To be pissed off about my mixed race son's hair?

[jswaw]

I have a 4 year old with ExDP.

I am mixed race (black carribbean and white). Ex DP is white.

DS has very curly classic "mixed race" curls, not as tight as mine but curly nonetheless and doesn't behave like Caucasian hair.

I have told my ex this and stressed the importance of doing his hair on the 2 days a week he has him. He comes back with knotty, matted hair I then have to brush out which is distressing for DS. It is becoming dry and breaking off. He sends him to school without it being done and it looks an absolute mess!!

I have given him specific instructions and sent photos of the correct products.

To my knowledge, he's done his hair less than five times and it's with a product that does not suit his hair type.

AIBU to expect him to do this? I don't know what else to do, he doesn't listen!

Yanbu to be pissed off. Is he doing other self care stuff like teeth brushing?

DS says he only brushes his teeth in the mornings there, never in the evening.

YANBU
Yes your exdp should care and be investing in his ds’s hair, it is really important, and he is being disrespectful to not bother.
Besides, it could be a good bonding thing to do with ds, quality time taking care of his hair.

Thank you

Agree

YANBU. Could you give your Ex the correct products to make it easier for him? Or teach your son how to do it himself?

Nothing that pisses you off is unreasonable and this is going to piss anyone off regardless if it is carelessness on your ex's behalf or if they are purposefully "neglecting" your son to score points over you.

If it could be the latter, letting your frustration show may actually be fuelling the behaviour but in the more likely event it's the former, well I doubt he's gonna change anyway so it's likely best to focus on helping your son gain some independence over their hair over time.

Messy situation but you can't control how the other parent brings up your child unfortunately.

It might be worth changing your son's hairstyle if your ex won't look after it properly?

I know it's not the right answer and he should be making the effort, but since he won't, something he can't mess up at least saves your son the matting and you some of the frustration?

Once he's old enough to look after it himself, then he can choose how to have his hair?

Is he responsible enough to have him overnight if he can’t even brush his teeth and care for his hair?

jswaw · Today 11:00

BoohooWoohoo · Today 10:59

Yanbu to be pissed off. Is he doing other self care stuff like teeth brushing?

DS says he only brushes his teeth in the mornings there, never in the evening.”

Equally bad. How old is your son?

I can see why you're podded off. But in general, I think toddlers having hair styles that need more than a quick wash and 30 seconds with a brush is a huge mistake. But he ought to take care of the hair his kid has.

*pissed off.

YANBU it's part of sons care along with bathing and cleaning teeth. While you've made it easy for ex by giving instructions of what works best perhaps just send the necessary products with son so it's there to be used and doesn't rely on ex buying it. Could also dispense into a container to split, but would give him the original package so has all the info. I know you shouldn't have to but removes an excuse for ex not doing it.

Would ex prefer it to be cut short so less effort for him and so suits for it to matt. Messy looking hair is ok but matted or knotty is painful to sort out even in straight hair so makes sense to avoid it. I imagine most of us have ended up with a chunk cut out and when hair is slow growing too its awful, hopefully you can iron out the issue with ex now while at 4 as not unusual to hacked own hair off so is less likely to have an effect on self-esteem.

Annoying as it is about your ex regardless I would be working on teaching your son to manage his own hair. My daughter did her own hair for school from reception - sure it was a bit messy at first but it’s at an age where messy is accepted and she was very soon teaching herself to do Dutch braids etc.

If this is causing your 4 year old distress then I would cut his hair short.

Does he enjoy having longer hair? Or would he rather have it short and not have to sit getting it brushed out by a parent?

Unfortunately you can’t force his dad to care for his hair properly and it’s upsetting and painful for your little lad to have matted hair.

Not always an option with Afro hair. He could keep it very short or OP could braid it though (would surely be easier for ex just to help on his days).

Yes that must be annoying

Is he doing this to annoy you, or is it ignorance - or does he struggle with life skills?

I think you have to figure out the most practical way to tackle it, remembering that as your son gets older (and will care more) he can help direct his dad.

I think you need to give your DS a hairstyle that's manageable for everyone. At the moment, he's the one being negatively impacted here and I don't think it's fair to make him sit through getting knots and matts brushed out multiple times a week just so he can keep a longer style.

Until he's old enough to care for it himself, a shorter hairstyle would be better. I had similarly complicated hair as a child and my hair was kept short for similar reasons.

Yes, in an ideal world your ex would keep up with the proper care, but you can't force it and it's not fair for your DS to suffer as a result.

That’s really shit.

He just can’t be bothered can he

It isnt about the style. It is about caring for the hair.

Focus on what you can control here.
Your ex is not going to start caring for your son's hair. Therefore either your son has cornrow braids or his hair cut short until he's a bit older and can take a bit more care of it himself.

Sadly, I think this.
But YANBU at all to be pissed off or feel that it's a reasonable expectation of your ex. Its perfectly reasonable. You just can't make him do it. It's definitely not going to be the last time you feel resentful, and I imagine there's an extra element of feeling that he doesn't value your sons heritage.

It is about style, though. Shorter hair is much easier to care for and won't matt or get knotted within two days.

Didn't you complain about this 6 months or so ago? Or was that another poster?

You shouldnt have to - but could you put it in a protective style (braids, cornrows etc) just until your son is old enough to do it himself, as his dad sounds utterly useless.

To me it is abusive to not be able to care properly for your child's basic hygene needs (teeth brushing, making sure hair isn't matted etc) and I would be telling him as much!

Also I remember when I was at primary school (a bit older than your Ds though) that there were always a few kids with yellow teeth/bad breath/greasy or matted hair/dirty damp smelling/stained uniform and they were known as the 'smelly kids'; that through no fault of their own weren't being taken care of adequately by there parents in terms of hygene (even if they were loved and taken care of in other ways)

I would be worried that if his dad can't pull his finger out now and isn't keeping his hair nice and brushing his teeth regularly this could spiral. It's not as if it's just one factor that he's slacking on so this would be my worry.