To be pissed off about my mixed race son's hair?

[jswaw]

I have a 4 year old with ExDP.

I am mixed race (black carribbean and white). Ex DP is white.

DS has very curly classic "mixed race" curls, not as tight as mine but curly nonetheless and doesn't behave like Caucasian hair.

I have told my ex this and stressed the importance of doing his hair on the 2 days a week he has him. He comes back with knotty, matted hair I then have to brush out which is distressing for DS. It is becoming dry and breaking off. He sends him to school without it being done and it looks an absolute mess!!

I have given him specific instructions and sent photos of the correct products.

To my knowledge, he's done his hair less than five times and it's with a product that does not suit his hair type.

AIBU to expect him to do this? I don't know what else to do, he doesn't listen!

I still think the distress this issue is causing your son can be minimised by cutting his hair short.

Afro hair is easier to brush out if it’s shorter. Of course it still can’t be left without some care. Let’s not start accusing each other of being ignorant of other races because practical solutions are being suggested.

It takes less time and requires less product if it’s short. . Your ds can learn how to do this himself far earlier if it’s a manageable length.

Yes your ex is being a prick but I’m guessing that’s partly why you divorced him.

Take the path of least resistance to protect your son.

I'm going to agree with pp on here, that his dad is being lazy and neglectful. If you're the parent of a dual heritage child, it's your responsibility to learn how to deal with these things. I'm white, with straight hair, my husband is black, so had to learn how to deal with the very curly hair of my children. I learned what products to use and care techniques from a local hairdresser. You learn how to care appropriately, because that's your responsibility! Unbelievable attitude.

I think you sound quite patronising suggesting a ‘practical’ solution to OP.

She has said her son doesn’t want to cut his hair. Do you REALLY think she hadn’t thought of that?

You 100% have the right to be pissed off, that's baffling surely he'd notice the matting/knots?

Devil's advocate in me though, or giving him the benefit of the doubt - Does he know WHY? Like, actually understand why?
A lot of men if they don't deem something important or don't understand the reasoning for why just won't bother.

You said you stressed the importance to your ex, as well as giving instructions and pictures - Which is absolutely great, but at least from personal experiences men don't tend to understand hair care and you REALLY have to spell it out for them.
They don't register that BaME hair types require different care. I question if they even realise hair HAS different types sometimes.
At least from my experiences they barely understand that shower gel is not in fact shampoo!

I do think you should inform the school in writing about your ex's neglect of your child's personal care needs. Explain that the days he turns up with matted hair and any other signs of neglect, this is because your son has been with his father.
I also understand about needing appropriate products and caring for his hair, but unfortunately, no matter what products you send, ex is not going to do it. It is deliberate neglect and is designed to wind you up and make you angry and anxious. He does not care about his child's feelings about any of it. Men like this never do.
I agree with pp's point about head lice. They are absolutely rife in primary schools and if your DS hasn't had them yet, you can be certain he will, so you really do need to factor that in to whatever strategy you adopt.

Can he sleep in a bonnet? I would send that along with the hair grease and a wide tooth comb.

Its hard. I'm quarter too but my children are half North African so their hair is a mix of my curls and their dads tight curls.

My sons keep their hair high top fade and I've had to cut my daughters hair shoulder length as she gets a shag knot at the back of her hair every night. The struggle in the morning was too much.

I’m not intending to patronise. I’m not saying that cutting his hair is the right solution.
Im suggesting this is the easiest solution- the one that will cause her son the least. distress.

The other solution is to battle it out with his dad. Find a way to force him? How?

Appealing to his dad/ asking him/ instructing him hasn’t worked.

Can you not put it in a protected hair style? And send a bonnet/durag along with him,I do this when my children sleep at there grandparents on both sides it makes life so much easier for everybody.

As a four year old, i didn't get input on my hair styling. It was very short to be convenient for my parents.

Negative feelings at that age are basically kids reflecting what parents model. If you were enthusiastic about a short style, he would be, too.

Don't blame you for being irritated at the lazy dad.

I think grandparents (usually) would want to help and do things correctly. I know I would. I don't think OP's ex has any intention of making any effort whatsoever.

Nobody is saying he should be bald

I'm also female with mixed race hair, and at that age, I wasn't given a choice when it came to length and style, because I wasn't the one who was washing it, styling it and looking after it.

