I’ve shied away from the last few and really thought I was ready to resume it. Turns out not!!

As someone who has experiences with EDs.

you either need to stop going out for food, choose purely on calories that you like (bowl of chips) or get what you actually want (a burger with burnt ends by the sound of it) and sod the calories.

It's absolutely shit going out with someone who doesn't order what they want and orders a healthy / low cal option and is then disappointed because, shocker, they never wanted it the first place.

The majority of the staff are probably on less than minimum wage and you berating them because you can't read a menu / order stuff you like is totally ridiculous. It could be your kids in a couple of years time.

Either eat what you want when you go out or stop going and let your family enjoy it, and get some help around your ed.

I know this comes across as harsh but you and your family will be happier if you sort it.

Eating out is treat and if you don't see it as such stop going.

As someone who used to suffer from an ED, I just chose not to go out and eat.

Its easily something you can live without and your DH can take your kids as a treat instead.

It’s honestly just not worth the anxiety and stress.
Its meant to be enjoyable.

Why not come up with a new thing that you can surprise each other with.
Maybe an activity instead (museum, beach, cinema, go karting, looking around a different town etc).

this Is a monthly thing we’ve done for the last 15 years since marrying. We go to a new place each month and it’s a secret from the other person .

Is that actually fun for you? Seems to me you'd be far happier planning what you're going to order ahead of time than trying to do it on the spot.

I didn’t say it was uttter shite to the staff!! I said that in my head and spoke to them politely about it!! I’d never be so rude to the staff in an eatery!!

You misread the menu (although I can see how you made the mistake and from the many posts here, you're apparently not alone in doing that).

You asked for a baked potato instead of fries, which wasn't actually on the menu, so the kitchen had already been kind in accommodating you.

I think the issue is that you resent paying for any meal, and even if it was cooked wonderfully with excellent service, you would still be upset because you're not ready to cope with eating food outside of the home yet.

Your DH could have been kinder in how he framed his comments about not eating out with you again, but I understand why he was emotional when he felt like you ruined yet another social eating experience for him, and he's not wrong to suggest that you put a pause on eating out until you develop some better strategies.

I think you should focus on enjoying nice food together at home, and when you feel more comfortable eating as a family at home, you can explore eating out again at certain restaurants, gradually broadening where you will go. It might also be worth going back to therapy if you aren't currently receiving any (I say back, because I would hope that with an ED someone had previously helped you access some).

Your behaviour was upsetting to your DH, but I think it's really the ED he's upset with, not you. In the moment, it's difficult to articulate this, so when you've both calmed down, it's worth a gentle chat to discuss how you can tackle this together.

Some restaurants do 'eat at home' kits where you can cook already prepared fancy food. It's not much cheaper than eating out, but it's a treat, something different and you would have more control over it? Could something like that be something you're willing to try to work towards?

I don't have an eating disorder but I would absolutely hate that. Stop with the "surprise" element. That will help as you'll be able to look ahead of time

It’s the anxiety that makes you react. I have terrible anxiety as a passenger in a car and me and DH invariably fall out on journeys. I’m better if I take a kalms and know the route etc.
Whilst the idea of a secret venue is good with your ED you’d be better knowing the restaurant and choosing from the menu beforehand rather than being on the spot. That would reduce some of the anxiety and then you’d be less het up. I would also be inclined to pick a starter with say a side of sweet potato fries which essentially would be smaller. I do that if I’m on a diet

this Is a monthly thing we’ve done for the last 15 years since marrying. We go to a new place each month and it’s a secret from the other person

I am only half-exaggerating when I say that this sounds like a bizarre act of sado-masochism for a couple where one of the parties has an eating disorder.

I think you might have misread the menu too- it’s not massively clear but maybe double check in future.

But in all honesty all this weighing up this and that sounds like a recipe for disaster- would it not work that you give yourself a “night off”, just order what you fancy and then eat super healthy the next day? Or have what you want as food but just drink water or no pudding? I think that the real issue here was that you didn’t want it in the first place and then it was even worse than you were expecting!

Your title + your ED is the answer you need. You thought you had control over what you ordered and found that you didn't.

No judgement on your ED, however I would send the family out to eat either without you. Or, as I've done in the past while waiting for a gallbladder OP. Are first and just nibbled on something and had a few beers

If her DH likes the surprise element, she could surprise him when she's picking, but he could tell her in advance when he's picking? That way it could be more fun for both of them.

(But only when the OP is ready to go back to eating out regularly.)

I think honestly that I’d see the feta and rocket as ‘stated otherwise’ as mentioned at the top of the menu.
I can see why you thought it was misleading but I wouldn’t have ruined a family meal over a bit of salad. My DH can be like this and pick- it ruins the experience for everyone and causes tension.
Honestly I would have maybe mentioned it and moved on

Also, I’m always saying this to
my DH, order to the place’s strengths! E.g. he will go to a rural chip shop and order a kebab, then complain it’s shit! Because he’s used to kebabs in Turkish places around Edgware Road. If he’d ordered fish it would have been nice. I would expect a baked potato in a burger joint might be a bit meh- unless it’s a speciality like skins with toppings etc.

I agree.

This restaurant sounds crap but also if you don’t eat meat and have an eating disorder, I expect eating out anywhere is an issue for you.

Or DH can get over it and they can choose a place to go to together

Sometimes you just have to let things go. I was out a few weeks ago and had a really lovely meal. There was a lady at a table near us that found something to complain about everything. She ended up getting really aggressive with the staff and was an absolute cow quite frankly (I said as much to the waiting staff). Now did her actions really make her feel better or could she have just let it go and enjoyed her meal rather than ruining it for her friends…

Exactly this

I'd probably have been pissed off about this too, but I also don't like being out with people who make a bit of a scene about 'bad' food so, if this is what you did, I'd sympathise with your companions. In this scenario, surely it's possible to politely ask for, and be given, the salad items. As regards the baked potato, just put it down to experience and don't go to that place again.