Until I was at the upper end of primary and able to care for it myself, then my parents decided how it was kept. In my case, that meant short hair that took the minimal amount of upkeep, which is what people are suggesting here.

It may not be fair but it would make things much easier for everyone.

If it wasn't your son's hair it would be something else.

Many years ago a friend's young son came back from 5 days with his dad wearing 5 t-shirts. Mum had told son he had a t-shirt for every day - so poor little chap put on a new one every day. Obviously lazy-arse dad didn't check if son was washing/changing clothes.

Ob your ex is an ex for a reason. Is it possible can you teach dc to comb his own hair and put product on it - send some of yours in a small travel container, its disgusting that you should even have to though 😡

Hmm my son is mixed but only 1/4 white and he didn’t have a choice and cutting his hair as he would let anyone touch it or brush/comb it, if I left him to it he would have long matted hair, so we cut it, he doesn’t like getting it cut but as the parent you make the decision, it’s not low it’s not even shaved it’s just cut to a more manageable level and yes it does make a massive difference

At the end of the day you can't control how your partner cares for his son unless the standard falls below a certain limit.
What you can do is firstly do your best to teach him to brush his own teeth ( he does it alone first, and then you do them after) and remind him at drop of to try and remember .
Secondly, you decide whether longer tangled hair that your child prefers is preferable to short hair that suffers less from not being adequately cared for. When you have decided which you value the most then you can try your best with that. So either a cut or sending kid with products, but accepting that his father may choose to not want to dedicate the time to this. You can't police that.

I would have liked my husband to have done more of certain things with the kids while they were younger. When you have or grow up as a mixed race family or even a family from distinct cultures and languages these things can be quite complicated and you can often feel that you or your kids are forever missing out on parts of things, often depending on the sex of each parent.

You are not being unreasonable, he should absolutely take the time to take care of your sons hair. However I will say my husbands hair is C4 prior to the pandemic he always had it cut short but has since grown it out and we have both found challenging to take care of due to our lack of experience (I am white). I have spent a lot of time on YouTube and Google trying to educate myself - bought silk pillow case, bonnets, the right hair brushes/combs, appropriate hair products ect. It has got better but the reality of it is we are still struggling because neither of us have had the benefit of someone showing up in person…. If you can bear it - try to sit down with ex and show him. He might just be genuinely struggling with an unfamiliar hair texture, and if he still fails to take care of it adequately thereafter you know he is just a lazy asshole.

OP you don’t need to send him product. You can send a little spray bottle with water and maybe a small squirt of leave in conditioner for extra slippage.

And a de tangle brush and maybe your DS can do it himself? Or he can brush it in the bath/shower in the morning when it’s wet?

Wanker.

you’ll get a load of people coming on suggesting you do this or that to cut your sons hair not knowing the relevance, sensitivity, and history regarding black peoples hair.

I would be telling him your son won’t be going until he can learn to manage his hair. Or alternatively put it in a protective style that will last the weekend.

Not that you asked, but to avoid the shag knot I’d try a couple of loose braids at night 2/4 plus the bonnet should stop it.

I think if he isn’t responsable enough to brush his sons’ teeth then he isn’t responsible enough to have him stay overnight. It’s basic care and is neglectful.
Why is he not bothering in your opinion? Can’t be bothered or doesn’t think it’s important? In any case I think it’s a form of neglect and if he’s not brushing his teeth either I would wonder if he is washing him or taking proper care of him. It’s no example to set and shows a lack of care on his dads part. YANBU. Xx

God, why do people have children with men like that!?? The mind reels.

I can see why he sometimes misses it as I wouldn’t want to spend time with my child just doing negative things if my time was very limited .

When it's done every day it's a non issue, the knots don't build up so it's quick and painless for him.

Ok got you , then I would buy the product and send him written instructions and a video and keep reminding him . I know he should do it without all this , but for your sins sake

It does.

As far as I know, but it's difficult to prise any information from DS.

I think DS spends a lot of time sat watching tv/playing on the Xbox when he's there.

DS school bag and it's contents smelled like weed when he got dropped off to me this most recent time.

I think that’s your way of thinking . I suggested the Hair was cut and my daughter is mixed race too . Still doesn’t change the fact that is it’s an issue it should be cut . Now the op says it’s ok it brushed daily so that’s very different